in my many years of counselling women, mentoring and just sharing my faith journey... I don't know how many times I have listened to others telling me about the struggle to give up control, to surrender and let go... of hurts, through forgiveness , of specific issues or areas in their lives, through trusting God rather than being driven by fear...
the need to control is human nature... the realization it doesn't work, that it only makes us anxious, manipulative and is so in the way of living a life pleasing to God... is something we learn a little bit more each day as we are following Christ..
tonite, in my accountability group, when sharing that I was feeling hopeless, someone suggested I needed to surrender a desire I have. since nowhere in His Word God promises to grant this specific desire, I would always end up doubting God's goodness if I held on to this...
as much as I am aware of the fact that God does not owe me anything, that He is GOOD, no matter what my circumstances are, that He has only the best in mind for me and that this might look so much different from what I think it should look like.... I am shocked at my hesitation and unwillingness to surrender this...
now, when I said I have heard many share this with me before, I didn't mention that as much as I always have compassion and understanding for the things others are going through, I have to admit that it has boggled my mind at times, the fact that some have such a hard time "surrendering" when, let's face it, what do we have to surrender? God is in control, He always has been and He always will be... that's a biblical fact and a lot of my faith hinges on this... it is a good thing....
so, there I am. for the first time in my journey with my Lord I am struggling to open my stubborn little fist and let go of what is so important to me.....
holding on to the illusion that I have any control... I have NONE....
never have, never will....
so why?? why is it so difficult... why do I not want to acknowledge the fact that it is in God's hand and in His alone grant me a marriage to a godly man or not. that if He does not grant me this, it does not make Him bad or mean or uncaring, or loving me less... that if that is what He has it is indeed the best for me?????
I am very black and white and I cannot stay in a place like this... now that I was pointed towards where my problem lies, I have to do something about it. I will have to climb into my Daddy's arms and I have to get my head around that He allowed that the need I have, the legitimate need to have my love tank filled by my father, and later by my husband, that He has allowed for this need not to be filled by those whose job this was.... that He might never want me to have a human, flesh and blood man take on that role in my life and fulfill my need... and still believe that He loves me with this never-ending, everlasting, extravagant love... that this love is all I need and more... that this is a love that He has given me freely, willingly... that drove Him to the cross to die for me... how can I not believe that???
I will have to hold on tight to Him and stay there. I will have to allow Him to heal my grief and disappointment about this. I will have to let Him be the One to fill that need. in a way He never has before. and I will have to lay to rest this desire. that lie I believe that only when a man loves me this way I will be satisfied..... I will have to stay there until I know that I know that I know that He indeed satisfies my every longing... because I know this, and embrace it and want nothing to stand in the way of it either:
The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1: 15-17
He has created me, I am here for Him, to bring Him glory... and He is more than able to give me all that I need... He has given me a purpose and He has loved me. He has lifted me out of the darkness into His marvellous light.. I am His...
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