anxiety and fear: a default reaction?

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

Psalm 13

posted this passage as part of a blog post 2 1/2 years ago.. 

 a door I had thought would open for me had just been shut right into my face a month before and I was discouraged..

the Lord did work some things out, showed me some stuff about myself and an idol I had erected, made me take it down and actively embrace my circumstances instead...

in the meantime the main reason I had had no sparkle in my eyes has been restored..

faithful like He is, my Father in Heaven has restored the years the locusts have eaten and I am blessed..

there is, even now, never a shortage of issues and difficulties and trials that have me struggle with anguish and sorrow in my heart..

trusting in His unfailing love a means of survival each day.

I have realized one thing.

the "once this is dealt with, I won't be anxious anymore" is one huge lie we tend to believe 

I am sure that fear and anxiety is just my "go to emotion", 

that it is something in me, that causes me to end up there over and over again

my circumstances, like anyone else's are always going to include difficult and sometimes heart wrenching things.

what will I do with them..

will my default reaction be to trust Him

or to be afraid ?

I can decide that.

having the Spirit of the living God in me, 

I can choose to fix my eyes on Him, the mountain mover rather than on the mountain, 

no matter how unsurmountable it seems..

the power that resurrected Christ is mine,

I do not have to allow the enemy to deceive me into feeling lost and powerless.

the Creator of the Universe is on my side

He is good to me

He rescues me

He unravels me with a melody

He splits the sea so I can walk right through it

His love has called my name.

I am His

What can man do to me?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate me from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour

Romans 8:38-39

not jealous.. no MWS Cruise for me

listening to a little tidbit from the MWS and Friends Cruise going on right now.. I am reminded of a lot of things...

I am thankful for technology. without it I could not be listening to Laura Story sharing part of her story and singing...

I am thankful for the fact that I have friends I love enough to miss them, they are on that cruise..

I am thankful that I have met them all on a cruise just like that..

I am thankful that during  the last 6 years I have been on 3 cruises like this..
time spent with like minded Christ Followers,  each time spending a week of praising our Father in Heaven, learning about Him

I am thankful that in all the trials and tribulations God teaches us so much more than just learning to trust Him

He teaches us how much He loves us..
He shows us how much He cares,
that He alone is in control and that what He has for us is the best..
even if we might not be able to see it so clearly at times..

a few months ago, when the time came to pay the balance for this trip I needed to make a decision.
my mother was slowly but very surely dying from cancer and the fact that she lived in Switzerland and I lived 6,000km ( 3,728.227 miles ) away on a different continent just made it so inexcusable to spend this kind of money on a trip so frivolous.. I needed to spend my money on going to see my mother and, I needed to be available at any given time to rush to her...

not even a month later the unimaginable, unbearable happened.. my mother passed away, expected yet horribly sudden, too late to get a few days with her while on this earth, we still had to rush over there to be with family and to honor her...

we had been praying for God to have mercy on her and God was merciful... He took her and spared her more suffering ... I am holding on to that when the waves of grief still overwhelm...

not being on that cruise this week still is a hard thing to do...

but again, I am thankful

thankful that I could instead have been tending to family for the last 10 days

thankful to be home with my husband who is such a pillar of strength for me

thankful that, as with my mother passing, there is now new opportunity to be transformed..

to be content in all circumstances.

to not be jealous but to rejoice with those that are rejoicing.

to take feelings and thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and to allow Him to change me

I wish I was there, but God had a different plan

His plans are not only to not harm me but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future, they are the very best, it's actually a no brainer.

we did not know the timing of it all.
He did.

time spent with my daughters who I am missing so and who miss me..
time spent with my father, who having lost his wife, bowed his knees before Christ just 4 weeks ago
time spent with other family members trying to help navigate new territory
reconnecting with friends who needed encouragement and who encouraged me.

so, long story short.
God never wastes one second of our lives.
He always is faithful to mold us and shape us,
to make us more like Himself..
often through taking away,
always through blessing us.

there is strength within the sorrow

there is beauty in our tears

and You meet us in our mourning

with a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You are sanctifying us

when beyond our understanding 

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood 

You're faithful forever

perfect in love

You are SOVEREIGN over us...

...quietly submit to the trials and tribulations.. :O

Remember He is the artist and you are only the picture. You can't see it. So quietly submit to be painted. 

C.S. Lewis

another Sunday, another opportunity to worship with the family God has placed us in .. another sermon about suffering, I think this was the last one in the series "Why me?" 

timely to hear about what we need to focus on if we want to be able to see God in our trials..

as Christians, children of God I heard a wise man say one day that we are either in, have just come out, or will enter into a time of trial and suffering.. it's because He, our Father in Heaven is committed to making us holy, more like Him, and He will not stop until He takes us home one day..

this man, James McDonald, went on to say that if you were not experiencing any trial for a long time you might want to test yourself and see if you are really one of His children..

so, sermons about suffering are always timely.. learning to not try to run from it but embrace it, knowing that He who allowed it has only our best interest in mind, will never hurt us or harm us, learning to look to Him, not become angry, bitter, full of doubt, turn away or try to control the situation.. that's always a very good thing..  God the Father always is all about accomplishing His purposes for us, He wants to teach us to trust Him, let us receive His comfort so we can comfort others, take our eyes of ourselves and minister to others instead, He sometimes just plain will use our suffering to show His power and glory.. not fighting this but accepting and surrendering is what we need to do..

last sermon of the series focused on how we can make sure we are able to see God in our suffering ...

there were steps like confessing sin immediately,  surrendering completely ( wow, being content in our suffering and accepting it fully) loved the next one: thinking biblically.. filtering our thoughts through the verse in Philippians 4.. whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.... standing firm on what we know is true.. no matter how things around us look or feel, endure patiently and, last but not least: struggle corporately...

ha...

having had the immense privilege of being a part of a place where this was happening at all times, I guess I had not realized how hard life would be if this part was not working...

if there was no one near to come walk alongside you, to encourage and uphold you through prayer, through pointing to scriptures and just to love and to care ..

I was aware that this is what has carried me through all the many years of being a follower of Christ and His refining work in my life.. have enjoyed the privilege of walking alongside other believers, sister and brothers in Christ and those the Lord has allowed me to share my faith with through the Pregnancy Center..

so today, as I wrote down the last point, I thanked Him, that this indeed has been my experience for so long , also realizing that having kind of lost this family and not quite connected in this way with the new one has had me in this rather difficult stage over the last little while..

so thankful that today I got to talk to a few more people at the church and new things will start up soon.. 

knowing and believing firmly that God is in TOTAL control of ALL my circumstances at ALL times, I know He wanted this like this.. I can see why as well, or at least a little bit anyways..

growing together as husband and wife without this kind of network of caring brothers and sisters had us look to each other only in those times of need ..  and so we failed, we succeeded, we cried and we met each other on levels far deeper than ever before.. what a blessing.. hard at times but oh so good.. the Lord turning the difficult into something very good for both of us, because we love Him, because we have been called according to His amazing purpose..

is it going to be a struggle to always be patient, surrendered and focusing on Him and being content in all the ongoing struggles and future trials? oh for sure... but.. I know that He, the Daddy in Heaven has our backs and His plans are perfect.

I know His intentions and I am thankful that He will not give up making us more holy each day..

But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;  for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.

1 Peter 1: 15-16

..it never hurts to be looking for "son"shine... Eeyore

I have always gravitated to Eeyore... I feel some kinship.. can relate to that cloud that continually seems to be following him... I love how gentle he is and kind, in his sad state always trying to be ok..

I took a few moments today to read through the few posts of the last weeks .. and I do think that there seems to be an overabundance of trials... one after the other gets added and some just hang around...

knew that and have been known to say things like this before: I know God is teaching me, shaping me and refining me through this, I know that everything that comes my way is informed by His purposeful goodness, but... could I just get a little break... just for a while????

well, was I put into my place last Sunday..
I have to say as lonely and displaced that I feel here in my new "home town" I am so extremely thankful for that church the Lord has put us in..
yes, we don't really know anyone and that is hard for both of us.
but, man is it ever a good church.
amazing, genuine worship, and GREAT preaching..the truth being proclaimed and the hard stuff not avoided.. so blessed to be there, no question about that..

so, I was put in my place... like all the others that kind of think they have been refined enough, thank you very much ..

the Lord disciplines the ones He loves.. true
He will not give up on us but will bring to completion the good work He started... true..
He knows best... very true
so what if that black cloud is following me.. so what the losses and difficulties never seem to end..

there is blessing in knowing Him in the storm
there is blessing in waiting
there is blessing in getting glimpses of what He is doing once in a while
there is blessing in His purposes for my life
there is blessing in being able to share the comfort I received through all those trials with those around me
there is blessing in seeing His goodness everywhere, just because I HAVE to focus on Him to survive
there are blessings.. too many to count.. to know that I am desperate for Him,
that He is the air I breath, that it is He who carries me, it is He who holds on to me, when I feel all I can do is hold on to Him..
there is blessing in seeing the new things He does, the amazing things He does..
there is blessing in being lonely if it drives me to Him
there is blessing in knowing Him more and more and more and more..

He is faithful
He is committed
He is perfect in love
He is SOVEREIGN
and worthy to be praised.

I am human, and kind of an Eeyore-person.. so, I know He forgives me for feeling like I need a break, but I know that I have to take my eyes off myself and fix them on what is eternal... JESUS...
and that's all there is to it.
I am blessed.