emotionally exhausted, feeling like a truck has run over me a few times I have been praying and asking the Lord to reveal to me what it is He really wants.....
have spoken to two of my friends since yesterday morning... have had a few people commenting on my post from yesterday...
I love Him so much and all I ever want to do is to be obedient to Him... in His love for me over the last 19 years He has drawn me closer and closer and has healed many areas of my life..
whenever I talk to people about my faith I am reminded that had God in His sovereignty not saved me when He did I kind of doubt I would still be here...
I recall driving in the country side.. all by myself ( didn't happen often way back when... kids being small and all and no friends or family around since I had only come to Canada a few months before ) and sobbing, almost screaming because of the pain and desperation I was feeling.... troubled and wounded I was upset I could not even decide to end my life because I already had 2 of my kids...
that was before Jesus revealed Himself and overwhelmed me with His love for me... I have never lost the joy and the peace that entered my soul when the Holy Spirit entered me all that time ago..
He has healed many old wounds and as the new ones were being inflicted again and again He was and is always there for me..
I walk with Him closely and the intimacy we have is what has sustained me and enabled me to serve Him the way I do, joyfully and full of gratitude...
one thing is always the same: I do not want to walk out from under His umbrella of authority, protection and blessing....
I know where I was before He called me to Himself and nothing could be worth turning away from Him... this is why forgiveness became what I did best in the many years of my marriage... He has chiseled away on me.. again and again and it has been painful...
all along I have been inviting the refining, because isn't it in these times that we need Him so much more desperately and hold on to Him for dear life....
so... what is it He wants? I know, from my own counselling background that He in His mercy only takes off one layer at a time... that He also, because we are His children, will never give up on making us more like Him...
then there is the fact that when God created man He said Himself that it was not good... that something else was needed to make this creation good and He proceeded to make woman from man... and tada.. now it was good...
so... I know that Jesus meets all my needs, I know that He always has my best interest in mind... that He alone knows when what is good for me... I know He wants me to come to Him and that I only really crave intimacy with Him...
He also knows that like one friend put it so well, He is not surprised that I am struggling so.... and what I tell the women I counsel, that He knew about those sins I was going to commit ahead of time... that He will never love me less, or more... no matter how I mess up....
I need to be careful to not make "being in love / or in a relationship" an idol, because that is just plain against what God wants for me and from me...
truth is that today I am so much more content being on my own than I was a year ago for example...
I know that He never wastes any hurts in our lives and right now He is about chiseling some more iniquity off me.... the fire is hot and the pressure is high... it would be unbearable wasn't He right there with me..... it takes the heat for the impurities to come to the surface... skimming them off is painful... but then they are gone.. and that is a good thing...
this latest revelation drove one other very important point home as well..... not only did He tell me how much He loved me, when He saved me that Sunday morning in June 1994, He also let me see just how much I needed to be forgiven, how lost I really was, that without Him dying for me I would live eternally separated from Him.. screaming and wanting to end my life... never to be able to do so... eternally...
so, even if I do not quite understand what is going on right now, I know one thing.... God is for me... and He gave me the biggest gift already, when he chose me to receive the forgiveness of my sins...
tonite my " baby", my youngest daughter is coming home and I am glad to not be all alone anymore.
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