married a month minus a day... He is growing us, TOGETHER...

praying this morning with my husband, giving the Lord all that is on our minds and hearts, all our anxious thoughts about family members and things that need to fall into place..

immigration, moving, health insurance, finances and all that kind of stuff..

it was good to just have read this passage in the Word:

The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many warriors with you. If I let all of you fight the Midianites, the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength"

Judges 7:2

the truth is the army of the Midianites were 135,000 soldiers and Gideon had 32,000...

so he had too many???????????

in the end the Lord made Gideon sent all but 300 men home.. and they won the battle..

all so they wouldn't be able to boast that they had done it themselves..

I guess human nature is human nature is human nature.... then and now... we are all the same.. it's pride..

and He, our Daddy in Heaven is fully aware of this...

so it made us think...

this is why things don't really "fall into place" until all of our own efforts have been exhausted...

this is why so often we just don't have any control over things.. so that we will not boast in ourselves but only in Him..

this is why through both my husband's and my marriage breakups He basically removed all that would have given us security, security apart from the Lord that is..

I remember after a rather hurtful exchange with my mother a few months after my husband left me, I had felt that not only did I not have a husband ( and the security that gave me ) anymore but also, apparently I really didn't have a mother ( and she had given me a lot of security emotionally all throughout my life ) 

I remember praying that night and telling my Jesus that if He needed to strip me of all, He should just go ahead.. I wanted to rely only on Him...

so in this new stage of my life, in our life, He, as always is true to His Word, He is not giving up on bringing to perfection the work He started in us.. making us rely on Him in so many different ways..

so that we could not boast in ourselves but only in what Christ has done in us.. and for us...

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

1 Corinthians 4:7

struggling with this at times it was good to have heard about some things He is doing in the life of a "very much loved one" right now.. how He is answering my fervent prayers for her and how He, once again is going above and beyond all I could ever have asked for or imagined..

remembering His faithfulness we are going ahead and are deciding to trust and not be afraid , because He has become our salvation, He, the Lord Himself is our strength and our defence, He IS OUR SALVATION...

good that this is settled :)

... 4 weeks and living my vows...

4 weeks and counting :)

3 days until our 1 month  anniversary.. so amazing.. so very blessed.
been able to spend the last few days with my husband and I am so thankful for that.

was supposed to be spending my weekend with a group of friends the Lord gave to me during the 5 hardest years of my life..

was supposed to be spending the weekend retreating, seeking the Lord, worshipping Him and reconnecting with those treasured friends..

I am so thankful for what God did a little over 5 years ago when I, still raw with pain caused by the horrific break up of my marriage, packed my bags, travelled to Seattle to embark on a Cruise with "Michael W Smith and Friends"..

I knew no one... and to be honest, the night before getting on the ship, in the privacy of my hotel room in Seattle, I questioned my state of mind when booking this trip... how crazy was I..

truth is, my Daddy in Heaven had orchestrated it all and by me doing something that crazy He blessed me with amazing times all by myself in my cabin, on my knees praying and encountering Him in a way like never before.. He blessed me by giving me a whole new family... fellow believers.. with a similar crazy streak... passionate worshippers of the Lord .. loving those worship concerts and devotions as much as I did..

the events put on by Michael W Smith and the amazing people that work for Him became the highlights of my years .. counting down the sleeps to each one of them starting as early as a year and a half before... often times looking forward to them seemed to be the only positive thing I had going...

so in October of last year, I was, as always, one of the first ones booking my room for this retreat... I had met my now husband but we most definitely were not quite where we would have booked a trip together for almost a year later...

in the meantime, thanks to how God had planned it all along, we got married and as much as I thought I could do it all, I had to come to the place were I had to make a decision..

was I going to do, what I had just vowed to my husband in front of God and all those that were with us on our Wedding day... to put him and his needs before mine.. to make him a priority and honor and respect him in all that I do ?

well, obviously, there was no real question about this once I realized that this was what it was all about..

seeing all the many pictures of this, I am sure so wonderful weekend away, was kind of hard, just because I have been part of this for quite some time now..

being together with my husband, spending a weekend enjoying "us"... taking care of some things for our life together... attending a church that might become "our church home" and, last night, going to see the movie "90 minutes in heaven".... PRICELESS

we are booked for the next Michael W Smith and Friends event... both of us... and.. that's in 291 days, 19 hours, 24 minutes and 30 seconds.. :)

thanks to God.. there are MANY things to look forward to before !!!

..ALMOST crashing.. and a bike in Holland..

such a whirlwind of activity and huge changes in the last 4 weeks..

getting married,
caring for aging loved ones,
tying up lose ends,
moving children across the ocean,
and finally getting back to where very soon my new life will start, for a little bit at least.

marveling at all God is doing, blessings so beyond anything I could have ever asked for or even imagined
and then. today. I almost came crashing down.
exhausted. dealing with a cold. realizing how much I will miss my kids, friends, my ministry and all that is familiar to me...

I almost did.

just "almost" because of what He, my Father has been teaching me to do in moments like these..

• don't go with your feelings

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

• go back the Word. stand on the truth. remember all the Lord has done for you.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:1-3

instead of listening to all kind of discouraging thoughts and feelings, I chose to go to my reading for today..

this is what jumped out:

My heart is confident in you, O God;

    no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!

I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.

    I will sing your praises among the nations.

 For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.

    Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Psalm 108 : 1, 3-4

so here is my response :

I thank you Lord and praise you

for your unfailing and unending love and care

for your mercy, new every morning

for your grace, undeserved favour for me, a sinner

for my husband

for my children

for my friends

for your attention to detail ( working out all to perfection )

for your protection and provision ( no plane crashes, means to do all this )

for your healing power ( no vertigo, no headaches when traveling)

for your people ( friends connecting us to believers wherever we go )

for your church ( Holy Trinity Brompton, London England )

for your favour for my children ( Bekkie's room, roommate, new friends; a place to live, schooling, a bike for Laura, she is in Holland after all :) 

for your faithfulness in the past 

for your direction and guidance

I give you the future,

it is in your hands.

I might not know what it will look like,

but I know you.

through hardships in the past you have taught me to trust

seeking you I know I will find you

drawing near to you I know you will draw near to me

you are moving me on

and I would lie to say it doesn't make me sad

it hurts

but

I know there is a purpose

I know you will continue to use me

I know that you are faithful

I will stand on that.

I will cling to you and let you have your way

surrendering

it seems to be something one has to do daily

it's all about you

your glory

your will be done

in my life as it is is heaven.

there.. that's it.

ruins and extravagant love.

another week has gone by. and a day.
in the meantime I have travelled a bit.
first to the Netherlands to visit one of my daughters studying there for a semester, her last year of law school.
I hate the travel in itself, no sleep, long waiting times, trains cancelled, delayed, 18 hours later, with about an hour sleep during what kind of was the night, this body of mine was about to give out.
I love the reason for the travel. my child. seeing her there. spending lots of time talking, walking and more talking.
the Goodbye. tearful. in our future a longer than usual period apart.

travel again, more cancelled / non existent trains.. the reason for it, I loved. my youngest. meeting her in her new place of living. starting school in England.

lots of walking. and talking. and figuring out and setting up. then. another Goodbye. this little spunky one is the last of my children to leave the nest.

I know I will miss her much. I know I will pray even more for her now that she is so far away.

read a great devotion this morning from James MacDonald.. because we are loved by our Father in Heaven He will never stop to put us through trials.. His love is a perfecting love. even the most healthiest changes that bring a sense of loss and sadness He uses to teach us.

learning to trust Him while walking through all these times of refining. praying much and seeing prayers answered. priceless.

He is good. He is extravagant. He is trustworthy and never changing. His love knows no end.

the contrast so stark. the world. it's dark. but His love. it shines. the light that illuminates the darkness cannot be hidden.
the peace always right there. His power unshakeable. mighty He is.
not openly. but still mocked and ridiculed. for His sake? it's worth it always.

at the airport again, more travel, more stress on this old body of mine. returning to more issues. and lots to do.
in His sovereignty He allows them. the issues. or even orchestrates them exactly the way they are.
a father and a mother. their health failing all at the same time.
ruins. rubble. left over from a life lived in the darkness. destruction seems inevitable.

let the ruins come to life

in the beauty of your name

rising up from the ashes 

God forever you reign

and their souls will find refuge 

in the shadow of your wings..

with Him, all is possible, nothing is impossible.. reality is who He is.. not what circumstances are.

peace. reconciliation. love flowing freely. it's possible.

so trusting and praying and hoping and waiting. on Him. and His plan.

expectantly waiting for it to unfold. 

walking through the desert fixing our eyes on Him, the mountain mover and not the mountain. no matter how high.

coming home tomorrow I will go to the dentist ( I SO HATE the dentist ) and then embark on a 5-6 hour drive to finally, at least for a little while,  be reunited with the man I married 3 weeks and 1 day ago. together we will pray and trust and wait. do what we can and rest in Him.

I am blessed.

it's been two weeks ( and taking down an idol )

it's been two weeks.
I have been married to the man of my dreams for 2 weeks.
grocery shopping a few days ago someone called me by my new last name.
took me a second to realize they were calling me.
ha.
it takes a moment to sink in.
the culmination of what God had been planning all along.
what a blessing to be on the other side.
I was trying to hold on to hope for many years.  sometimes I had a hard time believing there was any.
realized that I had to let go of it. trusting Him that He would always be enough.
and He was. He always is. but, because He is this extravagant Daddy, He wanted to shower us with His amazing blessings anyways. blows my mind and makes my heart sing.

it's been a stressful week. so much to do. so many changes. and then somehow the peace eluded me. missing my brand new husband, trying to be the daughter I need to be. trying to be the mother I want to be. trying to take care of my ministry and prepare for handing it over ... I was stressed. sleep was nowhere to be found and in those wee morning hours fear gripped my heart.
my child. moving to another continent to go to school. letting here go pretty scary. my parents. the situation there as chaotic as ever. sickness having it's way. so hard to watch. my move. my immigration. leaving my children, my hometown of almost 23 years, my church family, basically everyone I love ( minus this amazing husband of mine )

just too much.

this morning at church though. worshipping Him, there was this thought.. first it was just a small whisper.
"cannot let all this worry steal the joy. He is bigger. He is always faithful"
and then. the sermon. talking about peace. no surprises here. it's always relevant to me personally.and  not just me. all of us.
and there it hit me. between me and the peace my beloved Daddy usually has for me was this idol. I had put it up. unknowingly. makes sense now.
the need to be the perfect mother. somehow always feeling I had to be the saviour. the protector. making sure they were fine. being everything and all to them, doing it on my own. feeling the love and the responsibility. somehow something very good and healthy became something that took over. something that somehow totally depended on me.

still always praying, always hoping for God to be the One looking after them and protecting  them somehow I did not trust Him for it. somehow it became something that separated me from Him. that idol that was standing in the way of me fully surrendering to Him. it stood between me and the peace

came home and repented and renounced and gave it all to Him.
and now. I am excited for my youngest daughter and thankful for how she has changed and matured over the last 2 1/2 months. I know I can trust Him for her. I know that I don't have to feel guilty for what the Lord has blessed me with. a new life. that takes me far away from where our home has been all along.
it's His plan. and it is perfect. like all the plans He has for us. those plans are always to prosper. never to harm. there is always a future and always a hope.
tears again during worship time. but my little daughter. she was the one putting her arms around me. and then. when she took me to the airport and I shared what the Lord had been showing me she said this: "but Mama, you are the perfect mother"
it doesn't get much better than this.
all praise and glory to Him. so thankful.

.. rising up from the ashes .. embarking on the journey together..

oh what a wonderful thing again this morning, to be in my church.. my favourite place to be..
wondering where we will find our new home, a church that will be our church.. not his, not mine..  a new place, new people, I know that it will take a very long time to feel like it felt again today..

so at home, so comfortable, so safe, so loved and so blessed..

worshipping Him with arms high and heart abandoned today, tears were flowing down my face..
just so very thankful for where He has had me for the last  17 1/2 years..

I am trying hard not to be too sad about losing my church family.. I just love them all so much..
trusting Him like He has taught me throughout my long journey with Him, I know that He has it all figured out.. ( but still, why change something that is SO GOOD )

because of who my Jesus is, because of what He has done in both our lives, the ruins have come to life in the beauty of His name, we are rising up from the ashes and I am thankful for the fact that I have someone who is so worth saying Goodbye for...
so I will fix my eyes on Him.. because, in the end, that's what it all comes down to..

it's all about Him, always, totally.. the here and now.. it will all fade away..

it was fitting to sing this song today as well:

Grace, what have You done?

Murdered for me on that cross

Accused in absence of wrong

My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all

I know that Your love breaks my fall

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?

Your power is as dead as my sin

The cross has taught me to live

And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come

I know that Your strength is enough

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

And it's all, because of You, Jesus

It's all, because of You, Jesus

It's all, because of Your love

And my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

He has done this for us.. we are His,  I know that He has a plan... a plan to prosper us and to harm us, a plan to give us a future and a hope.. to give us a purpose and direction..

it's all because of you Jesus... 

I give all I have just to know you Jesus.. 

you are FOREVER the hope in my heart...

...it's crunch time... overwhelmed, He carries me...

lately it's been so in my face again, I have been thinking about it a lot... that really, I cannot even imagine where I would be and how I would cope if I didn't have my faith, my relationship with Christ, my hope that is in Him, His strength when I am overwhelmed and weak ( which seems to be most of the time) His wisdom and guidance when I am at a loss, the security He gives me when things are scary and how He just plain calms me when I am an emotional wreck...

how are people doing that?
or am I just an especially weak basket case?

truth is, I am thankful for how He put me together..
I know exactly how much I need Him and that I COULD NOT do it on my own..
it's what it is.. and it's a good thing!

it's a little over a week until I am getting married and preparing for this ( all the organizing, juggling  all the emotions that are coming up in all of us involved) preparing to send my baby off to school in England, and another daughter to the Netherlands ( just for a semester ) .. moving, immigrating, wrapping up my responsibilities here, assuring my loved ones that I am not going to disappear but be there for them consistently, parents and their needs and whereabouts, old and not resolved, scary issues, health problems and all that... ok.. I am overwhelmed..

I am an emotional person and I am crying sometimes.. a lot more lately.. tears of joy and tears of sadness, but most of the time I am just feeling so thankful that He is all that for me..

my fortress
my refuge
my rock
my Daddy
my friend
my brother
the lover of my soul
my confidante
my Redeemer
my Saviour
my God
my All in All
my healer
my eternity
my reward
my Maker
my counsellor
my Peace
my Joy
my Strength

wow.
how are people living without Him?
and how can I not share who He is with those around me....

I love Him,
because He first loved me.
and as much I cannot fathom why in the world He would,
I am thankful and will forever serve Him.
I am His.

His attention to detail in working out my life, that blessed path that He has been having me on, blows me away, every second of every day..
and that's just who He is.. my most amazing, most powerful, unchangeable, faithful, loving, merciful and HOLY GOD...

#SoliDeoGloria