.. out of the ashes.. SOVEREIGN OVER ME... my new home :)

today, one week before I get "occupancy" of my new home... my teensy weensy Condo... ( it really is so small... ) I got to do a walk through... got to see it for the first time since I snug in with a precious "partner in crime / friend"  many, many months ago... and.  I love it!!!

I have been planning, arranging, sorting and packing and all that stuff for quite some time now.
big changes. decisions made. good or not so good we do not know. but made after all. done deal.

recovering from this latest onslaught of brutal, verbal abuse, trying to do all that was necessary while ministering to those the Lord has brought into my life for this reason, left me feeling a bit fragile and overwhelmed.. lots of tears.

then, last week, this is what He had for me.

Jesus. after the resurrection appearing to the disciples telling them this:

And now I will send the Holy Spirit, just as my Father promised. But stay here in the city until the Holy Spirit comes and fills you with power from heaven....

He knew I felt beaten down and weak. so He reminded me of something. the power of Heaven, the power that resurrected Jesus from the dead, that power. it is in me.
no need to feel defeated. no one. no matter how much I love them can diminish me to rubble. the power from Heaven is powerful enough to restore me. again. again. and again.

so. slowly over the last week I have been regaining my strength. have been packing. looking at old family pictures. reading old cards. testimony to what my life has been. the good and the bad.
some things have not turned out the way I would have liked them. some things are tough and almost unbearable. and yet. the power. that amazing heavenly power of my Father in Heaven. it is not broken. He has my back. He is on my side.

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears

You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding, You’re teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us

You’re with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways

Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace

Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind

You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil

You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful

Youʼre working for our good, Youʼre working for our good and for your glory

and so I will move. into my new home. trusting to be right where He wants me to be. right where He will use me for His glory. where I get to share in His glory. where I get to soak up His love. filled with His power. He is AMAZING.  Love Him

.. therefore there is now no more condemnation. you are loved.

up most of the night.. so many thoughts racing through my head.. unsettled by something that happened last night... this is what He kept on telling me:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1-2

I knew it before, but last night was another time the Lord showed me why it is so very GOOD for us to dwell on His Word and to know it... so that He can bring it to mind in situations that we couldn't handle very well otherwise....

as my mind was racing and the knot in my stomach was bothering me and I could not sleep He just kept whispering into my ear... there is now no more condemnation ... you are loved, understood, accepted , treasured, I am here to comfort you, to hold you and to stand by you. I will never leave you or forsake you, actually, I am rejoicing over you with singing, I am quieting you with my love, because my delight in you knows no end. I love you with an everlasting love and nothing can ever separate you from me.

eventually I settled down.

I love Him and am amazed at His love. there is nothing like it.
how blessed I am. how wonderful He is.

hope I can sleep better tonite.

.. do I have the strength to make it through the day...

this is what I have been listening to lately... on repeat. on my iTunes. by Michael W. Smith

it sums me up right now. just wondering. there seems to be something difficult around pretty much every corner. know that learning to depend on Him is what this life is all about. have known this for long. when the tears flow I know that He carries me. I know it because otherwise I could not make it through the day. another storm. another earthquake. faith in Him. that He indeed carries me. that's the only way. friends. being Jesus to me. praying with me. giving me strength. in this world. it is not easy. but. I don't have to walk this road alone. for that. I am thankful.

Sometimes I wonder if my beating heart has a reason

The thought of breathing only takes my breath away

I've spent so many nights wrestling with this feeling

Do I have the strength to make it through the day

But I was never meant

To walk this road alone

I can always trust you

When you say

I will carry you

Be your strength

And pull you through

Reach for me

And take my hand

We will pray

And we will stand

In a world

Crying out for peace

Let your heart be strong

For when I am weak

You will carry me

Sometimes You wonder if the road you're on has a reason

It's hard to go on, when you just don't know

We can shoulder all the weight of life between us

Until the fear of what we cannot see is gone

Cause we were never meant

to walk this road alone

we are bound together

When we say...

... futile and meaningless...

I don't know about you... but I think most of us think life is all about learning new things, figuring stuff out.. and that through this we will be growing, will be transformed, will become more like Him.

I don't know about you... but it seems that often trying to figure out stuff is futile.. new theories , no matter how accurate they might be, are not the answer.

I don't know about you... but the growing really happens despite ourselves, the transforming happens not because we are trying to change ourselves.

it is all about a person. a relationship. He is the one transforming us. He is the one with the answers. His theories are true. His wisdom is all we need.

all we need to do is draw close to Him. trust Him. allow Him to have all of  us.

I don't know about you... but there is such freedom in totally giving up oneself.

I don't know about you.. but once I surrender.. stop the desperate attempt to figure it out.. there is a peace and a blessing that fills my heart up like nothing else ever can...

"Christ says "Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. . . . I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

truth is, He has given Himself to me. once I stop long enough to acknowledge this, the pressure of trying to figure it out leaves me....

there is nothing wrong with wanting to be more like Him, nothing wrong with wanting to live in such as way as to bring glory to Him... truth is, no matter how much I will try, I will never figure it out ...

it is Him. Him alone. His Grace. His Love. His Mercy. His Power.

Thankful for that. because when I can't He gets the glory! and the glory needs to be His. His alone.

#SoliDeoGloria

... earthquakes and after shocks...

God wants you totally free so you can be totally His. We were created for dominion, multiplication, and order. But when Adam and Eve lost sight of who they were and grasped at something they were not to have (equality with God), these things were forfeited. Domination, division, and chaos replaced what was good.....

read this today.. and it fit really well with what I have been thinking about...

as His followers, we are not only called to live out His order the way it was planned, since the Fall it also means to be who He enables us to be in the chaos that replaced what He had planned for His creation..

50 years old now, a Christ follower for 20 years, I have been observing that the older I get the more scars there are... hurts and conflicts happen... that's true for all of us,
as obedient Christians we ask for forgiveness, forgive and continue to be about the ministry of reconciliation..
this means to accept the consequences of another person's sin.. living with it sometimes on a daily basis, without holding it against the one who committed the sins against us..

healing follows obedience, but scars, consequences, they remain... they do not rob us of the joy that is ours as we walk with Him... but they are there..

just yesterday, someone who almost 5 years ago inflicted the most intense pain, responded to a reaching out in love by me with a full out attack... committed to extending grace this was my only response... it hurt, but once again, I accepted the pain... responded in love ...  which now is leaving me with the task of taking thoughts captive, not dwelling on what was thrown at me, but rather letting it go. trusting my Father to heal the newly inflicted wounds..

He is faithful. I am fixing my eyes on Him while trying to find my footing... I never lost it, but the after shocks of the earth quake still rattle my heart... the chaos.. the division... the brokenness that characterizes life on this earth keeps me in total dependence on Him ... until one day He will take me home and paradise will be restored .... good thing I can be sure of that!!!!

... oh me of little faith.... :(

.. so I am kind of hip for being 50 ( or so I like to think ).. I have an account on twitter but I don't really tweet, let alone anyone retweets or favorites any of my tweets ( which really are my fb statuses most of the time, so that gives me away as kind of old too )....
anyways, I just had a ton of notifications on twitter and saw that 4 different people had just over the last week put me on their "great/ best/ Blogging Superstar" lists.... too funny...

did they not get the message that I was not going to be blogging anymore... hahaha...

truth be told the last 3 weeks since making this statement have been so full of learning and suffering and learning and more suffering... it kind of was hard not to write about it.....

so, since I am supposedly this blogger that gets put on lists... here comes another one ;)

not sure if you can relate at all to this:

When He saved me..  when He picked me up and lifted me out of the pit.. the pit of hurt, darkness and despair... ( and let me clarify.... obviously I was not just the poor victim, I was a sinner needing grace ) when He saved me, when He quickened me and brought me to life in Him I embarked on this journey.. this walk, with Him, my Saviour, the Lover of my Soul, my friend, with my Heavenly Father, and with the Holy Spirit inside of me... never ever not in the business of changing me and making me more like Him....

over the years I have come to the conclusion that, like the Bible tells me, I have all I need in Him, all I need for godliness, all I need to be content in all circumstances, joyfully following Him, serving Him, letting Him use me for His glory and ALL THAT.... all truth...

I had embraced it in regards to my singleness and somehow had ended up thinking that since I had found out that I had been looking at this all wrong ( as in I was only complete when with a man ) had let the pendulum swing in the opposite direction not even daring to hope anymore, because, lets face it, He never promised that there would be another man, one to love Christ together with, serve Him together with.. respect and love and cherish... be loved and cherished by... and I tried to be okay with that...

oh, me of so little faith... me of such a need to figure stuff out.... when all He ever wants is TRUST..
so in my passage for the week, we are in Philemon... I read this:

At the same time, prepare a guest room for me, for I am hoping that through your prayers I will be graciously given to you.

this is Paul writing to Philemon, urging Him to forgive his fugitive slave / turned Christian brother Onesimus... lot's to learn about forgiveness and that was nothing new for me... but this verse hit me...
it encouraged me...

here was Paul, a prisoner for the Gospel in Rome... expectantly hoping to be free again, so that he could come and visit his friend Philemon.... he is so confident of this that he asks Philemon to prepare a guest room for him... ha.......
Paul had learned to be content in all circumstances, He had found the ultimate joy in serving the Lord, knowing Him more intimately every day... and yet he hoped, for something as "insignificant" as the privilege to see his friend again, to be able to fellowship and to be refreshed by each other again...

the best part is... God grants him this desire of his heart... yup, just as a little cherry on top... obviously using it for His glory, but He did.....

warmth flooded my heart when I let this sink in.... so do you mean, just out of love for me and Your goodness you might just give me a "cherry on top" too? just because that's who You are... how much You love me?????

needed to hear this, going through some especially trying times right now... reminded that He has indeed done this for me in the past... how could I forget????

oh me of little faith, still can't quite get my head around just HOW BIG THIS LOVE is You have for me....... Thank you Lord, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!