anxiety and fear: a default reaction?

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

Psalm 13

posted this passage as part of a blog post 2 1/2 years ago.. 

 a door I had thought would open for me had just been shut right into my face a month before and I was discouraged..

the Lord did work some things out, showed me some stuff about myself and an idol I had erected, made me take it down and actively embrace my circumstances instead...

in the meantime the main reason I had had no sparkle in my eyes has been restored..

faithful like He is, my Father in Heaven has restored the years the locusts have eaten and I am blessed..

there is, even now, never a shortage of issues and difficulties and trials that have me struggle with anguish and sorrow in my heart..

trusting in His unfailing love a means of survival each day.

I have realized one thing.

the "once this is dealt with, I won't be anxious anymore" is one huge lie we tend to believe 

I am sure that fear and anxiety is just my "go to emotion", 

that it is something in me, that causes me to end up there over and over again

my circumstances, like anyone else's are always going to include difficult and sometimes heart wrenching things.

what will I do with them..

will my default reaction be to trust Him

or to be afraid ?

I can decide that.

having the Spirit of the living God in me, 

I can choose to fix my eyes on Him, the mountain mover rather than on the mountain, 

no matter how unsurmountable it seems..

the power that resurrected Christ is mine,

I do not have to allow the enemy to deceive me into feeling lost and powerless.

the Creator of the Universe is on my side

He is good to me

He rescues me

He unravels me with a melody

He splits the sea so I can walk right through it

His love has called my name.

I am His

What can man do to me?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate me from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour

Romans 8:38-39

.. intended for evil.. turned to good...

..just had a wonderfully extended time with my Father....
funnily enough, anytime I come to him, He gives me all His attention and has so many things for me to understand and learn... I love Him a lot. :)

still studying through the 11th chapter of Hebrews.. all about the Superheroes of Faith...

interesting what God uses to get through to us.. let's face it, He knows us so well and since His Word is alive and sharper than a double-edged sword.. He always succeeds in making known what He wants me to get..

so the last week was a little harder, found myself sleeping a lot, blamed it on the weather, but I know too that I was just so very exhausted emotionally... after all, my Father performed some deep tissue surgery last weekend.. takes a soul a while to recover from that, as necessary and helpful as it is, it still requires some rehab after..

so today, as I was dwelling on Joseph's life, and the blessing his father Jacob bestowed on him and his sons, I all of a sudden thought it would be a good thing to write down what had been meant for evil throughout my life, and how God turned it into something good... how He increased my faith and my effectiveness..

then I wrote down how this last "meant for evil" ordeal 3 and 1/2 years ago has indeed increased my blessings and me being a blessing...

oh my goodness... there is soooooooo much that He has brought out of this.... it was good to list it all.

Joseph, who endured hardship because of others intending evil, was put in such a powerful earthly place, that he in turn was able to bless many, even those that put him in the pit in the first place..
his father ended up giving him pre-eminence when blessing all his sons and indeed, the blessing really started becoming true after Jacob passed away... the increase in numbers exploded..

for me... I never before had ventured outside the walls of the church so to speak, taking the gospel to the lost... I now have had the privilege to lead a few to the Lord and walk beside them on their journey...
even my mother, this wonderfully stubborn German lady I love so much...
God provided for a life that has had me stable and secure despite the turmoil, again, intended for evil....

He has blessed me by increasing the circle of my influence of blessing and encouragement...
He has showered me with new friends, both through the ministry He called me to and through the healing blessings like becoming one of those crazy fans of this one Christian artist...
y'all know who you are and my life has been enriched to an extend I would have never been able to imagine...

I have freedom to be the passionate Christian I am... to give of my time freely..

so, thanks to what my Father shared with me when I climbed up on His knees today, I am once again able to fix my eyes on Him and what He is doing, rather than on my unmet, legitimate needs..
He has a plan, and it was good to make an inventory of just how marvellous that plan is....
for me, writing it all down really helps....

To Him alone be the Glory #SoliDeoGloria

..physical touch, quality time and affirmation....

took the test and it was confirmed.... :)

I knew it already, but it was good to see it "black and white" so to speak..

I am talking about the 5 love languages.. the first one, far ahead of all the others:

TOUCH......

followed by Quality Time and Words of Affirmation..........

so.... leaving the whole aspect of overstepping boundaries.. moving from the righteous to the sinful... aside...

---> it is not that Jesus is not enough..

it is not that He is not the source of my hope, my joy, my peace... 

it is not that He is not blessing me... it is not that I am not fulfilled serving Him,

it is not that I am not more concerned about the lost.. those that do not know Him yet..

it is not that I do not think of others and care for them and have tremendous compassion for them..

and because of that give generously of myself, my time, my attention and my love...

it is not that I am not thankful for my children, my friends, my church... and all the many blessings He bestows on me daily...

it is not that I will be fine, even when I never get married again....

but.....

TOUCH, QUALITY TIME and WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.... with, like I said, TOUCH far ahead of everything....

that's what I am longing for.... and is this wrong? a sign of weakness? a sign for me not being where I should be? not mature enough? not Christian enough?

He is the One that made me that way.....

so... if I have to live a life without those things... I will cling to my Lord, and trust that He will sustain me... but I do long for the touch.. that communicates love...

a little tidbit of information... you know you are desperately deprived of what communicates love to you when it takes all out of you not to break down crying when your orthodontist works on your teeth...

or your massage therapist massages your face ...

there is nothing I can do about that.

I am thankful that God has shown me how my past and my need for love and acceptance from a real live man had lead me to pass over from righteousness to sin without being willing to call a sin a sin..

I am working through the past events that have somehow distorted my way of dealing with this specific area..

I know now though that I am just that person that God made me, that touchy, feely, affectionate, loving, caring woman, that was made to complement a man and together manifest who God is...

again, if He wants me to remain single, I will... and I will have to rely on Him to stay pure.. and that I will... with all that I have in me.. 

... "let's just pretend they are dead... ??????? " :O

"....hating someone takes too much energy... I will just pretend they are dead...."a post I saw on Facebook this morning..

how about forgiveness is what I am thinking.....  don't know what this "someone" has done to make her hate him / her....  

make no mistake I do know about hurts so atrocious that hating comes "naturally".... a human feeling to be had... never God's intention.. a consequence of the fall.. destructive and harmful.. distorting the person who hates.. she has a point there that it takes too much energy and as we know, it keeps us bound to the offender... chained to his sin against us...

trying to pretend they are dead.. not so sure if this is a good and effective way of dealing with this..

forgiveness seems to be too costly... what do you mean, letting go and agreeing to live with the consequences of the other person's sin committed against you???

makes no sense apart from the truth... the truth that God Himself has forgiven me, the broken and sinful child of His.. only if I fully understand my need for forgiveness and the amazing grace that was given to me... obviously I am not going to forgive... why would I....  

without God convicting me and showing me how I fall short of being holy and without sin, I don't really have the ability to forgive and let of the hook the person that has hurt me.......

when we forgive we basically say that God should be the judge, we can be sure that He never takes sin lightly... He alone though is holy and therefore can judge justly.... He alone is full of mercy and grace.. and He will deal with the person and his sin....  

who am I, a sinner, to think I could judge others?

forgiveness brings freedom and peace and God will be faithful to heal the hurt done to us... I am glad that He also will heal the hurts I have done to others... ha, that's a thought...

a wonderful song introduced to me last weekend reminds me of this totally UNDESERVED gift that I have received when God saved me 19 years ago.... check it out... it's a great song by Leeland:

Wounded and forsaken 

I was shattered by the fall 

Broken and forgotten 

Feeling lost and all alone 

Summoned by the King 

Into the Master's courts 

Lifted by the Savior 

And cradled in His arms 

I was carried to the table 

Seated where I don't belong 

Carried to the table 

Swept away by His love 

And I don't see my brokenness anymore 

When I'm seated at the table of the Lord 

I'm carried to the table 

The table of the Lord 

Fighting thoughts of fear 

And wondering why He called my name 

Am I good enough to share this cup 

This world has left me lame 

Even in my weakness 

The Savior called my name 

In His Holy presence 

I'm healed and unashamed 

You carried me, my God 

You carried me

so how can I not in turn let the ones that hurt me off the hook? undeserved as it is, for sure... through Him I can do all things, forgiveness is what being a Christian is all about... and I don't even have to be die on the cross... He did that for me......... will never be able to get my head around that one.. eternally grateful I am choosing to be obedient... and through Him I can...

..suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth...

... sitting at my desk this grey afternoon... having some time now to reflect ... it has been a busy week, and " work wise" the week will be over for me in 40 min...

my children, but one, and she leaves tomorrow, are away... my brother and sister and families are gone for the summer as well...
friends are on vacation, even my pastor is gone for the month of July...

just returned from one of the highlights of my life... I feel so very blessed..
a trip to Franklin, Tennessee to spend with wonderful friends from all over North America, enjoying amazing concerts, food and fun...
Worship times, devotions, skeet shooting and hot air ballon rides... sunshine, delving deep into the history of the battle of Franklin in 1864, antique shopping .... if I had to make a list of what would make me happy I couldn't have put it together any better.....

spending these few days in an area they call the "buckle of the Bible belt"... just what my soul needed..
when there is Christian music playing in a little boutique with the finest of clothes, antiques.. a prayer wall and the owners donate 10% of their profit to Christian charities a year.. when parking in the two parking garages of Downtown Franklin is FREE.. when those you pass by in the streets make eye contact with you and genuinely greet you and wish you a "great day y'all"... you know you are suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth....

recording a few lines of background vocals for one of Michael W Smith's new songs on the new CD that will be released sometime next spring... John Elefante, former Kansas lead singer performing "Dust in the Wind" and some of his own Christian songs... more concerts, Brandon Heath being one of the song writers performing during the "Writer's Round" at the Open Air Concert by the lake and the willow tree at Deer Valley Farm......

leaving this little piece of heaven is hard for me every time I have to do it.....

so thankful to my Father in Heaven to allow me these kind of experiences..so undeserving I am, and yet He showers me with blessings...

sitting here, all alone, soon I will go home to my house... the last two days have been exhausting yet exhilarating.. serving my Jesus always is... I think I will just have to lay low and bask in the afterglow of this great little trip I just came back from...

#SoliDeoGloria