.. I hate myself.... :O

not looking my best today.... have been a bit sickly and not eating very well... the problem is that my father and mother brought me a box of the World's bestest ever Chocolate from Switzerland...
and Thanksgiving didn't help either...

nearing the big 5 0 has made it so much harder to get rid of the "pouch" around my tummy and it frustrates me...

so, over the last few days, when looking in the mirror, I heard myself say these words: " I hate myself".......

you have to know that weight has always been an issue in my life.... I never was the "stick" person, the skinny minnie.... always have liked my sweets and always eat when bored or in need of comfort...

being a Christian I know that I am loved for who I am, but, I guess, like I just found out, it never quite took care of the "hating myself" feelings when getting a glimpse of my body.....

praying about it and asking God to forgive me for my hateful thoughts about myself, I realized I have believed the lies that were told to me and my sister and mother during my childhood... I still believe them now...

my mother, trying to offset some of the stuff we heard from my father and brother would tell us that she just wanted for us to have the body that God gave us......I took that as that beautiful body with no fat, fat that was there because of a lack of self control... so when I mutter "I hate myself" upon seeing myself in a mirror it is not only that I hate the way I look, I hate the way I have been so weak, I have given in to temptation........

believing a lie keeps me in this place where I am cut off from God's acceptance and love and grace... believing a lie I believe what Satan, the one who came to kill and to destroy wants me to believe... believing a lie I do not believe the truth, the truth that God has for me, which is to communicate to me that I am loved, cherished and accepted... even in my weakness and lack of self control......
This is what it says in His Word:

1 Peter  3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

and Psalm 139: 13-16

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

so... I need to repent, and replace the lies with the truth..... and because self control is a fruit of the spirit I will continue to ask God to help me with that... trusting that He will bring to completion the good work He started in me.....