written yesterday.. somewhere over the Atlantic ocean:
on the plane, once again, 3rd trip to Europe in 5 months.
those that know me know that I do not like flying overseas.
my vertigo, being that high up gives me headaches for days, the inability to sleep at all on the way to Europe, all this makes me to rather not want to go on these trips if I can avoid it.
been there, seen it all, and if I never go back there again, it is ok with me.
3 times in 5 months.
aging and sick parents living on the other side of the ocean will do that.
add the stress of all that and this is how I am feeling today on my trip home.
I can’t stop crying. feeling raw. just too much has happened in the last 5 weeks.
holding it all in and being strong for everyone involved while navigating the sicknesses and all the consequences of allowing bitterness to take root.. toxic might be the right word to describe the atmosphere… it’s all coming to the surface now.
deep sadness.
loss. future loss looming. complicated circumstances. parents becoming the kids, yet fighting the help every step of the way.
nothing can prepare one for the pain that comes with seeing your parents suffer so.
cancer? I abhor it. chemo drugs? I hate them. listening to your mother whimpering in her bed? that’s the worst.
temperaments apparently unharmed by all this still blowing up.. and tada. we find ourselves in the ER.
real fear wants to take hold. this can happen again at any given time.
there is nothing at all I can do to prevent this.
when my kids were young. there were things I could do. “put a hat on, it is cold outside”. “take your vitamins.” “eat your salad”. being around them always, nursing them back to health, keeping them safe and guiding them.
my parents. they live 6000km away. they won’t take their meds, even when reminded if they don’t want to. for the last 50+ years they were calling the shots and they are not about to listen to their child :O
trying to set up some way for them to be taken care of more. not easy. not easy at all.
so. where does God come into this picture.. well. He is always right there in the picture. even in the moments when it is hard to realize it.
a very caring and nice Dr for my Dad. helpful in making the next step on his journey to rehabilitation from his recent near death incident happen. caring nurses. a friend of the family living nearby his hospital. taking the time to visit him each day when none of our family was able to be there.
another very dear friend going to see my mother at her cancer clinic.. her next treatment starts in a few days.
prayers answered when my mother’s high blood pressure that night brought us to the ER… this time greater danger was averted. all thanks to God.
moments of prayer calming her right down. scriptures read to her giving her some peace.
praying and praying and praying for better care solutions. for health. for this cancer to be defeated. for peace no matter the circumstances. for miracles. for MERCY…….
being so far away. there is so much for me to learn. again.
trusting God that when we try our best He will take care of the rest.
He is in control. no plan of His can be thwarted.
I might have felt I had more control bringing up my kids.. truth is. not really. it was His care and protection and guidance and SOVEREIGNTY…
all our days are numbered. they have been written in the book of life even before any of them came to be. that is true for the believer and the non believer.
choices made every day have consequences. I cannot undo that. God can.
He is, like always, our only hope. again. true for those that believe and for those that do not.
they just don’t know it…..
leaving them. only possible because I believe that I do leave them in the more than capable hands of my Father in Heaven, who over the last 10 days has given me the ability to do what I could do. I can, until I return, trust Him for them.
seems like there are going to be a lot more of those dreaded overseas flights in my future.
well. He is more than able to work that out for me too.
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