..just hold on... you are loved.....right???

last week around this time we were getting ready to go on the bus that would take us to Michael W Smith's "Deer Valley Farm"....

today, after a nice lunch with a wonderful friend I am at home, just mowed my backyard jungle and my arms are all itchy.. and now, all I want to do is curl up and cry...

without going into details, what has happened this morning made me look at my old blog: "Beauty in the turmoil" and find an entry about patience......
here it is:


"If you know me, you know that I am a passionate, ( some negative and very mean :( people call me fanatic.. the nerve) enthusiastic person.... most of the time this kind of character trait comes with another , that is not quite that positive ( if you think it is positive to  begin with).... the not so good thing that comes with passion is often times IMPATIENCE...

So, God, my beloved Daddy, has had his hands full with me in that way... many times in my life I have just jumped right into situations that seemed so right at the moment but then turned out disastrous......
After 16 years of having the Holy Spirit living in me I am happy to say that the patience that is part of His fruit has also grown "a little bit" in me......

 As I am so very excited now.... you got it, I am also really struggling with impatience...
So I thought, why not try and get some wisdom from "THE" source of wisdom... so I did a little word study of the word patience in the Bible.

As all good scholars ;) do, I first looked patience up in the dictionary and the thesaurus..here it goes:

Meaning: the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining
Synonyms: forbearance, long-suffering, sufferance, tolerance
Related Words: acquiescence, resignation; passiveness, passivity; amenability, compliance, conformism, docility, obedience, subordination, tractability, willingness; discipline, self-control; submission, submissiveness
WOW....I knew it was a high calling...

Now, what does the bible have to say... interestingly enough patience, the noun is only found in the  bible 17 times, to be patient 27 times.... hmmmmm
 Does that maybe mean this is an action... something we need to choose to do, rather than wait for it to happen by itself... ( as an aside... to bad this site has no emoticons... I so would like to use some here and there)

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ( Romans 8:25)
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ( Romans 12:12)
And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. (Hebrews 6:15)

These are only four of the verses that contain the word patient... there is quite a bit though that speaks to me and let's me know what the Lord has for me, if I wait patiently....
He will hear my cry, we will receive what is promised... it tells me too when to be patient... in affliction, and when I am hoping for something I do not have....this verse in Romans 8 reminds me of another one that sounds almost the same: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ( Hebrews 11:1) Now isn't it interesting the connection that can be made here..
If we hope patiently for what we do not have, and we are being sure of what we are hoping for, that's faith... after waiting patiently, we will receive the promises...so even though we cannot see them now, through faith, which is a gift from God, we do not loose hope, actually, like Romans 12:12 says, we are joyful in this hope...it is amazing.
I love the Word...it has answers for all our questions.... that's another proof that our Father in Heaven loves us so much...He has given us His word, so that we can find all we need, wisdom, hope, joy and faith..

So, once again,   I have the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining, I have the willingness to be obedient...because, as I wait patiently, my God gives me joy as I hope in what I do not have, knowing that He hears me and will give me what He has promised  and He even provides and grows the faith that I need to be able to hold on to this hope.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

As the Spirit testifies to my spirit I can joyfully and patiently serve Him while I am waiting....."

this was July 29, 2010... it had been 7 months and 11 days that my husband had walked out on me and the kids... I had just started to work at the Pregnancy Crisis Center and was more and more becoming aware that God might have something exciting down the road for me....

today...I am living this calling and don't take me wrong, I am so blessed by it... and yet.. I looked this up because my deepest longing, the one thing I am most impatient about, has not happened... it is almost 3 years ago and I guess I still struggle with the same stuff.... so today, I am going to curl up and cry out to my Father.... it's all I can do.

... "let's just pretend they are dead... ??????? " :O

"....hating someone takes too much energy... I will just pretend they are dead...."a post I saw on Facebook this morning..

how about forgiveness is what I am thinking.....  don't know what this "someone" has done to make her hate him / her....  

make no mistake I do know about hurts so atrocious that hating comes "naturally".... a human feeling to be had... never God's intention.. a consequence of the fall.. destructive and harmful.. distorting the person who hates.. she has a point there that it takes too much energy and as we know, it keeps us bound to the offender... chained to his sin against us...

trying to pretend they are dead.. not so sure if this is a good and effective way of dealing with this..

forgiveness seems to be too costly... what do you mean, letting go and agreeing to live with the consequences of the other person's sin committed against you???

makes no sense apart from the truth... the truth that God Himself has forgiven me, the broken and sinful child of His.. only if I fully understand my need for forgiveness and the amazing grace that was given to me... obviously I am not going to forgive... why would I....  

without God convicting me and showing me how I fall short of being holy and without sin, I don't really have the ability to forgive and let of the hook the person that has hurt me.......

when we forgive we basically say that God should be the judge, we can be sure that He never takes sin lightly... He alone though is holy and therefore can judge justly.... He alone is full of mercy and grace.. and He will deal with the person and his sin....  

who am I, a sinner, to think I could judge others?

forgiveness brings freedom and peace and God will be faithful to heal the hurt done to us... I am glad that He also will heal the hurts I have done to others... ha, that's a thought...

a wonderful song introduced to me last weekend reminds me of this totally UNDESERVED gift that I have received when God saved me 19 years ago.... check it out... it's a great song by Leeland:

Wounded and forsaken 

I was shattered by the fall 

Broken and forgotten 

Feeling lost and all alone 

Summoned by the King 

Into the Master's courts 

Lifted by the Savior 

And cradled in His arms 

I was carried to the table 

Seated where I don't belong 

Carried to the table 

Swept away by His love 

And I don't see my brokenness anymore 

When I'm seated at the table of the Lord 

I'm carried to the table 

The table of the Lord 

Fighting thoughts of fear 

And wondering why He called my name 

Am I good enough to share this cup 

This world has left me lame 

Even in my weakness 

The Savior called my name 

In His Holy presence 

I'm healed and unashamed 

You carried me, my God 

You carried me

so how can I not in turn let the ones that hurt me off the hook? undeserved as it is, for sure... through Him I can do all things, forgiveness is what being a Christian is all about... and I don't even have to be die on the cross... He did that for me......... will never be able to get my head around that one.. eternally grateful I am choosing to be obedient... and through Him I can...

.....so what I am single.....

"... born while the drug addict mother was in jail for dealing and possession... adopted and abused, removed and placed..  again and again, raped and instructed to abort, used and pushed around... lost and alone, without a place to belong, people to belong to, misrepresented and misunderstood... a child taken away, leaving another huge void impossible to fill..."




when, on a day like today, sadness wants to overcome me and kill my joy, when I am reminded that taking my eyes of myself is what I need to do, I have no shortage of lives that have touched mine to focus on, that help me to gain a proper perspective .. and end the "self-pity party"....

instead of allowing feelings of loneliness and that all familiar hurt of past and present rejections to get me down, I thank my God that He indeed is blessing me... all the time... that His hand has been upon me and my children all along and that He, like He has promised, will never leave me or forsake me...

as a little girl I would collect empty matchboxes and use them as coffins for the dead ladybugs I found and who obviously needed a proper burial... I made little crosses and put little flowers on their graves.. I would try and rescue mice from cats, and from our own dog... who pursued them relentlessly... taking them home, trying to nurse them back to health...

my coworkers at Hope for Life had a good chuckle upon hearing these stories this week and one of them came to the conclusion that even then I had a very tender heart towards the "less fortunate".... :)

truth is, the most wonderful thing happened, when He turned what someone had meant for evil into something good... He lead me to my mission field... He taught me to take my eyes of myself by bringing to me the "less fortunate".... for the last 3 years I have been blessed to try and make a difference in the lives of the women and children He in His sovereignty has allowed me to encounter..  by His grace and His power thankfully I am a bit more effective than way back when I tried to nurse the poor mice back to life... it is He who works out the healing, who gives the hope and who makes whole the brokenhearted...

so what I am single... so what there might never be a man who will love me enough not to abandon me at some point... Jesus Himself has loved me enough to give His life for me... to walk with me... to carry me... He is more than enough... so I take my eyes off myself... again by His strength..... and serve Him while I am waiting...

.. no more will anyone call me "Rejected".....

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,... actually I have it all planned out, I could print out an itinerary for you, but how would that help you mature and grow in your faith and trust in me...
plans to prosper you and not to harm you... now be aware that "prosper and not harm" might sometimes look a little different from what you think it would look like...
plans to give you a hope and a future...

a hope, that does not disappoint, because it is in the Lord... not in things, or other people...

the future... with Him... He will take us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom... again, not necessarily the "white picked fenced happiness you are looking for...

those light and momentary troubles.. and that's what they are... from an eternal perspective anyways and if you had my viewpoint and capabilities... remember, my thoughts are not yours and my ways are not yours... are achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

eternal glory... safely into His Heavenly Kingdom... walking with Him, a close relationship, someone who will not leave me or forsake me... someone who will never disappoint me...

so.. tempted to lose hope? tempted to take things into your own hands? tempted to help God along a bit with His plan?????
impatient? having a hard time trusting?
blessed, and yet... still struggling with loneliness and keeping your eyes focused on what is not seen? for what is not seen is eternal and what is seen is temporal...

yes, that's me.....  kids on a "family vacation" with the Dad... longing for a love for me.... how ungrateful of me..
blessed beyond belief I am still wanting more?

I am glad He will never love me more or less, than when He first saved me, lifted me out of the darkness and brought me into His marvellous light..

All the saints and angels bow before Your throne

All the elders cast their crowns before the Lamb of God and sing

You are worthy of it all, You are worthy of it all

For from You are all things, and to You are all things, You deserve the glory

Day and night, night and day, let incense arise

Day and night, night and day, let incense arise

Day and night, night and day, let incense arise

Day and night, night and day, let incense arise

You are worthy of it all, You are worthy of it all

For from You are all things, and to You are all things, You deserve the glory

the glory is all His... He owes me nothing, I owe Him everything..... 

This is my reality:

"I’ll get a brand-new name

straight from the mouth of God. I’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.

No more will anyone call me Rejected,"

Isaiah 62:2-4

the Message

..suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth...

... sitting at my desk this grey afternoon... having some time now to reflect ... it has been a busy week, and " work wise" the week will be over for me in 40 min...

my children, but one, and she leaves tomorrow, are away... my brother and sister and families are gone for the summer as well...
friends are on vacation, even my pastor is gone for the month of July...

just returned from one of the highlights of my life... I feel so very blessed..
a trip to Franklin, Tennessee to spend with wonderful friends from all over North America, enjoying amazing concerts, food and fun...
Worship times, devotions, skeet shooting and hot air ballon rides... sunshine, delving deep into the history of the battle of Franklin in 1864, antique shopping .... if I had to make a list of what would make me happy I couldn't have put it together any better.....

spending these few days in an area they call the "buckle of the Bible belt"... just what my soul needed..
when there is Christian music playing in a little boutique with the finest of clothes, antiques.. a prayer wall and the owners donate 10% of their profit to Christian charities a year.. when parking in the two parking garages of Downtown Franklin is FREE.. when those you pass by in the streets make eye contact with you and genuinely greet you and wish you a "great day y'all"... you know you are suspended somewhere between Heaven and Earth....

recording a few lines of background vocals for one of Michael W Smith's new songs on the new CD that will be released sometime next spring... John Elefante, former Kansas lead singer performing "Dust in the Wind" and some of his own Christian songs... more concerts, Brandon Heath being one of the song writers performing during the "Writer's Round" at the Open Air Concert by the lake and the willow tree at Deer Valley Farm......

leaving this little piece of heaven is hard for me every time I have to do it.....

so thankful to my Father in Heaven to allow me these kind of experiences..so undeserving I am, and yet He showers me with blessings...

sitting here, all alone, soon I will go home to my house... the last two days have been exhausting yet exhilarating.. serving my Jesus always is... I think I will just have to lay low and bask in the afterglow of this great little trip I just came back from...

#SoliDeoGloria

.. a place of undeserved privilege ....

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.  Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
(Romans 5:1-5)

it's good for me to feel the need to encourage others by texting them scriptures, because God uses it to encourage me too... how cool is that.. talk about God's Word never going out in vain ...

when praying this morning for some clients of the Living Hope Center with my beloved brother in this ministry I asked the Lord to sweep these people of their feet with His love washing over them like a huge wave....

facing trials helps us develop endurance... strengthening our character... strength to stick to the truth... strength to reject the lies... because I also have the hope that does not disappoint... because His spirit testifies to my spirit just how much He LOVES me...

read this a while ago and put it on a sticky note above my desk at work:

" your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth...." that's a truth flowing right from the scriptures... and I like it!!!

was about to feel alone this morning as I was cleaning up my kitchen.. but chose to have a little chat with my Jesus instead... learning to lean on Him no matter what life throws me... that's what it is all about..

because of the faith He gave me, because of what He has done for me, I now stand in this place of undeserved privilege, this relationship with the One who will never disappoint...

and this is why I can always say... it is well with my soul....

...what does your ark look like?????

way back when God told Noah specifically how to build this thing called an Ark...he must have been flabbergasted... he had no idea what this would be.. and why it was needed.. considering he didn't have the benefit of having this book, written by God, filled with stories of what God had done, full of promises and accounts of God's love and faithfulness... he didn't have the Holy Spirit / God living in him and he did not know Jesus, God's son personally.... and yet.. he chose to be obedient..

I am sure he was ridiculed and struggled with patience... he had no tools as in cranes and big electric saws to help him with the monstrous task.. and yet he persevered.. he did it.. he finished strong and he was blessed... he survived.. so did his family and all those animals he was supposed to rescue...

and then God rewarded his faithfulness by making another promise.. a new covenant.. 

how in the world was Noah able to do that... when, even though I do have a relationship with the Son of God... even though the Spirit lives in me, I have the Word.. all the stories of God's faithfulness and instruction, I have my own experiences and know all the testimonies of God's greatness of the people all around me.. I still struggle to be obedient.. faithfully???

Noah trusted.. Noah lived in reverent fear of God... somehow Noah knew God better than anyone in his time.. 

I want to be a modern day Noah... I want to take God's warnings seriously... I want to know God as well as it is possible... I want to be close enough to trust, wholeheartedly...

starting my day with thanksgiving... opens my eyes and I can see God at work in and around me.. as I see Him work out every little detail my trust grows... as I am basking in His presence, choose to draw close to Him my heart knows Him more and more, knows that He is indeed trustworthy and no matter what kind of patience, or sacrifice is needed in order to obey Him, it is easier the more I know Him...

the more I know Him the more I want to know Him... the more I want to know Him the more I walk with Him, the more I walk with Him, the more I trust Him, the more I will know His reward, the reward being His presence.. His closeness...

maybe this is what it means being a "Noah".... 

.. CANNOT wait... or maybe "I don't want to wait anymore"... ha

Please, only because you might have a man in your life don't think there isn't anything for you here... just bear with me ;)

"Don't take "finding" a man or a relationship into your own hands. Pairing you with His best for your life is EASY for Him. But because God understands TIMING, it's dangerous to step out on your OWN time and date a bunch of random people that... He never told you to go out with. You then experience ALL of this hurt, soul ties, drama, get a broken heart, and whatever else...all while Christ is sitting there and saying "I had nothing to do with these men. I will restore you and make you whole... but you have GOT to stop trying to control your life". God has NOT forgotten about you, have you forgotten to trust Him?" posted by Spiritually Single on fb

ok... so trying to figure this out..

God's will.. Discernment.. Trust.. Patience.. it doesn't have to be the elusive man in your life... it could be a solution to a difficult situation.. a decision to make about your future..someone suffering that you love.. it could be a heartache or trauma you are dealing with you so want to understand and find answers for....

ok... so, how are we to know God's will..

first of all: obviously it cannot be contrary to what His Word says.. that's a no brainer... ( to be sure about that we have to KNOW it ;)

secondly: we pray and ask for His will to be done.. for wisdom and guidance..

look at what others have done ( Christian Superheroes like Noah :)

then: WE WAIT..... AND TRUST... PATIENTLY...

sometimes though, we know that God will want some action from us.. sometimes we do have to make a decision... sometimes we just CANNOT ( or so we think... truth is we don't want to ) wait any longer... we want it to end, we want what we so long for..

is it wrong to take action? what if, in my situation, two people pray for guidance and still... at the end: not God's will.. ha.......

how do we know? what should we do or not do?

single situation again: what about Christian Dating sites? taking action... is it wrong?

I am getting the feeling that it... duh.. all comes back to what kind of a relationship we have with Christ..
is He our strength and joy? how close are we? the two of us?  do I rest in Him alone??? have I surrendered my thoughts in obedience to Him? which actually means not just once but choosing to do this over and over again... when the loneliness crowds in and Satan is having a good ole time...

do I run to Him.. when the solution I am waiting for is just not showing up.. when the mountain seems unsurmountable and the hurt just kills......  like a child that runs to her Mom or Dad, holding it together until she can let herself sink into the safe embrace.. the parent whispering..it will all be ok.........

so... I think that God has a plan.. knows the timing and for sure is more than capable of making it all happen... I think that all He wants from us to be "in sync" with Him at all times... I know that if I really rested in Him.. fully.. 100% I would not struggle late at night when I am by myself.. I know that then and there I have to choose to let myself fall into His arms.. and contentment and joy and peace will be mine even then... like the rest of the time :)

will she be able to beat the cancer? will there be more strife in the family ? more hurt? will my children be happy? will they serve God and love Him with all their hearts?? many questions.. God alone has the answers.. He doesn't give us a print out of His plans but I know they are to prosper and not to harm, they are to give me a hope and a future... and I know He is good.. He will never leave or forsake me or my girls... hmmmm... :)