..my hope is in you all day long.....

I am not sure anymore how long ago it was, I was still married that was before I even found out that my husband was cheating on me, I had shared with a very close friend that I felt utterly hopeless in re. to my marriage..
I told her that I was full of hope for everything else, believed very much that God was more than capable to do anything He would ever want to do, but I just had no hope for my marriage to work any better.. I had prayed for so many years, studied the scriptures, went to counselling, alone and together, tried to change whatever it was about me, that needed changing.. as good as I could I guess..

amazing friend that she is she sent me a letter later that day sharing with me a study of the word hope in the scriptures..

 struggling with hopelessness  / fear again, in regards to a future relationship it dawned on me...

I had followed the insight and practical steps I gleaned from that study of hope in the scriptures... I memorized scriptures, meditated on God's faithfulness in my life..God then did marvellous things in  me, changed my heart and taught me how to love His way.. and yet.. in the end there was no hope for my marriage after all..

I learned that my hope is in Christ, not in what my wishes and dreams are .. my ideas and hopes that are dependent on someone else..
when it was obvious there was no hope anymore for my marriage to continue, despite my willingness to forgive and try again, I experienced first hand what it means if your hope solely is in Christ.. like when someone has died of cancer and that's it.. you can't hope for healing anymore.. it is over... when you fall into the pit of a hurt that is so overwhelming it seems you are drowning in it..
and wow, did Jesus come through for me... so it was true, putting my hope in Him I was rewarded with a closeness and a delight in Him like never before.. wonderful, priceless...

and yet.. what dawned on me, is, that what I had hoped for, for our marriage to survive for the sake of my children and myself and my husband.. did not come true..
so is it surprising I am fearful?
I know that my hope is in Him, and that He will never let me down... but, I am a human being and I so long to love again and to be cherished and valued for once by a man of flesh and blood... to be able to spend meaningful time together, serving God.. praying together and praising and worshipping God...

okay, I know,  I am ungrateful... have I not been given everything anyone could ever ask for.. is it wrong to long for love  and struggle with loneliness? is it wrong to wish for someone to be there for me when dealing with the hard stuff?
am I serving Him while I am waiting? yes I am...  so God.. have mercy on me... please???

clinging to those....but rather to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. ( 1 Timothy 6:17 )
God is not unjust, He will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped His people and continue to help them.  ( Hebrews 6:10 )