restoration: a father daughter miracle

was just reading a blog post from 4 1/2 years ago yesterday..
I had written it to actively make myself take my eyes off what had just happened ( the fact that I was served papers regarding a law suit against me as a consequence of something my father had done in my name 25 years before )
and rather focus on Him, my perfect Father in Heaven.

during my now over 52 year long life I had indeed been shortchanged.
like many are.
by my father mostly, but by my mother too.

core needs not met.. things like safety, security, value, purpose, consistent love.. attention, knowing you matter... all those...

focusing on that even though we do live in a broken world, being brought up by broken people who were brought up by broken people, who were brought up by broken people.. my loving Father in Heaven was always and always will be, in total control of all this, His love had not only redeemed me but also was restoring me and all those broken places.. allowing me to forgive and let go of any blame directed at those that by His perfect design were my parents...

long story short..
I had the privilege to lead my mother, who passed away 2 months and 25 days ago, to Christ a little over 3 years ago.. allowing some sense of restoration and redemption of our relationship.. and, most of all the blessed assurance that I will see her again in heaven when my day comes..

as a consequence of this horrible loss, my father, struggling with Parkinson's himself, surrendered His life to the King of kings about 6 weeks ago ... God is AMAZING..

so,  3 days ago, thinking of my father I stumbled across some rather unknown feeling ..
it shocked me.. I had to listen in and focus... I realized  that I .. and here it comes... miss my father..

unbelievable to me.. so foreign.. I am not making this up.. this was the very first time I ever experienced this feeling at all......

being the most of the time absent and other than that critical and cruel father that he was, and even though I have forgiven him for all he has done to hurt everyone in my family, I just never missed him..

 after spending the 7 days right after my mother passed away together  and after the last 10 days I saw him, after long talks and hugs and prayers and scripture reading... after him hugging me that last night before we left and telling me he was so happy that all was good between us, and he was sorry it took him that long, when he said that too bad my mother couldn't see this... and we cried some more together...I am in awe to be able to see the Lord is now doing something miraculous..

as a biblical counsellor I know that God always asks us to forgive, ( because we have been forgiven ) He also wants us, as far as it depends on us, to pursue peace with everyone, but, a relationship is not always restored..

as much as I always prayed for this, I kind of did not at all expect this to happen.
so, as weird as this sounds, I lost my mother, and it still makes me cry out in pain, but, I gained a father... now that, that is something only my most wonderful Daddy in Heaven can come up with, leave it to Him to blow me away.. He does it over and over and over again...

I just love Him <3

anxiety and fear: a default reaction?

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

Psalm 13

posted this passage as part of a blog post 2 1/2 years ago.. 

 a door I had thought would open for me had just been shut right into my face a month before and I was discouraged..

the Lord did work some things out, showed me some stuff about myself and an idol I had erected, made me take it down and actively embrace my circumstances instead...

in the meantime the main reason I had had no sparkle in my eyes has been restored..

faithful like He is, my Father in Heaven has restored the years the locusts have eaten and I am blessed..

there is, even now, never a shortage of issues and difficulties and trials that have me struggle with anguish and sorrow in my heart..

trusting in His unfailing love a means of survival each day.

I have realized one thing.

the "once this is dealt with, I won't be anxious anymore" is one huge lie we tend to believe 

I am sure that fear and anxiety is just my "go to emotion", 

that it is something in me, that causes me to end up there over and over again

my circumstances, like anyone else's are always going to include difficult and sometimes heart wrenching things.

what will I do with them..

will my default reaction be to trust Him

or to be afraid ?

I can decide that.

having the Spirit of the living God in me, 

I can choose to fix my eyes on Him, the mountain mover rather than on the mountain, 

no matter how unsurmountable it seems..

the power that resurrected Christ is mine,

I do not have to allow the enemy to deceive me into feeling lost and powerless.

the Creator of the Universe is on my side

He is good to me

He rescues me

He unravels me with a melody

He splits the sea so I can walk right through it

His love has called my name.

I am His

What can man do to me?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate me from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour

Romans 8:38-39

not jealous.. no MWS Cruise for me

listening to a little tidbit from the MWS and Friends Cruise going on right now.. I am reminded of a lot of things...

I am thankful for technology. without it I could not be listening to Laura Story sharing part of her story and singing...

I am thankful for the fact that I have friends I love enough to miss them, they are on that cruise..

I am thankful that I have met them all on a cruise just like that..

I am thankful that during  the last 6 years I have been on 3 cruises like this..
time spent with like minded Christ Followers,  each time spending a week of praising our Father in Heaven, learning about Him

I am thankful that in all the trials and tribulations God teaches us so much more than just learning to trust Him

He teaches us how much He loves us..
He shows us how much He cares,
that He alone is in control and that what He has for us is the best..
even if we might not be able to see it so clearly at times..

a few months ago, when the time came to pay the balance for this trip I needed to make a decision.
my mother was slowly but very surely dying from cancer and the fact that she lived in Switzerland and I lived 6,000km ( 3,728.227 miles ) away on a different continent just made it so inexcusable to spend this kind of money on a trip so frivolous.. I needed to spend my money on going to see my mother and, I needed to be available at any given time to rush to her...

not even a month later the unimaginable, unbearable happened.. my mother passed away, expected yet horribly sudden, too late to get a few days with her while on this earth, we still had to rush over there to be with family and to honor her...

we had been praying for God to have mercy on her and God was merciful... He took her and spared her more suffering ... I am holding on to that when the waves of grief still overwhelm...

not being on that cruise this week still is a hard thing to do...

but again, I am thankful

thankful that I could instead have been tending to family for the last 10 days

thankful to be home with my husband who is such a pillar of strength for me

thankful that, as with my mother passing, there is now new opportunity to be transformed..

to be content in all circumstances.

to not be jealous but to rejoice with those that are rejoicing.

to take feelings and thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and to allow Him to change me

I wish I was there, but God had a different plan

His plans are not only to not harm me but to prosper me, to give me hope and a future, they are the very best, it's actually a no brainer.

we did not know the timing of it all.
He did.

time spent with my daughters who I am missing so and who miss me..
time spent with my father, who having lost his wife, bowed his knees before Christ just 4 weeks ago
time spent with other family members trying to help navigate new territory
reconnecting with friends who needed encouragement and who encouraged me.

so, long story short.
God never wastes one second of our lives.
He always is faithful to mold us and shape us,
to make us more like Himself..
often through taking away,
always through blessing us.

there is strength within the sorrow

there is beauty in our tears

and You meet us in our mourning

with a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You are sanctifying us

when beyond our understanding 

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood 

You're faithful forever

perfect in love

You are SOVEREIGN over us...

.. single and struggling with loneliness???? been there, but HE was there with me...

a few years ago, a little less than 5 to be exact.. during the first year of being "single" "left" "dismissed" and "discarded"... struggling with loneliness and rejection, this is what I wrote:

You whisper..

You want my attention

My undivided attention...

focus..

no distractions..

What were You saying??

"Wait"

Wait?

What do you mean?

"Wait"

But why??

"Wait"

But you don't understand..

"Wait"

But I need to know...

Why aren't You telling me..

"Just wait"

But I can't...

"With Me all things are possible"

But Why... why can't You just tell me?

"Trust Me

 Don't settle for second best..

I have something amazing planned for you"

But Lord... How?

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High 

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

But....

" I Satisfy you in the morning with my unfailing love, 

that you may sing for joy and be glad all your days.

Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you"

But Lord... I am lonely..

"For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is His name— 

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth."

You are?

 

" I am.. and I delight over you with singing

I love you with an everlasting love my child"

Thank You, Lord... 

I praise you

And I will wait on you..

and trust You forever more.

the struggle was real and I struggled and waited and struggled some more and waited some more.. and then, when the time was right ( apparently ) I met " the something amazing He had planned for me"... today I have been married to this man for almost 10 months.. not only has my relationship to my Father in Heaven become deeper and stronger throughout those years,  I am also blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined or even asked for. so ... if you are single.. lonely and tempted to settle for second best... DON'T...... He means it... JUST WAIT on Him.. <3

.. you split the sea so I could walk right through it...

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,                                                                               and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63: 5-8

"as your soul clings to me, as you are committed to do my will, I, your Lord, will uphold you with my right hand.. you don't have to be afraid, I will keep you that safe that you are going to sing for joy .. sheltered under the shadow of my wings you can find rest .. do not worry, I am helping you.."

a week ago, listening to Him, that's what I heard.. reading through this again and again I was especially encouraged by the "right hand" upholding me..

I knew that I had read this before, in other places and I decided to do a little study on it.

I found many places where the Lord uses this phrase to communicate that we can trust His power:

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,

and your right hand delivers me.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Psalm 138:7-8

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

Psalm 139:7-10

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

with His right hand He upholds us , that's the hand with which He brings destruction, this is His powerful hand, this is how He intervenes, makes things happen.. He is all powerful and strong, He who spoke the universe into existence gets hands on when it comes to His people, His children..

just a few days before He gave me this passage He brought a most amazing song to my attention as well..

no longer slaves.. amazing song.. the chorus is what sank into my heart..was what I needed to hear over and over again

You unravel me, with a melody

You surround me with a song

Of deliverance, from my enemies

Till all my fears are gone

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

From my mother's womb

You have chosen me

Love has called my name

I've been born again, into your family

Your blood flows through my veins

I am surrounded

By the arms of the Father

I am surrounded

By songs of deliverance

We've been liberated

From our bondage

We're the sons and the daughters

Let us sing our freedom

You split the sea

So I could walk right through it

My fears were drowned in perfect love

You rescued me

and I will stand and sing

I am a child of God

I am His child, He is gathering me under His wings, because that is a place where nothing can harm me.. I can surrender, I can open my hands and let go.. because He is not just some figure out there, far removed, who randomly gives and takes, this is my Abba Father,  He who surrounds me with His arms of love..my Daddy... and yes, He does take things away, too many it seems at times,

but I know I can trust Him.. He upholds me with His right hand..

He split the sea so I could walk right through it more than once..

I know it.

It's true.

Trust Him I will

You can too.

open hands... NEW BLOG... First post :)

there is intense percolating happening in my brain at any given moment, percolating that takes writing thoughts and ideas down in order to figure out what it is that He, the author and perfecter of my faith is trying to teach me, digging deeper and deeper into who He is and who, consequently, I am..

a daughter of God the Father, the King of kings, set into this time in “his story” to despite herself and all her shortcomings, bring glory to Him, I am to represent Him well and shine His light, so that others can be see Him and be encouraged..

He, who never will give up on me, and oh I am so thankful for that ( I would have given up on me a long time ago if I was the parent ) has been busy lately taking me on a new path, a deeper and more profound one and so I decided to abandon my blog of the last 3 years and start afresh…surrenderedobedience.com

“Forget the former things

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

many changes, good ones and not so good ones have driven me even more into the presence of my Abba Father, my Daddy, and He is, faithfully, taking off layer after layer .. allowing me to see more clearly what a life totally abandoned to Him looks like.

my hands had to be pried open a few times, realizing that when I hold to tightly to what I do not want to let go, if my fists stay closed, stubbornly, I also lose out on what blessings He is wanting me to receive..

so it has been a time of opening those fists, holding the things that are so dear to me losely, looking to Him and learning that what He has planned for me to receive is indeed worth losing what I have had and may have to let go..

so bear with me if you may, as I sometimes might be limping , other times maybe skipping along with my Saviour, Jesus, the Lover of my soul… He has me at the edge of my seat most of the time, there is never a dull moment with Him.. He is true to what He promised.. He has come to give life and give it to the full.. it never ceases to amaze me..

.. not staying in the pit.. no way....

" In Your name I come alive. To declare your victory. The resurrecting Kind is resurrecting me"

read this this morning and it was as if God summed up all He had been telling me over the last few days.

you see, on Sunday evening I faced, even though I had hoped and prayed and had others praying, one of the nightmares I so wanted to not have to go through..

and afterwards, this feeble, frightened little girl did what she always does... she fell... deep into the pit of fear and anxiety and even though she knows her Heavenly Father and that His plans are to prosper and not to harm and to give hope and a future.. even though she has seen Him take things that others or just circumstances have meant for evil and turn it around into something so good... she just fell right in..

good thing I was listening to some uplifting hymns already .. good thing I have quite a few scriptures addressing fear and trust and such memorized and good thing I can pray...  but I still remained... in the pit..

yesterday, Thursday, while driving I once again was asking God why it was that I had such a hard time believing that things will work out just fine.. and it dawned on me.. ( again.. duh ) I just don't expect anything to go well for me.. for others, for sure, but for me... not so much..

shocked that I am still doing this I asked God what I could do and why and all that.....
thinking it through and talking it through I was up again early pondering all that's hiding deep inside that frightened little feeble heart of mine..

 there is the void an absent and volatile, sometimes abusive father would have left... where there should have been security and love..
there are hopes that have been lost...
and there is such heartache on so many levels maybe that makes one easy prey for the evil one who just wants me in that pit... so I can't be out there glorifying my God..

ha... and that's what He said to me right there and then...
it's a choice.
I can stand on the truth that I know to be true.
because when it all comes down to the bottom line, this is what it is:

the power and mind of Jesus is mine.
the resurrected King is in me.
He is resurrecting me again and again, because when I am weak, He is strong.
He is glorified by me falling and Him lifting me out.. putting me back on my feet and giving me the strength to face my tomorrows.. no matter how scary they might be...

it's nothing new, but I needed to hear it.
He is blessing me in so many ways. and yes, the struggle is real, like one of my daughters is so fond of saying, it is real. and it is hard. but not too hard for my Jesus and I...

so, since it is all about Him and His glory.... He came through and resurrected me, lifted me up, gave me new life and new courage and new hope...

in His time He will make all things beautiful
and that's not just my hope, I know that for a fact.