grief and sorrow. it's been 351 days

351 days ago a very nice person gave me this orchid ..
this is a picture of it today.
I don't like orchids all that much but this one has brought me joy.
during the last 351 days it has continued to bloom .. some of the blossoms have died and fallen off but there have always been a lot of new ones..

351 days ago was the day I will never forget... I knew that this day was going to be a bad one.
upon arrival in Switzerland the day before my daughter Laura found out that my mother had just gotten so sick that all her medications including the antibiotics meant to fight the latest infection had been discontinued and morphine was given instead.

at 4 in the morning 351 days ago I received a text that the hospital had called at my parents place telling them to come quickly.

it's been 351 days.
351 days. each of those 351 days have had some kind of stark reminder of the new normal that began that day.
the sinking feeling in my stomach, the knowledge that this day was coming closer started about 7 weeks before.
pages filled with medical terms. test results. leaving no doubt that it was going to happen.
much sooner than my small and feeble heart wanted to face this.

I am thankful that until that day I hadn't really experienced it.
the loss of a deeply loved one.
of a most significant person

to be honest, early on in my life already I was afraid of this day.
I remember lying in bed as a child trying to make a deal with God.
I thought it would be better if we all would go at the same time.
I couldn't face the possibility of what has been the reality now for 351 days.

I am sad. and I have learned a lot since this fateful day in April of last year.
I have learned that nothing can prepare you for a loss that huge.
I have learned that there is no getting over it. there is only a living through it.
I am not always thinking about it but I am still thinking about it a lot.
I have learned that there are so many many things I would love to ask her now.
how did she deal with the loss of her mother.. she never talked about it.

I have learned that even though I am a believer, a follower of Christ and His comfort is there for me ALL THE TIME... even though I believe that we all are eternal beings and that my mother is in Heaven with Jesus and I will see her again one day, that I still can't fathom it. dying.
I know that it was never meant to be that way. I know that death only entered after the fall, the first sin in the Garden of Eden, and that this explains why it is so very foreign to me... continues to be so hard and my limited mind just can't handle it.

I just don't know what to do with it.

then I just have to pray for that comfort and peace... and I receive it.
I love more intentionally, all the people I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am so much more aware that my time with them all here is indeed limited.
wasting a second of that time seems foolish.
instead I am intentional about using that time well... investing myself in them by sharing what I know is most important.

I know that fixing my eyes on what is eternal makes more sense than on what is temporal.
I know that even though our outer self is wasting away day by day, yet our inner self is being renewed at the same time.
even the grief and sadness I am feeling right now is light and momentary, compared to the eternal glory it is achieving for me... because the God of all grace has called me, as He has called my mother already, to His eternal glory in Christ.... she has been restored, confirmed, strengthened and established in Him...

my trouble is that I have not seen it yet... I can see only dimly as in a mirror ... but she is seeing it even now, when my heart is weighed down with sorrow over losing her.. for now...
thinking about these things allows me to have hope...

it's been 351 days.

REAL pain... but take heart.. He has OVERCOME

once again reminded of how amazing it is that God, the Creator of the Universe, the Mighty God, that He in His great love for me has allowed trial after trial after trial..

reading a great article yesterday of how through them, the trails, our faith grows... how without them, our faith would shrivel away, like a muscle that is not used...

it's so true.. if things hadn't been that bad in my former marriage, if the pain and the suffering in it and when it fell apart hadn't been that overwhelming..

if the pain inflicted by a absent and cruel, selfish father hadn't been that far reaching and ever present, if there had been no sickness and so many losses...

my faith would not be proven genuine and it wouldn't be as strong as it is..

if fear hadn't been that overwhelming I would have not had to run to Him and hide.. I would not have memorized scripture after scripture after scripture to counter the attacks of the lies targeting my weak areas...

my heart wouldn't have been healed and fortified and taught and ... most of all, I wouldn't know Him as intimately as I do...

and how empty would life be...

my father, in ICU, recovering from hip replacement surgery is facing real pain and suffering now that the pain medication that made it look so easy is being reduced and he feels that a big chunk of bones has been cut out of his body and some other artificial piece has been put in....

think of how violent an act that is... and obviously there has to be REAL pain... for a long time...


made me think of how thankful I am that even physically my loving father in heaven has allowed me to get acquainted with pain early on in my life... walking through this throughout my life I have learned to endure... to accept it as part of my life and to surrender to the reality of it...
I have learned who to lean on when pain is happening, physically and emotionally ....

in this world you will have trouble - pain- loss- heartache- but take heart, be of good cheer... for He, who chose to suffer so I would be forgiven and my relationship with Him restored, He, He most definitely has overcome the world.....

so as much as my adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour... I am, by what He, my Savior has done,  able to resist, to stand firm, to fix my eyes on Him, being comforted that He is indeed in control of all of this and that He will give me all I need, and ... and that's the best part... will take me safely to His heavenly Kingdom, where I will see clearly what I can only see dimly now, as in a mirror....

to Him be all glory, honor and praise forever and ever AMEN

..my broken heart is part of your plan.....

it is 11:pm.... one hour before my birthday ... in this time zone this is... I was born in Kehl am Rhein in Germany...
it's my birthday there already.. thing is, I am not quite sure when exactly I was born and now I can't ask my mother anymore..
this is the first birthday for me to not at least talk to the woman who gave birth to me...

birthdays are a big deal in my family... my parents were amazing at getting us all hyped up days before the birthday....
early in the morning my mother would come into my room and wake me up... lots of love, kisses and hugs and then came the big moment....


the birthday table had been set the night before, now the cake was put out and the candles were lit... finally allowed to enter the room there it all was... presents and cards and cake, candles and candy all beautifully decorated ...
the breakfast table had porcelain roses around the birthday child's plate... more candles and obviously we had cake for breakfast...






I have had the privilege to pass on this beautiful tradition to my 3 wonderful daughters...




... today will not only be the first time I won't hear my mother's voice on my birthday, it will also be the first time none of my children will be with me ....

watching the slide show I made of pictures of my mother just now I have grieved this loss all over again... then I watched the slide show of pictures of those cute children of mine...

once again I am experiencing sadness and joy all at once..
sadness for what will be a hard first in the "life after April 20, 2016" the day my mother left behind her earthly body, ravaged by cancer, to enter her eternal home, the room Jesus had prepared for her in His mansion... and a deep joy because of all the memories I have of the mother she was to me..

sadness that I won't see my children, but gratitude and joy that the Sovereign God of the universe saw fit to allow me to be mother to these girls... how many memories we have and God willing will continue to make..

in the sadness of the last 9 months this song has been a great comfort to me....

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am NOT

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

Thy will be done

I am thankful that His will is done... I am thankful that in His Sovereignty He chose us before the beginning of the world to be His children and that He has indeed numbered our days..

I am thankful that in His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ .. I am thankful and I am counting it all joy that now for a little while I am, like all His children, suffering grief in all kinds of trials.. these have come so that my faith, of greater worth than gold  ( which perishes even though refined by fire ) may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I am feeling the loss and the sadness, I am lost as to how to deal with it still at times yet still I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is right... I know that my broken heart is a part of His plan...that as I have traveled from heart break to heart break I have tasted that the Lord is good... I have learned to trust... that He gets it right every time.. that He is God and I am NOT....

I am seeing the goodness He has in store for me even now, having relied on Him for all my needs I know that He has never let me down...instead He continues to bless me beyond anything I could ever ask for or imagine.....

so I am rejoicing in how rich in a deep and meaningful way life with Him is....

so blessed by my Father in Heaven who IS a good, good father...His mercies are new every morning and He will be there for me tomorrow and every day....

May He be glorified in all that I ever do or say.

Amen

riding out your life's tsunami???????

up since 3:30.. don't ask me why, lots of time to read, pray and memorize scripture before getting up at 7... lot's of time to think about many things and contemplate what is happening in my soul / heart/ life / mind..

listening to a song from long ago a little later, on repeat, as I am out driving doing errands for my beloved husband, these are the lyrics:

Be still for the presence of the Lord

 The Holy One is here

 Come bow before Him now

 With reverence and fear

 In Him no sin is found

 We stand on holy ground

 Be still for the presence of the Lord

 The Holy One is here

 Be still for the glory of the Lord

 Is shining all around

 He burns with holy fire

 With splendor He is crowned

 How awesome is the sight

 Our radiant King of light

 Be still for the glory of the Lord

 Is shining all around

 Be still for the power of the Lord

 Is moving in this place

 He comes to cleanse and heal

 To minister His grace

 No work too hard for Him

 In faith receive from Him

 Be still for the power of the Lord

 Is moving in this place

listening to this song because that's the one I chose for the slideshow of pictures I made for my mother... or I should say in memory of her... 

thinking about one of the scriptures I memorized last week and practiced this morning :

Therefore let those that are suffering ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL... entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.... ( 1 Peter 4:19 )

home again, looking at the memories from a year ago today, this is what I found:

Sometimes God allows all our anchors to break —- so we know the only unbreakable anchor we have is Him

Overwhelming waves can carry you into the open arms and overwhelming love of God

When God raises the winds and lifts the waves — you can always trust His hand to lift you higher — further up into Himself

and... this:

In his sovereign watch-care, the all-good, all-wise God decides when his children will suffer for doing good ........  1. Peter 3:17  His eyes are on us!

I guess it's a theme... the life of a follower of Christ... always being refined, always suffering in some way.. because He, who called us out of darkness into His marvelous light is faithful and is all about making us more holy... because He is holy...

last year on this day, my mother was in the hospital in Switzerland suffering from pneumonia, also suffering from lung cancer that was spreading and a heart that was about to give out, family dysfunction was lived out over there and it was communicated to me, over here.. immigration complications, or should I say the absence of documents to begin the process that should have been there long ago, had me stuck, not able to be there for her.... loneliness in this new place, trying to find meaningful connections to fellow believers....

so, suffering, ok, in this world you will have trouble... but suffering according to God's will???

like suffering in a marriage and no way out? still doing good...

like suffering from a disease and ultimately losing the fight against it...  ( He takes us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom ... )

like slain int the shadow of the Almighty... say what?????

like being killed while reaching out to people to share the Good News...

like everything being so overwhelming, the waves being so high,  there is no standing up under them... there is just no way you can fight the battles by yourself... no way to control the situation....

tossed about and carried right into the arms of Almighty God... 

finding refuge in His shadow...

closeness like never before... and the winds and waves are still raging against the ROCK... but HE can handle it and we are safe...

suffering according to God's will...

His good and perfect will..

His plan, which prospers and doesn't harm..

His power perfect in my weakness,

in my loss, in my inability to change one single thing,

just looking to Him for EVERYTHING...

receiving it all and MORE

His unfailing, overwhelming, eternal, steadfast love..

sacred and gentle and sweet... just like He is...

there is nothing else we need...

just be still.... because the presence, the glory AND the power of the Lord is right here...

He will never leave or forsake..

AMEN

... when He has tested me I will come forth as gold...

The new addition to our family, our 3 months old puppy Molly is the reason I am up early on this first day of 2017...
Sitting in my chair next to the beautifully lit Christmas tree ( and yes, my Christmas decorations will not come down for a while yet) a soft blankie keeping me warm and my little puppy curled up on my legs, I  have been spending some time with my best friend this morning...

all day yesterday or maybe I should say the last 2 days since the last of my daughters departed, I have been reflecting and I have been a little sad..

I am not sure why it hits me more now than it did during Christmas with it's traditions and memories... I guess maybe because it was busy and my children who I miss most of the year were here with me... so, now that they have left and the old year was coming to an end... the reflecting and with it the sadness have been flooding my thoughts and my heart...

I am a very grateful follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, in His great mercy and grace He has seen fit to open my eyes one Sunday morning in June of 1994... finally done searching for purpose and ultimately Him, my Saviour, I have been spending the last 22 1/2 years to get to know Him more, to trust Him and obey Him, in His strength and by His amazing grace... walking with Him through this life I have encountered a lot of suffering and many trials.. some of which are ongoing... I understand why He allows them and I am submitting to His Will, His total Sovereignty..

"re-memorizing" 1 Peter I am reminded that I rejoice in suffering grief in all kinds of trials because through them my faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved  genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed..

grief in all kinds of trials... like when the person that just by the fact that she was the one whose heartbeat I heard from the inside, always was ( even when I was not aware of that anymore ) at least one of the most important in my life, suddenly wasn't with us anymore.. that this heart just stopped beating and I wasn't even there with her... that kind of grief that is something I just can't get beyond.. get my head around... it, like any other grief, like seeing loved ones suffer and walk away from the Lord more and more, like seeing the wicked prosper and facing the prospect of real loss in some very significant way.... that grief is there to when I have stood the test make my faith come forth as gold...

grief and trials are messy... and I know that there is a lot more of this around and that some people have had to suffer a lot more grief than I have... and all we have, and that is such an amazing gift, is to remember who He is that is walking through all the sadness and the messiness with us.. it is He who not only came down to earth as a little baby to offer Himself as the spotless lamb, to pay for our sins once and for all, He also promised to never leave us or forsake us... He is the One who understands our grief and difficulty like no one else.. He is the One who holds on to us when we don't even have the strength to hold on to Him... He is the One who will bring us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom when our last heart beat here on earth is used up...

He has promised us comfort, peace and rest here with Him, always available to us... getting it we just have to believe and surrender our feeble attempts to control what was never ours to control to begin with...
the last year had some significant grief and trials.. and next year might very well be as bad or worse... but this is what life is... heartaches and losses are what we can expect... in it all, He is steadfast and faithful and He ( and that I know for a fact ) rejoices over each one of us who know Him with singing... He quiets us with His love and He is indeed mighty to save us ....

thanking Him for His constant attention to every detail of my messy life, I can relax and leave it all up to Him while enjoying the peace that totally surpasses all I could ever dream up.. I sink into His embrace and tenderly put my head on His shoulder, right where I can hear His heartbeat ... and I know that I am His daughter and I am loved...

.. and HE entered this world clothed in baby skin.....

sitting here with my laptop, right next to my Christmas tree, my little puppy dog on my lap I am listening to some German Christmas songs...

it's snowing outside and it is cozy and warm in here..

thinking about the miracle of Christmas..

Jesus, the Son, who was with God, who was God, through who all things were made and all things were made for Him...  there was nothing made that was not made by Him and for His glory...
that Jesus, because of the Father's great love for us, He came and He entered the world..
He entered human baby skin and was born.. small, crying, helpless, in a stable..
because there was no room for them in the Inn....


He came, knowingly embracing His purpose.. living life amongst us, all man AND all God all at once.. knowing that He would give His life as a ransom for many..
that having lived life here on earth, being tempted but not having sinned He was to be and became the ultimate sacrifice, to pay for sin once and for all for all who the Father would give Him, who would believe in Him... even though they had not seen Him, who would love Him and worship Him and honor Him...

listening to the church bells on the album my mother would play on Christmas Eve right before we were allowed to come into the room.. listening to the words so clearly stating the truth I am marveling that right now she is seeing Him... and it brings tears to my eyes..

truth is we are missing her. and we will miss her more when Christmas is here.. the rest of my family will be celebrating at my parents place in Switzerland and they will feel the void so much more than we will.. after all, my Mama never made it here, to my new home with my new husband...

I am sad she is no longer with us, I am thankful that what we believe in is truth and that therefore we will see her again.
I am sad also because of how easily people will like and embrace the Good News of the arrival of the little baby Jesus, and how much today they reject all that He came for... He came, because we NEED a Savior... we all have fallen short of what it takes to have eternal life with God... we all deserve to spend eternity forever separated from Him, in a place called hell...

those people forget that in order to claim Him as our Savior we also have to accept Him and bow before Him as our Lord...
He has revealed Himself and His plan in His Word... and no... we have not evolved beyond what He put together for eternity..
His commands still are as true as they were 2000 or more years ago... all of it.....

when 22 1/2 years ago He finally opened my eyes one thing was absolutely clear to me right away ... there is no place for "Cafeteria Christianity"... you cannot pick and choose what you would like to believe is true... it either is all true or none of it is...

so this Christmas... as my mother is able to see clearly... let's marvel at who He really is, Jesus, Emmanuel, Mighty God, Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace and let us OBEY Him !!

joy???? seeing through the lenses of the loss....

" We as the older women need to..."... some well meaning lady said to me a little while ago...

and all I could think was :"what?????  older women????" "speak for yourself, lady, I am not old"....

or am I?

my mother, after her mother had passed away said to me that this meant, amongst other things,  that she was now the next in line to go... right.. so, now that my mother has passed away I am the next in line....

I am someone who has children that could be mothers, someone who doesn't have a mother anymore and so, I guess, I most definitely might be moving into that category... older women...

can we maybe call it more mature... wiser... a little more seasoned.. please :)

ok.. it doesn't matter really, because the truth is, as we walk through this life, as we are encountering different issues and trials we do become seasoned... scarred ... it seems as we age and mature sorrows are added... I know from my own experience that they are not drowning out my joy, since this joy is not rooted in my circumstances but rather in my relationship with my Savior and my Heavenly Father... through what He did for me on the cross... but sorrows are added, a profound sadness does come with living in a broken world..

I know that I am extremely blessed to not have had to add many sorrows early on in my life.. but I have been scarred quite a bit.. through my own choices, the choices of others and just plain life..

I have heard things like "when your mother dies your life will be forever altered.. experiences will be classified in before that day and after..."

I am not sure I really feel that way but I figured something out... I most definitely see life through the lenses of this loss... my point of view has changed... I know how life goes on without someone as important as a mother..

maybe that's why I can't really live life the same anymore... there is not one situation I encounter, nice or not so nice that is not somehow thought about through the lenses of the fact that my mother is not there anymore..

things she would have liked, like a beautiful sunset, a new pillow for my living room- she would have loved to see at least a picture of it- a new thought or breakthrough... some knowledge or wisdom gained, 

things she would have had compassion for, things she would not have liked, even the things she would have gotten angry about.. I see them, I experience them and I see it through what my mother would have said or felt about them... so she is always on my mind.. and with it the sadness, the reality of being separated, even if it is only for a time, until I will join her in Heaven...

sorrow and joy, sadness and blessing, gratitude and suffering...

all of those are part of our lives, and, they can be, or maybe even should be, happening at the same time..

blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ..

joy even though it is inexpressible and glorious , given to me by God Himself, given to me in abundance still does not cancel out my grief and my sadness.

His comfort is what allows for joy amidst the sadness, the loss and the grief...

His comfort, His arms tightly wrapped around me, His love and caring and mercy and grace.. that's what allows for the joy not to be drowned out...

He lifts me out of the fog of the deep wound inflicted by a loved one ripped away through death.. so I can fix my eyes on the truth that she is indeed where I know without a shadow of a doubt I will go.. 

and my sorrow, even though still so very real in every moment of my existence here, is not taking away my gratitude for her salvation, so late in her life, my thankfulness for the love we shared, for even the hard times we had together, for how blessed I am to have had a mother like her.

so what do I do with this.. two things I think..

1. I am more aware of how precious my loved ones are. how precious the time I have with them is. I am more intentional about it, and..

2. I do have to choose to keep my eyes fixed on what is eternal, because, if I didn't quite understand it before, I do understand it better now... what is seen is temporal, it WILL COME TO AN END... what is unseen however is eternal... never ending.. 

my heart once again is filled with awe and such gratitude, it cannot be contained... what He did for me.. and my mother.. is PRICELESS..... instead of spending eternity forever separated from His love, I will get to spend it with Him... and my Mama..

listening to Christmas music already this is what comes to mind:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: I will give my heart.

serving Him with thankfulness, blessed to have been set apart with a purpose for a purpose..

Your will be done!