.. closed doors, transformation and A Fib... All Praises to God our King!!!

this was posted on Facebook yesterday... just when I was once again feeling sad about something that hadn't worked out like I had hoped.. 

a timely reminder...

yesterday morning, church, an amazing service once again, so blessed to be reminded what worshipping my Saviour is all about... how His glory is so amazing, that He is the Creator of the Universe, the Sovereign God and Almighty King of Kings, how He encounters me, meets me in my deepest, darkest struggles... and how He transforms me and allows me to take my eyes off my own disappointments, my own issues and my own sadness.. how it is not about me, but about Him.. how leaving after a time of celebration and personal encounter on a Sunday, together with my church family, I am not the same anymore... each time He will have transformed me a little bit more, made me more others- minded than concerned with my own desires and wishes...  amazing time of closeness with Him who gave Himself for me... different than my time alone with Him in His Word each morning, yet as important... 

at home after church, exhausted from all that's going on, a nap was in order... then, more bad news.. found out my mother had been taken to the hospital, A Fib once again, no fun..  to be so far away doesn't help...  she chose to come home after a few hours of being hooked up to all kinds of machines and receiving an IV to calm down her heart rate... seeing a Cardiologist hopefully tomorrow..

reminded again that this life is but a vapour, that as important as every little detail in it seems to us in the end it is only a short little while... a time to prepare us for meeting our God face to face, a time to learn to love Him.. a time to look beyond ourselves and by walking with Him bringing glory to Him!!!!!

in a little while we all will be meeting Him, my consolation is that my mother now knows Him, that when that moment comes for her she will be received into His arms of love.... 

praying and asking my fellow believers to pray with me that this moment is far away still, I find peace that whatever He will do, all is well with her soul... that when He closes this ultimate door here, another one will open and sickness and heartache and tears will not even be a memory for her anymore....

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

AMEN

.. to those who grieve.. a BABY has come...

The people who walked in darkness

    have seen a great light;

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,

    on them has light shone.

was wondering as I read this this morning... I have been walking in His light, in this great light that came into the world for almost 20 years... and yet, right now, and over and over again even during these 20 years, there has been darkness in my life... 

For to us a child is born,

    to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

    and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

 Of the increase of his government and of peace

    there will be no end,

on the throne of David and over his kingdom,

    to establish it and to uphold it

with justice and with righteousness

    from this time forth and forevermore.

The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.

saddened by my life's circumstances, again, I was feeling that darkness, and I was wondering... how does this give me hope, because walking in this hope, I still encounter the darkness.. again and again..

been a counsellor long enough to "know" all the right answers to this... and yet, my heart, right now, is struggling .... so as I dwelled and challenged and questioned... and struggled... because I HAVE this hope, I came to this conclusion... thank you LORD... even though right now I feel like I am walking in darkness.... reality is I am not... the ETERNAL darkness in my life was lifted, the light entered, for eternity that Sunday in June 1994.... that is my reality... the brokenness of this world will affect me for my time left on this earth... in this life... the tears are flowing, and they are real, the pain, it is real, the disappointment, it is real... but... because the BABY HAS COME.... the baby that chose to enter into this world, humble, born to a virgin, to ultimately deal with sin once and for all for all who would believe in Him.. He came... and He chose to meet me... to open my eyes so I could receive the gift He had for me.... and that is how my darkness today, as real as it seems and is, still can't drown out the TRUTH...

The kings of this world

Have torn it apart

But we can take heart

A baby will come

To the hungry and meek

To those who grieve

To the broken, in need

A baby will come

We have known pain

We’ve felt death’s sting

God, help us believe

This baby will come

The angel appeared

Said do not fear

For peace is here

A baby has come

The advent of life

Let hope arise

We’ve our King and our Christ

The Baby has come

We’ve waited so long

God, for Your mighty arm

May our doubts ever calm

For the Baby has come

The proud will be low

The humble will know

They’re valued and loved

For the Baby has come

Cause the kings of this world

Won’t have the last word

That, God, is Yours

For the Baby has come

AMEN!

so I am choosing to thank Him, for coming, for humbling Himself, even unto death, death on the cross, so that even today, I know for certain I am valued and loved and there will be NO MORE TEARS in heaven.... oh how I love you Lord, and though none might go with me, I will follow.... 

...the reason for the hope I have.....

there are some people in my life, that don't quite understand why I would share things about myself that are sad and difficult, things I am not proud of, things that are embarrassing, things that most people would probably choose to hide....

was interviewed yesterday for a video to be shown to my church family and to all of the many people of the community that will come out to our Christmas Eve services.....

so about 1500-1800 people will hear about two incidents in my life that I wish would have never happened...

when this beloved someone told me today she didn't quite understand why I would share this, the first thing that came to mind was that if it could help someone in a similar circumstance, how could I not tell people...

another reason for it is that I do not feel the need to hide things from people... for many years already the fact that God the Father loves me and accepts me for who I am, that He even sent His Son to die for those sins of mine, has freed me from the need to hide and pretend... "if you do not like me or want to judge me, go right ahead" is my motto, I don't really care :)

but, as I was thinking more about why I would share the bad and the ugly, this is what I figured out:

if I have something that shows what a wonderful Saviour and friend and God I have in Jesus, how He has come to my rescue and has carried me through tough times, then I am going to shout it from the rooftops... I actually do not think of myself at all but of Him, a reason to brag about Him, to praise Him and give Him the glory... I am not going to pass that up.......

so for example, just over the last 2 weeks, I have been hanging onto His legs like a little toddler who just won't let go, again, .. for sheer survival... because you see... I have lost something, something that looked and felt so good, something I thought would turn into something really amazing... and I am sad, and upset, and just plain lost..... if I did not have my Jesus, who is right there when I wake up in the morning, when I feel like I rather not get up, who is the last one I talk to before I go to sleep... I am not sure how well I would be doing right now......

so, how can I not tell about all the good things He has done for me... is doing for me.... how could a fear of what others might think of me keep me from telling how wonderful He is... how much I love Him ... for me it is a no brainer!!! it really is......

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:15

.... flee from all this....

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 

1 Timothy 6: 11-12

called to flee from the lure of materialism, basically this worldly, carnal life, Timothy is charged to pursue other "things" instead...

when mediating and sinking deeply into this passage over the last week I took a closer look at what those "other things" are...

righteousness: The quality or state of being righteous; holiness; purity; uprightness; rectitude.  Righteousness, as used in Scripture and theology, in which it chiefly occurs, is nearly equivalent to holiness, comprehending holy principles and affections of heart, and conformity of life to the divine law.

godliness:  Careful observance of, or conformity to, the laws of God; the state or quality of being godly; piety. Godliness is profitable unto all things. 

faith: The belief in the historic truthfulness of the Scripture narrative, and the supernatural origin of its teachings, sometimes called historical and speculative faith.  The belief in the facts and truth of the Scriptures, with a practical love of them; especially, that confiding and affectionate belief in the person and work of Christ, which affects the character and life, and makes a man a true Christian, -- called a practical, evangelical, or saving faith.

love: A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preëminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters

gentleness: The quality or state of being gentle, well-born, mild, benevolent, docile, etc.; gentility; softness of manners, disposition, etc.; mildness.

as Paul charged Timothy so we are too challenged today to focus on these things rather than anything this world would make us long for.

thinking about it and asking the Lord to work out His will regarding these things in my life has helped me take my eyes off myself in a healthy way.

I know He calls me to live like this and I am also sure that He is the One enabling me to do it.

I know that there will be no harm done to anyone when this is my focus and that there will be great gain instead. for this life and the life to come.

sharing His love, while pursuing Him and His way of life, being changed into His likeness more and more all the glory will be given to the One who was born that night in Bethlehem.. in a stable, in humble conditions, He came to save us from sin.. to redeem us and to walk with us .. to give us life eternal with Him.... 

Praise be to Him ALONE!!!

...make straight the paths that crooked lie....

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave you

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave

I never leave your hands

( JJ Heller "Hands")

was told today that I already have the faith to trust. the faith to make it through any kind of difficulty. the faith God gave me to believe that Jesus had saved me when He died on the cross. that this is all I need right now.

was told that those around me see how much I trust God. for my kids. for my parents. for all the difficulty and brokenness in my life and all around me. 

was told I just fall back in old patterns and believe lies I know are not true. when stuff gets hard..

was told I should not diminish what the Lord has been doing in my life already.

praying this morning that I want to live like this. want to rest and trust and wait and rejoice and not worry or be afraid. that I just don't know how to do this other than how I already do it. dwell on Him. His Word. pray and thank Him. reflect on who He is and what He has done for me in the past. Let His hands hold me. 

so what else do I need to do? how does that look? and again. I am told to trust and let go. 

Come, and rest here

Come, and lay your burdens down

Come, and rest here

There is refuge for you now

You'll find his peace

You'll know you're not alone anymore

He is here

You'll find his healing

You're heart isn't shattered anymore

He is Here

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will, You will find him here

I will rest in you

I will rest in you

( Kari Jobe, "Here")

..His hands to wipe away the tears..

blessed this morning by those the Lord has placed in my life.

thankful for His sovereignty and love that is beyond all I could ever imagine.

blessing me with sweet friends that, for some reason I do not quite understand, love me so much..

proving the lie to be a lie that I am not important, that no one cares and that I am alone facing what life throws at me.

I am not. alone. I am important. loved. cherished. appreciated, respected and even admired. really?

I am wrong to assume that everything in regards to my life will be hard, that my desires will never be fulfilled. that I am to be this martyr for God. 

accepting suffering as part of what He uses to grow us up, yes.
the high calling of rejoicing in Him always, no matter the circumstances, yes.

teaching me to rely on Him and that only He satisfies.. yes.
and yet. I have been conditioned by abuse and neglect to think that this is all there is.

need to repent of this, this is not the God I know. 

yes, despite of what others have done to me, despite my own sinfulness and all it's consequences, God is good. and He has plans to prosper. 

He is the reason I can have a hope that does not disappoint.
He gives good things to His children. He blesses. because He wants to.
He chooses to shower me with His love, according to His pleasure and will.
He delights, rejoices and even sings over me.
this is how He loves.
this is who He is.
He is not the stern task master that expects. criticizes and rebukes.
He is the loving father who accepts, who cherishes and wants to give me all.
more than what I need or can even imagine. 

not only will He not walk away. ever.
He will be there and pursue a deep meaningful relationship.
He blesses by giving me relationships that encourage and lift up.
that hug and touch and wipe away tears.

blessed today by a family that God has made me a part of.
blessed today by the ones that care and love and stand by me.

without Him I would not have any of this at all.
so. obviously He is the blessing.

but He chooses others, friends to be his hands and feet and his smile and his hug.

and for that. today. I am extremely thankful.

Christ above me

Christ beside me

Christ within me,

ever guiding

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ my love, my life,

my Lord

Praise be to Him forever!

.. no more tears...

so the spots are cancer after all... my mother, 73 years of age, who just recently told me she will not do Chemo, has decided to go with it again, and that even though she really suffered the last time...

my father, 75, is in pain because he just had a stent put into his heart,  after triple bypass surgery 12 years ago, some of the arteries were all clogged up again..

living 6000 km apart, and not being able to be there for them, not an easy thing...

heartache everywhere, brokenness, disease and just plain sadness..

cold outside and so very dark so very early... how is one not to fall into a depression pit?

then again...

it could be a lot worse.. I don't have to look far to see others struggling with so much more...
thankfulness is supposed to counteract sadness..

so here it goes:

I am thankful for my children, they are continuous fountains of joy for me. from the moment they were born each of them has not failed to make me smile, surprise me, delight me in so many ways. they make me proud and they warm my heart.

I am thankful for my parents,
I am thankful for my siblings
I am thankful for my friends,
I am thankful for my Ex-husband,
I am thankful for my church,
I am thankful for my pastor,
I am thankful for my work,
I am thankful for my clients,
I am thankful for my house,
I am thankful for my car,
I am thankful for food,
I am thankful for my health,
I am thankful for music in my life,
I am thankful for vacations,
I am thankful for beautiful things,
I am thankful for my interests and hobbies,
I am thankful for the ability to work out,
I am thankful for my puppies,
I am thankful for Kitty Kat,
I am thankful for Christmas Decorations.....
:)

most of all I am thankful that when I was still an enemy of God, He came into my life and made me His own.
I am thankful that He not only sent His son to pay for my sins, He also revealed Himself to me in His Word, I am so thankful that He did that..
that when I am in the deepest need and despair, when fear grips me and insecurity seems to flood my heart and I feel like I am drowning, He is always there. never leaving me or forsaking me. telling me how much He loves me and holding me very tightly in His loving and tender arms....

I am thankful that I can be sure to one day see Him face to face... that then I will be free of any sadness, pain and heart break.....

I am thankful that He has told me that there will be NO MORE TEARS....... too many of those down here, that's for sure.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelations 21:3-4

..a whisper .. greater struggle and distress...

I cried out to God for help;

    I cried out to God to hear me.

 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

    and I would not be comforted.

 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

 You kept my eyes from closing;

    I was too troubled to speak.

Psalm 77: 1-4

it is during a time of greater struggle and discouragement that I have now for the second time in just a few days heard the Lord telling me something new…
through His calling to open a Pregnancy Center more than 3 years ago, I, a tremendously sheltered and spoiled woman in regards to a stable home and upbringing and lifestyle, my eyes have gradually been opened to the dire need so many people struggle with day in and day out.
thanks to the Lord, and only because of Him my heart is full of compassion and love for those with no home, no one to love and care and nurture them, for those that, like it seems, never had a chance.

heard Him whisper something into my ear about a shelter for young women and girls, a home, not a big place… a shelter for some to find help and direction and most of all the Hope that has been mine for almost 20 years.. the assurance that through what Jesus Christ accomplished on the cross more than 2000 years ago, I am, by believing,  reconciled to the Father, no longer separated and therefore able to navigate through life’s storms and hardships, learning to depend on Him more and more each day.

like 3 years ago, it is but an inkling, a faint idea… a little flame… something to nurture, protect and surrender to the Lord daily…. in time, if it is His will, He will, like He has before, bring about what it is He has in mind..

This, put into words so beautifully by the founder of the Scott Mission is what my heart is resonating with:

”Through Christ's love, we care.


We reach out to those who have been passed by.


We restore hope.


We build community.”

Isaiah 55 in it’s entirety speaks about this, so it’s  hard for me to pick a verse or two…. but these will have to do for now:

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
   

 come to the waters; 
and you who have no money,
    

come, buy and eat! 
Come, buy wine and milk
    

without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
    

and your labor on what does not satisfy?


Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
    

and you will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
    

listen, that you may live.


I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
    

my faithful love promised to David.”

feeling something take over.. otherness.. it brings freedom on it’s wings.. freedom from worry, sadness  and self pity …. freedom to get excited to help others find something that has been mine for so long.. undeserved favour and love in my life.. love extended by the One who came up with it in the first place :)
Praises be to Him and Him ALONE!

....trouble and distress around me....

it's been a weird couple of weeks... if I had to use one word to describe it, I think it would have to be discouragement ...

discouraged personally, confronted with realities I cannot pretend don't exist anymore.

discouraged by what I see as I am interacting with the youth at Hope for Life, and am confronted with the dire circumstances they face..

discouraged by the world around me... seeing a society walking down a path of destruction .. happily rebellious, dismissing and slandering all that has helped it prosper for so long..

examining who I am in all of this... I am saddened and disappointed,  and the spiritual gift of discernment, as wonderful as it is... has left me seeing things very clearly, maybe too clearly...

wondering if I need to step away from all the info that is out there, so easily accessible... important too... but:  as a Christian I know that I need to fix my eyes on what is eternal and not on what is temporary... 

shut down my twitter account and stop reading the posts of those that are battling all those detrimental changes happening in our society..

truth is, what seems new and so modern and advanced today... the break down of morals and values informed by what God, our Creator, has given us as a "Manual" is not that new... sure, it looks different today... brought into our homes through the internet, into the minds of kids, through the media and all the "progressive" people out there,  this garbage is NOT NEW...

this is what the Bible says:

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.  They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.  In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,  slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;  they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Romans 1:23-32

scary, proven true in history so many times.. I am thankful that this is equally true:

You are righteous, Lord,

    and your laws are right.

The statutes you have laid down are righteous;

    they are fully trustworthy.

 My zeal wears me out,

    for my enemies ignore your words.

 Your promises have been thoroughly tested,

    and your servant loves them.

 Though I am lowly and despised,

    I do not forget your precepts.

 Your righteousness is everlasting

    and your law is true.

 Trouble and distress have come upon me,

    but your commands give me delight.

 Your statutes are always righteous;

    give me understanding that I may live.

Psalm 119:137-144

so, I do not have to be discouraged... all I have to do is this:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

holding on to truth and trusting God for each and everyone He brings my way... through Him I can do that.. one word description of where I am: Thankful!

..a life considered worthy in the eyes of God?...

so thankful for sunshine, even when the temperatures are near the freezing point..
so thankful for my time with my best friend this morning ....
went to bed sad and spent and emotionally exhausted last night, I thank the Lord for a special friend who prayed with me and for me right before turning in.... thank the Lord for Skype..
so thankful that His mercies are new every morning and that He meets me, where I am, ALWAYS..
no matter where this is...

this is what He had for me this morning, as I am following along my churches' "reading plan"....

Don’t you remember, dear brothers and sisters, how hard we worked among you? Night and day we toiled to earn a living so that we would not be a burden to any of you as we preached God’s Good News to you.  You yourselves are our witnesses—and so is God—that we were devout and honest and faultless toward all of you believers.  And you know that we treated each of you as a father treats his own children.  We pleaded with you, encouraged you, and urged you to live your lives in a way that God would consider worthy. For he called you to share in his Kingdom and glory.

1 Thessalonians 2:9-12

so thankful to know and be able to accept that leading a life that is honest and devout ( and far from faultless) in front of all believers ( and my children) means toil, striving and agonizing... it means not giving in to fear and standing firm on the truth...

so thankful for His encouragement for me today, that I am not wrong to plead, to encourage my children to live their lives in a way that God would consider worthy..

that this is what a parent, mother or father, needs to do.

so very thankful though that I do not have to be the Holy Spirit for anyone... and obviously I could never be, but that I just have to try very hard to live a life that God would consider worthy, pleasing to Him, encourage and urge those around me to live like this.. the rest is up to Him, who is able to do so much more than I could every dream up......

holding on to this, for strength and encouragement...

a new day, new drama, new hurts and difficulties.. a life of labor and toil... yet so blessed, so blessed in the arms of my Daddy, I can face it.. today, tomorrow and until He finally takes me home with Him!! 

.. I CAN make that choice.....

have been thinking and praying and talking so much about leading a victorious life lately..
living out the reality that the Spirit is inhabiting my body, that He enables me to become more and more like Christ,  that I have been born again,that I am a new person, the old has gone, that I am forgiven and set free,  that I can choose to fix my eyes on Jesus and I can rely on Him to give me peace and joy at all times..that  I don't need to be afraid, because if God is for me, who can be against me......

that is very cool, it really is...

I am thankful for having been under solid Christian teaching for almost 16 years, for strong relationships with godly friends, for an amazing mentor, who is so committed to following Jesus that following her always is a tremendous inspiration........

a discussion about living this way at my Small Group this week reminded me once again that even though this is all true and it is all about standing firm on the truth, no matter how I feel at any given time... this does not mean it is easy...

it only means it is a choice... still have to make that one... again and again and again...

the thing to be thankful for is that I do have a choice, that I know about that choice, that because of what Jesus has done I CAN make that choice... again and again and again...

and then, there is God, who blesses us when we do...... sitting here late tonite I kind of felt a little sad for myself... and there He was, blessing me through a friend telling me about what this special little girl in my life has said.... made me cry, made my heart overflow with gratitude... to be loved... what a blessing that is.... undeserved... like the grace extended to me by my Saviour... who chose to give His life so that I could choose... to stand on the truth ...

this is my desire

to honor you

Lord with all my heart, 

I worship you.

 with all I have within me, I give you praise, 

all that I adore is in you.....

Lord I give you my heart, 

I give you my soul, 

I live for YOU ALONE... 

Lord have your way in me...

it's a choice!

.. Keep in step with the Spirit....

last week, my computer crashed.. I attempted to install the newest software update for Mac and there was some corrupted data on my hard drive....

long story short, the problem was solved by one very smart and friendly Computer geek and my "life as I know it and NEED it to function" was restored to me..

what was gone was all my playlists on iTunes and since I have been so very busy I have not been able to set them all up again...

I am a bit annoying to my dependants ( the one left with me tells me that) because I always have favourite songs and I listen to them over and over again, hence the playlists....

so with none so far, I have just been listening to random songs on my iTunes... and this is my point for today :) sorry it took so long to get there...
this is what came up yesterday... and you can believe it... it is on repeat right now :)

I'm in the river that flows from your throne

Water of Life

Water of Life

It Covers me and I breath again

Your love is breath to my soul

I can hear Your voice as You sing over me

It's Your song of Hope breathing life into me

I can feel Your touch as I come close to You

And it heals my heart

You restore and renew

"I can hear your voice" by MWS

reading the book "Forgotten God" right now, this song struck me in a much different way then before...

I am in the river... resonated with my soul because I am finally paying attention to the "forgotten God" the Holy Spirit, real person, one of the three, Father, Son and Holy Spirit... the One I have neglected..

I am in the river... the Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, is in me..... He is there to empower me, not for my own gain but to know Him more... to surrender to Him more, to submit to Him better and to be more like He is...

so when I was on my way to a rather difficult meeting yesterday I prayed to Him, the Holy Spirit and I asked Him to fill me, to permeate every last little corner in my soul.. to take over and to strip me of myself, all the stuff I am still holding on to, hurts and wounds, annoyance and impatience.. fear and weakness and insecurity.......

so that I could function like He would want me to.... because I do not want this to characterize me:

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions  and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

but rather this is who I want to be:

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 

God is faithful, the Spirit is faithful, Jesus is faithful..... I am trusting them to do this work in me....

.....Adopted....... and set free....

sin... it always does something to us..
committed by us, our guilt can make us turn away from God..
committed against us, it hurts us and potentially causes resentment, bitterness.. leads us to unforgiveness and therefore leads to sin on our part..
all those things can be dealt with, when we choose to be obedient and repent or forgive..

consequences always follow sin.. no matter who commits them...

learning something new these days..
when sinned against, after forgiveness has been extended, healing most certainly comes..

consequences however, like increased insecurity, are a different set of problems that can still come up and wreck havoc...

none of those things are too hard for our Father in Heaven to deal with obviously.. He will, since He is so committed to growing us up in Him, use them to refine us and draw us even closer to Him...

living this out... no fun...
then again... makes one turn to the One who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow..
the One who said:

For the Lord your God is living among you.

    He is mighty to save.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

    With his love, he will calm all your fears.

    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

and this:

In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will

and this:

Relent, Lord! How long will it be?

    Have compassion on your servants.

 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

    for as many years as we have seen trouble.

He will never leave us or forsake us... and since He has already given us His son so we could be reconciled to Him, will He not give us everything else we will ever need? 

I am the adopted daughter of the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords... He chose me before the foundation of the world and His love and affection are mine for eternity.

He willingly sent His Son to the cross for me and His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..

He is faithful even when I am not and His compassion knows no end.. HIs mercies are new every morning and He is the Lover of my soul...

insecurities? no match for the Creator of Heaven and Earth... the Sovereign Lord of the Universe..

He loves me..  I am known, I belong, I matter, I am valued and cherished....

I am His..

and because of that the peace that passes all understanding is with me always..

Praise the Lord!

.. sharing IN His glory...#SoliDeoGloria

in my time with the Lord this morning...
this is what I read.. and did it ever jump out on me... wow...

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.  All power to him forever! Amen.

1 Peter 5:10-11

this is the New Living Translation ... love that there are a few very good yet different translations.. the wording here allowed this to be such an "AHA" experience..

in His kindness.. oh He is so kind.. beyond all measure.. God called me to share in His eternal glory...  for some reason this just hit me.. I am here to bring glory to God... He saved me and has been working on me to make me more like Him so that others could see that and that the Glory would be all His.. makes sense to me and I am honored..  but now... because He is kind... He called me not only to bring glory to Him, but also to share IN His glory.... His eternal glory... eternally, with Him... 

by means of Jesus Christ... "by means"????  yes, by His beloved Son Jesus Christ DYING for me on the cross... this is what it took for me to be able to share in His glory... in Heaven one day, but even today... every day... I get to share in His glory...

could that be the peace He gives me, could that be the joy I have following Him and being at work for Him????

could that be that after I suffered a little while..  and lets face it... compared to eternity all of this is a really little, little while...  HE restores, supports and strengthens and puts me on a firm foundation.... and all of this because of His kindness.....

blessed deeply and beyond anything I could ever have asked for or imagined or hoped for.......

Love it when my God who loves me abundantly gives me a nugget like this... on a Monday morning...

#SoliDeoGloria

... submission.........

stuff is percolating... love how the Word does that... love how the Word that is sharper than a double edged sword goes out and how it does things... works deep inside my soul....
love how the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit takes it and testifies to my spirit and how it chips away at stuff.. old stuff...
gets my mind going, but it's deeper... far deeper than just thinking things through..
really the Holy Spirit, who is ALIVE, inside my body, the power that raised Jesus from the dead, in me, changing me... mind boggling..

ok... so it is percolating...

the passage from last week and this week, in 1 Timothy chapter 2: 8-15 and chapter 3: 1-14
it's all about surrendering.. it's all about understanding we are weak and not able to live a life of selflessness and integrity, without realizing our need and total dependence on God to enable us to do so....
submission... to God, to authority that God has placed into our lives.. as wives to our husbands, as church members to the Elders, as Christians to God Himself and how He reveals His will to us through the Word.....

not new. again. love it. have no problem with it, actually feel protected and safe under the umbrella of God's authority.... I trust Him, I know He loves me, like no other... so, I do it. I submit. I do what He tells me, fully relying on Him to give me what I need to do so.... that's where the Holy Spirit comes in... the Holy Spirit, part of the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit...... who made my body His home, His temple, the moment He claimed me for Himself..... this Holy Spirit is in me and is not going to stop changing me and making me more like Christ until the day I will get to go home and see my Jesus face to face....

dwelling on Jesus, the Word, in a relationship with Him, He is faithful, the Spirit that is... to complete what is God, the Father's will, which is for me to reflect Him so that all glory goes to Him...

so thankful I am part of His plan..... what a privilege and what a blessing!!!

... how can I keep from singing....

feels like a ton of bricks hit me and I have been sleeping most of the day today... was supposed to be at a retreat and have another big thing happening tomorrow...
the fainting and double vision of the last few weeks combined with the onslaught of this cold... or flu, or whatever it is... oh well..

for the hours between exhausted sleep my laptop is my beloved companion... music really is all I need right now...

even as a young girl, singing in a choir myself, I have always loved Boys Choirs... maybe 7 years ago or so, I found the choir called Libera, from London, England on YouTube... I have since purchased 5 of their albums and follow them on Facebook...

a post by them today has me listening to some of the songs that have touched my heart in a profound way... I especially like Liam O'Kane, who was a Soloist in the 90's...

http://youtu.be/rO-gHaZDYbg

click here

I remember years ago discussing what eternity in heaven will look like..... if  (and I am pretty sure about that) there will be a lot of singing, lifting up praises, it will be perfectly fine with me..
there is something to be said about harmonies blending together like this... a longing in my heart, that cannot be satisfied here is awoken when I listen to music like this...  a glimpse of that we really have no way of knowing what it will be like... it never fails to move me to tears... to emotions I cannot even begin to understand...

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling,  because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

 Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  For we live by faith, not by sight.  We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.  So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.  For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

2 Corinthians 5:1-10

.. I hate myself.... :O

not looking my best today.... have been a bit sickly and not eating very well... the problem is that my father and mother brought me a box of the World's bestest ever Chocolate from Switzerland...
and Thanksgiving didn't help either...

nearing the big 5 0 has made it so much harder to get rid of the "pouch" around my tummy and it frustrates me...

so, over the last few days, when looking in the mirror, I heard myself say these words: " I hate myself".......

you have to know that weight has always been an issue in my life.... I never was the "stick" person, the skinny minnie.... always have liked my sweets and always eat when bored or in need of comfort...

being a Christian I know that I am loved for who I am, but, I guess, like I just found out, it never quite took care of the "hating myself" feelings when getting a glimpse of my body.....

praying about it and asking God to forgive me for my hateful thoughts about myself, I realized I have believed the lies that were told to me and my sister and mother during my childhood... I still believe them now...

my mother, trying to offset some of the stuff we heard from my father and brother would tell us that she just wanted for us to have the body that God gave us......I took that as that beautiful body with no fat, fat that was there because of a lack of self control... so when I mutter "I hate myself" upon seeing myself in a mirror it is not only that I hate the way I look, I hate the way I have been so weak, I have given in to temptation........

believing a lie keeps me in this place where I am cut off from God's acceptance and love and grace... believing a lie I believe what Satan, the one who came to kill and to destroy wants me to believe... believing a lie I do not believe the truth, the truth that God has for me, which is to communicate to me that I am loved, cherished and accepted... even in my weakness and lack of self control......
This is what it says in His Word:

1 Peter  3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

and Psalm 139: 13-16

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

so... I need to repent, and replace the lies with the truth..... and because self control is a fruit of the spirit I will continue to ask God to help me with that... trusting that He will bring to completion the good work He started in me.....

..relinquishing control..... not mine, but your will be done....

surrender..... sounds awful.... right?

this is what the dictionary says:
to relinquish to the control or possession of another under duress or on demand
to give (oneself) up physically, as or as if to an enemy
To give up or give back .....

doesn't sound that great now, does it?

then again, as Christians, surrender shouldn't have such a bad taste... we know that as Christians we are to surrender to God's will, His plan, His control....

facing a situation right now that brought me to my knees, surrendering the desire of my heart... acknowledging that I have no control... giving back what was never mine in the first place..
surrendering to His will.... sounds scary... and yet... this is what I know is true of God:

You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever.

Psalm 23:5-6

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

 Wait for the Lord;

    be strong and take heart

    and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27: 13-14

They tell of the power of your awesome works—

    and I will proclaim your great deeds.

 They celebrate your abundant goodness

    and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

 The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

    slow to anger and rich in love.

Psalm 145:6-8

 His Goodness is something that I can count on... part of me still is afraid that His plans, that are to prosper and not to harm and to give a hope and future might look different from what I would like them to be........ truth is, if Jesus could pray like this right before He was going to be arrested and condemned to death on the cross: "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” I can too......... the scriptures go on to tell us: ...An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him..... no matter what the outcome of this is going to look like for me... I know that He, in His goodness will send His angels to strengthen me, that I will not be alone, that He will be with me right there.......

it is a good thing that it also says this in His Word:

“I know that you can do all things;

    no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 

Job 42:2

thanking the Lord for songs that touch the deepest parts of my soul....

Just to rest in your arms

Close enough to hear your heart

Just to kneel at your feet

Where everything fades away and I sing

Jesus, Jesus, take me over now

I surrender

Everything I have, I lay it down

All of me

With just a glimpse of your face

All my fears melt away

Lost within your embrace

Im pouring out all my admiration

Jesus, Jesus, take me over now

I surrender

Everything I have ( and long for) I lay it down

All of me

Michael W. Smith - Take Me Over

..Jesus, hold me now, I long for your embrace #CastingCrowns

driving for a while this afternoon, this song came up on my iTunes.. haven't heard it in a while.. but, like it works so very often, this part of the lyrics just resonated with me immensely...

Jesus, hold me now 

I need to feel You in this place 

To know You’re by my side 

And hear Your voice tonight 

Jesus, hold me now 

I long for Your embrace 

I’m beat and broken down 

I can’t find my way out 

Jesus, hold me now

listened to this almost constantly 3 years ago.... it was a time of relying on Jesus for every little breath I took... beat and broken down I was... raw and hurting all the time...

almost 4 years after one of my worst nightmares happened, I am not in this place anymore...

Jesus, who I pleaded with over and over again has been near to me, has led me through the path of healing and has bound up my broken heart... 

today, like so many days though, I am still holding on and crying out for dear life.... I guess a life of total dependence on God, a life lived in humility, includes heartache and brokenness on some level at all times......

often have I thought how nice it would be to get a little break.. but then it always dawns on me... what some call my passion and contagious love for Christ wouldn't be what it is, were it not for that desperate dependence on Him...

facing some health issues, nothing totally new, just a new level of it, I am made aware that the spiritual /emotional root of those issues is that deep down inside I am still a fearful little girl... God has been so faithful to free me from so many of my fears, and I am eternally grateful for that.. I had to pray and in tears confess to Him today, that on this very deep level I am still not quite trusting Him......

and there it was... this song.. and as I was praying and crying and pouring out my heart to Him once again, I was singing along, like I have so many times...

Jesus, hold me now

I need to feel You in this place

To know You’re by my side

And hear Your voice tonight

Jesus, hold me now

I long for Your embrace

I’m beat and broken down

I can’t find my way out

Jesus, hold me now

the wonderful part is that He never hesitates to come right to my side, hold me tight to Himself, and the little girl can finally put her head down on His shoulder again, letting herself sink into His embrace...... heal those layers of my soul you are exposing now, Lord... no one cares the way you do............. 

... happiness and health are totally overrated ??? :O

happiness is totally overrated... so is health... what?
well, when all and everything is just so difficult, when nothing works the way one would hope... maybe that's what we need to come up with... no? well, I guess not...

truth is, happiness is one thing, joy another..
hoping to be just plain happy one day... not wrong hoping that but .. it might not happen..
hoping for strength to make it through the day? for a peace that passes all understanding?
joy that is not depending on circumstances... totally different matter..

truth be told.. kind of sick of the no happiness thing... won't start getting mad at God, obviously He has a plan and I do believe that His plan is to prosper me, not harm me, His plan is to give me a hope and a future..

do I have a hope? yes, even if I don't really feel it at times... do I have a future? yes.. the plans that are to prosper me.... mmm... this is what this word means:

to thrive, succeed, etc., or cause to thrive, succeed, etc. in a healthy way, to do well.....

sounds good to me, so yes, the future, the plans for me to thrive and to succeed... to do well in a healthy way... I trust Him for that..

heard this yesterday :

No, this is not your legacy

This is not your destiny

Yesterday does not define you

No, this is not your legacy

This is not your meant to be

I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you

It's better than where you've been

It's bigger than your imagination

You're gonna find real love

And you're gonna hold your kids

You'll change the course of generations

Cause you're my child

You're my chosen

You are loved

You are loved

And I will restore

All that was broken

You are loved

You are loved

And just like the seasons change

Winter into spring

You're brining new life to your family tree now

Yes you are

You are

by Matthew West "Family Tree"

does it feel like this always? no, not always... is it still true? yes, for sure... because God does not lie, what He says in His Word is true... He is faithful and can be trusted.. no matter I have a hard time trusting in this because my experiences with people have been far from that... the One thing remains.. He is who He says He is.. I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt..... and that... that's my reason to rejoice... 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:3-9

#SoliDeoGloria

... corrupt in nature.. Pride is the root of all evil....

just read a little booklet on humility...by Andrew Murray....

humbled I have shed tears, my heart has been stirred and I am yearning to live in humility every day of my life... depending solely on the Lord, knowing that I am nothing and all that is good in me is from the Lord, that I am a sinner, I have nothing to offer to Jesus .... all the days of my life I am committed to follow in His footsteps.....

 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

 Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

 And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    by becoming obedient to death—

        even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:5-8

there is no way that I am able to live this way, only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me am I able to do this... realizing that only in my utter dependance on Him can I ever be stripped of the pride in me....

"Praise God! the work has been done, and finished and perfected forever. The death of Jesus, once and forever, is our death to self. And the ascension of Jesus, His entering once and for ever into the Holiest, has given us the Holy Spirit to communicate to us in power, and make our very own, the power of the death-life. As the soul, in the pursuit and practice of humility, follows in the steps of Jesus, its consciousness of the need of something more is awakened, its desire and hope is quickened, its faith is strengthened, and it learns to look up and claim and receive that true fullness of the Spirit of Jesus, which can daily maintain His death to self and sin in its full power, and make humility the all pervading spirit of our life."


on my journey to know Him more and lead a life pleasing to Him, through drawing near to Him daily, He has been working in me .... this next quote from the book by Andrew Murray resonates with me because this has become a reality for me.. Praise be to God!

"The presence of God becomes not a thing of times and seasons, but the covering under which the soul ever dwells, and its deep abasement before God becomes the holy place of His presence whence all its words and works proceed."

I know that only He through me, me being the empty vessel available for Him to use, is at work whenever there is fruit, whenever anything wholesome is said or done by me... I am so immensely thankful.... so humbled that He would love me so.... this is what Andrew Murray suggests we pray:

"..That of His great goodness He would make known to you, and take from your heart, every kind and form and degree of Pride, whether it be from evil spirits, or your own corrupt nature; and that He would awaken in you the deepest depth and truth of that Humility, which can make you capable of His light and Holy Spirit..."

... in our family portrait we look pretty happy.............

a long time ago.... I think it was 2006..... we got a family portrait done... I remember my children later comparing the lyrics of a song called " family portrait" to us.... it hurt, but it was true... some of it at least...

In our family portrait we look pretty happy 

We look pretty normal, let's go back to that 

In our family portrait we look pretty happy 

Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally 

then, 3 years later.... this is what happened.........

In our family portrait we look pretty happy 

(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?) 

We look pretty normal, let's go back to that 

(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't

leave) 

Daddy don't leave 

Daddy don't leave 

Daddy don't leave 

Turn around please 

Remember that the night you left you took my

shining star? 

Daddy don't leave 

Daddy don't leave 

Daddy don't leave 

Don't leave us here alone 

desperate to "move on" and to create a "New Normal"....  in 2010 we had our first Family portrait done, missing one......  

   #1 in 2010                                                               #2 in 2011

  

# 3 in 2012

today, we had another... # 4 in 2013

before going to get our pictures done, this time, it was only my youngest daughter and I at home getting ready.... the typical "Family Photo shoot Melt Down" happened.....

each of the 4 times.. drama, tears and more drama and tears... finally, today, on our way to the farm, she told me why.... not only because she, being so many years younger always feels insecure and inadequate when she compares herself to her sisters.... but really, because she hates taking family portraits... because , and there it was, we are not a family anymore... I almost broke down and had to control my tears, after all, we were going to a family shoot, needed to look as pretty as possible...... but it totally broke my heart.....  almost 4 years after our family broke apart, the youngest member of the family finally verbalized her feelings.... praying that she will choose to go after what has been available to her and all of us all along... she knows about forgiveness and healing and where she can find it... praying that she will seek out the counselling that has helped some of us........ 

had a nice dinner after we were done and, at least this first "Sneak Peek" photo looks like this was a great photo shoot, smiles all around..... hearts broken, mended in some places, living the consequences... even today... in our family portrait.. we look pretty happy...............................