.. a tenacious warrior pursuing Christ and the Lost???????

so, the last few days I have been sharing with a few key people how sad I really am.....
2 of them have been able to relate a little better because they too have had a longer time being single before getting married.....
they know how it feels to be the odd one out ( that's how it seems anyways) when all around you everyone engages in "happy couple / family activity".....

then just this morning, as I was praying and telling Jesus that I know He is all I need but somehow I DO NOT feel it at all.... so I have been crying A LOT yesterday.. something dawned on me..

there is a difference to where I, and a few of my friends are... in one way, we have it better, because we have children, we have been married and so, I am telling myself maybe that was it, after all, I had 2 chances...
then again... we do have it FAR worse, because.. in my case at least in the one regard... that "family" that once was mine as well, happens in some way or another again and again, just not with me.
and don't get me wrong, I am happy about that, on one very important, selfless level... I actually have done all I can to make it happen for my kids... for me, it leaves me and reminds me again and again that  "my family" - minus me, still does wonderful things together, as nice or even nicer than when I was around, that family just does not include me..

and then.... I am single, as in there is no one who loves me on that  "man loves woman" level, and I am not just longing for it because we were all made to ( let's not forget that when God had made man He said it was not good for man to be alone, so He took a piece OF the man and made woman.......... so sure it feels like one is incomplete..duh ) I am longing for it on a level that has so much to do, no matter how long ago it happened, with that I for some reason ( must have had to do with what Satan says to me )  was not important enough, loved enough to continue to invest, work on and stick to a PROMISE...

so.... I am whole, I am loved, all I need is Jesus... and I have Him... because He first loved me... and yet, even though I should just ignore my feelings ( duh, I am a highly emotional being and how am I supposed to do that when I am SOOOO SAD...)  I can't seem to shake them... so I cry..... there...

last night, after my pastor spent some time encouraging me ( he used words like God is very picky for me, because I am a warrior for Him, tenaciously pursuing Him and those that are lost..ha )...  I spent 2 and half hours with a cute and cuddly little baby girl, and it helped... God provides...
I love Him, more than I long for someone to love and love me, even if I can't feel it.... so I keep telling Him that... again and again, I am glad He does not get bored with me... wow

without Christ: a hopeless end...with Him: endless HOPE

Rick Warren lost his son a few weeks ago. He committed suicide. He was mentally ill. He was a born again Christian...

wow.. this poor man and his wife are dealing not "only" with the loss of a child, which I can't even try to fathom how horrific that would be ( every parent's greatest fear ) but as a pastor and a person in the limelight, two more issues that are very controversial, have made grieving for them an even more painful ordeal...

the man continues to tweet and it is an honor to follow him on twitter:

• WHY I TWEET “God comforts us in our troubles so that when others are troubled, we can give them God's comfort too” 2Cor 1:4

• When haters wrote on Matt's death Psalm 18:18 helped:“They attacked me at the moment I was weakest,but the Lord upheld me!"

• Without the grace of Jesus: a hopeless end. With the grace of Jesus: an endless hope.

• The world’s winners are often losers in what matters most. (Both now and #forever in eternity) See 1 Sam. 16:7
• Part of living a purpose driven life is ignoring what doesn't really matter.

• You can't learn God is ALL you need in ALL circumstance unless you go through all kinds of circumstances.

• On the Cross,Jesus bore not only all our sins, but also all our questions,when he cried out in agony "My God, my God, WHY?

• In Crisis? Release your grief.Receive help from others.Refuse to become bitter.Refocus on what matters most.Rely on Christ!

• Even if it's rejected or not returned, #love is never wasted.

... God is ALL I need in ALL circumstances... wow.. I know, I believe that.. how Rick Warren must struggle and yet he chooses to hold on to what he knows is true.
how does he know that? he knows the WORD of GOD... who helps him? the SPIRIT of God...

my dear daughter just rented  an apartment and will move out over the next few weeks... it was to happen and it is a good thing. going to Law School in September she will bury herself in her books, and I will have to book time to see her. I admire her self discipline and determination. I am proud of her, I am happy for her.... but I am grieving too..... after 22 and half years this "not so little anymore" bird is going to leave the nest, for, I am pretty sure, what will be forever..

finally a nice Spring day yesterday and I finished my "yard cleanup" so far... went and exchanged my empty propane tank (for my BBQ) for a full one ... got groceries and even went to the LCBO, where us Canadians have to get our "alcohol"... got a bottle of red wine and some summery mixed drinks I like... still, after almost 3 and a half years of being on my own I cannot get my head around, or should I say my heart around myself being out there, on a weekend, when couples are out doing their thing, and finding myself walking into the LCBO... like taking care of my car..... something in my mind and experience is what "a man does".... highlighting the fact I don't "have" one in my life...

oh well. big huge trouble not as averted as I thought, feeling alone, my mother, so far away, suffering from her sickness and the cruelty one person continues to inflict on her, I have been praying, a lot....

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken

Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim

With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom

Forgive me for my unbelief

Renew the fire again

Lord have mercy

Christ have mercy

Lord have mercy on me

I have built an altar where I worship things of men

I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You

Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing

Pardon my transgressions

Help me love You again

Lord have mercy

Christ have mercy

Lord have mercy on me

I have longed to know You and Your tender mercies

Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end

I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence

Your grace forever shining

Like a beacon in the night

Lord have mercy

Christ have mercy

Lord have mercy on me

( by Michael W Smith)

praying for Rick Warren and his family... thanking God for this man who in the midst of his great loss encourages others, like me...

FRESH OFF THE PRESS: Twitter that is:
My great comfort in pain isn't in knowing that God will someday use it for good, but that RIGHT NOW HE SUFFERING WITH ME.

AMEN

.....the "just not meant to be" moments.... God will restore....

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

2 Corinthians 13:11

meeting with a sweet lady this morning and this is what I was able to tell her.... God is all about restoration... reconciliation, making whole what has been broken, damaged and tarnished..

when boundaries have been overstepped or practically trampled down, when safety was lost and a path taken that continued to lead to more and more heartache... all those times when the "it's not meant to be that way" moments have happened... God can and wants to step into each one of those..

He has come to bind up the broken-hearted.. He has come to bring peace amidst the dire circumstances,

with Him we can have joy... and no one will be able to take it away... ever......

How amazing to be able to communicate such hope.... the tremendous privilege to walk the road of restoration and healing with a New Believer... 

God is indeed GOOD... 

since God has called me to step out of my safe little bubble a few years ago I have encountered people whose lives seem so hopeless and dysfunctional.. bringing all of us at Hope for Life to our knees, praying and pleading with God to step in and help, because we feel we have NOTHING to offer...

then again, we have all to offer... we have Jesus... and that's what we have been doing...

God, who is FAITHFUL by definition, is coming through for those He has led to us... obviously He has had a plan from the beginning...

to be part of it is the most wonderful thing... allowing Him, as He transforms us, to be transformational, to be used in His plan to push back the gates of hell.... pretty cool!!!!!

... when will Spring come???????????????

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.  Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  

Galatians 6: 7-9

some other version I was reading, the New Living translation called it a "Harvest of Blessings" I shall reap when not giving up.....

today, cold, snow on the ground :O  unreal and just a little too much for this girl that struggles with "not giving up" when the pain that I have been feeling for so long still lingers and seems to find new ways to manifest itself again and again...

... the joy that is coming... well, I guess I am more a glass half empty person most of the time.. so, I believe this scripture to be true but I have this inkling this might not be until I finally will get to see Him face to face... and I know that this joy will be "out of this world".....

so, if the joy and the "reaping a harvest of blessings " won't come in this world.... the hanging on and doing what is right can get a little difficult at times... when it is cold and freezing and snow on the ground on April 20th.. this one just wants to hide and give up.... go for the "pleasure of the flesh" and that would be so easy... throw out the window the convictions / restrictions of a soul sold out to Christ, sold out to living life to honor Him... 

was prompted to give up my "go to pleasures" as in chocolate and Coca Cola a week ago and rather go to Him, who I really crave... all great, but I guess adding to this, "whatever, just forget about it, look at all those that live just to please themselves... looks enticing..." might contribute now to the temptation to give up even more........

well, I won't, give up that is, He won't let me... He loves me too much... I love Him too much... and trusting I shall... that the pain I am feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming......

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18

We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground

The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown

Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone

And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now

But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming, Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming, Spring is coming

It won't be long now, it's just about here

Hear the birds start to sing

Feel the life in the breeze

Watch the ice melt away

The kids are coming out to play

Feel the sun on your skin

Growing strong and warm again

Watch the ground: there's something moving

Something is breaking through

New life is breaking through

Spring is coming, Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming, Spring is coming

And it won't be long now, it's just about here

 (Spring is coming by Steven Curtis Chapman)

..every tear I cried.. you hold in your hand...

where to begin...

today, the sun is shining and it is going to get a little warmer they say...
yesterday, great church service, my newest "convert" at church again, thank you Lord!
my time with the Lord this morning... comfortable like my cuddly, soft blankie, quiet and reassuring..
no HUGE challenge, just a smile and embrace.. communion of the souls.... oh to know Him like this..

Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”

    Let your face smile on us, Lord.

 You have given me greater joy

    than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.

 In peace I will lie down and sleep,

    for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

Psalm 4: 6-8

interesting how this time, when the newest struggle brought me to a screeching halt as it's enormity and reality hit me, my Lord brought me peace and solution that only he could have orchestrated..

a man in my life, a friend, spoke with God given authority, calm and matter of fact... took the wind right out of the sails of the enemy, who would have wanted me to be afraid and get stuck in the despair..

I sought godly counsel, I shared my need with friends, they lifted me up to my Lord.. and, their it was..

PEACE.... the solution, orchestrated by HIM, a few years ago already, unbeknownst to me.. just me trusting Him then and following His lead, today, a way out.. because He keeps me safe....... 

realizing, on a new and refined level, that all we need is to trust and obey, at all times.. 

then He, who purchased, will protect and provide... and I will praise....

 I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

( Casting Crowns )

He, who calms the storm, has this blessing, for all of us... not things, or white picked fence lives... but PEACE.. and closeness, wherever we are, whatever we face, whatever the outcome even...

He never leaves our side... and those that are His, He will bring safely to His Heavenly Kingdom..

AMEN

.. taking pleasure in hardships and persecutions????... ( hmmm.. better not )

So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

okay... so, challenged by this weeks passage, I have been asking my Lord... Paul, because God did not want him to be proud and conceited, since he had been taken up to some place in heaven and seen amazing things he couldn't and wouldn't share... he chose "to take pleasure" in his weaknesses because they would keep him from boasting in this tremendous blessing..

and Christ... He knew His purpose when He chose to fix His eyes on the joy before Him, when He willingly went to the cross.. He knew, first of all, that He did this to save us, and also, being God and all, He knew the outcome ( the resurrection) already...

you can tell I am in a yucky place when the question I have for my Lord is... how am I supposed to "take pleasure" in my weaknesses and sufferings, my persecutions and hardships.......

when, I have not seen what it was that Paul saw... I am not God and know the timing and the outcome...

sometimes I resent that I know the answers to all those questions... I know that the purpose for me here is to glorify Him, that I have been saved and have seen and experienced things that are "out of this world" because I am a child of God.... I know the ultimate outcome.. I am going to be spending eternity in heaven... ja, ja, ja, ja.....  but, I don't know the how and the when... and right now I am not taking pleasure in facing stuff and being alone, lonely and left behind... 

ja, ja, ja, I also know I am not alone... and yet I am. so there.

then, this morning , when feeling sorry for myself and looking through old pictures it hit me... I screwed it all up... I could have been a different person, after all, didn't I have Christ in me, beside me, before me and behind me... gosh.. how come I was still so stuck... how come I couldn't be that gracious, always loving, never resenting, always forgiving person, fully depending on my Jesus, who, let's face it was, and still is all I need...

and look at me now. I still am not able to get it together... humbling to say the least...

so where does that leave me??? no idea.

fact is.. I know what I know.. my purpose and my hope and my destination..

so.. in my weakness I shall be counting on the Power of Christ  to work through me... hmmmmm

....Praising Him in the Storm...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

what a fabulously mighty God we serve.. His will cannot be thwarted, He is the One who put the stars into place, He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End....

In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

Isaiah 63:9

He is both, the Almighty God, and the caring Abba Father... my Daddy... when I feel sorry for myself in all this turmoil He gently holds me close and tells me He understands...  He dries my tears and fills my heart with HOPE...

we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

so I am going to go soon, find out more, and with His help deal with what it all will mean.......

Praising Him in the storm !!!

...the peace in a war breaking out against me....

the peace that passes all understanding .....

hmmmmm.... until I experienced this phenomena for the first time I didn't really know what that meant...

it was many years ago... probably about 7 or 8 years... when one night after my oldest daughter had a huge fight with her Dad and left in the middle of the night...

what a shock for me to find the note on her bed the next morning.....

talk about NO PEACE.... fear gripped me... a steel band around my stomach and my heart....

remember talking and praying with my counsellor and close friend, the next day when we were about to meet with her.... 

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4: 4-7

so I did, I gave all my requests, with Thanksgiving, to God... and there it was... the peace that transcends all understanding... things were worked out eventually and our daughter came back home..

this last week, as my dear pastor put it today,  a bomb hit me and my life.... something that is happening to me without anything I ever had to do with it... all I can do, is forgive the perpetrator and accept the consequences that are for sure going to come from this... first, there was fear, anxiety... but then, He did it again, the peace came... 

sharing this with a client today she too wanted this peace.. so she prayed, she asked God into her heart and there is rejoicing in heaven.....

God is good, and all that happens to me has been filtered through His loving hands... I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me .... I know that this is true:

I will proclaim the name of the Lord.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

He is the Rock, his works are perfect,

and all his ways are just.

A faithful God who does no wrong,

upright and just is he.

Deuteronomy 32: 3+4

tomorrow is another pivotal moment in this latest ordeal..... whatever the outcome of this will be, I know that my God has my back....

The Lord is my light and my salvation—

    whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

    of whom shall I be afraid?

 When the wicked advance against me

    to devour me,

it is my enemies and my foes

    who will stumble and fall.

 Though an army besiege me,

    my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

    even then I will be confident.

 One thing I ask from the Lord,

    this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

    all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the Lord

    and to seek him in his temple.

 For in the day of trouble

    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent

    and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27: 1-5