..a cold winter's chill in my stony heart....

it's a grey day, it's starting to snow... it's the middle of the first month of the year.. winter will be with us, me and my fellow crazy people that live here, for at least another 4 months or more....
still feeling yucky.. stomach flu not fully gone yet...
and so, in this rather gloomy state of mind, I am trying to figure some stuff out in my head...

on Sunday, the sermon about this passage I am now memorizing... the sermon was about prayer... how effective prayer needs to be strategic,  specific... consistent, filled with a hope that never ends... and there it got me.....

I have prayed, strategically, consistently prayed, prayed specifically, and then, what I prayed for came crashing down around me, and it was over.
that happened a few times.
oh I know that my hope is in Him... and not in the stuff I pray about..
but then, what I prayed for was even so strategically, biblically sound... it was so along with what God's will is... and still.... the freedom everyone has to make a choice, in this case a bad one, brought all my hope crashing down and it was no more.
no more need to pray. no more need to be consistent, strategic or specific. no more hope.

happened once. happened again. happens for example when one dies. when a marriage dies.
so. I know that God has plans. I know that He knows best. I know that He is in control. I know He owes me nothing. I know that He has already given me all...... like a father gives good gifts to his children , He who already gave His beloved and only Son for me... I have to have hope.
but. I have experienced it. the hope came crashing down. for good. not only once.

I so struggle with hope. I so fall into just not hoping. a defence mechanism from before I met Him...
so I pray. I pray strategically / biblically. I pray consistently. I pray specifically... oh and I have hope, for everyone but myself.
and as much as I know that this is wrong. I cannot reconcile this in my heart or in my mind for that matter... not today.

I know the hope I have is to spend eternity in Heaven. with Jesus. my Beloved. I know He loves me and will never leave or forsake me. but that's then. now. here. I am struggling. I am willing myself to take my eyes of my desires and look to those around me and focus my prayers on them. because for them. I have hope for the here and now. for them. not for myself.

Lost, everything is lost

And everything I've loved before is gone

Alone like the coming of the frost

And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?

Where You when all that I've dreamed?

Came crashing down in shambles around me

You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?

If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?

Alone, all my friends are asleep

And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?

Where were You when I was ashamed?

Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the cross, my God, my God, alone, alone

You were on the cross, You died for us, alone, alone

You were on the cross, victorious, alone, alone

You were there in all of my suffering

And You were there in doubt and in fear

I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

Matt Maher