so, here I am with a brand new hard drive, all covered by warranty, and even though I had backed up "important things" like docs and pics, there was a lot to re download, as in my iTunes library and my apps and stuff...
takes forever..
so here goes:
last night was a very lonely and somehow sad night.. weird how that happens.. sometimes I guess it is just like that..
today, church, as always, great, all around...
have been talking a lot to my one daughter about when she was a baby, how sick she was ... was thinking some more about this and remembered something else..
went to a therapist back then, because I had such a horrible time dealing with her on the verge of starving, since she couldn't digest anything but mare's milk, as in horse milk, which contains all you need but fat.. she gained a total of 4 lbs in 7 months.. it is true, she must have been the one that wore her newborn to 3 months outfits for the longest time... always dressed her in many layers, poor little thing....
anyways, remember the therapist was recommended by my husband's aunt, who was all into new age and all this, so was I at that time...
this therapist listened to me and after a few sessions she did what she was doing as her therapy.....
she sat behind me on the floor, close to me and put her arms around my midsection holding me very tightly... she told me to listen inside and tell her later what I felt while she was saying what she was going to say.......
this is what she said... ( in German of course :)
"Miriam, you are loved despite your weaknesses".... wow...... for one split second all my tension left me totally and I could relax.... the next thought was : "that can't be true"... ha.....
I had told her how I had been trying all of my life to live up to my parent's expectations and somehow try and get them to love me...
the idea that I was loved despite my weaknesses, not rejected and criticized for them, was too good to be true...
anyways, as I was thinking about that this week, I marvelled at how this is exactly the message that Jesus has for us... you are loved, weaknesses and all, blemishes and all, imperfections and all, past mistakes and hang ups and all..........
she meant well, this therapist... but she could not offer this to me... she was just one very nice woman, but it did not really mean anything that she said this to me...
3 years later I heard this same message preached to me from the Word in a little church, in a little town in Ontario Canada, and even though I had added a few more mistakes to my "slate" I was indeed loved despite my weaknesses...
the tension didn't leave me right away, this is more of a process, the people that make me feel inadequate are still around, but their voices get drowned out more and more the closer I come to the voice that calls me, persistently... the voice of the One who gave His life for me... " Miriam come to me, I love you, weaknesses and all".. I love Him forever and always...
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