... sharing in His sufferings..

meeting with my "little" small group last week, sharing with them what God has been revealing to me over the last few rather trying weeks this is what transpired:

sometimes we have to realize that what is going on is "just" us sharing in Christ's suffering.. ( which we should expect and which is a good thing )

this is the scripture that comes to mind:

The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,  and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:16-18 ESV

have known this verse for some time and that is how God , my Father, could remind me of it.. have known it in a different version though, and here just one little word is a bit different.. 

yet does it ever make a HUGE difference..

it's the word "provided"..

sounds to me here that if we are not sharing in the suffering we might not be God's children / co-heirs with Christ???????

Ha.. that's interesting.

so far I looked at this that there was a potential for this to happen

that it should be something we actually invite, willingly accept 

because it allows us to know Christ even better

to know Him in His suffering.. at least to some extend..

never figured out that.. we are children of God, The Holy Spirit testifying to our spirit.. that we are PROVIDED... if we indeed... share in His suffering  

this is big.. this is important and this is going to help me immensely ..

I have learned to accept the suffering and trials in my life as something that the Sovereign God of the Universe because of His purposeful goodness allows

I have learned to accept them as part of "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world".. my Jesus telling us what to expect..

I have learned that in the trial He refines me, makes me more like Him

I have learned that in the trial I learn to trust Him more,

rely on Him more, know Him more, love Him more

but that.. that's new to me.. 

if I am a child of God I WILL FOR SURE also share in His suffering..

provided... what a word.. ha.. never a dull moment with my Jesus.

gotta love Him <3

..be still. and know. He IS God.

it's been a rough last 1 1/2 months.. rougher than other times.. more tears and more heartache.

on so many different levels. leaving my insides kind of raw. tired. worn.

scripture shared by a beloved, kindred spirit. a faithful friend.

No longer will Jacob be ashamed;

    no longer will their faces grow pale.

When they see among them their children,

    the work of my hands,

they will keep my name holy;

    they will acknowledge the holiness of the Holy One of Jacob,

    and will stand in awe of the God of Israel.

 Those who are wayward in spirit will gain understanding;

    those who complain will accept instruction.

prayers of many many years. not answered. yet. 

opposition and persecution. reality in the life of a Christ follower. slowly taking one step at a time. tired steps. but steps. strength received and blessing despite the sadness.

soul crushed. frail. torn.

willful disobedience and rebelliousness. pride. the source of all sin and evil.

taking it all. quietly. endurance. perseverance. character. hope.

a hope that does not disappoint. because it is in Christ. 

the One through whom all things are made and for whom everything is made.

sovereignty. purposeful goodness. a plan. to prosper. not to harm. plans for a hope and a future.

for me? tomorrow? today? or later. not just for me. maybe a lot later. the bigger plan.

the tapestry. to be seen when finally, eternally with Him, from whom all blessings flow.

today? strength for that next step. breathing. be still. and know. He IS God.

faith. believing in what you CANNOT see.. believing because you know that you know that you know.

He is who He says He is.

I am His. undeserved. not alone. never.

carried. held.

one day.

they will stand in awe and accept instruction. 

they will call Him HOLY.. and bow their knees.

in His time. all things will be beautiful.

those that love Him. will see it. the front of the tapestry.

let me see redemption win.

please.

..you are the light in my troubled sea...

written yesterday.. somewhere over the Atlantic ocean:

on the plane, once again, 3rd trip to Europe in 5 months.
those that know me know that I do not like flying overseas.
my vertigo, being that high up gives me headaches for days, the inability to sleep at all on the way to Europe, all this makes me to rather not want to go on these trips if I can avoid it.
been there, seen it all, and if I never go back there again, it is ok with me.

3 times in 5 months.
aging and sick parents living on the other side of the ocean will do that.
add the stress of all that and this is how I am feeling today on my trip home.

I can’t stop crying. feeling raw. just too much has happened in the last 5 weeks.
holding it all in and being strong for everyone involved while navigating the sicknesses and all the consequences of allowing bitterness to take root.. toxic might be the right word to describe the atmosphere… it’s all coming to the surface now.

deep sadness.
loss. future loss looming. complicated circumstances. parents becoming the kids, yet fighting the help every step of the way.

nothing can prepare one for the pain that comes with seeing your parents suffer so.
cancer? I abhor it. chemo drugs? I hate them. listening to your mother whimpering in her bed? that’s the worst.

temperaments apparently unharmed by all this still blowing up.. and tada. we find ourselves in the ER.
real fear wants to take hold. this can happen again at any given time.
there is nothing at all I can do to prevent this.

when my kids were young. there were things I could do. “put a hat on, it is cold outside”. “take your vitamins.” “eat your salad”. being around them always, nursing them back to health, keeping them safe and guiding them.

my parents. they live 6000km away. they won’t take their meds, even when reminded if they don’t want to. for the last 50+ years they were calling the shots and they are not about to listen to their child :O

trying to set up some way for them to be taken care of more. not easy. not easy at all.

so. where does God come into this picture.. well. He is always right there in the picture. even in the moments when it is hard to realize it.

a very caring and nice Dr for my Dad. helpful in making the next step on his journey to rehabilitation from his recent near death incident happen. caring nurses. a friend of the family living nearby his hospital. taking the time to visit him each day when none of our family was able to be there.
another very dear friend going to see my mother at her cancer clinic.. her next treatment starts in a few days.

prayers answered when my mother’s high blood pressure that night brought us to the ER… this time greater danger was averted. all thanks to God.

moments of prayer calming her right down. scriptures read to her giving her some peace.
praying and praying and praying for better care solutions. for health. for this cancer to be defeated. for peace no matter the circumstances. for miracles. for MERCY…….

being so far away. there is so much for me to learn. again.
trusting God that when we try our best He will take care of the rest.
He is in control. no plan of His can be thwarted.
I might have felt I had more control bringing up my kids.. truth is. not really. it was His care and protection and guidance and SOVEREIGNTY…

all our days are numbered. they have been written in the book of life even before any of them came to be. that is true for the believer and the non believer.
choices made every day have consequences. I cannot undo that. God can.
He is, like always, our only hope. again. true for those that believe and for those that do not.
they just don’t know it…..

leaving them. only possible because I believe that I do leave them in the more than capable hands of my Father in Heaven, who over the last 10 days has given me the ability to do what I could do. I can, until I return, trust Him for them.

seems like there are going to be a lot more of those dreaded overseas flights in my future.
well. He is more than able to work that out for me too.

.. wandering the road of desperate life...

there is not much going on in my heart right now.

it's an eerie feeling almost.

numb from loss and exhaustion.

seemingly stuck in a darkness that is not my own.

scriptures given by caring sisters in Christ all I can make out.

so I hold on to those.

thankful that He has given me such a black and white mind.

"if He says so, it is so" 

no ifs or buts

able to stand on this because of the faith He has given me.

does this feel nice right now?

no. obviously not.

am I sad? yes, very.

is God who He says He is.. no matter what happens?

YES... obviously!

one of the scriptures:

The Lord will guide you always;

    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

    and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

    like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11

sun-scorched.. cancer and chemo.. confusion and aggression.. loss and shock.. yup, I think that qualifies.. 

sun-scorched.. thirst... exhaustion.. both physically and emotionally.. that's how it feels..

so, He says He will satisfy my needs.. and guide me.. strengthen me.. and, not only does He do that, but as He does He turns me into a well-watered garden.. ha.. sun-scorched <---> well-watered.... 

with unfailing supply of all that I need.. 

reading these verses in context I can glean even more truth.

there are consequences to walking away and turning from the Lord ..

pursuing our own selfish goals.

crying out while disobeying Him, it's not always going to work.

going on sinning, stubbornly, and expecting blessings... not happening.

God, in His infinite mercy always works everything ( even our bad choices ) for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.... without removing the consequences though.. always about teaching us and making us more like Him, for our good and His glory.. 

the promise. it's for His people, those that abide in Him ( always by His strength and grace and not my own.. surrendering and trusting ) 

it's not "name it and claim it".... it's grateful acceptance of circumstances, allowed by a Sovereign God, relying on Him and desiring to please Him.. because He first loved us.. 

Blessed in the midst of the storm and the darkness because I know Him.. He is my Abba Father, my Daddy and He always has my best interest in mind. 

walking through a sun-scorched land?

wading through the muck of consequences of a life lived without Him?

yes, but never alone.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8