2 of them have been able to relate a little better because they too have had a longer time being single before getting married.....
they know how it feels to be the odd one out ( that's how it seems anyways) when all around you everyone engages in "happy couple / family activity".....
then just this morning, as I was praying and telling Jesus that I know He is all I need but somehow I DO NOT feel it at all.... so I have been crying A LOT yesterday.. something dawned on me..
there is a difference to where I, and a few of my friends are... in one way, we have it better, because we have children, we have been married and so, I am telling myself maybe that was it, after all, I had 2 chances...
then again... we do have it FAR worse, because.. in my case at least in the one regard... that "family" that once was mine as well, happens in some way or another again and again, just not with me.
and don't get me wrong, I am happy about that, on one very important, selfless level... I actually have done all I can to make it happen for my kids... for me, it leaves me and reminds me again and again that "my family" - minus me, still does wonderful things together, as nice or even nicer than when I was around, that family just does not include me..
and then.... I am single, as in there is no one who loves me on that "man loves woman" level, and I am not just longing for it because we were all made to ( let's not forget that when God had made man He said it was not good for man to be alone, so He took a piece OF the man and made woman.......... so sure it feels like one is incomplete..duh ) I am longing for it on a level that has so much to do, no matter how long ago it happened, with that I for some reason ( must have had to do with what Satan says to me ) was not important enough, loved enough to continue to invest, work on and stick to a PROMISE...
so.... I am whole, I am loved, all I need is Jesus... and I have Him... because He first loved me... and yet, even though I should just ignore my feelings ( duh, I am a highly emotional being and how am I supposed to do that when I am SOOOO SAD...) I can't seem to shake them... so I cry..... there...
last night, after my pastor spent some time encouraging me ( he used words like God is very picky for me, because I am a warrior for Him, tenaciously pursuing Him and those that are lost..ha )... I spent 2 and half hours with a cute and cuddly little baby girl, and it helped... God provides...
I love Him, more than I long for someone to love and love me, even if I can't feel it.... so I keep telling Him that... again and again, I am glad He does not get bored with me... wow
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