.. God's refuge is not from suffering.. say what?

one of the things that changed in my life because of the " big change" ( the break down / up of my marriage) was that I, who would have never ever thought I would ever ever do that, got a tattoo...

in the meantime I have a few..

the second one I got is on my right foot... it's quite beautiful or so I think anyways, I love it especially because it makes me sing every time I lay eyes on it.. ( I know, I am a bit crazy )

"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"...

I love this song, I love this Psalm, I love the Psalms, I love the Word.. it is, as it promises, a light unto my path..


today was such a roller coaster kind of a day.. got the news my mother was in the hospital again, pneumonia again ( I guess lung cancer does not help with the health of one's lungs ) ,  called her today and found some other distressing stuff out about my family.. nothing new, yet sad nonetheless... again, nothing I can do but pray..
my little one taking off tonight, back to Europe, not sure if I will be able to visit her this semester or not.. depending on the whole immigration situation that,  lets just say is a bit complicated..
got a text that something looked like it finally worked out.. just for it to be the total and utterly depressing opposite..
to top it all off there was some trouble in paradise later on in the day.. and as much as I know that God has healed many of the wounds of the rejection and hurt my new husband and I both experienced when our marriages broke up, we are both extremely vulnerable still.. not that easy...

I guess Satan had it in for us today.. even more than he usually does..

so sad and lost and broken up, all I could do was ask the Lord what it was that He wanted from me?
what it was I was missing? what it was that I had to do differently?

then it dawned on me.. not to say that I have arrived, far from it, not to say that I am doing it all right.. but.. it's not about that.

there is no more drawing closer, asking for more wisdom, memorizing more scripture, praying more, studying and meditating more.. yes, there will be a growing of the fruit of the Spirit over time and God will continue the good work of making me more like Him He started 21 years ago... and yet..
( and in a moment like this I find this even more heartbreaking )
there is NO escaping suffering ...

it kills me in moments like these because it makes me see that I do quite like to live believing that I can finally figure it out and tell my kids how to do it..

and again, I know that chains have been broken, generational sin is not being handed down, all thanks to Jesus, but.. this remains the truth: "in this world you will have trouble "..

read this tonight by Elizabeth Elliott: God's refuge for His people is not from suffering and death, but from final and ultimate defeat.. and this one: God did not exercise His omnipotence to deliver Jesus from the cross, nor will He exercise it to deliver us from tribulations..

shucks.. I do not like this at all, especially when the suffering seems so unbearable...

makes me think of a day in September 2001.. the day the Women's Bible study at my church started again, it was 2 days after September 11.. I remember asking one of the staff members to talk to the women about what had happened on that day... this was  my first year of heading this up and I felt inadequate to find the right words for such a tragic event.

all I remember was that this amazing woman of God shared with us one scripture .. this is what it says:

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom.

To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Timothy 4: 18

and yes, He will comfort us, He does hear our cries.. sometimes He rescues us right out of the situation.. sometimes all gets better and resolved... but sometimes, that's just what it is.. 

so.. as much as the pain wants me to try and escape.. as much as I for sure do not want my girls to have to go through pain like this, He alone knows why He allows this all......

all I can do is crawl right back into His arms... let Him apply His healing touch and trust Him.. for the  good the bad and the utterly painful...

tears. they are just part of life. until we finally get to that place where there will be none of this anymore.. and that's where He will bring us... safely.

and for that I am thankful, even in the midst of the hurt.