no New Years resolutions???????

it's that time again... all the social media sites and all conversations seem to be centering on what will all be better next year... next year ... that's only 9 1/2 more hours ..
New Years resolutions...  was asked if I had any by a friend who knows me well...
she knew my answer before I even opened my mouth..

I have NONE!

I don't believe in New Years resolutions..
I don't believe in just because tomorrow's date will have a different number as the year, we need to come up with all those big ideas for change for the better...
I don't believe in all the many failures.. all the frustration that comes when all those new and lofty goals aren't being reached..

I just don't do it...

there is nothing wrong with making decisions to change things,
there is nothing wrong with new motivation to make better choices,
about food, exercising, traveling, seizing the moment. being kinder, working harder, saving more, enjoying more and all that..

I just don't get the hype..
aren't we always working on those things?
aren't we always called to improve?
shouldn't we take care of our relationships, bodies, health, finances etc at all times?

truth is...
we all have really good intentions.. at times.. we do get motivated.. and we get going.. we make ourselves get going... and we try.. try real hard.. and then something comes up and we fail..

truth is..
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

I have seen it in myself and in others.. it is true.. we can't make it happen without Him helping us.

but if we do... if we surrender all those great things and changes and all that to Him.. if we rely on Him for everything, depend on Him, open our fists and let go of the control, if we open our hands and receive what it is He has for us.. then this is true:

 I can do all things through him who strengthens me..

that's the truth..
found in the Book, the Word He gave us, the Word He is.. the truth, that contains all we need for life and godliness.. it's all there right there at our fingertips..

so.. all those amazing resolutions .. they are all nice.. if I was forced and had to come up with one.. it would always be the same.. the new goal for every new day..

to know HIM more, to focus on HIM more, to follow HIM more, to serve HIM more..

there.. ok, there it is.. my right now and every tomorrow resolution.. by His grace and His strength..

...first Christmas as a blended family... the perfect gift..

it's only two more sleeps until my daughters arrive at our new home.

it's going to be a totally new Christmas experience for them,  for my two brand new step daughters.. for all of us..
for the first time since the wedding the new blended family will get together.. Christmas.. my husband and I and our 5 daughters..

we have been reflecting and praying and talking and thinking about Christmas..
the night that the Christ was born.
God's son, born so many years ago, according to what had been foretold by the prophets.. it happened

willingly, He,

who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

the gift given to us by the Father in Heaven, who sent His only begotten son so we could be reconciled to Him .. His purpose was this:

 and being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    by becoming obedient to death—

        even death on a cross!

the perfect sacrifice.. both man and God, without sin, dying our death, paying the price for our transgressions, making us right again with our Father.. all we have to do is believe..

righteousness restored, eternal joy and peace the free gift, no matter the circumstances, no matter the trials and tribulations.. 

Christmas reminds us of all this.. it's reason to celebrate for sure.. it's a good reason to give gifts to remember  the greatest gift of all..how wonderful to be able to get together with the ones we love to  communicate the love we have for one another..

so many years ago this was what the Father did.. He showed His love for us by giving His only Son so that we, by believing could become His children..

He is the King, the Ruler, the Messiah and the Shepherd.. only God could have planned it out like this.. justice, perfect power and truth combined with mercy and grace.. a compassionate, almighty God, achieving for us what we never could have done ourselves.. making a way, tearing down the veil and restoring that relationship that we all are longing for.. filling that God-shaped vacuum that only He can fill...

waiting expectantly to see how He in His perfect love for us will make this a very special and meaningful Christmas indeed..

so thankful for that amazing gift.. The baby born in a manger..

.. called to more than that..... in His time....

“Love each other with the same love you have for your family. In fact, you should love each other with the same love that is shared between two brothers. The value you place on each other should be so high that it makes you desire to see those you love excel and achieve much in life, even if it means that they excel and achieve more than you do.”

Romans 12:10 

( Rick Renner: Sparkling Gems of the Greek)

reading this right now explains a little why if there was a litmus test for what level of grief and sadness you were going through I think I would be scoring on the higher end...

having been blessed by the Lord to be part of a "church family" where this kind of brotherly, (and sisterly ) respectful love was flowing freely for almost all of my Christian life, it makes sense that there is a profound sense of loss..  makes sense that walking in and out of a church without so much as talking to someone for a moment let alone connect meaningfully just feels so VERY wrong...

another passage of scripture comes to mind:

 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him.  Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?”  Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers.  For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

Matthew 12:46-50

the closeness we have, kind of by default, as fellow believers planted in the same church, called to ministry together, called to love one another with this kind of "rejoicing together-mourning together - being Jesus to one another" love is rooted in sharing what is most important in our lives and that is our Saviour.. the call to be like Him, the call to point each other to Him as the source of all we need to know for life and godliness.. there is something about this that is thicker even than blood...

it's the spiritual family.. not surprising really, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ..

so, I am acknowledging that God, the Sovereign God over all creation has us in this place where for now we are lacking these kind of relationships.. has us in the place where being ripped out of the fabric of such family ties and intimacy we feel like all our limbs have been amputated.. acknowledging that only the manufacturer can heal such wounds and He will, in His time.. He will also allow new connections to grow.. based on that same "co-heir of Christ kind of kinship" and allow us to bless and be blessed.. again...

 As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him—  you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:

“See, I lay a stone in Zion,

    a chosen and precious cornerstone,

and the one who trusts in him

    will never be put to shame.”

1 Peter 2:4-6

I am looking forward to the new year to connect in some more meaningful ways with this new family, while worshipping together and hearing the Word preached each Sunday is laying a foundation for all the things He has for us.. to become crafted in, to bear fruit, to find our place as living stones, part of this building, the church, to minister and come along side each other, thankful and expectant to find out what this will look like!!! God is GOOD all the time!

..it never hurts to be looking for "son"shine... Eeyore

I have always gravitated to Eeyore... I feel some kinship.. can relate to that cloud that continually seems to be following him... I love how gentle he is and kind, in his sad state always trying to be ok..

I took a few moments today to read through the few posts of the last weeks .. and I do think that there seems to be an overabundance of trials... one after the other gets added and some just hang around...

knew that and have been known to say things like this before: I know God is teaching me, shaping me and refining me through this, I know that everything that comes my way is informed by His purposeful goodness, but... could I just get a little break... just for a while????

well, was I put into my place last Sunday..
I have to say as lonely and displaced that I feel here in my new "home town" I am so extremely thankful for that church the Lord has put us in..
yes, we don't really know anyone and that is hard for both of us.
but, man is it ever a good church.
amazing, genuine worship, and GREAT preaching..the truth being proclaimed and the hard stuff not avoided.. so blessed to be there, no question about that..

so, I was put in my place... like all the others that kind of think they have been refined enough, thank you very much ..

the Lord disciplines the ones He loves.. true
He will not give up on us but will bring to completion the good work He started... true..
He knows best... very true
so what if that black cloud is following me.. so what the losses and difficulties never seem to end..

there is blessing in knowing Him in the storm
there is blessing in waiting
there is blessing in getting glimpses of what He is doing once in a while
there is blessing in His purposes for my life
there is blessing in being able to share the comfort I received through all those trials with those around me
there is blessing in seeing His goodness everywhere, just because I HAVE to focus on Him to survive
there are blessings.. too many to count.. to know that I am desperate for Him,
that He is the air I breath, that it is He who carries me, it is He who holds on to me, when I feel all I can do is hold on to Him..
there is blessing in seeing the new things He does, the amazing things He does..
there is blessing in being lonely if it drives me to Him
there is blessing in knowing Him more and more and more and more..

He is faithful
He is committed
He is perfect in love
He is SOVEREIGN
and worthy to be praised.

I am human, and kind of an Eeyore-person.. so, I know He forgives me for feeling like I need a break, but I know that I have to take my eyes off myself and fix them on what is eternal... JESUS...
and that's all there is to it.
I am blessed.

" Daddy can you fix this???"

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law,  to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.  Because you are his sons ( and daughters ) God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.

Galatians 4:4-6

had to read the first verse of this passage for my quiet time today... looking into the Old Testament prophecies about the Messiah that came true when Jesus was born.. and then I read on.. and there it was.. 

something my Daddy in Heaven has been whispering into my ear for the last few days..

you see I am struggling.

something has happened and this girl here has been struggling not to be full of fear and anxiety.

scriptures are great.

365 fear nots in the Bible..

one for every day.. so one can be sure that this is something that God really wants us to get.

surrendering to whatever God's will will be in the situation, another step to take..

but then, just a few days ago.. there was this:

I am your Daddy.. 

ha... not sure what that means..

see, I didn't have that.. 

I was not "Daddy's little girl"

I was not the little princess

I was scared

I was neglected

and I never felt safe or secure or loved or treasured or any of those things

so.. I have read it

I know it

I have met Him in many ways, and yes, even as my loving Father over the years

I know I can come to Him with anything 

I know He delights over me with singing

I know He cares like no one else

but my Daddy..

all of a sudden I felt I could pray just this:

Can you fix this for me Daddy???

so, reading on in Galatians 4.. 

the Spirit of His son is in my heart ( knew that )

I am now an heir with Christ

I can call out, the Spirit in me calls out

Abba Father..

My Daddy..

I tried to listen inside and feel what that might mean..

he loves me

he keeps me safe

he enjoys my company

he is excited about me

he encourages me

he spurs me on

he cherishes me

he comforts me

he watches over me

he defends me

he thinks I am fun

and cute

and special

HA

 so, He has my back..

I can rely on Him

I can trust Him

I can give Him all my fears and sorrows 

I am not alone

I am not helpless and hopeless

I am a princess

I am the daughter of the King of kings

I am His little girl..

Daddy's little girl..

so thankful for His WORD..

it never disappoints.

He never disappoints 

I love Him

..it's just not about me...

it's been a while and I have to admit that I just don't feel the urge to write it all down for everyone to see anymore..

then someone told me that I should... so here I am.

Thanksgiving here in the good old US of America last week, all the devotions and everything being all about  being thankful and how focusing on what we are thankful for allows the presence of God to permeate our whole being and our circumstances..

to give thanks in all circumstances, a discipline I have embraced long ago.
it seems to help to allow the peace of God that transcends all those circumstances and our understanding to flow more freely..

so.. last week, after a week of having been gripped by such a fear and anxiety about something that happened that I so DID NOT WANT to happen, something that I had told everyone was my worst nightmare.. after being able to help out at a thanksgiving dinner for 1500 people from the community on the Wednesday night and continuing on reflecting on the truth.. the scriptures given to me by faithful sisters in Christ ... sitting quietly with my husband on Saturday afternoon, admiring our Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music as he was holding me... it sank in... again...

it's just not about me. my circumstances. my fear.
the outcome is in God's hand and I can trust Him. in quietness and trust is my strength. in repentance and rest is my salvation. He rises up to help me because He longs to be gracious and compassionate to me. He hears me and He takes care of me.
it's about what my purpose really is. and that is to serve Him. be passionate about Him and His cause.
to be available. to share the Good News. to bring glory to Him.

the scripture given to me, Isaiah 30: 15-21 says this as well...

The Lord longs to be gracious to you;

    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.

For the Lord is a God of justice.

    Blessed are all who wait for him!

 People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.  Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

wanting to only turn right or left when He tells me I have been crying out for help, knowing He hears me.. waiting on Him to direct my steps.. listening closely and waiting. trusting. at peace.

when fear wants to creep in.. I take the thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.. no need to fear..

He got it all figured out.

letting go of my plans and ideas.. surrendering to whatever the outcome will be, feeling safe, I am focusing on where He wants me to go. the next step. today. not tomorrow. not the next 20 steps. just one.

in the end. I know I cannot lose what He has given me already.. which is him paying for my sins so that I am a child of God. eternity with Him. so. I am thankful. He owes me nothing I owe Him everything.

.. self-reliant and self-absorbed....

O Lord of Grace

may you be 

my arm to support

my strength to stand

my light to see

my feet to run

my shield to protect

my sword to repel

my sun to warm

my shelter to protect...

#ValleyofVision

when browsing the beautiful stores in even more beautiful Leipers Fork, in amazingly beautiful Tennessee on our heavenly beautiful Honeymoon... ( you get the drift.. it was out of this world..)

I stumbled across this little black book... looked like a little hymnal or something you would have found in a church a long time ago..

I picked it up, this little book called Valley of Vision, containing the prayers and contemplations of different Puritan pastors... and such a fountain of wisdom and deep devotion to God it is..

so when I read the one titled "God All-Sufficient".. the words I was reading gave me one of those wonderful "Aha" moments..

as a passionate Christian, all about serving Him, this has been my prayer so often....

let me be your feet, your hands, your smile, your words and your hugs to those around me.. despite myself, and let me in no way hinder what you want to do through me today.....

having just gone through an extremely tough time having to rely on God and wait on Him and trust Him in a big way, the "All-Sufficiency" of God took on a new meaning.. on a different, far deeper level than ever before.. kind of being on the other side of this trial, reading about His arm to support me standing, His feet actually the ones allowing me to walk at all, those prayers when serving all of a sudden took on a different meaning...

thinking this through it dawned on me... unless I have found myself totally wanting, lacking in all that's needed, unless I have experienced and acknowledged my total depravity and dependancy on God for anything good, those feet that most sincerely want to be His feet, are still my feet, those hands are still my hands... those smiles and hugs and words still mine..

I will still be doing even the things I know God wants me to do, the good things, the meaningful things, in my OWN strength... not in His.. all His.. but that's what I have always wanted.. to be His feet ... 

so, once again it makes so much sense... the trials He allows.. to show us that we are not in control, that we need Him, that He is all powerful, that He is reliable, faithful.... all that changes us... we have a better understanding of ourselves, just how weak we are, that without Him we can't do anything, but with Him we can... 

when we come to the end of our rope, totally aware of our helplessness, that's when His feet become ours, His hands become ours .. He takes over and accomplishes what we could never accomplish on our own, no matter how pure our motives..

so ... thank you Lord... thank you for showing me who I am, and most of all who you are... 

thank you for never giving up on me.. thank you for using me in the past, despite my self reliance, my pride, my deceived and self-absorbed mind... 

YOU ROCK!!!

.. you're with us in the fire and the flood....

facing some pretty high hurdles, or deep valleys, or actually walking through one right now, the Lord is once again faithful and He has been reminding my husband and I through His Word...

yesterday, when confronted with what we hoped wouldn't happen we were stunned, overwhelmed and fearful...

praying and asking friends to pray, we talked all of it through... and then, together, we came before the throne of the One who knows all about what is going on..

we have been praying together all along and it for sure is a wonderful thing to do.. there is an intimacy that you cannot experience any other way .. baring our hearts before Mighty God, Our Heavenly Father and before one another binds us together like nothing else ever will... but then last night.. He, in His Sovereignty took this to a whole new level... authentic, raw, heart wrenching... acknowledging our helplessness to deal with what is happening right now .. communing with Him restored some of the deepest places in our fragile hearts..
there were tears and there was a letting go... an opening of fists... a surrendering.. there was honesty and transparency.. and .. there He was..

the Author and Perfecter of our faith... Yahweh, the One that has been, is and always will be,  Adonai, the Lord over all, there was Jehovah Jirah,  the One that provides all our needs.. El Shaddai, the Mighty One, Yahweh Shamma, the One that is available when needed and Yahweh Raah, the Shepherd who leads us through the valley... makes us lie down in green pastures, comforts us and makes our cups overflow ..

so amazing to meet Him like this, in a moment like this, together like this...

so today, reflecting on this, I was reminded of this song I love:

There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And You meet us in our mourning

With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You're sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined

Who could understand Your ways

Reigning high above the Heavens

Reaching down in endless grace

You're the lifter of the lowly

Compassionate and kind

You surround and You uphold me

And Your promises are my delight

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil

You turn it for our good

You turn it for our good and for Your glory

Even in the valley, You are faithful

You're working for our good

You're working for our good and for Your glory

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

 ( Michael W Smith, Sovereign )

there as some ways to deal with this situation and we know that He who is faithful is more than able to provide a way through this... and for that I am FOREVER GRATEFUL...

and there it is, that peace... the peace of God that not only surpasses all understanding but is not necessarily always the absence of fear, but really the Presence of Him!!!!!! 

"reacting to conflict in ways I cannot control"

“Behold, my servant whom I have chosen,

    my beloved with whom my soul is well pleased.

I will put my Spirit upon him,

    and he will proclaim justice to the Gentiles.

 He will not quarrel or cry aloud,

    nor will anyone hear his voice in the streets;

 a bruised reed he will not break,

    and a smoldering wick he will not quench,

until he brings justice to victory;

     and in his name the Gentiles will hope.”

claimed this promise for myself a few years ago, when I started writing this blog... He said He wouldn't break me .. and I know He won't..

reminded of this passage of scripture by a most wonderful friend today, I have been thinking about it again..

a bruised reed, a weak reed.. a fragile, already quite broken, helpless and vulnerable little reed... that would be me..

looking at some pictures yesterday of myself as a little girl I found one of my mother and my siblings and I.. I was about 2... looking quite sad in this picture ( everyone else was laughing ) I asked my mother before how come I looked so sad... she said I seemed to be sad most of the time... ha.......

read an article about trauma and depression and how to handle it as a Christian and this is what this young woman wrote:

"Now I understand that my reactions had nothing to do with whatever it was that scared me and everything to do with neuropaths laid from a childhood household dynamic that left me feeling insecure, out of control, and ready to bolt at all times......."

thinking about my childhood household dynamic I know for a fact that it left me feeling insecure, out of control and too afraid to face anything that came my way.. a sad little girl that started to cry when her father talked to her.. that couldn't sleep because she feared she might not have done her homework right and that was so afraid of EVERYTHING... 

thankfully, all along.. the One that God the Father had chosen, the gentle One, who pleases the soul of the Father, the One that treats those the Father has given Him with compassion and love, He, Jesus, was watching over me... giving me hope and strength and grace and has taken so many of those fears away in the past...

and when, like the lady said "my body reacts to conflict in ways I can't control"  He, in His gentle power and loving embrace picks me up and looks me in the eye and tells me once again....." a tender reed I will not break... take refuge in my arms, listen to my heartbeat and believe me..... you are safe here, no one can harm you..... I walk with you through all your heartaches and stresses, through the losses and the panic... I will disentangle and rewire the messes those experiences have created in you... and I will not stop until I have done it completely... until I have fully restored you, my beloved child......"

writing this, tears of gratitude and love are rolling down my face... and, in awe, as always at such a love as this... I fling my arms around His neck and bury my tear stained face in the place where it fits so perfectly... right beneath His strong shoulders... feeling His heartbeat I am able to relax... let go... and HOPE....

“Remember not the former things,

    nor consider the things of old.

 Behold, I am doing a new thing;

    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

    and rivers in the desert.

 The wild beasts will honor me,

    the jackals and the ostriches,

for I give water in the wilderness,

    rivers in the desert,

to give drink to my chosen people,

... being "someone" in this world????

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

 Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

 And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    by becoming obedient to death—

        even death on a cross!

Philippians 2: 3-8

yesterday, as I once again was thinking about how through trials, choosing to be grateful, one grows closer to God and is able to reflect Him more and more...

this is what came to mind:

during the worst time of my life so far, almost 6 years ago, I was, not by choice like Jesus, but still ..humbled..

I was, as I understood it and as society understands it.. made nothing ( the discarded half of something that didn't exist anymore )... I lost what I valued, what ascribed me value.. being the wife of a successful business man, loved and cherished, or so I thought, mother of three beautiful kids,  our family looked, at least to the outside world , like we had it all made ... 

as much as I didn't think that this was defining me, I found out just how much it had, when I lost it..

I had been betrayed and lied to, I had been found wanting and gotten rid of, I was stripped of that which made me kind of a success in today's world, I was hurt profoundly, I was without hope..  and I was embarrassed... humbled...

stripped of all the outside worth, I found myself crumbled on the floor......

and that was when, and here it comes... I shared in His suffering.

that was when I encountered Him on a deeper level and it turned out to be enough..

more than enough... 

this is when He drove it home to me...

that when all I had was Jesus .. I could all of a sudden see it and feel it and know it: He was all I needed...

that's when He put me back together... opened my eyes to the fact that it was about so much more than just striving to live the white picked fenced life..

that His plans for my life where far bigger than my own hopes and dreams..

today's devotion from James MacDonald spoke about living an ordinary life.. like David, who, after being anointed as king lived life as a poor shepherd and refugee, hiding in caves, fearing for His life for 10 years before he finally became king... during these years he wrote the Psalms and became the man after God's heart...

a family member mockingly described me as someone who can't deal with the bigger and better things in life and chooses to live a "small " life... well, yes, I guess... I choose the ordinary life of trying to live obediently for Him, sometimes hiding in a cave, finding refuge in the arms of my God, drawing closer to Him, understanding my need for Him and maybe His purpose for my life more..

it's not about being "someone" in this world... it's about being the one that He made me to be... faithfully serving Him where He put me... and sometimes making the tough choices that this brings with it..

those choices  will not make me more popular to the world around me... but they are pleasing to the Lord.. so quietly, I am embracing the hurt some of those choices sometimes bring, and walk, a little bit more humbly each time.. with Him... the best place to be!

at such a time as this.. new husband, new church... same GOD!!!!!

over the last month my husband ( still makes me so giddy and all saying that :) and I have been going to a church together... a new church...

we had been praying and asking God for guidance on where to go.. and then we went to Harvest Bible Chapel West Olive..

walking in there felt ( almost ) like coming home.. same set up, same size... turned out to be the same kind of format, 45 minutes of worship and 45 minutes of sermon.. people were very welcoming and the assistant pastor's wife even lived about an hour away from where I have lived the last 23 years ... how cool is that???

we happened to go there for the first time when the pastor announced a 5 week sermon series , with a devotional study to go along with it for the congregation ( another thing that made me feel "almost" at home, considering my "now old" :( church has been doing the meditating and studying of the passage my "now old" pastor is preaching on for many years...)
this sermon series was to lay the ground for some new initiative.. a growing closer to God, a being more confident in what He can do, being more committed to Him and His church and all He has called the church to do IN, AROUND and BEYOND...

quite amazing to enter into this fellowship, this vibrant and alive family of God at such a time as this..
their outreach to the community totally where my passion lies.. mission oriented they are involved in supporting a church plant in the Caribbean..  all so very exciting..

the Word being preached boldly and honestly, I do find myself feeling right at home and then again..
not really. obviously I do not know anyone really, obviously I am not involved with anything that is going on ( YET ) but I can sense the potential, I can sense why it is that the Lord brought me here instead of my husband to where I was.. where all had been so well established.. deep soul ties... knowing everyone and being known.. woven into the fabric of this family of God... there are huge losses now, losses that have to be grieved.. but in it all, I am sensing that here might really just be that place where we, my most wonderful husband and I, could get "crafted in" ...

fasting and praying prescribed for today...  we were asked to read Isaiah 58... I love this chapter... I love what it is all about.. I am soaring on wings like eagles letting it all sink into my heart...

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

    and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

    and break every yoke?

 Is it not to share your food with the hungry

    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe them,

    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

    and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

 Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;

    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

    and your night will become like the noonday.

 The Lord will guide you always;

    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

    and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

    like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58: 6-11

this is where my heart is, this is where we need to be... oh how small the things that bother me personally become when I fix my eyes on Jesus.. when I hear His call once again.. it's not about me, it is about what He is doing and how He wants me to be part of it... thankful that He knew exactly where He would take us, when we had no idea at all... I do not know what my future holds but I for sure can know the One who holds it as much as I want.. He has revealed Himself and His heart in His Word.. and that I can pick up any time I want to.. thankful beyond words...

grateful for trials = joyful always

so much going on, seems to be that is the "normal"... in some way I kind of would like to ask for a break sometime.. but hey... complaining about this makes me someone who does not trust God and I choose each day anew " to trust and not be afraid"... so.. it's all good...

so much going on on so many levels that I have to admit I do get overwhelmed..

falling back on tried and true methods of dealing with anxious thoughts I do prayerfully give all that stresses me out to God each morning and again and again as things arise and come to the forefront during the day.. but... I realized something two days ago.....

in this beloved verse in Philippians ( Phil 4: 6-8 ) we are told to give all our requests to God in prayer and petition and THANKSGIVING........

Ha... I kind of have not been thanking God for the many trials and difficult situations lately, I give them to Him and I choose to trust and take any thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ when fearful ones come up..but I have not thanked Him for them in the last little while.. I don't know how that happened.. somehow it slipped my mind..

it was Thanksgiving weekend in Canada and even though since my children were all away in Europe, I did not cook a turkey and had a Thanksgiving meal,  I was thinking and reading about being thankful ...

this one hit home:

"Thanksgiving is more than a holiday, it's a holy way to walk through all the dark days. 

It's only when you finally choose to be grateful, that you finally become joyful! "

Ann Voskamp

walking through dark days and difficulties and stresses I have not been grateful for them I have to admit.. always grateful for all the blessings yes, just not the difficulties..

and there it was.. the reason I was not quite getting that peace, that joy, that is so available for us who are in Christ Jesus... so, I changed my way to pray.. I thanked God for all that is not quite going the way I would want it to... for all the things that seem so hard and complicated.. because, let's face it, in it, I am made aware of how much I need Him, how when I am weak and sad and frustrated He carries me.. how when I don't know how, He shows me a way, how because I ask Him for it I know it is Him who helps me... and on and on it goes..

so Lord, I thank you for the complications and the heartaches.. I thank you that I do not have any control when it comes to things that are so very dear to my heart... that I am persecuted for obeying you and standing up for what is right, that I am at a loss and need your wisdom in so many of the scenarios of our new life together..... ( like immigration and all that ) 

I thank you Lord because in it all I am learning to trust you even more, I am learning that you are always wanting to be on the forefront of my mind, at the centre of my life... you always want to be right there with me, because, let's face it, you put me before all your desires when you said " your will be done Father.. " in the garden ... right before you went to the cross willingly on my behalf.. 

so thank you, Jesus, thank you Father and thank you Holy Spirit, for making me part of your family... thank you for continually allowing situations that bring me to my knees before you... and keep me there.. thank you for showing me once again that this peace that surpasses all understanding is indeed mine when I, with thanksgiving give all my requests to you... 

I praise you because you are faithful and you will never cease to work on me, making me more like you...

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

thank you too Lord for your Word.. I so love how it informs me how to live my life. how even though I might be hated for it, I know that it's all about pleasing you and being obedient to you.

in the end, and really always, from beginning to end.. it is always all about you and you alone Lord.. I am so thankful I know that.. and I know you.. what a privilege.. eternally grateful for that one!

..navigating through the darkness....

read in a devotional ( by James MacDonald, I LOVE James MacDonald ) not so long ago that when going through trials as a believer what we have happening in our favour, as opposed to our non-believing neighbours, is that we know where we are going, we have more of a concept of what is going on in our lives and what the purpose of all the suffering might be..

once again, it comes down to knowing the One who holds our future in His hands..
once again, how well we can maneuver through the trials has to do with how well we know Him..
once again, we are blessed because He has given us all we need to know Him well...

this is the passage of Scripture that James MacDonald used:

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

Hebrews 12: 5-7

I am His daughter, and when I go through hardship, which I in some way or another as a Christ follower always will, I can receive His strength, His comfort, His direction, His help, His wisdom, I have hope, that even if things won't change here and now, I have eternity with Him..

I have the privilege of having received His forgiveness and His instruction to forgive others which helps me making it through the valleys so much better..

as I was confronted with a family member's attacks just last week.. after finding my footing again, hiding in the arms of my Father, I was just so very thankful that I do not have to be out there diminishing others... that my troubles and the difficulties I am facing are not one dark mess that makes me lash out at those that are close by..

that I do not have to retaliate but can rather forgive and continue to pray for those that just don't know any better...

not because I am so much better or kinder or more forgiving, but just because no matter how dark and hard and maybe even confusing stuff around me gets once in a while, I do have Him, my Saviour who leads me by His light.. He is my lighthouse and He gives me all that I need for life and godliness..

because He is constantly working in me I can deal with trials and suffering differently... if I let Him have His way that is..

the other wonderful thing is that if or when those loved ones that do not know Him one day will bow their knee before Him, they too can receive all this... that's a hope I am clinging to and this is my prayer for all of them..

I am thankful that when I was still dead in my transgressions, He gave His life for me. reconciling me to the Father who I can run to now, who I can cling to, not only in the hard times, but always..

thankful to have such a friend, a lover of my soul, who is more than able to handle anything that comes my way... doing it His way is what I am asking Him to help me with each and every day.....

Praising Him in the Morning.. He is my Refuge

Jesus,

The great red dawning that rises over the mountains of all eternity.

The shining bridge of stars that arches up 

and up and gives us a path from earth into heaven’s throne room.

To our ship, battered in a storm He is the lighthouse.

He brings the message of eternity to us over the vast gulf of time.

He is the well of our hope.

He  is the reason our hope endures.

He has brought us so much more than the happiness we might wish for.

He has stretched out His arms in humility so that 

the gap between us and a Holy God could be bridged.

He was the lamb without blemish, sacrificed for our transgressions, once and for all.

Without Him we would be forever caught in the futility of ever striving and never arriving.

Without Him there would be no light, only darkness. 

Without His unfailing love there would be NO HOPE.

Let us Praise Him,

Let us bow down before Him in eternal gratitude and awe.

In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was  God, He was with God in the beginning.

He, who being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God 

something to be grasped,

but made Himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

 being made in human likeness..

..he humbled Himself 

and became obedient to death,

even death on a cross!

Let us Praise Him and Worship Him,

Let us come before Him with thankfulness in our hearts.

Because we are the people walking in darkness,

who have seen a great light.

We rejoice in you, oh Lord and Saviour,

Oh Father of the fatherless,

Oh Lover of the souls of all the lonely and rejected.

We love You because You first loved us...

You considered us worth dying for 

even while we were still your enemies,

dead in our transgressions.

Let us Praise You, Jesus, 

Lord of Lords

and King of Kings

Brother and Friend,

You are worthy of our Praise

Both now and forever more!!!

married a month minus a day... He is growing us, TOGETHER...

praying this morning with my husband, giving the Lord all that is on our minds and hearts, all our anxious thoughts about family members and things that need to fall into place..

immigration, moving, health insurance, finances and all that kind of stuff..

it was good to just have read this passage in the Word:

The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many warriors with you. If I let all of you fight the Midianites, the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength"

Judges 7:2

the truth is the army of the Midianites were 135,000 soldiers and Gideon had 32,000...

so he had too many???????????

in the end the Lord made Gideon sent all but 300 men home.. and they won the battle..

all so they wouldn't be able to boast that they had done it themselves..

I guess human nature is human nature is human nature.... then and now... we are all the same.. it's pride..

and He, our Daddy in Heaven is fully aware of this...

so it made us think...

this is why things don't really "fall into place" until all of our own efforts have been exhausted...

this is why so often we just don't have any control over things.. so that we will not boast in ourselves but only in Him..

this is why through both my husband's and my marriage breakups He basically removed all that would have given us security, security apart from the Lord that is..

I remember after a rather hurtful exchange with my mother a few months after my husband left me, I had felt that not only did I not have a husband ( and the security that gave me ) anymore but also, apparently I really didn't have a mother ( and she had given me a lot of security emotionally all throughout my life ) 

I remember praying that night and telling my Jesus that if He needed to strip me of all, He should just go ahead.. I wanted to rely only on Him...

so in this new stage of my life, in our life, He, as always is true to His Word, He is not giving up on bringing to perfection the work He started in us.. making us rely on Him in so many different ways..

so that we could not boast in ourselves but only in what Christ has done in us.. and for us...

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

1 Corinthians 4:7

struggling with this at times it was good to have heard about some things He is doing in the life of a "very much loved one" right now.. how He is answering my fervent prayers for her and how He, once again is going above and beyond all I could ever have asked for or imagined..

remembering His faithfulness we are going ahead and are deciding to trust and not be afraid , because He has become our salvation, He, the Lord Himself is our strength and our defence, He IS OUR SALVATION...

good that this is settled :)

... 4 weeks and living my vows...

4 weeks and counting :)

3 days until our 1 month  anniversary.. so amazing.. so very blessed.
been able to spend the last few days with my husband and I am so thankful for that.

was supposed to be spending my weekend with a group of friends the Lord gave to me during the 5 hardest years of my life..

was supposed to be spending the weekend retreating, seeking the Lord, worshipping Him and reconnecting with those treasured friends..

I am so thankful for what God did a little over 5 years ago when I, still raw with pain caused by the horrific break up of my marriage, packed my bags, travelled to Seattle to embark on a Cruise with "Michael W Smith and Friends"..

I knew no one... and to be honest, the night before getting on the ship, in the privacy of my hotel room in Seattle, I questioned my state of mind when booking this trip... how crazy was I..

truth is, my Daddy in Heaven had orchestrated it all and by me doing something that crazy He blessed me with amazing times all by myself in my cabin, on my knees praying and encountering Him in a way like never before.. He blessed me by giving me a whole new family... fellow believers.. with a similar crazy streak... passionate worshippers of the Lord .. loving those worship concerts and devotions as much as I did..

the events put on by Michael W Smith and the amazing people that work for Him became the highlights of my years .. counting down the sleeps to each one of them starting as early as a year and a half before... often times looking forward to them seemed to be the only positive thing I had going...

so in October of last year, I was, as always, one of the first ones booking my room for this retreat... I had met my now husband but we most definitely were not quite where we would have booked a trip together for almost a year later...

in the meantime, thanks to how God had planned it all along, we got married and as much as I thought I could do it all, I had to come to the place were I had to make a decision..

was I going to do, what I had just vowed to my husband in front of God and all those that were with us on our Wedding day... to put him and his needs before mine.. to make him a priority and honor and respect him in all that I do ?

well, obviously, there was no real question about this once I realized that this was what it was all about..

seeing all the many pictures of this, I am sure so wonderful weekend away, was kind of hard, just because I have been part of this for quite some time now..

being together with my husband, spending a weekend enjoying "us"... taking care of some things for our life together... attending a church that might become "our church home" and, last night, going to see the movie "90 minutes in heaven".... PRICELESS

we are booked for the next Michael W Smith and Friends event... both of us... and.. that's in 291 days, 19 hours, 24 minutes and 30 seconds.. :)

thanks to God.. there are MANY things to look forward to before !!!

..ALMOST crashing.. and a bike in Holland..

such a whirlwind of activity and huge changes in the last 4 weeks..

getting married,
caring for aging loved ones,
tying up lose ends,
moving children across the ocean,
and finally getting back to where very soon my new life will start, for a little bit at least.

marveling at all God is doing, blessings so beyond anything I could have ever asked for or even imagined
and then. today. I almost came crashing down.
exhausted. dealing with a cold. realizing how much I will miss my kids, friends, my ministry and all that is familiar to me...

I almost did.

just "almost" because of what He, my Father has been teaching me to do in moments like these..

• don't go with your feelings

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

• go back the Word. stand on the truth. remember all the Lord has done for you.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:1-3

instead of listening to all kind of discouraging thoughts and feelings, I chose to go to my reading for today..

this is what jumped out:

My heart is confident in you, O God;

    no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!

I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.

    I will sing your praises among the nations.

 For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.

    Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Psalm 108 : 1, 3-4

so here is my response :

I thank you Lord and praise you

for your unfailing and unending love and care

for your mercy, new every morning

for your grace, undeserved favour for me, a sinner

for my husband

for my children

for my friends

for your attention to detail ( working out all to perfection )

for your protection and provision ( no plane crashes, means to do all this )

for your healing power ( no vertigo, no headaches when traveling)

for your people ( friends connecting us to believers wherever we go )

for your church ( Holy Trinity Brompton, London England )

for your favour for my children ( Bekkie's room, roommate, new friends; a place to live, schooling, a bike for Laura, she is in Holland after all :) 

for your faithfulness in the past 

for your direction and guidance

I give you the future,

it is in your hands.

I might not know what it will look like,

but I know you.

through hardships in the past you have taught me to trust

seeking you I know I will find you

drawing near to you I know you will draw near to me

you are moving me on

and I would lie to say it doesn't make me sad

it hurts

but

I know there is a purpose

I know you will continue to use me

I know that you are faithful

I will stand on that.

I will cling to you and let you have your way

surrendering

it seems to be something one has to do daily

it's all about you

your glory

your will be done

in my life as it is is heaven.

there.. that's it.

ruins and extravagant love.

another week has gone by. and a day.
in the meantime I have travelled a bit.
first to the Netherlands to visit one of my daughters studying there for a semester, her last year of law school.
I hate the travel in itself, no sleep, long waiting times, trains cancelled, delayed, 18 hours later, with about an hour sleep during what kind of was the night, this body of mine was about to give out.
I love the reason for the travel. my child. seeing her there. spending lots of time talking, walking and more talking.
the Goodbye. tearful. in our future a longer than usual period apart.

travel again, more cancelled / non existent trains.. the reason for it, I loved. my youngest. meeting her in her new place of living. starting school in England.

lots of walking. and talking. and figuring out and setting up. then. another Goodbye. this little spunky one is the last of my children to leave the nest.

I know I will miss her much. I know I will pray even more for her now that she is so far away.

read a great devotion this morning from James MacDonald.. because we are loved by our Father in Heaven He will never stop to put us through trials.. His love is a perfecting love. even the most healthiest changes that bring a sense of loss and sadness He uses to teach us.

learning to trust Him while walking through all these times of refining. praying much and seeing prayers answered. priceless.

He is good. He is extravagant. He is trustworthy and never changing. His love knows no end.

the contrast so stark. the world. it's dark. but His love. it shines. the light that illuminates the darkness cannot be hidden.
the peace always right there. His power unshakeable. mighty He is.
not openly. but still mocked and ridiculed. for His sake? it's worth it always.

at the airport again, more travel, more stress on this old body of mine. returning to more issues. and lots to do.
in His sovereignty He allows them. the issues. or even orchestrates them exactly the way they are.
a father and a mother. their health failing all at the same time.
ruins. rubble. left over from a life lived in the darkness. destruction seems inevitable.

let the ruins come to life

in the beauty of your name

rising up from the ashes 

God forever you reign

and their souls will find refuge 

in the shadow of your wings..

with Him, all is possible, nothing is impossible.. reality is who He is.. not what circumstances are.

peace. reconciliation. love flowing freely. it's possible.

so trusting and praying and hoping and waiting. on Him. and His plan.

expectantly waiting for it to unfold. 

walking through the desert fixing our eyes on Him, the mountain mover and not the mountain. no matter how high.

coming home tomorrow I will go to the dentist ( I SO HATE the dentist ) and then embark on a 5-6 hour drive to finally, at least for a little while,  be reunited with the man I married 3 weeks and 1 day ago. together we will pray and trust and wait. do what we can and rest in Him.

I am blessed.

it's been two weeks ( and taking down an idol )

it's been two weeks.
I have been married to the man of my dreams for 2 weeks.
grocery shopping a few days ago someone called me by my new last name.
took me a second to realize they were calling me.
ha.
it takes a moment to sink in.
the culmination of what God had been planning all along.
what a blessing to be on the other side.
I was trying to hold on to hope for many years.  sometimes I had a hard time believing there was any.
realized that I had to let go of it. trusting Him that He would always be enough.
and He was. He always is. but, because He is this extravagant Daddy, He wanted to shower us with His amazing blessings anyways. blows my mind and makes my heart sing.

it's been a stressful week. so much to do. so many changes. and then somehow the peace eluded me. missing my brand new husband, trying to be the daughter I need to be. trying to be the mother I want to be. trying to take care of my ministry and prepare for handing it over ... I was stressed. sleep was nowhere to be found and in those wee morning hours fear gripped my heart.
my child. moving to another continent to go to school. letting here go pretty scary. my parents. the situation there as chaotic as ever. sickness having it's way. so hard to watch. my move. my immigration. leaving my children, my hometown of almost 23 years, my church family, basically everyone I love ( minus this amazing husband of mine )

just too much.

this morning at church though. worshipping Him, there was this thought.. first it was just a small whisper.
"cannot let all this worry steal the joy. He is bigger. He is always faithful"
and then. the sermon. talking about peace. no surprises here. it's always relevant to me personally.and  not just me. all of us.
and there it hit me. between me and the peace my beloved Daddy usually has for me was this idol. I had put it up. unknowingly. makes sense now.
the need to be the perfect mother. somehow always feeling I had to be the saviour. the protector. making sure they were fine. being everything and all to them, doing it on my own. feeling the love and the responsibility. somehow something very good and healthy became something that took over. something that somehow totally depended on me.

still always praying, always hoping for God to be the One looking after them and protecting  them somehow I did not trust Him for it. somehow it became something that separated me from Him. that idol that was standing in the way of me fully surrendering to Him. it stood between me and the peace

came home and repented and renounced and gave it all to Him.
and now. I am excited for my youngest daughter and thankful for how she has changed and matured over the last 2 1/2 months. I know I can trust Him for her. I know that I don't have to feel guilty for what the Lord has blessed me with. a new life. that takes me far away from where our home has been all along.
it's His plan. and it is perfect. like all the plans He has for us. those plans are always to prosper. never to harm. there is always a future and always a hope.
tears again during worship time. but my little daughter. she was the one putting her arms around me. and then. when she took me to the airport and I shared what the Lord had been showing me she said this: "but Mama, you are the perfect mother"
it doesn't get much better than this.
all praise and glory to Him. so thankful.