anxiety and fear: a default reaction?

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

Psalm 13

posted this passage as part of a blog post 2 1/2 years ago.. 

 a door I had thought would open for me had just been shut right into my face a month before and I was discouraged..

the Lord did work some things out, showed me some stuff about myself and an idol I had erected, made me take it down and actively embrace my circumstances instead...

in the meantime the main reason I had had no sparkle in my eyes has been restored..

faithful like He is, my Father in Heaven has restored the years the locusts have eaten and I am blessed..

there is, even now, never a shortage of issues and difficulties and trials that have me struggle with anguish and sorrow in my heart..

trusting in His unfailing love a means of survival each day.

I have realized one thing.

the "once this is dealt with, I won't be anxious anymore" is one huge lie we tend to believe 

I am sure that fear and anxiety is just my "go to emotion", 

that it is something in me, that causes me to end up there over and over again

my circumstances, like anyone else's are always going to include difficult and sometimes heart wrenching things.

what will I do with them..

will my default reaction be to trust Him

or to be afraid ?

I can decide that.

having the Spirit of the living God in me, 

I can choose to fix my eyes on Him, the mountain mover rather than on the mountain, 

no matter how unsurmountable it seems..

the power that resurrected Christ is mine,

I do not have to allow the enemy to deceive me into feeling lost and powerless.

the Creator of the Universe is on my side

He is good to me

He rescues me

He unravels me with a melody

He splits the sea so I can walk right through it

His love has called my name.

I am His

What can man do to me?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate me from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour

Romans 8:38-39

not jealous.. no MWS Cruise for me

listening to a little tidbit from the MWS and Friends Cruise going on right now.. I am reminded of a lot of things...

I am thankful for technology. without it I could not be listening to Laura Story sharing part of her story and singing...

I am thankful for the fact that I have friends I love enough to miss them, they are on that cruise..

I am thankful that I have met them all on a cruise just like that..

I am thankful that during  the last 6 years I have been on 3 cruises like this..
time spent with like minded Christ Followers,  each time spending a week of praising our Father in Heaven, learning about Him

I am thankful that in all the trials and tribulations God teaches us so much more than just learning to trust Him

He teaches us how much He loves us..
He shows us how much He cares,
that He alone is in control and that what He has for us is the best..
even if we might not be able to see it so clearly at times..

a few months ago, when the time came to pay the balance for this trip I needed to make a decision.
my mother was slowly but very surely dying from cancer and the fact that she lived in Switzerland and I lived 6,000km ( 3,728.227 miles ) away on a different continent just made it so inexcusable to spend this kind of money on a trip so frivolous.. I needed to spend my money on going to see my mother and, I needed to be available at any given time to rush to her...

not even a month later the unimaginable, unbearable happened.. my mother passed away, expected yet horribly sudden, too late to get a few days with her while on this earth, we still had to rush over there to be with family and to honor her...

we had been praying for God to have mercy on her and God was merciful... He took her and spared her more suffering ... I am holding on to that when the waves of grief still overwhelm...

not being on that cruise this week still is a hard thing to do...

but again, I am thankful

thankful that I could instead have been tending to family for the last 10 days

thankful to be home with my husband who is such a pillar of strength for me

thankful that, as with my mother passing, there is now new opportunity to be transformed..

to be content in all circumstances.

to not be jealous but to rejoice with those that are rejoicing.

to take feelings and thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and to allow Him to change me

I wish I was there, but God had a different plan

His plans are not only to not harm me but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future, they are the very best, it's actually a no brainer.

we did not know the timing of it all.
He did.

time spent with my daughters who I am missing so and who miss me..
time spent with my father, who having lost his wife, bowed his knees before Christ just 4 weeks ago
time spent with other family members trying to help navigate new territory
reconnecting with friends who needed encouragement and who encouraged me.

so, long story short.
God never wastes one second of our lives.
He always is faithful to mold us and shape us,
to make us more like Himself..
often through taking away,
always through blessing us.

there is strength within the sorrow

there is beauty in our tears

and You meet us in our mourning

with a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You are sanctifying us

when beyond our understanding 

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood 

You're faithful forever

perfect in love

You are SOVEREIGN over us...

..physical touch, quality time and affirmation....

took the test and it was confirmed.... :)

I knew it already, but it was good to see it "black and white" so to speak..

I am talking about the 5 love languages.. the first one, far ahead of all the others:

TOUCH......

followed by Quality Time and Words of Affirmation..........

so.... leaving the whole aspect of overstepping boundaries.. moving from the righteous to the sinful... aside...

---> it is not that Jesus is not enough..

it is not that He is not the source of my hope, my joy, my peace... 

it is not that He is not blessing me... it is not that I am not fulfilled serving Him,

it is not that I am not more concerned about the lost.. those that do not know Him yet..

it is not that I do not think of others and care for them and have tremendous compassion for them..

and because of that give generously of myself, my time, my attention and my love...

it is not that I am not thankful for my children, my friends, my church... and all the many blessings He bestows on me daily...

it is not that I will be fine, even when I never get married again....

but.....

TOUCH, QUALITY TIME and WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.... with, like I said, TOUCH far ahead of everything....

that's what I am longing for.... and is this wrong? a sign of weakness? a sign for me not being where I should be? not mature enough? not Christian enough?

He is the One that made me that way.....

so... if I have to live a life without those things... I will cling to my Lord, and trust that He will sustain me... but I do long for the touch.. that communicates love...

a little tidbit of information... you know you are desperately deprived of what communicates love to you when it takes all out of you not to break down crying when your orthodontist works on your teeth...

or your massage therapist massages your face ...

there is nothing I can do about that.

I am thankful that God has shown me how my past and my need for love and acceptance from a real live man had lead me to pass over from righteousness to sin without being willing to call a sin a sin..

I am working through the past events that have somehow distorted my way of dealing with this specific area..

I know now though that I am just that person that God made me, that touchy, feely, affectionate, loving, caring woman, that was made to complement a man and together manifest who God is...

again, if He wants me to remain single, I will... and I will have to rely on Him to stay pure.. and that I will... with all that I have in me.. 

..suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth...

... sitting at my desk this grey afternoon... having some time now to reflect ... it has been a busy week, and " work wise" the week will be over for me in 40 min...

my children, but one, and she leaves tomorrow, are away... my brother and sister and families are gone for the summer as well...
friends are on vacation, even my pastor is gone for the month of July...

just returned from one of the highlights of my life... I feel so very blessed..
a trip to Franklin, Tennessee to spend with wonderful friends from all over North America, enjoying amazing concerts, food and fun...
Worship times, devotions, skeet shooting and hot air ballon rides... sunshine, delving deep into the history of the battle of Franklin in 1864, antique shopping .... if I had to make a list of what would make me happy I couldn't have put it together any better.....

spending these few days in an area they call the "buckle of the Bible belt"... just what my soul needed..
when there is Christian music playing in a little boutique with the finest of clothes, antiques.. a prayer wall and the owners donate 10% of their profit to Christian charities a year.. when parking in the two parking garages of Downtown Franklin is FREE.. when those you pass by in the streets make eye contact with you and genuinely greet you and wish you a "great day y'all"... you know you are suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth....

recording a few lines of background vocals for one of Michael W Smith's new songs on the new CD that will be released sometime next spring... John Elefante, former Kansas lead singer performing "Dust in the Wind" and some of his own Christian songs... more concerts, Brandon Heath being one of the song writers performing during the "Writer's Round" at the Open Air Concert by the lake and the willow tree at Deer Valley Farm......

leaving this little piece of heaven is hard for me every time I have to do it.....

so thankful to my Father in Heaven to allow me these kind of experiences..so undeserving I am, and yet He showers me with blessings...

sitting here, all alone, soon I will go home to my house... the last two days have been exhausting yet exhilarating.. serving my Jesus always is... I think I will just have to lay low and bask in the afterglow of this great little trip I just came back from...

#SoliDeoGloria