.. closed doors, transformation and A Fib... All Praises to God our King!!!

this was posted on Facebook yesterday... just when I was once again feeling sad about something that hadn't worked out like I had hoped.. 

a timely reminder...

yesterday morning, church, an amazing service once again, so blessed to be reminded what worshipping my Saviour is all about... how His glory is so amazing, that He is the Creator of the Universe, the Sovereign God and Almighty King of Kings, how He encounters me, meets me in my deepest, darkest struggles... and how He transforms me and allows me to take my eyes off my own disappointments, my own issues and my own sadness.. how it is not about me, but about Him.. how leaving after a time of celebration and personal encounter on a Sunday, together with my church family, I am not the same anymore... each time He will have transformed me a little bit more, made me more others- minded than concerned with my own desires and wishes...  amazing time of closeness with Him who gave Himself for me... different than my time alone with Him in His Word each morning, yet as important... 

at home after church, exhausted from all that's going on, a nap was in order... then, more bad news.. found out my mother had been taken to the hospital, A Fib once again, no fun..  to be so far away doesn't help...  she chose to come home after a few hours of being hooked up to all kinds of machines and receiving an IV to calm down her heart rate... seeing a Cardiologist hopefully tomorrow..

reminded again that this life is but a vapour, that as important as every little detail in it seems to us in the end it is only a short little while... a time to prepare us for meeting our God face to face, a time to learn to love Him.. a time to look beyond ourselves and by walking with Him bringing glory to Him!!!!!

in a little while we all will be meeting Him, my consolation is that my mother now knows Him, that when that moment comes for her she will be received into His arms of love.... 

praying and asking my fellow believers to pray with me that this moment is far away still, I find peace that whatever He will do, all is well with her soul... that when He closes this ultimate door here, another one will open and sickness and heartache and tears will not even be a memory for her anymore....

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

AMEN

.. to those who grieve.. a BABY has come...

The people who walked in darkness

    have seen a great light;

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,

    on them has light shone.

was wondering as I read this this morning... I have been walking in His light, in this great light that came into the world for almost 20 years... and yet, right now, and over and over again even during these 20 years, there has been darkness in my life... 

For to us a child is born,

    to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

    and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

 Of the increase of his government and of peace

    there will be no end,

on the throne of David and over his kingdom,

    to establish it and to uphold it

with justice and with righteousness

    from this time forth and forevermore.

The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.

saddened by my life's circumstances, again, I was feeling that darkness, and I was wondering... how does this give me hope, because walking in this hope, I still encounter the darkness.. again and again..

been a counsellor long enough to "know" all the right answers to this... and yet, my heart, right now, is struggling .... so as I dwelled and challenged and questioned... and struggled... because I HAVE this hope, I came to this conclusion... thank you LORD... even though right now I feel like I am walking in darkness.... reality is I am not... the ETERNAL darkness in my life was lifted, the light entered, for eternity that Sunday in June 1994.... that is my reality... the brokenness of this world will affect me for my time left on this earth... in this life... the tears are flowing, and they are real, the pain, it is real, the disappointment, it is real... but... because the BABY HAS COME.... the baby that chose to enter into this world, humble, born to a virgin, to ultimately deal with sin once and for all for all who would believe in Him.. He came... and He chose to meet me... to open my eyes so I could receive the gift He had for me.... and that is how my darkness today, as real as it seems and is, still can't drown out the TRUTH...

The kings of this world

Have torn it apart

But we can take heart

A baby will come

To the hungry and meek

To those who grieve

To the broken, in need

A baby will come

We have known pain

We’ve felt death’s sting

God, help us believe

This baby will come

The angel appeared

Said do not fear

For peace is here

A baby has come

The advent of life

Let hope arise

We’ve our King and our Christ

The Baby has come

We’ve waited so long

God, for Your mighty arm

May our doubts ever calm

For the Baby has come

The proud will be low

The humble will know

They’re valued and loved

For the Baby has come

Cause the kings of this world

Won’t have the last word

That, God, is Yours

For the Baby has come

AMEN!

so I am choosing to thank Him, for coming, for humbling Himself, even unto death, death on the cross, so that even today, I know for certain I am valued and loved and there will be NO MORE TEARS in heaven.... oh how I love you Lord, and though none might go with me, I will follow.... 

...the reason for the hope I have.....

there are some people in my life, that don't quite understand why I would share things about myself that are sad and difficult, things I am not proud of, things that are embarrassing, things that most people would probably choose to hide....

was interviewed yesterday for a video to be shown to my church family and to all of the many people of the community that will come out to our Christmas Eve services.....

so about 1500-1800 people will hear about two incidents in my life that I wish would have never happened...

when this beloved someone told me today she didn't quite understand why I would share this, the first thing that came to mind was that if it could help someone in a similar circumstance, how could I not tell people...

another reason for it is that I do not feel the need to hide things from people... for many years already the fact that God the Father loves me and accepts me for who I am, that He even sent His Son to die for those sins of mine, has freed me from the need to hide and pretend... "if you do not like me or want to judge me, go right ahead" is my motto, I don't really care :)

but, as I was thinking more about why I would share the bad and the ugly, this is what I figured out:

if I have something that shows what a wonderful Saviour and friend and God I have in Jesus, how He has come to my rescue and has carried me through tough times, then I am going to shout it from the rooftops... I actually do not think of myself at all but of Him, a reason to brag about Him, to praise Him and give Him the glory... I am not going to pass that up.......

so for example, just over the last 2 weeks, I have been hanging onto His legs like a little toddler who just won't let go, again, .. for sheer survival... because you see... I have lost something, something that looked and felt so good, something I thought would turn into something really amazing... and I am sad, and upset, and just plain lost..... if I did not have my Jesus, who is right there when I wake up in the morning, when I feel like I rather not get up, who is the last one I talk to before I go to sleep... I am not sure how well I would be doing right now......

so, how can I not tell about all the good things He has done for me... is doing for me.... how could a fear of what others might think of me keep me from telling how wonderful He is... how much I love Him ... for me it is a no brainer!!! it really is......

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:15

.... flee from all this....

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 

1 Timothy 6: 11-12

called to flee from the lure of materialism, basically this worldly, carnal life, Timothy is charged to pursue other "things" instead...

when mediating and sinking deeply into this passage over the last week I took a closer look at what those "other things" are...

righteousness: The quality or state of being righteous; holiness; purity; uprightness; rectitude.  Righteousness, as used in Scripture and theology, in which it chiefly occurs, is nearly equivalent to holiness, comprehending holy principles and affections of heart, and conformity of life to the divine law.

godliness:  Careful observance of, or conformity to, the laws of God; the state or quality of being godly; piety. Godliness is profitable unto all things. 

faith: The belief in the historic truthfulness of the Scripture narrative, and the supernatural origin of its teachings, sometimes called historical and speculative faith.  The belief in the facts and truth of the Scriptures, with a practical love of them; especially, that confiding and affectionate belief in the person and work of Christ, which affects the character and life, and makes a man a true Christian, -- called a practical, evangelical, or saving faith.

love: A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preëminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters

gentleness: The quality or state of being gentle, well-born, mild, benevolent, docile, etc.; gentility; softness of manners, disposition, etc.; mildness.

as Paul charged Timothy so we are too challenged today to focus on these things rather than anything this world would make us long for.

thinking about it and asking the Lord to work out His will regarding these things in my life has helped me take my eyes off myself in a healthy way.

I know He calls me to live like this and I am also sure that He is the One enabling me to do it.

I know that there will be no harm done to anyone when this is my focus and that there will be great gain instead. for this life and the life to come.

sharing His love, while pursuing Him and His way of life, being changed into His likeness more and more all the glory will be given to the One who was born that night in Bethlehem.. in a stable, in humble conditions, He came to save us from sin.. to redeem us and to walk with us .. to give us life eternal with Him.... 

Praise be to Him ALONE!!!

...make straight the paths that crooked lie....

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me

They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave you

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave

I never leave your hands

( JJ Heller "Hands")

was told today that I already have the faith to trust. the faith to make it through any kind of difficulty. the faith God gave me to believe that Jesus had saved me when He died on the cross. that this is all I need right now.

was told that those around me see how much I trust God. for my kids. for my parents. for all the difficulty and brokenness in my life and all around me. 

was told I just fall back in old patterns and believe lies I know are not true. when stuff gets hard..

was told I should not diminish what the Lord has been doing in my life already.

praying this morning that I want to live like this. want to rest and trust and wait and rejoice and not worry or be afraid. that I just don't know how to do this other than how I already do it. dwell on Him. His Word. pray and thank Him. reflect on who He is and what He has done for me in the past. Let His hands hold me. 

so what else do I need to do? how does that look? and again. I am told to trust and let go. 

Come, and rest here

Come, and lay your burdens down

Come, and rest here

There is refuge for you now

You'll find his peace

You'll know you're not alone anymore

He is here

You'll find his healing

You're heart isn't shattered anymore

He is Here

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will, You will find him here

I will rest in you

I will rest in you

( Kari Jobe, "Here")

..His hands to wipe away the tears..

blessed this morning by those the Lord has placed in my life.

thankful for His sovereignty and love that is beyond all I could ever imagine.

blessing me with sweet friends that, for some reason I do not quite understand, love me so much..

proving the lie to be a lie that I am not important, that no one cares and that I am alone facing what life throws at me.

I am not. alone. I am important. loved. cherished. appreciated, respected and even admired. really?

I am wrong to assume that everything in regards to my life will be hard, that my desires will never be fulfilled. that I am to be this martyr for God. 

accepting suffering as part of what He uses to grow us up, yes.
the high calling of rejoicing in Him always, no matter the circumstances, yes.

teaching me to rely on Him and that only He satisfies.. yes.
and yet. I have been conditioned by abuse and neglect to think that this is all there is.

need to repent of this, this is not the God I know. 

yes, despite of what others have done to me, despite my own sinfulness and all it's consequences, God is good. and He has plans to prosper. 

He is the reason I can have a hope that does not disappoint.
He gives good things to His children. He blesses. because He wants to.
He chooses to shower me with His love, according to His pleasure and will.
He delights, rejoices and even sings over me.
this is how He loves.
this is who He is.
He is not the stern task master that expects. criticizes and rebukes.
He is the loving father who accepts, who cherishes and wants to give me all.
more than what I need or can even imagine. 

not only will He not walk away. ever.
He will be there and pursue a deep meaningful relationship.
He blesses by giving me relationships that encourage and lift up.
that hug and touch and wipe away tears.

blessed today by a family that God has made me a part of.
blessed today by the ones that care and love and stand by me.

without Him I would not have any of this at all.
so. obviously He is the blessing.

but He chooses others, friends to be his hands and feet and his smile and his hug.

and for that. today. I am extremely thankful.

Christ above me

Christ beside me

Christ within me,

ever guiding

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ my love, my life,

my Lord

Praise be to Him forever!

.. no more tears...

so the spots are cancer after all... my mother, 73 years of age, who just recently told me she will not do Chemo, has decided to go with it again, and that even though she really suffered the last time...

my father, 75, is in pain because he just had a stent put into his heart,  after triple bypass surgery 12 years ago, some of the arteries were all clogged up again..

living 6000 km apart, and not being able to be there for them, not an easy thing...

heartache everywhere, brokenness, disease and just plain sadness..

cold outside and so very dark so very early... how is one not to fall into a depression pit?

then again...

it could be a lot worse.. I don't have to look far to see others struggling with so much more...
thankfulness is supposed to counteract sadness..

so here it goes:

I am thankful for my children, they are continuous fountains of joy for me. from the moment they were born each of them has not failed to make me smile, surprise me, delight me in so many ways. they make me proud and they warm my heart.

I am thankful for my parents,
I am thankful for my siblings
I am thankful for my friends,
I am thankful for my Ex-husband,
I am thankful for my church,
I am thankful for my pastor,
I am thankful for my work,
I am thankful for my clients,
I am thankful for my house,
I am thankful for my car,
I am thankful for food,
I am thankful for my health,
I am thankful for music in my life,
I am thankful for vacations,
I am thankful for beautiful things,
I am thankful for my interests and hobbies,
I am thankful for the ability to work out,
I am thankful for my puppies,
I am thankful for Kitty Kat,
I am thankful for Christmas Decorations.....
:)

most of all I am thankful that when I was still an enemy of God, He came into my life and made me His own.
I am thankful that He not only sent His son to pay for my sins, He also revealed Himself to me in His Word, I am so thankful that He did that..
that when I am in the deepest need and despair, when fear grips me and insecurity seems to flood my heart and I feel like I am drowning, He is always there. never leaving me or forsaking me. telling me how much He loves me and holding me very tightly in His loving and tender arms....

I am thankful that I can be sure to one day see Him face to face... that then I will be free of any sadness, pain and heart break.....

I am thankful that He has told me that there will be NO MORE TEARS....... too many of those down here, that's for sure.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelations 21:3-4