..rejoicing exceedingly with great joy....

... those wise men, astronomers, educated men, philosophers, men trying to figure out deeper meanings and purpose...

they knew the time, according to their calculations, they knew that the world was anticipating the birth of a King... the King of the Jews..

they got on their way, .. and that was not an easy undertaking at that time.. no trains, planes and automobiles... best case scenario : a camel.... rocky at best.. travel time???  a little longer than we are used to these days.. they got on their way because obviously they wanted to worship the long awaited king...

when they finally found the child.. they were "rejoicing exceedingly with great joy"

this is what jumped out at me today when reading Matthew 2: 1-23 this morning...

they were  REJOICING EXCEEDINGLY WITH GREAT JOY....
sounds like "doppeltgemoppelt" ( German word, cute eh? ) to me... rejoicing with joy... it's redundant, repetitive... for a good reason I am sure... and then, not only with joy but with GREAT joy, and... exceedingly... means extremely, to great extend...

they got it... they knew it was a big deal... they were willing to go on an arduous journey..
( involving or requiring strenuous effort; difficult and tiring ) they just had to go.....

because, they knew... as it had been foretold by the Prophet Isaiah 700 years before :

For unto us a child is born,

    to us a son is given,

    and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

 Of the increase of his government and peace

    there will be no end.

He will reign on David’s throne

    and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

    with justice and righteousness

    from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

    will accomplish this.

(Isaiah 9: 6+7)

it was and it still is, a big deal... are we getting it??? are we exceedingly rejoicing with great joy????

a girl, very dear to my heart, a young mother... followed my invitation to come and join me worshipping the King, I told her how much I love Him, and explained to her that He first loved me... she came and she heard the Good News and she believed...

that's Christmas... that's reason to exceedingly rejoice with great joy... He did not only come, but He is Emmanuel and He is God with us... ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..the baby has come...

candles shining their festive light all around the house... gingerbread houses decorated, presents wrapped... some more Christmas Cookies soon to be done.... all children at home... puppies snuggled up on the couch... 

that's what Christmas is all about... or isn't it?

a great gift for me today, one of "my girls" (love them like my own) a client of Hope for Life, came to church with me this morning... her baby in the nursery, it was a privilege to sit with her..

the gospel explained very well, no surprise that God had it timed so wonderfully well... He always does...

so Christmas, a day worth celebrating.. the day God stepped into this world in human form, a baby born into lowly circumstances.. He came here to grow up without sin, both God and man, to give Himself as a ransom for many... giving His life so that on Him God the Father could pour out His just punishment for our sins.. so that all that would believe in Him could be made right with God.. once and for all...

to love Him, because He first loved me... way back when, hanging on the cross Jesus, Emmanuel thought of me and accepted death in my place.. what a gift...

more than anything I could ever wish for or receive..

sharing His love with "my girls" at Hope for Life and ultimately sharing with them who I love the most.. who helps me through my own difficulties and gives me strength for the day.. who gives me joy and who fills my heart with so much love that it flows over.. to them and anyone I come in contact with..

it's a blessing. it really is. not everything is always the way we want it to be... there is and always will be disappointment and hurt, misunderstandings and frustrations.. but since the day the baby has come, since the day He so willingly gave His life.. all is well with any soul believing in Him...

Merry Christmas... rejoicing in the Good News today and always....

..heart transplants this Christmas...

I am thankful for the Christian community that I have access to... in this case the internet is a very good thing..

have read many posts shedding light on the tragic events of last Friday.. addressing questions that many ask when something as evil as the massacre in Newtown happens...

someone commented on one post I shared, that in her opinion the fact that God has been banned from the public life ( that includes schools) for a long time had nothing to do with the shooting...

thankfully yesterday a man, much more eloquent than I could ever be, addressed those that shared my friends opinion..

he stated that obviously we are not saying that had there been prayer in the school in Newtown, Connecticut, the shooting wouldn't have happened..

evil has always been there and until Jesus comes back one day ( and only God knows when that will be ) it will rear it's ugly head again and again..

in His Word God promises to bless and protect those that "fear" Him ( as in revere, obey, respect, worship and love Him )
the US as well as Canada have a rich Christian heritage, that unfortunately has been disintegrating over many years now.. not sure how many of us still "fear" the Lord...

when only 0.3 % of churches reach out to the community with the gospel you can be sure that in the places vacated by God, evil has indeed moved in.. and with a vengeance ...
Jesus said:
“When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.  Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order.  Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

evil is as real as God is.. Satan has come to kill and destroy.. and he must have had a hay day on Friday, when all those precious little ones were gunned down..

the Good News is that even in this, the "Good" will prevail.. God will take the horrible and turn it into good for those that love Him and have been called according to His purpose.. this purpose is to prosper and not to harm, to provide a hope and a future..

He is going to bring beauty from the ashes and He will make all things beautiful in His time..

He came to take our broken hearts and to give us His..  making us into a  new creation... able now to choose right over wrong, one step at a time...
able to comfort those in pain with the comfort we have received, able to love and hold up the broken.. being Jesus' hugs and smiles, His hands and feet.. let's be this to the World, so that they may know the "baby has come".......

.. no more violence, tears or pain....

I thank the Lord for giving Himself as a ransom for many.. I thank Him, the Word, for becoming flesh, for Him, the sinless One to pay for my sins and make the reality of death something not to be feared but to be anticipated as the moment when the ugly caterpillar will morph into the beautiful butterfly she was always supposed to be..
when earthly purpose will be transformed into eternal purpose, when joy will never leave, when sickness and weakness, violence and injustice will be forgotten and never seen again..
when life finally will be restored to what it was always meant to be..

to live is Christ, and to die is gain.. spiritually groaning we long for the day when we will be at home with the Lord and we don't have to be upset for messing up again..

always aiming to please the Lord.. as I am drawing closer to Him every day my love for Him is growing and growing and growing.. tears welling up today singing about Jesus... His amazing love for us... He is our hope... He alone will never disappoint, spending eternity face to face with Him will be eternal bliss... not boring, but invigorating every single day again and again...

today marks 2 important days in my life.. 16 years ago today my youngest daughter was born, a scheduled C-section, early in the morning we were making our way to the little hospital... saw her being lifted out of my tummy and will never forget that joyful moment in my life.... proud of her for the beautiful young woman she has become.. inside and out...

the other important event was my husband leaving the house at midnight to never be back, three years ago.. can't believe it has been 3 years..

thankful that we can function well enough for a broken family, the fact remains that we are just that...
that " not supposed to be" like events are happening.. and will continue to happen..

eternity without hurt, disappointment, pain and tears... sounds really good to me..
so today, as every day I am thanking Him... for He alone is worthy to be praised!!!!

..unthinkable pain and loss....

before coming home yesterday afternoon, the day had been a GREAT day... you see, I never listen to the radio or even watch the news ( I only see a News site  when I connect to the internet on my laptop).. I was out, running errands and such, never even was on Facebook...

then the news of what had happened hit me with full force..

what an unthinkable, horrifying thing that happened in Newtown, Connecticut... I cannot even get my head around what the families and everyone at the school must go through..
all I know is that, like with all evil and traumatic experiences... it will take a lot of time for the processing and healing to take place..
a no brainer for me is that, like I have heard it said in my Divorce Care group, when we have been hurt that badly it takes the "manufacturer" to do the healing and mending..

I am sure every parent will agree that losing a child is our worst nightmare.. I don't think we can ever really "get over" something like this..

there are, as always, many different reactions to this tragedy... it is human nature to have to blame someone, a law, or the lack of it...

from a "spiritual" biblical point of view, this is what comes to mind:


The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ( Jeremiah 17 : 9)
we know that we live in a broken world, and that the god of this world has come to steal, kill and destroy... Jesus, however came so that we have life, and have it to the full ( John 10 : 10 )

Jesus also said: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ( John 16 : 33 )

Thankfully Jesus has come to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds... and this is, what I think as Christians we should focus on... Praying for the families of the victims and ask for the Lord to comfort them in their grief, to give them the peace they will need to carry on...

going through the break up of my family is not to be compared to something as horrifying as this, but I remember how in the beginning I wasn't able to believe anything could ever get better... that there could come a time when the sadness over the loss and the brokenness would  still be real, but the presence of the Lord would indeed  have healed and hope in Him would have been  restored..

that's my prayer for the families...
May God have mercy on them and hold them close to His heart....

..He gave them over to a depraved mind...

reading this morning about a Billboard on Time Square stating that "Jesus is a Myth", a nativity scene being taken down at a US Naval Base in Bahrain, crosses taken off buildings .... gay "marriage", Abortions, all no big deal to anyone anymore...

all this made me think of the fall of the Roman Empire... looking this up confirmed that the "Decline in Morals" "Decline in Ethics and Values" were factors, amongst others, that brought about the demise of an Empire that ruled most of the known world at the time for 500 years...

interesting to read Roman's chapter 1: 18-32...


 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness,  since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.  For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.  Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools  and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.  They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;  they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

the Good News is that even though Kingdoms and Empires come and go... this is what has been proven true over more than 2000 years:

For to us a child is born,

    to us a son is given,

    and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

 Of the increase of his government and peace

    there will be no end.

He will reign on David’s throne

    and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

    with justice and righteousness

    from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

    will accomplish this.

( Isaiah 9: 6 + 7 )

discouraged about the world around me I choose to fix my eyes on what is eternal.. anticipating the celebration of the coming of my Saviour, all praise be to HIM!!!!

.. normal trials like disease, divorce, poverty and loneliness...

 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison... (2 Corinthians 4:17 )

"Life's trials, troubles and difficulties serve only to build inner strength, because they drive believers to humbly, prayerfully, hopefully depend on God.."

"suffering that produces the eternal weight of glory is suffering for the sake of Christ , or that honors Him. Wether suffering comes from believer's faithful, loyal, committed testimony about Jesus Christ or the patient enduring of life's normal trials such as disease, divorce, poverty and loneliness, if endured with a humble, grateful, God-honoring attitude, it will add to the weight of glory."( John MacArthur Commentary )

last day meditating and studying  this passage in 2 Corinthians I am encouraged again that every suffering that was not caused by my own sin, has been sifted through the loving fingers of my Abba Father... that it even produces an eternal weight of glory that I cannot even imagine... it is so far beyond comparison that I will not have a chance to imagine it until I see it when the Father in Heaven will bring me safely to His Heavenly Kingdom...

so patiently I am accepting whatever this life will continue to throw at me.. learning to trust and love my Saviour more and more and by that reflect His glory to those around me...

it is all about increasing the Glory given to God... so amazing He is confident that I through Him am able to somehow pull this off... cracked vessel that I am... someone suggested crazy glue for the cracks this morning... but I am quite happy about them... if Jesus' light can be seen better through those cracks and scars.. I am rejoicing in having been hurt before..
#SoliDeoGloria

..blah, grey and yucky... :(

it's been blah, yucky weather for the last few days... wondering if people that are living in places that have sunshine most of the time can appreciate the effort it takes to stay upbeat living where I live.. ;)

I think my pastor must read my blog and then use what I say in his sermon.. just kidding..

when preaching on 2 Corinthians 4: 1-15 he confirmed what the Lord had been telling me while meditating on and studying this passage...

Jesus did not make us Superman / Superwoman when He saved us... he gave is His Super Powers though when filling us with the Holy Spirit and giving us the Good News...

when the weather is grey, damp and cold, when sickness is rampant and the life issues we are facing are not easy at all, we are not going to be in despair, destroyed, abandoned and hopeless..

because He has given us a Hope that will never disappoint, ( like people in our life will ) a Hope that is founded on WHO God is, not on what our circumstances look like..

living in this bleak day today I am choosing to hold on to the truth, the TRUTH, Jesus, the way, the TRUTH and the life... He has given me access to the Father, who I now can call Daddy.. because since Jesus by His death paid for my sins and gave me His righteousness I have fellowship with the Father and I am called His daughter.. He loves me, cheers me on and lifts me up when I am down.. He carries me when I am to weak to make the next step...

the baby did come.. born in a cave, no crib for a bed.. He came to save me, and I will forever be grateful.. follow Him and obey Him as best as I can... how could I not???

grey weather, a queasy stomach and so many unanswered questions.. I am praising Him today!

... crushed, abandoned and destroyed ????

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed

( 2 Corinthians 4 : 7-9 )

spent the last hour looking for a blog post I thought I had written about this passage...

found a few but not the one I was looking for.. so here I go again..

have loved this passage for the last 10 years or so...  memorized it and have been holding onto it for dear life at times.. believing it to be true even when it didn't feel like it.. when I  was in despair, abandoned and definitely felt destroyed...

trusted that because I have this treasure, in me, the broken, lowly, earthen vessel, I was not going to stay there..

that by the all surpassing power from God I was going to be strong enough to make it through the next day..

meditating on this again this week, I remembered what had struck me a while ago... looking at it from a different angle and realizing that yes, this was a passage communicating hope, it also is one to tell us that the Father in Heaven is well aware of what we are going through...

being hard pressed on every side... that's no fun.. that is painful... not crushed, but almost.. it's a big deal.. struck down.. that hurts, deep inside.. bruises and deep wounds inflicted... all this is reality for all of us at some point in time..

as Christians we sometimes think we need to almost deny that we are going through hard times, shouldn't we be able to deal with it and be hopeful and joyful all the time??? after all, we have this treasure in jars of clay, don't we????

there is a tension between living the reality of our earthly lives and the truth of scripture.. and I am sure the Lord is more than aware of it.. we do not have to pretend we are FINE, because, let's face it, ultimately no one can separate us from the love of God.. He will bring us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom.. with Him we can make it from one day to the next, and we do not need to lose hope..

thankful for knowing this, for learning that the compassion our Father in Heaven has for us is never ending... it is new every morning and His love spills out and envelopes us at all times..

He does scoop us up and holds us close when what we are going through feels more like despair and abandonment than being Super Christian Woman that can deflect any attack......

will never get tired of His Word.. it's alive and sharper than a double edged sword.. what a gift it is..

Praise God!!!!!

... valued and loved...

back at Hope for Life today, loving and ministering, sharing the Gospel and praying, a little baby smiling, a mother finding some peace I pray...

God is at work.. taking Jesus to the community  so that those in darkness might see the Light and become disciples.. forgiven and accepted, learning to live the "counter cultural" life of following Jesus in the context of the Church..

rewards in heaven, a joy that can't be taken, a peace that passes all understanding.. a new beginning with a never ending, heavenly future.. eternity spend with Jesus..

learned this song at the church in Port Charlotte, Florida on Sunday...

The kings of this world 

Have torn it apart

But we can take heart

A baby will come

To the hungry and meek

To those who grieve

To the broken, in need

A baby will come

We have known pain

We’ve felt death’s sting

God, help us believe

This baby will come

The angel appeared

Said do not fear

For peace is here

A baby has come

The advent of life

Let hope arise

We’ve our Savior and Christ

The Baby has come

We’ve waited so long

God, for Your mighty arm

May our doubts ever calm

For the Baby has come

The proud will be low

The humble will know

They’re valued and loved

For the Baby has come

Cause the kings of this world

Won’t have the last word

That, God, is Yours

For the Baby has come

The last Word is His, and His alone... loving the humble and letting them know they are valued..

allowing His Light to shine through this imperfect vessel.. all Glory be to Him!!!

.. more "juicy" tidbits of information :) ...

over the last few years so many of my friends have been commenting about how open and vulnerable I am when writing here..
truth is, I am trying to please God, not man, He loves me for who I am, He knows all that is going on in my heart and so why would I feel the need to hide anything from "whoever" ?
if it helps others to read about someone struggling with real life issues, and if it encourages or turns someone to Jesus by reading how when I fix my eyes on Him " all things on earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace"... then Hallelujah.. it is a good thing!!!!


so there is another tidbit of "juicy" information about me:
for the last 4 years I have been on an anti depressant... low dosage, not supposed to be addicting.. was supposed to get off it again after a year, but, lo and behold, right at that time my husband had just betrayed and abandoned me and both my Physician and me decided that maybe this was not such a good time to stop taking it..

the only real benefit I have ever noticed has been that I can fall asleep easier.. it seems I am more relaxed...

also, I am not quite as teary when watching shows or movies than I would usually be..
so I had come to the conclusion that maybe it was kind of balancing out my feelings.. well, I still cried a lot when going through the valley of separation and divorce.. since I have come out of it though I thankfully haven't had that much reason to cry.. usually...

just lately big changes in the make-up of my family have had me in tears and I have to admit, I was kind of surprised it is affecting me the way it does..
I really shouldn't be, surprised that is,  having had to grieve the loss of my marriage and all this meant, I am well acquainted with pain caused by losing someone you love.

once again my only comfort is found in the fact that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and He is trustworthy, He loves everyone involved and His plans are to prosper and not to harm.. to give a hope and a future..

I thank Him for the blessing of relationships and love and bonds being formed.. I thank Him for blessing me with 3 wonderful daughters, whose lives are a precious gift from Him and which will forever enrich my life.. I am thankful to God for caring as deeply as He does for all of us..
my tears are shed because hearts are breaking right now and that never is a nice thing... again I wish I could make it all better but I know that only One can.. praying that everyone will turn their eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and I know, that then the things on earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace...
Praise the Lord!!!

.... staring into the Light...

I was 4 years old when my mother had to take me to see an Orthodontist for the first time.. not long after that my brother got glasses... I remember holding a flashlight into my eyes for long periods of time in order to also need glasses... obviously it was cool to need glasses, or so I thought...

as much as looking right into light blinded my eyes, I never needed glasses ( until now that is.. readers :S ) 

at church this morning, my pastor summarized 2 Corinthians 3:18..

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

and this is what he said:

continuing to look into the Light ( Jesus ) we see Him more and more and His glory is being reflected by us more and more.. as we seek Him, He transforms us and others can see Him in us..

ha.. very cool!! 

so staring into a flashlight.. blinding ,

yet looking into the Light, enlightening and transforming..

until the point when we will see Him face to face... fully transformed into His likeness then.

our faces are unveiled,  because Jesus did away with the veil..  Jesus once and for all satisfied the Old Covenant, by giving Himself as a sacrifice, the lamb without blemish for the sins of those who would believe in Him.. now the Spirit of the Lord sets us free and we can see...

as we draw near to Him He draws near to us and we can see His Glory... as we draw closer more of His glory is reflected by us.. and the reflected glory is ever- increasing.... how wonderful is this..

so, staring into the flashlight, not a good idea, praying to break my arm when skiing so that I wouldn't have to write at school and not practice piano and violin never worked either.. God is good!!!  :)

...Give thanks in all Circumstances????

Thanksgiving celebrated today in my favourite neighbouring country.. ;)
read a great post last night about  that we should have a Complaining Day once a year and Thanksgiving really should be a daily thing... so true...

“Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” —I Thessalonians 5:18

some of my friends prayed for me last Monday, praying fervently for something to work out peacefully... well, it didn't..

so does this mean that God didn't hear? or that He ignored the pleas my friend was making for me?
has He let me down by answering "No" ?

“Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” ....

in all circumstances.. the "NO" meant that through choices that were made by someone the incident was not a peaceful one, hurtful words were being said, a relationship damaged, not beyond repair, yet still damaged..
would I rather have it work out differently? for sure... would I have liked for God to incline the heart of this person, who does not know Him, favourably towards me... obviously..

but did He ignore me? I am sure He did not.. I know that He is intimately acquainted with my sadness.. He is deeply involved in my life.. nothing ever comes my way that has not been filtered through His loving hands... so, there is value in this situation not going well for me..
there are teachable moments... me realizing what persecution really looks like, the cost of standing up for what it means to be a follower of Christ.. not enjoyable yet another milestone of my journey with Jesus...

in it all, I am also supposed to be thankful... for this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus...
I am thankful for He will not waste my hurt.. in His goodness and love He will use what was meant for evil to bring about good... do I know what that looks like? not yet, but I am sure that I will get a glimpse of it sometime...

another opportunity that arises if our prayers are not answered is that we can see how much we really are trusting God.. the consequences of the outcome of this meeting could potentially mean a lot of trouble for me... but my Father in Heaven promises me to never leave me or forsake me.. He tells me to trust Him.. and so I will.

I know that He will never give me more than I can handle and that with Him all things are possible..
was praying a waste of time???
this is what it says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 4 :4-7 )

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ( John 14: 27 )

He gives us all that we need.. let us enter His gates with Thanksgiving.. Every Day!!!!!

..will you stay with me????????

core needs.. every newborn, made by God in the image of God, yet born into a fallen, broken world has them..

the need to know this without a shadow of a doubt:

are you welcoming me, are you excited to know me, know all about me?
do you love me?
will you stay with me? no matter what I might do?
will you keep me safe?
will you LOVE me.....

there is not a parent in this world that will ever get this right.. because we are all broken, selfish and even as we are being restored by God who is meeting all these core needs, we will mess things up.....

God is aware of that.. He allows it.. it is because He wants nothing more than for us to realize our NEED for Him.. that He alone will meet all these core needs.. He alone is able to meet them..

looking back on my childhood, my adulthood, my relationships, being a girl and relationships being what defines me, I can so easily see how I have been looking for those core needs to be met.. just to be disappointed again and again..

I met the One who meets the core needs almost 20 years ago... I know He will never leave me .. He will always stay with me.. I know that He delights over me with singing and is always right there and wants to know everything about me...
He is there to lead me and guide me and to work out in me this tension we as human beings just can't get our heads around: that He loves us the way we are and because of this love is constantly working on us to be even better... but that no matter what we will mess up on the way, He will never love us more than He did in the first place...

somehow in my life experience this makes no sense.. if I am challenged to be better, how can I be good right now? growing up in a perfectionist, critical environment, home, school and country really, if I needed to get better I definitely was not good at all.... the one little thing that was wrong totally negated anything that was good...  criticizing as a way of motivating one to do even better..... it is a harsh place to live in...

so.. He loved me enough to die for me when I never even did want anything to do with Him, when I so obviously was a sinner, nothing to offer to Him at all... huge, and so foolish in the world's economy..
yet it is true... He loves me so much, and since He made me, He knows my potential.. He loves me because of who He is, not because of who I am.. He loves me because I am a treasure to Him, for me to want to know Him more and more is to make Him VERY HAPPY...

as much as we as parents fall short of how we should love our children we can maybe understand a little the love He has for us... as parents we love for our kids to come to us, with all their hurts, fears and failures and all we want to do is to comfort them and to encourage them.. they can even hurt us and reject us and we still love them.. right???

so, do you know Him this way?? Do you believe that He loves you and that this love has nothing to do with how much you do or change for Him? do you realize that because maybe our parents loved us with conditions, we might have this wrong idea we have to earn His love? the truth is we never could... and He loves us anyway...  this is what makes me love Him even more and want to serve Him and please Him... not me trying to be worthy but worshipping Him in spirit and in truth because of who He is.. and because He first loved me.... <3

..healthy boundaries vs control..

I was 23 years old when I got married for the first time.. even though I was driven into this marriage by the OVERWHELMING need to find out if I could have a baby and to find a security other than what my father could offer me, and so obviously did not enter into this supposedly lifelong relationship for the right reasons, I indeed left my father and my mother and became a new cell / entity / family...
I had not the slightest idea what marriage was designed to be, and yet.. I did separate, leave my spot in my original family...

God, the Creator and Designer of marriage,  as in becoming one flesh and cleaving to one another works all this out on a deep soul level, no matter if we are aware of it or not...

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  (Genesis 2:24)

having had this rather hurtful discussion with a member of my family accusing me of being a bad daughter, I have been reflecting about this and trying to understand what is going on emotionally, in me and in the one accusing me...

I did leave, I did not identify myself through whose child I was, not on the same level as my siblings anyways, too much still for a very long time, but not as much as they did and still do..
I remember as a teenager thinking that I did not fit in, that I would never want to have anything to do with what defined my family even then...

when I became a Christian and over the years learned what it meant to cleave to your husband, when I learned to stand by him even if it meant to stand up against my parents, I guess I separated on an even deeper level.. in the way I was meant to in the first place..

I think this is healthy, it is after all what God says needs to happen, and in a healthy parent-child relationship the parent will welcome and support the leaving and cleaving that happens when a child gets married.. not so in my case..

now, no longer married, obviously not my choice and not in accordance with God's will, I am not stepping back into my old place in my original family, I am first and foremost  a child of God, still my children's mother, and I am a servant of God ...

I am so very blessed that God has given me this ministry, that He has called me to serve Him where I can be used in a meaningful way... I am investing my time and my heart and soul in this service of Him because I love Him with all my heart, soul and mind... I have been bought at a price, I am His..

it is obvious that neither my parents nor my brother would be able to understand that this is where my allegiance lies..
as a child of my parents I will always honor and respect them, I will help them as much as my commitment to God will allow me to, I will be obedient to what God wants me to do in this area as much as I am trying to be obedient in all other areas of my life... but that is it...

even though they are not appreciating my commitment to something that amounts to nothing in their "economy" I will hold fast to it... it is hurtful to, once again, be the "Black Sheep"... but then again, that's what I have been all my life...

I am so thankful that I have learned about healthy boundaries a long time ago..

I know that if my parents don't give me emotional permission to be a separate person,
to make free choices about my life,
and to not feel guilty when I don't  do what they or my siblings want,
when this still governs my actions...
I have not grown up .. I do not have the proper boundaries in place.

as a Christian I am under God's authority, and His alone,  I have not been under the authority of my parents for a very long time since I got married when I was 23.. I am no longer to obey them but to honor and love them..

with family members like mine, that manipulate and control, standing up for what is right is rather hard.. no one likes to be persecuted.. but if that's what it takes , then so be it..

.. lest we forget..

very touching today, celebrating Remembrance Day at church..
we are blessed to have a church member who plays the back pipe, a Veteran of World War 2 and some others that are serving our country, that get all dressed up in their uniforms..
singing the National Anthem, the 1st, well known and the last verse.. the one that is usually not sung ever:

Ruler Supreme, who hears our humble prayer. 

Hold our Dominion in Your loving care; 

Help us to find, O God in You A lasting, rich reward, 

As, waiting for the Better Day, 

We ever stand on guard 

O Canada, Glorious and free, 

We stand on guard, we stand on guard for thee.

a sure sign that our heritage, like the one of our neighbouring country is indeed deeply rooted in Christianity...

 since the election south of the border, many Christian leaders have been posting about how we need to remember that Jesus is King of Kings and Lord of Lords.. that no matter who was voted to be the "Ruler" of our respective countries, ultimately our King is Jesus,  and with that our allegiance is to Him.

He tells us to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's".. that we have to pray for our leadership and obey the law of our land...

pretty straightforward I would say.

so I am putting the issue aside.. I am thankful to be able to serve the King of Kings and that I am free to do so in my country. I am free to minister to young women and tell them about the hope that I have...

what a tremendous privilege...

because of the hearts of the men that make up the leadership of my church, I am free not only to support but also to share the gospel with whoever comes to the Center.. pretty cool..

a wonderful blessing to be under the umbrella of God ordained authority.. a very safe place..

so thankful that He in His sovereignty has provided such a refuge for me.. that when persecution happens from inside my family, He has made me the daughter and sister of another family...

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;  and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. ( Matthew 10: 37-39 )

While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him.  Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers.  For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”( Matthew 12: 46-50 )

and lastly:


Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. ( Matthew 5: 10-12 )

truth is, that my Father in Heaven has made me His child, He has given me sisters and brothers, fellow believers, followers of Christ, my own family might say all kinds of things about me for doing what my Father in Heaven tells me to do, but I will rejoice and be glad... because " they do not know what they are doing"... the Word, (Jesus)  which ( who)  is my all in all, is foolishness to them that are perishing....

my prayer is that they too will see the light and be saved....

.. moving... finally :)

tomorrow afternoon I will be going to the church and I will be packing up all the things in the office of Hope for Life and carry them over to the house next door.. the new home for the ministry..

waiting for quite some time we have been patient and just relying on God's timing..  so finally now the time has come to move into this place God has provided for the Pregnancy Center...

very exciting... there will be a time of transition, as in we can not move all of the Care Closet over yet, but it is all good.. it has all worked out until now.. God will continue to provide....

it's now almost 2 years ago that the Elders of my church confirmed what I thought I had been hearing from the Lord.. almost 2 years that my ministry partner and I tried to figure out what God's will for Hope for Life really looked like..

one of the comments we got was that it would never work to be located in a church..  and yet we felt that God was indeed calling us to do exactly that.. in faith we went ahead preparing to use the space that was available to us in the church building ...

6 months later the little house next door to the church went up for sale.. and through more miraculous intervention from God the church was able to purchase it.. after lots of prayer and careful consideration by the leadership of the church it was decided that Hope for Life would be moving in as soon as the house would be ready..

so come Monday, Hope for Life, as a part of Living Hope Community Care Ministries of the Georgetown Christian and Missionary Alliance Church will have it's offices in a cute, cozy little house..

God has never let us down, clients have come to the church, we have been busy helping those that needed us since we opened in October of 2011..

with all the other services that will be provided, the community will become even more aware of what Hope for Life has to offer .. 

like I have said before, we are not praying for more young girls to become pregnant, but for those that are and that need help to know about us and find us..

once again I am in awe of the way my Father in Heaven provides..

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

thankful that He is in control and never fails to lead us so amazingly.. Praise be to Him forever more!

..disappointed yet determined..

in light of the brokenness and injustice all around me, in light of  my own disappointments and hurts,  still my soul rejoices in the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth... because this is WHO He is:

I know that you can do all things;

    no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Job 42:2

Though the fig tree does not bud

    and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

    and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

    and no cattle in the stalls,

 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

    he enables me to go on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

because of these truth, this is the Definition of Joy:

joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right and the determined choice to praise God in all things.
by Kay Warren,  "Choose Joy"

and this is why my soul can sing forevermore:

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long;

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long.

Praising Him and Loving Him today, tomorrow and for Eternity! 

.. it has been a BAD day... :(

a wise man just posted on Facebook:
"My concern is not for the economy, nor for the condition of political conflict. My deep concern and sorrow is for the 6 million unborn children that will be killed in the next 4 years. Lord forgive us and help us."


that's what breaks my heart right at the moment.. there are many more things that have made me pray and hope that Obama would not win the election, but his stance on abortion is what really had me routing for Romney..

now, I am a German turned Canadian and why do I even care?
fact is I do care about the babies that are being killed.. that will be killed. I do care about where this part of the world is going..  moving dramatically fast in the wrong direction.

liked Billy Graham's appeal to the nation:
"The legacy we leave behind for our children, grandchildren and this great nation is crucial. As I approach my 94th birthday, I realize this election could be my last. I believe it is vitally important that we cast our ballots for candidates who base their decisions on biblical principles and support the nation of Israel. I urge you to vote for those who protect the sanctity of life and support the biblical definition of marriage between a man and a woman. Vote for biblical values this November 6, and pray with me that America will remain one nation under God."

at a time when evangelical denominations are struggling with issues that stem from some walking away from the belief that has been firmly held for 2 thousands of years :
that the Bible is the VERBALLY INSPIRED, INERRANT Word of God.. given to us for guidance and protection.. not just a story book we can interpret which ever way we feel like.. giving in to the culture around us rather than upholding truth and standing firm on it, no matter what..


love this passage so much:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood ( John 1: 1-5)

the Bible is the living and active Word of God..  that is the truth !!!


my heart is saddened today because of all the personal issues I am dealing with.. everything just seems so very very complicated all the time.. but I am crying inside for how for another 4 years the killing will go on without restriction..

God is trustworthy and in control, He promised to make all things beautiful in His time, turning into something good everything for those that love Him and have been called according to His purpose..... a truth that comes in handy in times like this..

.. I deserve better than that???...

it seems that the issue of pride comes up wherever I go these days...
Cell group last night, sharing with fellow Christians about what the Lord is teaching us..
and again this truth...
so many of our sins are rooted in pride:

do I get annoyed easily?   ( is my standard the be all and end all?)
do I have a critical spirit? ( I must think too highly of myself ..)
do I want my way always? ( because I obviously know better.. and why would that be???)
do I feel a sense of entitlement, to be treated better, to be understood more?? ( I deserve better than that..)

this is what the Webster's Dictionary from 1828 says:

Pride: Inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable conceit of one's own superiority in talents, beauty, wealth, accomplishments, rank or elevation in office, which manifests itself in lofty airs, distance, reserve, and often in contempt of others. Insolence; rude treatment of others; insolent exultation.

pride is what made Eve fall for the scheme of the serpent... the lure of receiving the same knowledge as God.. now wouldn't that just be grand...

the new passage for the week starting today:

But thanks be to God,  who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma  of the knowledge  of him everywhere.   For we are to God the pleasing aroma  of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.   To the one we are an aroma that brings death;  to the other, an aroma that brings life. And who is equal to such a task?   Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit.  On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity,  as those sent from God.  ( 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 )

 a bit boastful maybe?????? towards the end... but then it goes on:

Such confidence  we have through Christ before God.   Not that we are competent in ourselves  to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.  ( 2 Corinthians 3: 4 + 5 )

because... this is true about all of us:

At one time  we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.   But when the kindness  and love of God our Savior  appeared,   he saved us,  not because of righteous things we had done,  but because of his mercy.  He saved us through the washing  of rebirth and renewal  by the Holy Spirit,  whom he poured out on us  generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,   so that, having been justified by his grace,  we might become heirs  having the hope  of eternal life. ( Titus 3: 3-7 ) ( shared with me today by a great guy :)

so, that no one can boast.... it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works..  for we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

my confidence is in Him alone... I am in awe that He would choose me, to be His beloved child and to spread His aroma to those that don't know Him.. #SoliDeoGloria

..until you came along...

okay.. so yesterday .. in church, I was overwhelmed by the gratitude I was feeling, the tears were flowing once again during worship time..
His Goodness does that to me time and time again...
with my two older daughters next to me in church I knew that I was not mistaken when I said before that the most important thing for me is to know that my daughters love the Lord... and strive to follow Him..
the fact that today I have more reason than ever to trust that the Holy Spirit indeed dwells in them made my heart overflow with thankfulness and joy...

later last night, when driving home my youngest was texting with the new man in my life.. and again, tears of joy, hearing her giggling... how precious..
still really hesitating to believe that this might be something real.. far too early really to know this for certain.. yet ...I am embracing the joyful moments..
trusting Him to know what is best for me..

so, my wonderful new fav artist, Audrey Assad, even has a song for the hesitant, cautious me right now: ( she, not so cautious or hesitant... but anyways... )

Until you came along

I‘ve never been one to sing like a nightingale.. no

I always got some blue notes to tip my scale ...from sweet to sad

I have never been one to laugh about my life .. no

I’ve usually got another lament to write

until you came along I was a half unfinished song

and my heart was beating slower than ever

I never thought, that I could feel this way

you opened my heart up with your honesty oh ohh

now everything is brighter, more beautiful to see

and I, I realize that love is a wonderful thing

it’s so simple, it’s what I was missing yeah

until you came along, I was a half unfinished song

and my heart was beating slower than ever

I never thought that I could feel this way

until you came along,

oo yeah

and it’s okay to laugh about things sometime haha haha hahahaha

it’s okay to be a little silly once in a while ooo yeah

how did I make it "48" years without knowing that it’s love that makes me feel good

that’s alright, that’s alright yeah

until you came along I had a million sad songs

and my heart was beating slower than ever

I never thought that I can feel this way

until you came along, I was a half unwritten song

and my heart was beating slower than ever

I never thought that I could feel this way

this is what Jesus said: If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 

( John 15:10-12)

..coming full circle?????

the last few years have been rather hard on my girls and me .. all of them had to deal with the break up of the family.. all of them were affected in a different way.. different ages, different personalities and different circumstances..

the faith of all three of them was shaken.. questions and doubts..  after all, what had God done to protect them from all the hurt and rejection..

make no mistake, even though the husband rejects the wife, the children feel rejected as well... security is taken away and all of a sudden many things that seemed real are found out to be lies..

such a harsh reality..
thanks to God I never doubted His love and protection, but then again I had been walking with Him through many, many years of suffering and had grown in my understanding of what it means to know Christ in His sufferings, that things intended for evil He turns into good, that He is trustworthy and faithful...

my heart was broken, for myself and for what my girls  had to go through..

the last 6 months or so have brought some healing for them, some more turmoil for some, but dealing with things for others..

over all, my daughters are returning to the Father they can trust and that makes me so very happy... it is amazing to see just how faithful He is to them... how He has been growing them up through the sadness, how He has never let them go.. how my prayers for them were always heard..

I knew it... but I couldn't quite see it.. yet..
I am feeling that we are coming full circle... at least "most of us"... full circle does not mean the absence of conflict, things to deal with, I mean full circle in regards to our relationship with Christ... feeling so very blessed that I am sure today that I will be spending eternity with my beloved children...
they have been given to me as a gift... a gift I get to keep for forever...
God is so good...

Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3

.. the root of every sin is PRIDE :S

thinking and praying about how my life might significantly change over the next little while I made a HORRIBLE discovery...

I am a lot more proud than I would like to think... oh my...seriously??????

just yesterday my pastor and I talked about how being humble is one sign of a born again Christian walking with his / her Saviour..
understanding that we do not bring ANYTHING to the equation, that anything that is good in us is good because God made us this way.. that, once we are saved He continues to change us to be more like Him and how we will never be completely transformed until entering heaven..

know all this, believe all this and function that way in many areas of my life... thanks to God alone that is..

thinking about what God is doing / allowing in my life right now and the implications all that might have I realized that indeed in at least one area I am proud...

growing up a child of a successful and wealthy business man and being sure ( because my father told me so,  the only thing he ever praised me about ) that I am smart, a logical thinker, yaha...... I guess I became proud of my intelligence and knowledge..

can't quite explain it, because I do not, and have never felt that I was better than anyone else, and especially since I have become a Christian never ever would have entertained any thought like this..
by His grace alone, I know that..

and yet...  I guess, like my Jesus pointed out to me today, I was proud...

pride is the root of all sin. it causes us to turn away from God instead of turning to Him... all disobedience has pride as its root... all rebellion has pride behind it... all mistreatment of other people is caused by pride: someone putting their self and their feelings above the other person and their feelings...

I want nothing to do with pride.. God hates pride, I abhor it when I see it... in others.. it terrifies me to see the pride in myself..
I prayed and repented and I am welcoming whatever the Lord has for me on this journey to strip me of any pride there might be.
humbly I want only to point to Him as the root of anything good, ( math skills included) in me...

I love how He convicts and lovingly reprimands.. most of all I am thankful for His forgiveness and grace.. I do not deserve it but happily accept it..
To Him Alone be the Glory!!!!

... hope that does NOT disappoint....

meeting with clients throughout the week, I appreciate the reminder from this weeks passage.. this is what I am striving for..

For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you....  ( 2 Corinthians 1:12 )

praying this morning that not "earthly wisdom" would inform my conversations with the girls here at Hope for Life and anyone else for that matter, but His wisdom and Godly sincerity...

so easy to forget about that, so easy to be compassionate and loving without pointing everyone to Christ,.. so easy to give advice and counsel coming just from me, not from God..

even if I knew everything the world has to offer women facing an unplanned pregnancy they would miss out on the eternal hope Jesus has to offer..

it is good to be reminded of what Hope for Life really stands for.. Hope for this life, Hope for the life of the unborn but ultimately Eternal Life for whoever will receive the gift from the Saviour..

Celebrating our first Birthday this weekend I thank God for this timely reminder..

it is all about Him and the hope He alone can offer.. all I need to be is a willing, empty vessel for Him to use..

we all are ministering to someone in our lives,  loving and caring for someone who does not have a relationship with Christ.. someone who is struggling to make it on their own.. let's tap into the wealth of wisdom and guidance and hope that is all ours in Christ Jesus.. let's live simple and honest lives, relying on Jesus for all we need and by our walk others will be able to find the hope that will never disappoint..

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ( Romans 5 : 1-5 )

Loving the Hope that does NOT DISAPPOINT!!!!!!!!!

... when I am weak, then I am strong...

I have had it all before.. chest pain, headaches, revolting digestive system... all because of stress..
not "really" sick, that's what they say... real pain, real symptoms, just no physical but rather an emotional reason..
pretty sad, really..
this time joint pain is added to the list... weird... makes no sense..
my knees especially...
there is a German proverb.. says something like someone is trying to bring you to your knees, as in is trying real hard to bring you down..
as a Christian there is another way of looking at this.. yes, someone is, has been trying to bring me down, he has been using all kinds of people and circumstances..
but there is the One who takes those situations and turns them into something good ( Romans 8:28)


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ( 2 Corinthians 12: 9 + 10)

so, I am weak... my knees hurt, so does my heart.. my stomach can't "stomach" it anymore, but I am at peace.. perfect peace..  I am delighting in the hardship, brought on by one who was supposed to watch out for me.. I am embracing the difficulties..

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 4: 6 + 7 )

my soul is at peace, even though my body is suffering the fallout from the stress right now, I can truly say that ALL IS WELL WITH MY SOUL...
He, the Saviour and Redeemer of my soul is worthy to be praised now and forever more !!!!

.. do you think you matter to God???

everyone is on a journey, we all are somewhere... all in different places.. the One who made us is the only One who knows where we all are and where we are going, He knows the reason we are where we are and  He has a plan for each of us..
the plan ultimately is to restore us to Himself...
this is all He ever wanted..
He created us in His image..
He created this earth for us, He gave us all we needed and a purpose..

and then, we messed it up..

since then, it has been about us coming back to Him..

it took His Son to be sacrificed, the Firstborn, without blemishes, the Lamb of God..
so that we could be reconciled.. that we could return to Him and remain with Him..

when we get saved, we become His, He sees Jesus' righteousness when He looks at us, He loves us like He loves His Son, He gives us all we need..

and yet, there we are, the Holy Spirit in us, we know we are His now and all of our sins are forgiven..
but we are still broken, we still are missing what was supposed to be ours.. all that Jesus always had.. His core needs met by His Father..

safety, security, value, purpose, consistent love.. knowing that He was the Beloved, and that His Father was well pleased with Him..

we all have these needs.. living in a broken world however, none of us has received any of this the way it should have been.. no one's fault.. no one to blame, just a fact..

so there He is now, Jesus, the Lover of my Soul, God, my Heavenly Father, the Spirit, the Counsellor and Comforter..
I matter to them / Him.. the triune God..
we all do..

He knows what has transpired in our lives, He knows our hang ups...  the longing we have.. the longing to have the soul of a well loved child..
the child who would have known safety, security, love, value and purpose.. the child who would have been able to trust, because her parents were delighted to have her.. would have never let her down..  or made her feel unwanted or not good enough... or frightened her, by their absence or disinterest.. or maybe even by their abuse.. emotional, verbal, physical or even sexual..

again... no one to blame.. we all have had parents that had parents that had parents.....

He, though... the Father.. He knows what it will take to rebuild that safety that we so crave.. allowing Him to come and touch the places of our pain is the first step..

so, no wonder that "event" of last week happened when it happened... still no protection from the one who was supposed to make me feel safe during my childhood.. he still is the one that by his total disregard for me, places me in situations that are frightening..

I have forgiven before and tried to be okay with it.. after all, being a child of God meant I was restored, healed and had all that I needed... truth is, I do not need to pretend.. I can be real about the fact that I am still hurt, vulnerable and sad... I have let my father of the hook, I am not blaming him, I am just saying that my core need to feel safe, loved and valued was not met and that it left me vulnerable...

He, my Father, He will never leave me or forsake me, He delights over me with singing, I am His beloved and He has been with me all along... He will never leave me to face anything difficult without being right there for me.. He will always keep me safe..
He alone is able to love like this.. no one else is..

as Jesus has led me along the path of healing He will continue to do so.. He will reclaim my brokenness  and restore my security.. He has brought me very far indeed.. I am not  all there, but I know that in His time He will complete the good work He has started in me...
so glad that NO ONE can thwart His plans.. He is the Sovereign God.. and I matter to Him..
I really do :)

.. intimacy with God : into - me - see !!!!!

at the Women's retreat of my church...
after the last bump / hurdle / nightmare happened on Wednesday I contemplated for a second not going to the retreat ... my default reaction to turmoil is to hide from these kind of events..
I do seek out the one on one, but groups, as fun as they can be, seem a little too much when faced with such adversity..
thankfully during my walk with my Saviour I have learned, that He has me where He has me, when He has me there, for a reason :)
and so I did not entertain this thought for more than a second..

after an evening and a morning session with the speaker I already know that , once again, the author and perfecter of my faith is just so marvellously amazing in how He leads, guides and works things out for his children...
I have taken tons of notes and have had a few great revelations from God, I have had affirmations about things He is doing and I have been deeply blessed..

my body is revolting, and so I am just using the free time to let this run it's course because come hell or high water I am going to be at the evening session tonite and at the one tomorrow morning..

His spirit is here with us and I want to take in whatever it is He has for me..

as a young child I was lying in bed thinking there had to be more to life than what it looked like to me when observing what was going on... searching everywhere I had prayed for 6 months that He would please show me what it was, that I was missing..until He finally revealed Himself to me and the fact that there was a relationship with Him to be had....

since this happened 18 years and 3 months ago the longing for even more has been the driving force behind my drawing closer and closer to Him...
suffering throughout my life has made me long for that "well loved soul of a child" the state of being before things were done to me that were wrong,  before I made wrong choices... this place, when He, before the foundation of the World already chose me to be His, when he fashioned me in the depth of the earth, when I was knit together in my mother's womb... no matter how broken my heart and my soul was, I always knew there had to be that secure place of being..  this place where I was loved, safe and valued...where my arrival was anticipated and welcomed ..

deep in my soul, I remembered, I remember... I know... I feel and am  more sure of now than ever before, that my Heavenly Father is loving me this way... is excited to walk with me.. has this close relationship with me..
and in it, the broken pieces of my heart, the rubble is cleared away, I am reclaimed and restored..

it is all about intimacy... the speaker gave it a "new twist" by breaking the word down this way:
into - me - see..... now how cool is that...

this is, at least for me, what it is all about... the longing to be seen, deep inside, to know and to be known, by God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit, the Counselor...

longing to be known and to know the people close to me, my children, my friends and the ones the Lord brings into my life to minister to..
just recently I have been allowed to meet this man, this friend of mine... and this is what we are doing.. into me he sees.... and he lets me see into him.... together we can be known and know Jesus..
pretty cool I would say.....  :)