....lean back against you and breathe.. feel your heartbeat.....

so blessed to have been able to spent the last 3 days in a beautiful place.
somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. not that pretty or exciting and FREEZING cold.. yet. I know that I spent the last 3 days in a beautiful place.

out in the prairies. somewhere. a place permeated with the love of Christ. so tangible. so real.
beautiful because it's all about Him here. beautiful because of the sincerity of young hearts seeking after Him.

a special few days for me because by bringing me here He made me step out of my comfort zone and therefore draw near to Him more urgently.

speaking in front of students and faculty, sharing my brokenness. it had me nervous. and so I pleaded with Him. to fill me with the knowledge of His will, in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner WORTHY of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work...
my slides and my notes and all that I wanted to say. it frightened me. I didn't think I would be able to make sense of it. and so I pleaded.
no surprise. because of all the spiritual wisdom and the fact that through Him I can indeed do all things He calls me to do it flowed and it made sense. Hallelujah and all the glory be to Him for that.

beautiful. a beautiful place. beautiful young hearts, men and women. so blessed to get a glimpse of some of their love for the Lord. their passion. their struggles. real and authentic. so encouraging.

beautiful. beautiful because in His presence He, my Saviour, always is at work changing me.  He revealed something huge to me.
and so I am leaving here today changed. more aware of the reality of who I am in Christ. a sinner saved by grace.  overwhelmed by His love for me. His provision and grace, undeserved favour. His mercy. not being punished according to my sins, but rather loved, cared for, held close, every need met. my cup overflows...

praising Him. waiting expectantly what He will do next. what an amazing God we serve.
#SoliDeoGloria

.... carried by Your constant GRACE....

got some very saddening news today. a little boy with leukaemia we had been praying for over a year just relapsed. this time the cancer is more aggressive and chances for beating this are only 50 %.
read in the journal entry his mother posted that he was singing this song tonite... oh, he is 7 years old..

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we’ve come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You’ve done

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You’ve done

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 Matt Redman

all that comes to mind is this:

But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Luke 18:16-17

and then this:

Praise the Lord, my soul;

    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

 Praise the Lord, my soul,

    and forget not all his benefits—

 who forgives all your sins

    and heals all your diseases,

 who redeems your life from the pit

    and crowns you with love and compassion,

 who satisfies your desires with good things

    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Psalm 103: 1-5

Lifting up this little boy to the One who is always faithful.
Please pray with us...

... I can see YOU clearly now.....

... the idol off the pedestal I can see HIM clearly again....

scary to think that my view of Him could have been obstructed and I was not aware of that...
still drew close. still listened. still walked with him. still blessed. wow. how thankful am I for Him to shut the door. allow the hurt. allow the pain and the wondering and questioning. He knew what He was going to show me. He knew it was necessary because I could not see it otherwise.
so sorry for doubting His goodness for me.
so very very sorry for that.
amazed by His love and forgiveness.

blessings He has for me permeating my heart unhindered now.. amazing.
blessings that have been mine for a long time, I appreciated them too. cherished them, but in light of the one thing I didn't have it "all kind of was nice but...."

there was always that "but" because that one thing I thought alone could satisfy was missing..

ok. so now, that He, the Lover of my soul has removed this foolish idea, this lie, I am enjoying the love and attention to detail my "darling of heaven" showers me with.

so much love coming my way from the wonderful people God has put into my life..
my daughters. my siblings and parents. my friends.

the timing could not have been better. to do this one day before my birthday. no surprises here.
He does know what He is doing.

this is what my heart sings right now:

Lifting hands in song and dance 

Humbled by the glory of the cross 

We've been redeemed and reconciled 

Caught up in the splendor of it all 

Eternal life You gave 

So we will bring song of praise 

How wonderful 

How lovely is Your name 

You captivate our hearts 

You save us by Your grace 

God of mercy, God of love 

How we marvel at Your majesty 

As we kneel before Your holy throne 

In the beauty of Your mystery 

We are children of the King 

Father, of Your love we sing 

And You are 

Closer than a brother, Jesus 

Closer than a brother, Jesus 

Oh, the name of Jesus 

Oh, the name of Jesus 

Leeland

Thank you Jesus. I love you!

... taking the idol off the pedestal....

so this morning... I knew I had to let go of something very dear to me..
I was sad, I didn't want to... somehow I thought if I let go of this, I was saying Good bye to something that was mine.. ha. maybe even something I felt I had a right to get.
the lies we can be tangled up in... phew...

so this morning. as I was reading in the new passage for the week. this is what jumped out at me:

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

 Colossians 1:27

there it was.
He showed it to me.. as the truth was revealed to me, gently, because that is how my Heavenly Daddy does it, it all came together in my mind..

I had, informed by my past,  by unmet, legitimate needs and deep hurts, allowed the need to "be completed" by a man that would for once love me the way Jesus loves the church, to become my "All in All"

I had put it up on a pedestal. I had made it my idol.

I had been dismissing what He, the Saviour had done for me... casually I would say, yes, I know I have hope in Him, for the future with Him, for Him to never leave me, for me to be united with Him in Heaven.... all those wonderful AMAZING and HUGE truths I had allowed to be diminished.. to be made small, because something was more important to me in the here and now.....

so I repented... I asked Him to forgive me for this and I took it down, the idol.
He removed the lie, the lie that I would only be whole when in a godly relationship with this amazing godly man, in a marriage with this follower of Christ. the one that would love me and cherish me, who I could respect and love and encourage, who together with me would want to follow Christ and serve Him....

I am not just a half of something. I am not the dismissed, discarded part of a whole that no longer exists... and don't get me wrong, I know that. I know it and yet.. somehow I had it all wrong.

so I have surrendered. again. on a deeper level I hope. I have resolved to take this desire and longing off that pedestal and put my Jesus back on it.

will it be easy to stick with this? no. will I feel lonely and overwhelmed and sad at times? yes. maybe.
but I believe, and my Hope is that He, who is my All in All, will be there for me. in a new way. in a deeper way.

I know, He won't let me down. I know it. because He never does...

Christ in me. The Hope of glory.

Love so amazing!!!

.... opening my stubborn little fists and letting GO....

in my many years of counselling women, mentoring and just sharing my faith journey... I don't know how many times I have listened to others telling me about the struggle to give up control, to surrender and let go... of hurts, through forgiveness , of specific issues or areas in their lives, through trusting God rather than being driven by fear...
the need to control is human nature...  the realization it doesn't work, that it only makes us anxious, manipulative and is so in the way of living a life pleasing to God... is something we learn a little bit more each day as we are following Christ..

tonite, in my accountability group, when sharing that I was feeling hopeless, someone suggested I needed to surrender a desire I have. since nowhere in His Word God promises to grant this specific desire, I would always end up doubting God's goodness if I held on to this...

as much as I am aware of the fact that God does not owe me anything, that He is GOOD, no matter what my circumstances are, that He has only the best in mind for me and that this might look so much different from what I think it should look like.... I am shocked at my hesitation and unwillingness to surrender this...

now, when I said I have heard many share this with me before, I didn't mention that as much as I always have compassion and understanding for the things others are going through, I have to admit that it has boggled my mind at times, the fact that some have such a hard time "surrendering" when, let's face it, what do we have to surrender? God is in control, He always has been and He always will be... that's a biblical fact and a lot of my faith hinges on this... it is a good thing....

so, there I am. for the first time in my journey with my Lord I am struggling to open my stubborn little fist and let go of what is so important to me.....
holding on to the illusion that I have any control... I have NONE....
never have, never will....

so why?? why is it so difficult... why do I not want to acknowledge the fact that it is in God's hand and in His alone grant me a marriage to a godly man or not. that if He does not grant me this, it does not make Him bad or mean or uncaring, or loving me less... that if that is what He has it is indeed the best for me?????

I am very black and white and I cannot stay in a place like this... now that I was pointed towards where my problem lies, I have to do something about it. I will have to climb into my Daddy's arms and I have to get my head around that He allowed that the need I have, the legitimate need to  have my love tank filled by my father, and later by my husband, that He has allowed for this need not to be filled by those whose job this was.... that He might never want me to have a human, flesh and blood man take on that role in my life and fulfill my need... and still believe that He loves me with this never-ending, everlasting, extravagant love... that this love is all I need and more... that this is a love that He has given me freely, willingly... that drove Him to the cross to die for me... how can I not believe that???

I will have to hold on tight to Him and stay there. I will have to allow Him to heal my grief and disappointment about this. I will have to let Him be the One to fill that need. in a way He never has before. and I will have to lay to rest this desire. that lie I believe that only when a man loves me this way I will be satisfied..... I will have to stay there until I know that I know that I know that He indeed satisfies my every longing... because I know this, and embrace it and want nothing to stand in the way of it either:

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.  He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1: 15-17

He has created me, I am here for Him, to bring Him glory... and He is more than able to give me all that I need... He has given me a purpose and He has loved me. He has lifted me out of the darkness into His marvellous light.. I am His... 

..a cold winter's chill in my stony heart....

it's a grey day, it's starting to snow... it's the middle of the first month of the year.. winter will be with us, me and my fellow crazy people that live here, for at least another 4 months or more....
still feeling yucky.. stomach flu not fully gone yet...
and so, in this rather gloomy state of mind, I am trying to figure some stuff out in my head...

on Sunday, the sermon about this passage I am now memorizing... the sermon was about prayer... how effective prayer needs to be strategic,  specific... consistent, filled with a hope that never ends... and there it got me.....

I have prayed, strategically, consistently prayed, prayed specifically, and then, what I prayed for came crashing down around me, and it was over.
that happened a few times.
oh I know that my hope is in Him... and not in the stuff I pray about..
but then, what I prayed for was even so strategically, biblically sound... it was so along with what God's will is... and still.... the freedom everyone has to make a choice, in this case a bad one, brought all my hope crashing down and it was no more.
no more need to pray. no more need to be consistent, strategic or specific. no more hope.

happened once. happened again. happens for example when one dies. when a marriage dies.
so. I know that God has plans. I know that He knows best. I know that He is in control. I know He owes me nothing. I know that He has already given me all...... like a father gives good gifts to his children , He who already gave His beloved and only Son for me... I have to have hope.
but. I have experienced it. the hope came crashing down. for good. not only once.

I so struggle with hope. I so fall into just not hoping. a defence mechanism from before I met Him...
so I pray. I pray strategically / biblically. I pray consistently. I pray specifically... oh and I have hope, for everyone but myself.
and as much as I know that this is wrong. I cannot reconcile this in my heart or in my mind for that matter... not today.

I know the hope I have is to spend eternity in Heaven. with Jesus. my Beloved. I know He loves me and will never leave or forsake me. but that's then. now. here. I am struggling. I am willing myself to take my eyes of my desires and look to those around me and focus my prayers on them. because for them. I have hope for the here and now. for them. not for myself.

Lost, everything is lost

And everything I've loved before is gone

Alone like the coming of the frost

And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?

Where You when all that I've dreamed?

Came crashing down in shambles around me

You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?

If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?

Alone, all my friends are asleep

And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?

Where were You when I was ashamed?

Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the cross, my God, my God, alone, alone

You were on the cross, You died for us, alone, alone

You were on the cross, victorious, alone, alone

You were there in all of my suffering

And You were there in doubt and in fear

I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

Matt Maher

..we gotta let the light shine...

this is a picture of the first lighthouse I laid eyes on... the lighthouse in Nordwijk on Zee, Holland....

since then, and really in the last 2 years or so I have become very intrigued and interested in lighthouses... I LOVE them, I want to go see them, I want to take pictures of them, I  follow many people on instagram and Facebook that post pictures of my beloved lighthouses...there is nothing quite as pretty I think anyways... ok... so, listening to this song this morning, I was once again reminded why they fascinate me so.....

Every secret, every shame 

Every fear, every pain 

Live inside the dark 

But that's not who we are 

We are children of the day 

So wake up sleeper, lift your head 

We were meant for more than this 

Fight the shadows conquer death 

Make the most of the time we have left 

We are the light of the world 

We are the city on a hill 

We are the light of the world 

We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine 

We are called to the spread the news 

Tell the world the simple truth 

Jesus came to save, there's freedom in His Name 

So let it all break through 

We are the light of the world 

We are the city on a hill 

We are the light of the world 

We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine 

as Christians we are the light, the Light is in us, Jesus, who came to shine His light into the darkness, the One who, when we were still in the darkness, lifted us up into His marvellous light.. He is in us, and no matter how broken and even discouraged and struggling we are .... WE GOTTA LET THE LIGHT SHINE....







in "light" of this , I am now memorizing this prayer from Colossians 1...  may you be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding,  so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.  May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy,  giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

because I need the reminder, I need the power He has for me, I need His endurance and patience and most of all His JOY... so that others can see the light shine... I, we all, need to be the beacon on the hill, the light that shines in the darkness...

so by His grace, let's be the light that shines....

... what's good & what is broken happens just the way you plan...

new fav song.. :) really, really like it... it's from Kari Jobe... beautiful voice.. amazing song....

speaking to my heart, for where I am, but also where my heart is for what I know others are going through...  asking Him sometimes what this is all about, and why it has to be so messy sometimes..

truth is, He could have stepped in and come along time ago... and yet... there we are, and pain is a part of us.. 

Wish it could be easy

Why is life so messy?

Why is pain a part of us?

There are days I feel like

Nothing ever goes right

Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

'Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart 

I'm not gonna worry

I know that You've got me

Right inside the palm of your hand

Each and every moment

What's good and what gets broken

Happens just the way You plan

You are here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

'Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart 

And I will run to You

And find refuge in Your arms

And I will sing to You

'Cause of everything You are...

I'm not gonna worry

I know that you've got me

Right inside the palm of your hand

what's good and what gets broken.. happens just the way He plans.. trusting that and that He has our back... that's what matters in the end...

when I was pregnant with my oldest I had a nightmare one night, I dreamt I had forgotten to feed her and she died... horrible fears of a first time mother... this is what the Bible says:

Can a woman forget her nursing child,

    that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?

Even these may forget,

    yet I will not forget you.

 Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...

#SoliDeoGloria

..His mighty and glorious power is MINE...

it's sunny today...
it's freezing cold...
it's nice to be able to look out, and not have to be outside..
I am blessed to be in a warm house,
and, because we have power, you  can just turn the heat up a bit and it get's warmer.. ( a new appreciation of that too now )
I am blessed to already have had contact with 5 people today,
people with whom I could share the comfort my Lord Jesus  brings..
what a day...
blessed to have received beautiful donations today,
blessed to have handed out some things already,
blessed not to feel too sick, just a little...
blessed to be able to boil water and have a Cold Remedy tea and creamy honey,
even more blessed to have booked two little getaways for this year.. just a few days each time,
so blessed to be able to do that...
such beautiful places, meaningful to me ...

and all this, in the light of this morning, and what the Lover of my soul had for me..

may you be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding,  so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.  may you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy,  giving thanks to the Father....

Colossians 1:9-12

this is my prayer for myself, and for everyone I love and care about...

so done with the grieving the loss of a possibility and a dream, of the companionship of someone I thought was special.. facing the Son, thanking Him for His infinite wisdom, encouraged by His Word I go...

.. restore the sparkle to my eye.....

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

Psalm 13

read this yesterday and once again Your Word, Your wonderful Word, alive and sharp as a double edged sword, has been at work in my heart....

went grocery shopping yesterday, and even though the freezing cold assaulted me on the way from the car into the store, seeing little people talk to their moms while shopping for food brought delight to my heart..

speaking with my mother, who You watched over and helped the doctors with her care, oh Lord... speaking with her once again filled my heart with love and compassion.. clinging to You for her.. who else do I have in Heaven but you..

frost quakes and a winter as horrific as they come just 13 days into it .. and yet, the Son is shining..

thanking You for closing doors, for Your plans, that are faultless and informed by Your endless mercy and love. I know it. 

this is true:

Your eternal word, O Lord,

    stands firm in heaven.

 Your faithfulness extends to every generation,

    as enduring as the earth you created.

 Your regulations remain TRUE to this day,

    for everything serves your plans.

 If your instructions hadn’t sustained me with joy,

    I would have died in my misery.

 I will never forget your commandments,

    for by them you give me life.

 I am yours; rescue me!

   

Psalm 119: 89 - 94

You have restored the sparkle to my eyes... by Your Word you give me life.. Your Word sustains me with Joy... and because I am yours, I know you rescue me.... 

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

Jeremiah 31: 25

AMEN

..thank you for the miserable and the ugly???

new year, new hopes, so many tweeting and posting and going on and on about this is going to be the best year......
great.
listening inside..  to be honest, I am not feeling it.
I am looking back and for the first time in my life I am wondering if this year might even be worse than the last one.
I am not someone to blame anyone for what is going on.
but then again, I am tired of it and it seems that there have been just a few too many things that have turned out badly, too many things that could have just not happened and as you can tell, right now I am not in a good place.
years ago, a very mature and well respected lady at my church, in a leadership position at the time shared with me, that when you are that "well respected", and kind of under the microscope because of that, certain things are expected and she felt it was easy to fall into the trap of feeling you cannot be authentic about where you really are.
now everyone who knows me knows I am open, and I do never pretend to be okay when I am not.
what people have seen me do,  no matter what happens is that I choose to go to the scriptures and stand on the truth, even if I don't feel it.
right now. I can show you a lot of scriptures that talk about suffering and that it is normal.
I can show you scriptures that we like to take and anchor our hope on... when, if we are looking at the historical context... well, the hope was VERY FAR in the future, as in not in the lifetime of the one who wrote it or the ones that were told it..
yup. so. as I was cleaning my house yesterday and gave it a good "Year End Thorough Cleaning" I was thinking this: what we expect from our lives, living in this day and age, is pretty unrealistic.
yes. no one ever promised the white picked fenced happiness we so love in movies.... maybe to live a life that brings glory to God is about how we take the bad.
so I thought it would be good to praise and thank God for the bad. the mean. the outright unfair and miserable.
have been  thanking Him for all He gives me, the good, no matter how small all along and will always do that. but I really think I have to take it a step further.
I have been doing it today, as I am thinking about all the bad news I have received.. I am receiving, the disappointments, that are so hard to get over. I am thanking Him because obviously He alone knows what this all means.
all the hopes that were not granted. all the stuff that is not good.
I want an attitude change. I don't want to be defeated and without hope.
I need to rejoice that in the bad and the ugly here, the One that is going to take me safely to His heavenly Kingdom, is always there, controlling the situation.
and that is the truth. and I know that.
So "Happy New Year"... the blessing that is available for all of us always is that we can know Him as closely as we want. as we need. because He, He is always right there with us. and for some unexplainable, mind boggling reason, He loves us.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. 

James 4:8