.. and HE entered this world clothed in baby skin.....

sitting here with my laptop, right next to my Christmas tree, my little puppy dog on my lap I am listening to some German Christmas songs...

it's snowing outside and it is cozy and warm in here..

thinking about the miracle of Christmas..

Jesus, the Son, who was with God, who was God, through who all things were made and all things were made for Him...  there was nothing made that was not made by Him and for His glory...
that Jesus, because of the Father's great love for us, He came and He entered the world..
He entered human baby skin and was born.. small, crying, helpless, in a stable..
because there was no room for them in the Inn....


He came, knowingly embracing His purpose.. living life amongst us, all man AND all God all at once.. knowing that He would give His life as a ransom for many..
that having lived life here on earth, being tempted but not having sinned He was to be and became the ultimate sacrifice, to pay for sin once and for all for all who the Father would give Him, who would believe in Him... even though they had not seen Him, who would love Him and worship Him and honor Him...

listening to the church bells on the album my mother would play on Christmas Eve right before we were allowed to come into the room.. listening to the words so clearly stating the truth I am marveling that right now she is seeing Him... and it brings tears to my eyes..

truth is we are missing her. and we will miss her more when Christmas is here.. the rest of my family will be celebrating at my parents place in Switzerland and they will feel the void so much more than we will.. after all, my Mama never made it here, to my new home with my new husband...

I am sad she is no longer with us, I am thankful that what we believe in is truth and that therefore we will see her again.
I am sad also because of how easily people will like and embrace the Good News of the arrival of the little baby Jesus, and how much today they reject all that He came for... He came, because we NEED a Savior... we all have fallen short of what it takes to have eternal life with God... we all deserve to spend eternity forever separated from Him, in a place called hell...

those people forget that in order to claim Him as our Savior we also have to accept Him and bow before Him as our Lord...
He has revealed Himself and His plan in His Word... and no... we have not evolved beyond what He put together for eternity..
His commands still are as true as they were 2000 or more years ago... all of it.....

when 22 1/2 years ago He finally opened my eyes one thing was absolutely clear to me right away ... there is no place for "Cafeteria Christianity"... you cannot pick and choose what you would like to believe is true... it either is all true or none of it is...

so this Christmas... as my mother is able to see clearly... let's marvel at who He really is, Jesus, Emmanuel, Mighty God, Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace and let us OBEY Him !!

joy???? seeing through the lenses of the loss....

" We as the older women need to..."... some well meaning lady said to me a little while ago...

and all I could think was :"what?????  older women????" "speak for yourself, lady, I am not old"....

or am I?

my mother, after her mother had passed away said to me that this meant, amongst other things,  that she was now the next in line to go... right.. so, now that my mother has passed away I am the next in line....

I am someone who has children that could be mothers, someone who doesn't have a mother anymore and so, I guess, I most definitely might be moving into that category... older women...

can we maybe call it more mature... wiser... a little more seasoned.. please :)

ok.. it doesn't matter really, because the truth is, as we walk through this life, as we are encountering different issues and trials we do become seasoned... scarred ... it seems as we age and mature sorrows are added... I know from my own experience that they are not drowning out my joy, since this joy is not rooted in my circumstances but rather in my relationship with my Savior and my Heavenly Father... through what He did for me on the cross... but sorrows are added, a profound sadness does come with living in a broken world..

I know that I am extremely blessed to not have had to add many sorrows early on in my life.. but I have been scarred quite a bit.. through my own choices, the choices of others and just plain life..

I have heard things like "when your mother dies your life will be forever altered.. experiences will be classified in before that day and after..."

I am not sure I really feel that way but I figured something out... I most definitely see life through the lenses of this loss... my point of view has changed... I know how life goes on without someone as important as a mother..

maybe that's why I can't really live life the same anymore... there is not one situation I encounter, nice or not so nice that is not somehow thought about through the lenses of the fact that my mother is not there anymore..

things she would have liked, like a beautiful sunset, a new pillow for my living room- she would have loved to see at least a picture of it- a new thought or breakthrough... some knowledge or wisdom gained, 

things she would have had compassion for, things she would not have liked, even the things she would have gotten angry about.. I see them, I experience them and I see it through what my mother would have said or felt about them... so she is always on my mind.. and with it the sadness, the reality of being separated, even if it is only for a time, until I will join her in Heaven...

sorrow and joy, sadness and blessing, gratitude and suffering...

all of those are part of our lives, and, they can be, or maybe even should be, happening at the same time..

blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ..

joy even though it is inexpressible and glorious , given to me by God Himself, given to me in abundance still does not cancel out my grief and my sadness.

His comfort is what allows for joy amidst the sadness, the loss and the grief...

His comfort, His arms tightly wrapped around me, His love and caring and mercy and grace.. that's what allows for the joy not to be drowned out...

He lifts me out of the fog of the deep wound inflicted by a loved one ripped away through death.. so I can fix my eyes on the truth that she is indeed where I know without a shadow of a doubt I will go.. 

and my sorrow, even though still so very real in every moment of my existence here, is not taking away my gratitude for her salvation, so late in her life, my thankfulness for the love we shared, for even the hard times we had together, for how blessed I am to have had a mother like her.

so what do I do with this.. two things I think..

1. I am more aware of how precious my loved ones are. how precious the time I have with them is. I am more intentional about it, and..

2. I do have to choose to keep my eyes fixed on what is eternal, because, if I didn't quite understand it before, I do understand it better now... what is seen is temporal, it WILL COME TO AN END... what is unseen however is eternal... never ending.. 

my heart once again is filled with awe and such gratitude, it cannot be contained... what He did for me.. and my mother.. is PRICELESS..... instead of spending eternity forever separated from His love, I will get to spend it with Him... and my Mama..

listening to Christmas music already this is what comes to mind:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: I will give my heart.

serving Him with thankfulness, blessed to have been set apart with a purpose for a purpose..

Your will be done!

.. motherless...

I love how living life that is so permeated with the Word of God just leads to some really awesome moments...

last night when. once again for a moment I was overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a mother anymore ( living here with me on this earth ) I had another "light bulb"  moment..

as long as my mother still lived I, even though I am a 52 year old grown woman, was still a child, at least as it pertained to her... I was her child..
now, my father is still alive but, even though this might sound strange to many I have never felt like a child in re to him..  ( a child as in loved unconditionally, accepted, cared for, having a parent we could if we had ever still wanted, run to for advice and just this motherly love ) so... last night it dawned on me that this might be part of what it means to lose a mother... I am not a child to anyone walking the earth anymore...

but that's where He jumped right in.. the Holy Spirit that is:

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,  and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him..... 

Romans 8:16-17

HA...

what a wonderful thing.. always, not just when losing one's mother, but so significant for where I am right now.. love how God takes those moments of sadness and suffering and reveals Himself on an even deeper level..

had stumbled over the connection made here between being a child of God and the suffering.. yup, no surprises here, and yet, such promise.. being glorified with Him, as His child, is worth knowing Him in His sufferings, as we all will to some extent during our life time..

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.

1 John 3:1

so as I, feeling sad and probably a little sorry for myself, was pondering this thought that I was no longer a child ( beloved and taken care of if need be ) to anyone anymore he showed me just what kind of love He, the perfect Father in heaven has for me.. that I would be called a child of Him..

He, is my Abba Father and He will never leave me.

Thank you Lord

He IS my peace

teaching about prayer and scripture memorization at the Tuesday morning Bible Study at my church for the last month or so, someone told me today that she was blessed by my love for the Lord and His Word..

truth is, I am in constant awe of Him.. and I am constantly learning new things (talk about being in your fifties and still so far from knowing and understanding it all...)

just looking at where I am today, the fact that a year ago I got to marry the man that God had made especially for me, restoring the years the locusts have eaten,

the fact that God did want us to live here, far away from where He had blessed me with a tight-knit safety net of "Christ beside me"... far away from my beloved children and those sisters in the Lord He had for me during all those very tough years of an unhappy marriage and a horrible ripping apart of what was meant to be forever..
how He has been using these particular circumstances to allow our marriage to grow stronger..

the fact that through all kinds of complications and delays in many different ways I am finding myself  in the " no traveling outside the country" stage of my immigration process, hard as that has been at times, I can see what  He is doing... how He is working even something as random as this out to be good ...
again proof that my God is sovereign and that nothing, nothing at all ever happens without either Him ordaining or permitting it...

I am amazed that He has used all the heartaches and trials and losses of the last years to have me in a place where I love Him more, trust Him more and obey Him more.
He has me in a place of hearing from Him more, knowing His presence and guidance more, just in tune with Him like never before...

like David, hiding in the cave from his enemies, his soul seeking God's face, in desperation deciding to stand firm on what He knew about this God, that was his God, who he was intimately acquainted with, I have learned to stand on what I know to be true about Him and to not allow circumstances to dictate what I am feeling, to meditate on what He has done for me in the past and just to seek His presence at all times.

there are enemies that are trying to make my life miserable, there are those that not knowing what they are doing are allowing satan to use them to try and trip me up.. thanks to God to no avail..

trust and obedience are all we need when faced with trials of any kind... forgiveness and perseverance, keeping on keeping on.. as far as it depends on us,  living at peace with everyone
trusting the Lord to give and take away according to His perfect plan for our lives, striving to be content in all circumstances, living a life so filled with the joy of knowing Him that we embrace any kind of trial and discipline He sees fit for us to walk through ( never alone, Praise be to Him)

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. 

For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

looking to Him, having my eyes fixed on Him, who IS my peace, I am allowed to see glimpses of His goodness and my heart overflows once again

walking with Him in perfect harmony through the good, the bad and the ugly, I am falling more and more in love with Him, my Redeemer and King... the lover of my soul..

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! 

How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

 “For who has known the mind of the Lord,

    or who has been his counselor?”

 “Or who has given a gift to him

    that he might be repaid?”

 For from him and through him and to him are all things. 

To him be glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:33-36

and somehow, He loves me.

how can I not love Him back and put Him first in EVERYTHING?

.. September resolutions...

I love September, come to think of it, September might be my favourite month..

still warm, but not hot anymore, beautiful colours, fall is in the air, I just love it...not sure if my new Michigan friends call this time Indian Summer like we do in Canada, "Spaetsommer" is what we call it where I am from ..



even though only one of my own children went back to school / University this year, and she did so on a different continent which makes the back to school shopping a little difficult, it's still that time ..

new beginnings and with it new opportunities, a whole lot of possibilities, that and the fresher air invigorates me... just thinking of that, "new school year resolutions" make more sense to me than "New Years" resolutions... :)

I am excited about the new things the Lord is doing in my life.
I love that His mercies are new EVERY morning.

indeed, He is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide, nor will He keep His anger forever...
He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities ...
for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love towards those who fear Him,
as far as the east is from the west so far does he remove our transgressions from us,
as a father shows compassion to His children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him,
for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust......


I memorized this passage over the last few weeks, and I love dwelling on it..
what an amazing thing... what an amazing gift, undeserved favour for those who fear Him,
who have, through faith given to us by Him, realized the need for a Saviour, and He in His great mercy, gives us new birth, into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead ( another passage I am reviewing.. memorized it a few years ago )


this is what He tells us to do:

You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes..

Deuteronomy 11:18

to know Him, to know how much He loves us, to know His plans for our lives and how to live this life... it's all right there for us...

quickly looking up a scripture I wanted to include, reading it in context once again it, blows me away... it's all there, all of it. all we need for life and godliness, all we ever need no matter what happens in our lives...... so here it goes:

Seek the Lord while he may be found;

    call upon him while he is near;

 let the wicked forsake his way,

    and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

    and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

    and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

    giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

    it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

    and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

    shall break forth into singing,

    and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."

Isaiah 55: 6-12

the point I wanted to make was that His Word does not go out in vain.. it accomplishes something, always ... as we dwell on it, as we plant it deeply into our mind, heart and soul it WILL transform us, it will make us more like Him.. we WILL know Him more, we WILL love Him more, we WILL become more like Him... it's a for sure thing..

so let me challenge you like I did the wonderful group of ladies on Tuesday morning... try it, let the Word sink into your heart, and God WILL be faithful, He will accomplish His purposes..

you can trust Him.

He never lets us down.

it's just not who He is.

 SOLI DEO GLORIA

and when I fail, He picks me up

it seems that life is a never ending navigating through new and unchartered waters.. when we think we might have figured one thing out, another new and sometimes unsettling one is just around the corner.

just look at where I live. Germany, Ontario, now Michigan.

 you'd think that adjusting to new surroundings would be something I have figured out...

being a child,  a grown-up, a mother - running around, 3 kids, 2 dogs- empty nester

having a mother, ( all my life ), not having one anymore.

married, not married, married again ( joy )

many of those things are great, some are not. 

even changes for the better include losses.

life is a journey

a process.

lots of learning.

adjusting

waiting

trusting

being refined 

( quite painful at times )

in it all,

there is one steady thing

because

He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow

my relationship with Him,

( made possible through Him dying on a cross for my sins ) 

my center

my anchor

my hope

coming to Him each and every day

for all that I need

love

faith

joy

strength

peace

gentleness

kindness

self-control

forgiveness 

grateful for the guidance

the wisdom

the direction

how do we deal with that life

the changes

the challenges

the hurt 

the wonderful things 

( that's not that hard :)

going to Him, He shows me

if I fail, He picks me up

dusts me off

and sends me on my way again

and through it all

He always loves me.. 

He is indeed the Shepherd of my Soul

thank you Lord

"In the process

In the waiting

You're making melodies over me

And your presence

is the promise

For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves

You are able to keep me from stumbling

And in my weakness

you are the strength that comes from within

Good shepherd of my soul

Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure

So walking on water is just the beginning

Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention

For You are calling me to greater things

Oh

how I love You

how I love You

You have not forsaken me

Oh

How I love You

how I love You

With you is where I want to be

you never leave me, Lord"

"Shepherd" 

by Amanda Cook

.. consumed by His love....

it's 4:45, up since 2.. crazy to be awake.. so tired and not able to sleep anyways..
oh well, praying and pouring my heart out to my Jesus, so much going on in this mind of mine.
so I gave in and got my laptop.. crazy, I know...

consumed by love.. love for Him most of all, He, who rescued me.. He who keeps on rescuing me, He, who has given me new life, He, who gives me purpose, who sustains me through all the ups and downs of life.. He, who is the author and perfecter not only of my faith, but my entire being.. without Him there is nothing, with Him.. there are the riches of the glory of God and eternal blessing, provision and abundance .. love so amazing, so divine.. filling my heart to overflowing.. as I sit with Him, walk with Him, and hear from Him, as He sinks into my heart, I love Him more each day, and all those He has given me.... gratitude.. overwhelming gratitude, bursting my fragile little heart...

love for my husband.. never knew this kind of love... blessings flowing like a RIVER, a stream, a huge one, unending understanding and soul connection, unending tender affection, and fun, such unending fun, needs met.. it's deep, so very deep.. thank you Lord.... what a blessing to be able to bless him, just by being who I am.. how refreshing..

love for my children... thinking about just how much I love those beautiful girls, all so wonderfully made, woven together in my womb by the Father, ( blows my mind ) so precious to me.. so proud of them all, and so desperate for them to know Him..  thinking about the depth of my love for them I wondered.. and it's one of those things I will never quite be able to find out..
is the way I love them, the heart-bursting, not knowing how to express the magnitude of it, LOVE .. is that how every mother loves her children?  is it me, am I more extreme in my feelings ( and the answer for this I know : yes! )  and does it have to do with what I did, forgiven though it is, don't get me wrong, it is not guilt driven.. but do they mean so much more because I know without a shadow of a doubt that they are indeed a gift, an undeserved gift from above... where all good gifts come from....

Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

    are children born in one’s youth.

fact is.. I am consumed.. with the love for them.. so I pray.. for them.. a lot.. and I ask, again and again, how to love them well, I ask for wisdom, for what to say and what not to say, how to show them that I am for them, always, that they are so very precious to me...

love for my brothers and sisters in Christ, my pastors in particular, and once again,  I am asking the Lord... how can I bless, how can I love, in the right and appropriate way..

Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches.

Galatians 6:6

Respect everyone, and love the family of believers.

1 Peter 2:17

so I pray, for all those brothers and sisters.. my fellow believers, and love, encourage and help, as He leads me.. 

and lastly, a love for all those the Lord brings and has brought into my life that do not know Him... wherever they are, my prayer is that they could see Him in me, that through the cracks and all the brokenness His love could flow freely, that I would not hinder what He wants to accomplish through me, despite of me...that I would love them with His love, be His hands, His feet, His smile and His hugs....

this love, it flows, a never ending stream, a heart filled by His love, every morning anew,  overflowing, loving Him because He first loved me.. loving those He gave me, ...it's quite amazing.. maybe that's what keeps me up at night.. ;)

thankful to Him, from whom all blessings flow, living to bring Him glory.. because that's what it is all about... 

SOLI DEO GLORIA