..my broken heart is part of your plan.....

it is 11:pm.... one hour before my birthday ... in this time zone this is... I was born in Kehl am Rhein in Germany...
it's my birthday there already.. thing is, I am not quite sure when exactly I was born and now I can't ask my mother anymore..
this is the first birthday for me to not at least talk to the woman who gave birth to me...

birthdays are a big deal in my family... my parents were amazing at getting us all hyped up days before the birthday....
early in the morning my mother would come into my room and wake me up... lots of love, kisses and hugs and then came the big moment....


the birthday table had been set the night before, now the cake was put out and the candles were lit... finally allowed to enter the room there it all was... presents and cards and cake, candles and candy all beautifully decorated ...
the breakfast table had porcelain roses around the birthday child's plate... more candles and obviously we had cake for breakfast...






I have had the privilege to pass on this beautiful tradition to my 3 wonderful daughters...




... today will not only be the first time I won't hear my mother's voice on my birthday, it will also be the first time none of my children will be with me ....

watching the slide show I made of pictures of my mother just now I have grieved this loss all over again... then I watched the slide show of pictures of those cute children of mine...

once again I am experiencing sadness and joy all at once..
sadness for what will be a hard first in the "life after April 20, 2016" the day my mother left behind her earthly body, ravaged by cancer, to enter her eternal home, the room Jesus had prepared for her in His mansion... and a deep joy because of all the memories I have of the mother she was to me..

sadness that I won't see my children, but gratitude and joy that the Sovereign God of the universe saw fit to allow me to be mother to these girls... how many memories we have and God willing will continue to make..

in the sadness of the last 9 months this song has been a great comfort to me....

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am NOT

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

Thy will be done

I am thankful that His will is done... I am thankful that in His Sovereignty He chose us before the beginning of the world to be His children and that He has indeed numbered our days..

I am thankful that in His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ .. I am thankful and I am counting it all joy that now for a little while I am, like all His children, suffering grief in all kinds of trials.. these have come so that my faith, of greater worth than gold  ( which perishes even though refined by fire ) may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I am feeling the loss and the sadness, I am lost as to how to deal with it still at times yet still I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is right... I know that my broken heart is a part of His plan...that as I have traveled from heart break to heart break I have tasted that the Lord is good... I have learned to trust... that He gets it right every time.. that He is God and I am NOT....

I am seeing the goodness He has in store for me even now, having relied on Him for all my needs I know that He has never let me down...instead He continues to bless me beyond anything I could ever ask for or imagine.....

so I am rejoicing in how rich in a deep and meaningful way life with Him is....

so blessed by my Father in Heaven who IS a good, good father...His mercies are new every morning and He will be there for me tomorrow and every day....

May He be glorified in all that I ever do or say.

Amen

riding out your life's tsunami???????

up since 3:30.. don't ask me why, lots of time to read, pray and memorize scripture before getting up at 7... lot's of time to think about many things and contemplate what is happening in my soul / heart/ life / mind..

listening to a song from long ago a little later, on repeat, as I am out driving doing errands for my beloved husband, these are the lyrics:

Be still for the presence of the Lord

 The Holy One is here

 Come bow before Him now

 With reverence and fear

 In Him no sin is found

 We stand on holy ground

 Be still for the presence of the Lord

 The Holy One is here

 Be still for the glory of the Lord

 Is shining all around

 He burns with holy fire

 With splendor He is crowned

 How awesome is the sight

 Our radiant King of light

 Be still for the glory of the Lord

 Is shining all around

 Be still for the power of the Lord

 Is moving in this place

 He comes to cleanse and heal

 To minister His grace

 No work too hard for Him

 In faith receive from Him

 Be still for the power of the Lord

 Is moving in this place

listening to this song because that's the one I chose for the slideshow of pictures I made for my mother... or I should say in memory of her... 

thinking about one of the scriptures I memorized last week and practiced this morning :

Therefore let those that are suffering ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL... entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.... ( 1 Peter 4:19 )

home again, looking at the memories from a year ago today, this is what I found:

Sometimes God allows all our anchors to break —- so we know the only unbreakable anchor we have is Him

Overwhelming waves can carry you into the open arms and overwhelming love of God

When God raises the winds and lifts the waves — you can always trust His hand to lift you higher — further up into Himself

and... this:

In his sovereign watch-care, the all-good, all-wise God decides when his children will suffer for doing good ........  1. Peter 3:17  His eyes are on us!

I guess it's a theme... the life of a follower of Christ... always being refined, always suffering in some way.. because He, who called us out of darkness into His marvelous light is faithful and is all about making us more holy... because He is holy...

last year on this day, my mother was in the hospital in Switzerland suffering from pneumonia, also suffering from lung cancer that was spreading and a heart that was about to give out, family dysfunction was lived out over there and it was communicated to me, over here.. immigration complications, or should I say the absence of documents to begin the process that should have been there long ago, had me stuck, not able to be there for her.... loneliness in this new place, trying to find meaningful connections to fellow believers....

so, suffering, ok, in this world you will have trouble... but suffering according to God's will???

like suffering in a marriage and no way out? still doing good...

like suffering from a disease and ultimately losing the fight against it...  ( He takes us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom ... )

like slain int the shadow of the Almighty... say what?????

like being killed while reaching out to people to share the Good News...

like everything being so overwhelming, the waves being so high,  there is no standing up under them... there is just no way you can fight the battles by yourself... no way to control the situation....

tossed about and carried right into the arms of Almighty God... 

finding refuge in His shadow...

closeness like never before... and the winds and waves are still raging against the ROCK... but HE can handle it and we are safe...

suffering according to God's will...

His good and perfect will..

His plan, which prospers and doesn't harm..

His power perfect in my weakness,

in my loss, in my inability to change one single thing,

just looking to Him for EVERYTHING...

receiving it all and MORE

His unfailing, overwhelming, eternal, steadfast love..

sacred and gentle and sweet... just like He is...

there is nothing else we need...

just be still.... because the presence, the glory AND the power of the Lord is right here...

He will never leave or forsake..

AMEN

... when He has tested me I will come forth as gold...

The new addition to our family, our 3 months old puppy Molly is the reason I am up early on this first day of 2017...
Sitting in my chair next to the beautifully lit Christmas tree ( and yes, my Christmas decorations will not come down for a while yet) a soft blankie keeping me warm and my little puppy curled up on my legs, I  have been spending some time with my best friend this morning...

all day yesterday or maybe I should say the last 2 days since the last of my daughters departed, I have been reflecting and I have been a little sad..

I am not sure why it hits me more now than it did during Christmas with it's traditions and memories... I guess maybe because it was busy and my children who I miss most of the year were here with me... so, now that they have left and the old year was coming to an end... the reflecting and with it the sadness have been flooding my thoughts and my heart...

I am a very grateful follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, in His great mercy and grace He has seen fit to open my eyes one Sunday morning in June of 1994... finally done searching for purpose and ultimately Him, my Saviour, I have been spending the last 22 1/2 years to get to know Him more, to trust Him and obey Him, in His strength and by His amazing grace... walking with Him through this life I have encountered a lot of suffering and many trials.. some of which are ongoing... I understand why He allows them and I am submitting to His Will, His total Sovereignty..

"re-memorizing" 1 Peter I am reminded that I rejoice in suffering grief in all kinds of trials because through them my faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved  genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed..

grief in all kinds of trials... like when the person that just by the fact that she was the one whose heartbeat I heard from the inside, always was ( even when I was not aware of that anymore ) at least one of the most important in my life, suddenly wasn't with us anymore.. that this heart just stopped beating and I wasn't even there with her... that kind of grief that is something I just can't get beyond.. get my head around... it, like any other grief, like seeing loved ones suffer and walk away from the Lord more and more, like seeing the wicked prosper and facing the prospect of real loss in some very significant way.... that grief is there to when I have stood the test make my faith come forth as gold...

grief and trials are messy... and I know that there is a lot more of this around and that some people have had to suffer a lot more grief than I have... and all we have, and that is such an amazing gift, is to remember who He is that is walking through all the sadness and the messiness with us.. it is He who not only came down to earth as a little baby to offer Himself as the spotless lamb, to pay for our sins once and for all, He also promised to never leave us or forsake us... He is the One who understands our grief and difficulty like no one else.. He is the One who holds on to us when we don't even have the strength to hold on to Him... He is the One who will bring us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom when our last heart beat here on earth is used up...

He has promised us comfort, peace and rest here with Him, always available to us... getting it we just have to believe and surrender our feeble attempts to control what was never ours to control to begin with...
the last year had some significant grief and trials.. and next year might very well be as bad or worse... but this is what life is... heartaches and losses are what we can expect... in it all, He is steadfast and faithful and He ( and that I know for a fact ) rejoices over each one of us who know Him with singing... He quiets us with His love and He is indeed mighty to save us ....

thanking Him for His constant attention to every detail of my messy life, I can relax and leave it all up to Him while enjoying the peace that totally surpasses all I could ever dream up.. I sink into His embrace and tenderly put my head on His shoulder, right where I can hear His heartbeat ... and I know that I am His daughter and I am loved...