on May 17, 1996, the man I had been living with for almost 4 years already and I, got married.
on December 18, 2009 I received an email that officially ended this relationship...the year leading up to this event probably was the worst year in my life...
since then, May 17, which happens to be my Mother's Birthday as well, has been a day of remembering, feeling the pain, fading as it has been, yet highlighted... obviously.
this year, the fact that my Mother, turning 73, who suffers from cancer, was able to travel and celebrate her birthday with us, and the transformation in my heart just over the last 2 weeks or so, had me totally forget it was my "not anymore Anniversary" too...
reminded by my Ex husband, who reached out to me in a way he never has before, open, considerate and kind, I believe this has now been another step in the healing process, a process my Jesus has been committed to from the beginning....
more committed than even I have been... just a few weeks ago I found myself in another of those pits.. self pity party brought on by legitimate feelings.. "family events" without me, difficulties because of singleness and just plain loneliness.. how fitting it was I found out about the fact that I have not trusted God in regards to be good... ALL THE TIME.... as in, to me, in regards to the losses and hurts in my life...
as I was letting His Word sink into my heart again a few days ago, He reminded me... He reminded me that He had not been surprised when my then husband walked away, totally dismissing his commitment to me and my children... that in reality it was something He, God, did for my best, their best... as much as I was not able to see whatever could be good about breaking up a marriage that even though it had been a struggle all along, was still a covenant made before God, and therefore should never be broken...
I had seen myself dealing with the fall out of something contrary to God's will, as written in His Word, and it was hard. too hard at times.. painful, horribly painful....so all I could be ok with was God, even though He didn't want this, was now making the best out of the horrific situation ....
it dawned on me:
in a way I had put my God in a little box.... and then, because apparently He really couldn't do much, I ended up not quite trusting Him to give me the desires of my heart...
fact remains: He is sovereign, in total control... I believe that... but, I guess I couldn't allow "knowing" to reach my heart because that would have meant to start processing that the pain I had suffered.. was God's good for me.... ??? :O
the amount of times I have counselled others that way... like I said, I believe it... His best is what makes me more like Him, grows me up in my faith and allows me to know Him more... more closely, more intimately...
well, I guess it will take some time for me to fully process this, so please forgive me if this has been confusing..
in the mean time, like I shared a week ago, I am asking Him to grow my faith in Him always giving me His best.. the desires of my heart but most of all, His, my Father in Heaven's desires for me.... trusting Him for answering this prayer with a YES... because it is what He has wanted from me all along... that I would TRUST Him... because He indeed is GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!!
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