..my broken heart is part of your plan.....

it is 11:pm.... one hour before my birthday ... in this time zone this is... I was born in Kehl am Rhein in Germany...
it's my birthday there already.. thing is, I am not quite sure when exactly I was born and now I can't ask my mother anymore..
this is the first birthday for me to not at least talk to the woman who gave birth to me...

birthdays are a big deal in my family... my parents were amazing at getting us all hyped up days before the birthday....
early in the morning my mother would come into my room and wake me up... lots of love, kisses and hugs and then came the big moment....


the birthday table had been set the night before, now the cake was put out and the candles were lit... finally allowed to enter the room there it all was... presents and cards and cake, candles and candy all beautifully decorated ...
the breakfast table had porcelain roses around the birthday child's plate... more candles and obviously we had cake for breakfast...






I have had the privilege to pass on this beautiful tradition to my 3 wonderful daughters...




... today will not only be the first time I won't hear my mother's voice on my birthday, it will also be the first time none of my children will be with me ....

watching the slide show I made of pictures of my mother just now I have grieved this loss all over again... then I watched the slide show of pictures of those cute children of mine...

once again I am experiencing sadness and joy all at once..
sadness for what will be a hard first in the "life after April 20, 2016" the day my mother left behind her earthly body, ravaged by cancer, to enter her eternal home, the room Jesus had prepared for her in His mansion... and a deep joy because of all the memories I have of the mother she was to me..

sadness that I won't see my children, but gratitude and joy that the Sovereign God of the universe saw fit to allow me to be mother to these girls... how many memories we have and God willing will continue to make..

in the sadness of the last 9 months this song has been a great comfort to me....

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am NOT

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

Thy will be done

I am thankful that His will is done... I am thankful that in His Sovereignty He chose us before the beginning of the world to be His children and that He has indeed numbered our days..

I am thankful that in His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ .. I am thankful and I am counting it all joy that now for a little while I am, like all His children, suffering grief in all kinds of trials.. these have come so that my faith, of greater worth than gold  ( which perishes even though refined by fire ) may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I am feeling the loss and the sadness, I am lost as to how to deal with it still at times yet still I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is right... I know that my broken heart is a part of His plan...that as I have traveled from heart break to heart break I have tasted that the Lord is good... I have learned to trust... that He gets it right every time.. that He is God and I am NOT....

I am seeing the goodness He has in store for me even now, having relied on Him for all my needs I know that He has never let me down...instead He continues to bless me beyond anything I could ever ask for or imagine.....

so I am rejoicing in how rich in a deep and meaningful way life with Him is....

so blessed by my Father in Heaven who IS a good, good father...His mercies are new every morning and He will be there for me tomorrow and every day....

May He be glorified in all that I ever do or say.

Amen