I had written it to actively make myself take my eyes off what had just happened ( the fact that I was served papers regarding a law suit against me as a consequence of something my father had done in my name 25 years before )
and rather focus on Him, my perfect Father in Heaven.
during my now over 52 year long life I had indeed been shortchanged.
like many are.
by my father mostly, but by my mother too.
core needs not met.. things like safety, security, value, purpose, consistent love.. attention, knowing you matter... all those...
focusing on that even though we do live in a broken world, being brought up by broken people who were brought up by broken people, who were brought up by broken people.. my loving Father in Heaven was always and always will be, in total control of all this, His love had not only redeemed me but also was restoring me and all those broken places.. allowing me to forgive and let go of any blame directed at those that by His perfect design were my parents...
long story short..
I had the privilege to lead my mother, who passed away 2 months and 25 days ago, to Christ a little over 3 years ago.. allowing some sense of restoration and redemption of our relationship.. and, most of all the blessed assurance that I will see her again in heaven when my day comes..
as a consequence of this horrible loss, my father, struggling with Parkinson's himself, surrendered His life to the King of kings about 6 weeks ago ... God is AMAZING..
so, 3 days ago, thinking of my father I stumbled across some rather unknown feeling ..
it shocked me.. I had to listen in and focus... I realized that I .. and here it comes... miss my father..
unbelievable to me.. so foreign.. I am not making this up.. this was the very first time I ever experienced this feeling at all......
being the most of the time absent and other than that critical and cruel father that he was, and even though I have forgiven him for all he has done to hurt everyone in my family, I just never missed him..
after spending the 7 days right after my mother passed away together and after the last 10 days I saw him, after long talks and hugs and prayers and scripture reading... after him hugging me that last night before we left and telling me he was so happy that all was good between us, and he was sorry it took him that long, when he said that too bad my mother couldn't see this... and we cried some more together...I am in awe to be able to see the Lord is now doing something miraculous..
as a biblical counsellor I know that God always asks us to forgive, ( because we have been forgiven ) He also wants us, as far as it depends on us, to pursue peace with everyone, but, a relationship is not always restored..
as much as I always prayed for this, I kind of did not at all expect this to happen.
so, as weird as this sounds, I lost my mother, and it still makes me cry out in pain, but, I gained a father... now that, that is something only my most wonderful Daddy in Heaven can come up with, leave it to Him to blow me away.. He does it over and over and over again...
I just love Him <3
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