.. hopelessly devoted to You....

it's quite strange. met with my Ex-husband at the airport, we by chance ended up on the same flight going back to Toronto from Zuerich,  and he did what he would always do. check us in, make sure all worked out... what had bothered me so many years, his rather assertive way of dealing with others, does not bother me at all anymore.
 I can't get over  just how strange it is....here we are, doing something we did for 18 years.... which came to an end because he just didn't want anything to do with me anymore. married again, he is is living his life, pretty much the way we were all used to it, just without us, or I should say: without me.

spending time with my mother in St. Moritz, Switzerland, where we have so much history, talking about some hurtful things that have happened in the past between my mother and I, all the stuff that happened 3 years ago came up as well..... I guess that didn't help at all......
listening to a beautiful song we sang at Carnegie Hall, "All is well".... comforting, yet sad as well. I am wondering if He is calling me to serve Him and forget about a man to experience love with... because let's face it, so far this has proven rather difficult and complicated.
wondering if  the big work the Lord did just a few months before the collapse of our marriage has something to do with it.
I learned to love and appreciate my husband for who he was, for the potential he had and I loved him with the love God has for him..........
had hoped then that this would have been enough to rescue our marriage, but it was too late, he had already moved on..
fact is that whoever I have met so far has not been a real fit... I guess I am " too mature" to just go with it like I did 21 years ago,  figure the problems out later so to speak... I guess I am afraid of the outcome of that ..and I also am, thanks to what God has been doing, far too wise now..... ;)
maybe, maybe, my Father in Heaven has had His hand on me from a very young age for now to claim me  for Himself, and Him alone...
I marvel at how He is using me and I can't lie, it is a tremendous privilege to serve Him with all my heart, soul and mind...
and yet..... real, human love, affection, passion and delight.... could it be, that this is not for me anymore?
as a follower of Christ, devoted to Him who has chosen me before the beginning of time, who has suffered and died for my sins, so that I could be reconciled to Him and the Father, what could I say... to Him, if this was what He had for me???
I don't think there would be anything I could say but "Thank you Lord" and " Here I am, use me". He owes me nothing.. I owe Him everything!
my heart does long for someone to hold me, encourage me and cherish me. For someone for me to love and respect and honor, to come before our Father in Heaven together and to minister together, ......my head thinks it is impossible, far too complicated now... the chances to meet a man who is that "ultra orthodox " in his beliefs, around my age, was left by his wife or is widowed, and fits with who I am because of my background and my experiences.. serious but crazy, conservative and a little wild... committed to God's Word and passionately in love with Jesus Christ, the Word who became flesh....
maybe I should just stick with Him, because the truth is my heart always bursts with the love I have for Him, whenever I spend time with Him, think about Him, worship Him, read His Word or speak about Him....
who knows, maybe there is no more love left for a man.........

if I could just leave it and be fine with it..... so tired of wrestling with this.... :(

All is well, All is well,

Lift up your voice and sing

All is well, all is well

Born is our Christ and Saviour 

Let there be peace on Earth

Sing Hallelujah

All is well