..navigating through the darkness....

read in a devotional ( by James MacDonald, I LOVE James MacDonald ) not so long ago that when going through trials as a believer what we have happening in our favour, as opposed to our non-believing neighbours, is that we know where we are going, we have more of a concept of what is going on in our lives and what the purpose of all the suffering might be..

once again, it comes down to knowing the One who holds our future in His hands..
once again, how well we can maneuver through the trials has to do with how well we know Him..
once again, we are blessed because He has given us all we need to know Him well...

this is the passage of Scripture that James MacDonald used:

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

Hebrews 12: 5-7

I am His daughter, and when I go through hardship, which I in some way or another as a Christ follower always will, I can receive His strength, His comfort, His direction, His help, His wisdom, I have hope, that even if things won't change here and now, I have eternity with Him..

I have the privilege of having received His forgiveness and His instruction to forgive others which helps me making it through the valleys so much better..

as I was confronted with a family member's attacks just last week.. after finding my footing again, hiding in the arms of my Father, I was just so very thankful that I do not have to be out there diminishing others... that my troubles and the difficulties I am facing are not one dark mess that makes me lash out at those that are close by..

that I do not have to retaliate but can rather forgive and continue to pray for those that just don't know any better...

not because I am so much better or kinder or more forgiving, but just because no matter how dark and hard and maybe even confusing stuff around me gets once in a while, I do have Him, my Saviour who leads me by His light.. He is my lighthouse and He gives me all that I need for life and godliness..

because He is constantly working in me I can deal with trials and suffering differently... if I let Him have His way that is..

the other wonderful thing is that if or when those loved ones that do not know Him one day will bow their knee before Him, they too can receive all this... that's a hope I am clinging to and this is my prayer for all of them..

I am thankful that when I was still dead in my transgressions, He gave His life for me. reconciling me to the Father who I can run to now, who I can cling to, not only in the hard times, but always..

thankful to have such a friend, a lover of my soul, who is more than able to handle anything that comes my way... doing it His way is what I am asking Him to help me with each and every day.....

Praising Him in the Morning.. He is my Refuge

Jesus,

The great red dawning that rises over the mountains of all eternity.

The shining bridge of stars that arches up 

and up and gives us a path from earth into heaven’s throne room.

To our ship, battered in a storm He is the lighthouse.

He brings the message of eternity to us over the vast gulf of time.

He is the well of our hope.

He  is the reason our hope endures.

He has brought us so much more than the happiness we might wish for.

He has stretched out His arms in humility so that 

the gap between us and a Holy God could be bridged.

He was the lamb without blemish, sacrificed for our transgressions, once and for all.

Without Him we would be forever caught in the futility of ever striving and never arriving.

Without Him there would be no light, only darkness. 

Without His unfailing love there would be NO HOPE.

Let us Praise Him,

Let us bow down before Him in eternal gratitude and awe.

In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was  God, He was with God in the beginning.

He, who being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God 

something to be grasped,

but made Himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

 being made in human likeness..

..he humbled Himself 

and became obedient to death,

even death on a cross!

Let us Praise Him and Worship Him,

Let us come before Him with thankfulness in our hearts.

Because we are the people walking in darkness,

who have seen a great light.

We rejoice in you, oh Lord and Saviour,

Oh Father of the fatherless,

Oh Lover of the souls of all the lonely and rejected.

We love You because You first loved us...

You considered us worth dying for 

even while we were still your enemies,

dead in our transgressions.

Let us Praise You, Jesus, 

Lord of Lords

and King of Kings

Brother and Friend,

You are worthy of our Praise

Both now and forever more!!!

married a month minus a day... He is growing us, TOGETHER...

praying this morning with my husband, giving the Lord all that is on our minds and hearts, all our anxious thoughts about family members and things that need to fall into place..

immigration, moving, health insurance, finances and all that kind of stuff..

it was good to just have read this passage in the Word:

The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many warriors with you. If I let all of you fight the Midianites, the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength"

Judges 7:2

the truth is the army of the Midianites were 135,000 soldiers and Gideon had 32,000...

so he had too many???????????

in the end the Lord made Gideon sent all but 300 men home.. and they won the battle..

all so they wouldn't be able to boast that they had done it themselves..

I guess human nature is human nature is human nature.... then and now... we are all the same.. it's pride..

and He, our Daddy in Heaven is fully aware of this...

so it made us think...

this is why things don't really "fall into place" until all of our own efforts have been exhausted...

this is why so often we just don't have any control over things.. so that we will not boast in ourselves but only in Him..

this is why through both my husband's and my marriage breakups He basically removed all that would have given us security, security apart from the Lord that is..

I remember after a rather hurtful exchange with my mother a few months after my husband left me, I had felt that not only did I not have a husband ( and the security that gave me ) anymore but also, apparently I really didn't have a mother ( and she had given me a lot of security emotionally all throughout my life ) 

I remember praying that night and telling my Jesus that if He needed to strip me of all, He should just go ahead.. I wanted to rely only on Him...

so in this new stage of my life, in our life, He, as always is true to His Word, He is not giving up on bringing to perfection the work He started in us.. making us rely on Him in so many different ways..

so that we could not boast in ourselves but only in what Christ has done in us.. and for us...

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

1 Corinthians 4:7

struggling with this at times it was good to have heard about some things He is doing in the life of a "very much loved one" right now.. how He is answering my fervent prayers for her and how He, once again is going above and beyond all I could ever have asked for or imagined..

remembering His faithfulness we are going ahead and are deciding to trust and not be afraid , because He has become our salvation, He, the Lord Himself is our strength and our defence, He IS OUR SALVATION...

good that this is settled :)

... 4 weeks and living my vows...

4 weeks and counting :)

3 days until our 1 month  anniversary.. so amazing.. so very blessed.
been able to spend the last few days with my husband and I am so thankful for that.

was supposed to be spending my weekend with a group of friends the Lord gave to me during the 5 hardest years of my life..

was supposed to be spending the weekend retreating, seeking the Lord, worshipping Him and reconnecting with those treasured friends..

I am so thankful for what God did a little over 5 years ago when I, still raw with pain caused by the horrific break up of my marriage, packed my bags, travelled to Seattle to embark on a Cruise with "Michael W Smith and Friends"..

I knew no one... and to be honest, the night before getting on the ship, in the privacy of my hotel room in Seattle, I questioned my state of mind when booking this trip... how crazy was I..

truth is, my Daddy in Heaven had orchestrated it all and by me doing something that crazy He blessed me with amazing times all by myself in my cabin, on my knees praying and encountering Him in a way like never before.. He blessed me by giving me a whole new family... fellow believers.. with a similar crazy streak... passionate worshippers of the Lord .. loving those worship concerts and devotions as much as I did..

the events put on by Michael W Smith and the amazing people that work for Him became the highlights of my years .. counting down the sleeps to each one of them starting as early as a year and a half before... often times looking forward to them seemed to be the only positive thing I had going...

so in October of last year, I was, as always, one of the first ones booking my room for this retreat... I had met my now husband but we most definitely were not quite where we would have booked a trip together for almost a year later...

in the meantime, thanks to how God had planned it all along, we got married and as much as I thought I could do it all, I had to come to the place were I had to make a decision..

was I going to do, what I had just vowed to my husband in front of God and all those that were with us on our Wedding day... to put him and his needs before mine.. to make him a priority and honor and respect him in all that I do ?

well, obviously, there was no real question about this once I realized that this was what it was all about..

seeing all the many pictures of this, I am sure so wonderful weekend away, was kind of hard, just because I have been part of this for quite some time now..

being together with my husband, spending a weekend enjoying "us"... taking care of some things for our life together... attending a church that might become "our church home" and, last night, going to see the movie "90 minutes in heaven".... PRICELESS

we are booked for the next Michael W Smith and Friends event... both of us... and.. that's in 291 days, 19 hours, 24 minutes and 30 seconds.. :)

thanks to God.. there are MANY things to look forward to before !!!

..ALMOST crashing.. and a bike in Holland..

such a whirlwind of activity and huge changes in the last 4 weeks..

getting married,
caring for aging loved ones,
tying up lose ends,
moving children across the ocean,
and finally getting back to where very soon my new life will start, for a little bit at least.

marveling at all God is doing, blessings so beyond anything I could have ever asked for or even imagined
and then. today. I almost came crashing down.
exhausted. dealing with a cold. realizing how much I will miss my kids, friends, my ministry and all that is familiar to me...

I almost did.

just "almost" because of what He, my Father has been teaching me to do in moments like these..

• don't go with your feelings

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

• go back the Word. stand on the truth. remember all the Lord has done for you.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:1-3

instead of listening to all kind of discouraging thoughts and feelings, I chose to go to my reading for today..

this is what jumped out:

My heart is confident in you, O God;

    no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!

I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.

    I will sing your praises among the nations.

 For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.

    Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Psalm 108 : 1, 3-4

so here is my response :

I thank you Lord and praise you

for your unfailing and unending love and care

for your mercy, new every morning

for your grace, undeserved favour for me, a sinner

for my husband

for my children

for my friends

for your attention to detail ( working out all to perfection )

for your protection and provision ( no plane crashes, means to do all this )

for your healing power ( no vertigo, no headaches when traveling)

for your people ( friends connecting us to believers wherever we go )

for your church ( Holy Trinity Brompton, London England )

for your favour for my children ( Bekkie's room, roommate, new friends; a place to live, schooling, a bike for Laura, she is in Holland after all :) 

for your faithfulness in the past 

for your direction and guidance

I give you the future,

it is in your hands.

I might not know what it will look like,

but I know you.

through hardships in the past you have taught me to trust

seeking you I know I will find you

drawing near to you I know you will draw near to me

you are moving me on

and I would lie to say it doesn't make me sad

it hurts

but

I know there is a purpose

I know you will continue to use me

I know that you are faithful

I will stand on that.

I will cling to you and let you have your way

surrendering

it seems to be something one has to do daily

it's all about you

your glory

your will be done

in my life as it is is heaven.

there.. that's it.

ruins and extravagant love.

another week has gone by. and a day.
in the meantime I have travelled a bit.
first to the Netherlands to visit one of my daughters studying there for a semester, her last year of law school.
I hate the travel in itself, no sleep, long waiting times, trains cancelled, delayed, 18 hours later, with about an hour sleep during what kind of was the night, this body of mine was about to give out.
I love the reason for the travel. my child. seeing her there. spending lots of time talking, walking and more talking.
the Goodbye. tearful. in our future a longer than usual period apart.

travel again, more cancelled / non existent trains.. the reason for it, I loved. my youngest. meeting her in her new place of living. starting school in England.

lots of walking. and talking. and figuring out and setting up. then. another Goodbye. this little spunky one is the last of my children to leave the nest.

I know I will miss her much. I know I will pray even more for her now that she is so far away.

read a great devotion this morning from James MacDonald.. because we are loved by our Father in Heaven He will never stop to put us through trials.. His love is a perfecting love. even the most healthiest changes that bring a sense of loss and sadness He uses to teach us.

learning to trust Him while walking through all these times of refining. praying much and seeing prayers answered. priceless.

He is good. He is extravagant. He is trustworthy and never changing. His love knows no end.

the contrast so stark. the world. it's dark. but His love. it shines. the light that illuminates the darkness cannot be hidden.
the peace always right there. His power unshakeable. mighty He is.
not openly. but still mocked and ridiculed. for His sake? it's worth it always.

at the airport again, more travel, more stress on this old body of mine. returning to more issues. and lots to do.
in His sovereignty He allows them. the issues. or even orchestrates them exactly the way they are.
a father and a mother. their health failing all at the same time.
ruins. rubble. left over from a life lived in the darkness. destruction seems inevitable.

let the ruins come to life

in the beauty of your name

rising up from the ashes 

God forever you reign

and their souls will find refuge 

in the shadow of your wings..

with Him, all is possible, nothing is impossible.. reality is who He is.. not what circumstances are.

peace. reconciliation. love flowing freely. it's possible.

so trusting and praying and hoping and waiting. on Him. and His plan.

expectantly waiting for it to unfold. 

walking through the desert fixing our eyes on Him, the mountain mover and not the mountain. no matter how high.

coming home tomorrow I will go to the dentist ( I SO HATE the dentist ) and then embark on a 5-6 hour drive to finally, at least for a little while,  be reunited with the man I married 3 weeks and 1 day ago. together we will pray and trust and wait. do what we can and rest in Him.

I am blessed.