Shout your sins from the rooftops.... say what?????

over the last few days I have been hearing something from my best friend, Jesus that is, He has been telling me I need to shout my sins from the rooftops....
living in an atmosphere of what seems to me a bit more judgemental ... I believe He wants me to be real and authentic and share the bad and the ugly
and I do not have a problem with that at all!


I am 53 years old.
my first 28 years I lived in Germany.
the next 23 years I lived in Canada.
the last 2 years and a bit I have been living in West Michigan.



the first 30 years of my life I was what I came to understand to be a "nominal" Christian ( someone who by association / tradition believes in God / Jesus etc. but has not personally encountered the Saviour )
the last 23 years and 5 months I have been walking in close fellowship with Him, who gave His life to save me, have been committed to becoming more and more who He wants me to be and spurned on by the gratitude for what He has done for me, I have chosen to stand firm on the truth He has been and continues to reveal to me through His Word.

one of the ways this works itself out in my life is that I have not hidden anything from those around me. having been accepted and forgiven by the God of the Universe I have no reason whatsoever to be too concerned about what others are thinking about me, I do not need to worry about approval of men since I have the only thing that counts already... the approval of God!

in the first 30 years of my life, for the most part trying to live up to moral standards taught to me by my parents and the society I lived in, I, as I later learned sinned quite a bit....

• sex outside marriage
• abortion
• divorce

I could tell you that my father was never around and when he was, he was not interested in me ( and that was the best case scenario )

I could tell you that I was sexually assaulted at age 15
I could tell you that my mother told me to not have sex as early as some of my friends ( as early as 14 ) and I listened, I was 20
I could tell you that I did not know that it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage
I could tell you that I got pregnant the first time I did... and I could tell you that again my beloved mother ( who also didn't understand any different, but thankfully met her Saviour 3 years before she passed away after a long battle with cancer a year and a half ago )  advised me to have an abortion, telling me that my life was just starting and this would never work.
I could tell you about the horrible depression I fell into right after, the guilt I felt for 10 years, the way this made me get married far too young for the worst reasons ( the need for a replacement baby - the need to find out if God would punish me by not being able to have a child )
l could tell you that believing the lie that it would be better for my children to have a peaceful life without their father than by being in a family that wasn't working, was what informed my decision to leave my husband....
I could tell you that I didn't know that God hated divorce


all those things are true.
all those things are still my sins.

coming to Canada after my first attempt at grown-up life had failed, I met and in a matter of 3 months moved in with my new boyfriend, who, again, couldn't meet my needs, no surprises here, as I couldn't meet his, in my desperation I started praying to God to reveal Himself to me... I prayed every day for 6 months.. I remember exactly what I kept saying to Him... "there has to be more to you, to this life than this, than all I had learned about you in religious classes at school and catechism classes "( yes, I had to take those to be confirmed in the Lutheran church )

searching for Him in all the wrong places I am thankful that He never let me be satisfied with any of the counterfeit stuff like astrology, new age and other religions...

so then, when in June of 1994 he directed me to go to church with our neighbours and I heard the gospel preached for the very first time, I couldn't stop crying and the overwhelming joy of meeting Him and realizing what He had done for me has never left me since.

I got involved in Small group right away and a few months later I lead my first Bible Study... I have served in all kinds of different ministries, have been a Women's Ministry director, a Biblical Counselor, the Director of a Pregnancy Center, Adult Sunday School coordinator, Worship team singer, Mission team member and so much more.

God blessed me with a church family that loved me and when my second husband left me, supported me and showed me the love of Christ.
I was blessed by Elders and staff that cheered me on and made it possible for me to follow the calling God gave me to open a Pregnancy Center ... sharing my testimony about my abortion in front of my whole church at our Grand Opening was something I felt I could do, since God asked me to, and, believe it or not, had forgiven me for....

I did not choose my family. I did not choose my circumstances. the culture I was born into.
but I did choose to sin.

my sins nailed Jesus to the cross
my "big" sins and my "small" sins...
He paid for them all

I wish I didn't have made those choices, but I know also that because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner in desperate NEED of a SAVIOUR, I am in a great place.
I know that I cannot live my life in any way that is pleasing to Him without Him being the One who does that through me.
I know that I am depending on Him for EVERYTHING.
I know that I am not contributing anything.
I am eternally grateful for His forgiveness and the new life He has given me.
I am relying on Him for all that I need
and I love Him, so much, that I do not even know what to do with it at times
I love Him so much that doing the hard stuff, the forgiving and loving anyways is a no brainer for me.
I am thankful that what I and others in my life meant for evil , He from the beginning of the world meant for good and that He in His most wonderful sovereignty is working it all out for HIS GLORY..
and, ultimately even for my best.

I don't deserve Him, and what He did for me and that's why this is my life motto:

SOLI DEO GLORIA

ABSORB... breaking the cycle of pain and dysfunction

oh how much I love Him... my Jesus that is..

He is my King and my friend, my brother and my Father... the lover of my soul...

what a wonderful name it is, the name of Jesus Christ my King..
NOTHING compares to this... and NOTHING can stand against...


one of the things I love the most about Him is that He is so faithfully committed to teach me and make me more like Him until He takes me home..
He will bring to completion the good work He started in me ... no matter how much I might resist, kicking and screaming, or how dense and slow I might be.. blows me away.. so thankful..

ok, so here is the newest revelation... the newest thing He has impressed on me...

it all starts out with the word "absorb"....

 "To drink in; to suck up; to imbibe; as a spunge, or as the lacteals of the body."  ( Merriam-Webster Dictionary from 1828 )

(as a sponge, ha,... does the sponge have a choice I am wondering, and no, obviously not..)

as I have been spending time with both my father and shortly after that with my daughters, this word just kept on popping into my mind..

absorbing, like a sponge, what is happening around me, the good and the bad...
the good intentionally, storing it up in my long time memory, to take with me back to the place where I miss them,
the bad, maybe at first not so willingly, but then, a decision.
to absorb, meaning, it won't go anywhere from me..
I will not retaliate,
deflect,
blame-shift,
manipulate,
control,
... none of that,
no self defense mechanisms...

just absorb...
not in the way it would be done without my Jesus though...
not holding on to it in bitterness..
no, rather I do what my Jesus has done for me,
dying on the cross when He absorbed MY sins, suffering, experiencing pain and separation from the Father, He just took it in, soaked it up... took care of it, once for all... and it cost Him..

and so, if it costs me..
I am soaking up the pain,
the sin
and I forgive...

because I know another thing I can count on..
that's that He has come to heal and bind up the broken-hearted...

I know that the pain inflicted on me will be taken care of by my very best friend..
Jesus, the Healer
He has done it in the past and He has now shown me that I can be intentional. from the moment the pain comes at me.... I can take it in, absorb it, and I don't need to do what I have seen those close to me do, trying to defend themselves, futile attempts that just multiply the hurt and dysfunction..

through losses and pain in my life I have learned that yes, I will walk through life with some sadnesses that won't go away, but if I am filled with the Holy Spirit, my eyes fixed firmly on the One who gave His life so I could have an eternal relationship with Him, love, peace and joy are my constant companions... the fruit of that Spirit inside me, permeating me as I am walking through the pain and sadness..

as I know my Lord more and more and even in His suffering, I hope to break the chain..
the dysfunctional passing on sin and hurt from generation to generation,
it stops right here, as far as it is up to me, I will pursue peace, I will gladly accept the pain and not point it back ... trusting in this:

I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,  BUT showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

the first part of that verse might have been my past, but, thanks to the Lord I do NOT have this to be my reality, my legacy .... the second part is what is available to me ..

and I will praise you Lord for this, from now to eternity..
absorbing hurt, unfair situations and plain evil... because with you I CAN...

... St. Moritz lake and the walk in the Spirit....

walking in the spirit...
the fruit of the spirit...

visiting and looking after my father in Switzerland right now, wanting to have more patience, and joy and peace and love, I decided I should look at what the Bible says about the fruit of the spirit..

as always, I looked not only at the one verse but rather at the few around as well..

wanting to be changed and molded more into the likeness of my Savior Jesus Christ, I decided I should memorize this :)



so here it goes:

 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 

 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,  idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,  envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:16-26

I love memorizing for many reasons... one is that when committing a verse / a passage to memory it so totally makes me meditate on it... and since we are supposed to do that anyways, it really is a great thing to do...

as I read and read it again, I think about it, I mull it over and over and I hear it... I say it out loud and so the Word interacts with the Spirit in me... and it shows me all kinds of things...

the Spirit came to live in me the day the Lord opened my eyes to see Him for who He is... who I am and that He took care of the penalty of my sins.. once and for all... that same Spirit is at work in me, and will not give up on me until I get to move into my eternal home..

so fact is, all the fruit of the Spirit is being grown in me, is fully available to me, and I can be sure that as much as it is up to me to surrender more and more of myself to the Spirit's leading, it's all mine, for my benefit and for God's glory....

so...if I am struggling with any lack of those fruit, I know that I can get them, this is what my Father wants for me.. 

running around yesterday, a more discouraging day for all kinds of different reasons, praying I realized, walking with the Spirit also means walking in grace.. relying on God's grace for all that I am lacking... patience, endurance, peace, JOY.. love, all that...

relying... what does that mean... acting with the assurance that what I am relying on will not let me down.. so I can choose joy even when I don't feel it... I can take one step after another even if I feel I don't have the strength for the next one... He is faithful.. I know it.. 

memorized the first two verses this morning, I am choosing to stand on truth rather than letting my feelings ( and let me tell you there are many being where my mother has always been ) dictate how I feel and act ...

I want to be a good ambassador, a good representative of the One who gave it all for me...

I love Him more than my comfort .. He is worth it, every second of every day...

weak, poor, needy and helpless...

weak, poor and needy. helpless, afraid, anxious and overwhelmed...

today was another one of those days. days we all have.. sometimes more of them, sometimes less.
but we all have them.

living life, walking through troubling times, relying on my Jesus to be there with me at all times, there are still days that are a bit tougher than others..

so today, today was the Pre Trial Conference of .. you guessed it, the upcoming trial.

as I am sitting here, listening to a playlist I made 3 years ago, a playlist that helped me keep my eyes fixed on Him when one of those tidal waves hit, when the reality of what was going on against me, in a situation I have never had any control over that should really not be happening to me but it is, when that reality hit in a big way totally throwing off all my plans...
fear erupted and it would not leave me alone.. until a few weeks into it God so OBVIOUSLY used a scripture to communicate peace to my heart.. I am now facing this to come to a final conclusion.

I might, only by God intervening in a miraculous way, walk away unscathed, or.. which is more likely, will lose my material security..
nevertheless, that peace He spoke into my soul 3 years ago is still there..

He surely is my salvation, I will trust and NOT be afraid. He, the Lord Himself is my strength and my defense and He has indeed become my salvation.

I know that I will not need to fight in this battle, I just have to stand firm, hold my position and see the salvation of the Lord on my behalf.. I do not need to be afraid or dismayed, I just have to go our against them and He will be with me.

see, no matter what the outcome of this trial will be, ultimately He who forms the light and creates the darkness, who brings prosperity and creates disaster, He uses what others have intended for evil for the good of many.... and for His glory....

while this is going on another totally different disaster struck 10 days ago, we are still reeling from this one but again, He, who is sovereign over all creation holds us in the palm of His hand.

in it all He has been teaching me and encouraging me to walk, one step at a time, looking to Him, focusing on truth, the truth that I am indeed a child of the One True King... and nothing, nothing at all can separate me from Him...

looking back I am thankful for Him giving me a new "hobby" through all this, because I needed in order to be sane to memorize those encouraging, full of truth scriptures... and so now, when  everything inside me wants to become one big ball of fear I just turn to His Word.. and memorize some more..

this is the verse I tackled today:

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth! He does not faint or grow weary, his understanding is unsearchable.... :)

there are a few more verses in this passage and I will get those memorized over the next few days...

you see, His Word is sharper than a double edged sword and it comes in and works... it brings the peace that surpasses all understanding and guards my heart and my mind and so I do not need to dissolve into a panic attack...

I know that He is here, He is binding up the broken hearted, He comforts and protects.. in His steadfast love He has compassion on me, His unfailing love for me will never be shaken, nor will His covenant of peace be broken.... EVER...
and... like He did for my Mama, He will bring me safely into His Heavenly Kingdom... on that day that was ordained before time.....

so.... what can men do to me????????
Nothing.
All Praise be to HIM!

grief and sorrow. it's been 351 days

351 days ago a very nice person gave me this orchid ..
this is a picture of it today.
I don't like orchids all that much but this one has brought me joy.
during the last 351 days it has continued to bloom .. some of the blossoms have died and fallen off but there have always been a lot of new ones..

351 days ago was the day I will never forget... I knew that this day was going to be a bad one.
upon arrival in Switzerland the day before my daughter Laura found out that my mother had just gotten so sick that all her medications including the antibiotics meant to fight the latest infection had been discontinued and morphine was given instead.

at 4 in the morning 351 days ago I received a text that the hospital had called at my parents place telling them to come quickly.

it's been 351 days.
351 days. each of those 351 days have had some kind of stark reminder of the new normal that began that day.
the sinking feeling in my stomach, the knowledge that this day was coming closer started about 7 weeks before.
pages filled with medical terms. test results. leaving no doubt that it was going to happen.
much sooner than my small and feeble heart wanted to face this.

I am thankful that until that day I hadn't really experienced it.
the loss of a deeply loved one.
of a most significant person

to be honest, early on in my life already I was afraid of this day.
I remember lying in bed as a child trying to make a deal with God.
I thought it would be better if we all would go at the same time.
I couldn't face the possibility of what has been the reality now for 351 days.

I am sad. and I have learned a lot since this fateful day in April of last year.
I have learned that nothing can prepare you for a loss that huge.
I have learned that there is no getting over it. there is only a living through it.
I am not always thinking about it but I am still thinking about it a lot.
I have learned that there are so many many things I would love to ask her now.
how did she deal with the loss of her mother.. she never talked about it.

I have learned that even though I am a believer, a follower of Christ and His comfort is there for me ALL THE TIME... even though I believe that we all are eternal beings and that my mother is in Heaven with Jesus and I will see her again one day, that I still can't fathom it. dying.
I know that it was never meant to be that way. I know that death only entered after the fall, the first sin in the Garden of Eden, and that this explains why it is so very foreign to me... continues to be so hard and my limited mind just can't handle it.

I just don't know what to do with it.

then I just have to pray for that comfort and peace... and I receive it.
I love more intentionally, all the people I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am so much more aware that my time with them all here is indeed limited.
wasting a second of that time seems foolish.
instead I am intentional about using that time well... investing myself in them by sharing what I know is most important.

I know that fixing my eyes on what is eternal makes more sense than on what is temporal.
I know that even though our outer self is wasting away day by day, yet our inner self is being renewed at the same time.
even the grief and sadness I am feeling right now is light and momentary, compared to the eternal glory it is achieving for me... because the God of all grace has called me, as He has called my mother already, to His eternal glory in Christ.... she has been restored, confirmed, strengthened and established in Him...

my trouble is that I have not seen it yet... I can see only dimly as in a mirror ... but she is seeing it even now, when my heart is weighed down with sorrow over losing her.. for now...
thinking about these things allows me to have hope...

it's been 351 days.

REAL pain... but take heart.. He has OVERCOME

once again reminded of how amazing it is that God, the Creator of the Universe, the Mighty God, that He in His great love for me has allowed trial after trial after trial..

reading a great article yesterday of how through them, the trails, our faith grows... how without them, our faith would shrivel away, like a muscle that is not used...

it's so true.. if things hadn't been that bad in my former marriage, if the pain and the suffering in it and when it fell apart hadn't been that overwhelming..

if the pain inflicted by a absent and cruel, selfish father hadn't been that far reaching and ever present, if there had been no sickness and so many losses...

my faith would not be proven genuine and it wouldn't be as strong as it is..

if fear hadn't been that overwhelming I would have not had to run to Him and hide.. I would not have memorized scripture after scripture after scripture to counter the attacks of the lies targeting my weak areas...

my heart wouldn't have been healed and fortified and taught and ... most of all, I wouldn't know Him as intimately as I do...

and how empty would life be...

my father, in ICU, recovering from hip replacement surgery is facing real pain and suffering now that the pain medication that made it look so easy is being reduced and he feels that a big chunk of bones has been cut out of his body and some other artificial piece has been put in....

think of how violent an act that is... and obviously there has to be REAL pain... for a long time...


made me think of how thankful I am that even physically my loving father in heaven has allowed me to get acquainted with pain early on in my life... walking through this throughout my life I have learned to endure... to accept it as part of my life and to surrender to the reality of it...
I have learned who to lean on when pain is happening, physically and emotionally ....

in this world you will have trouble - pain- loss- heartache- but take heart, be of good cheer... for He, who chose to suffer so I would be forgiven and my relationship with Him restored, He, He most definitely has overcome the world.....

so as much as my adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour... I am, by what He, my Savior has done,  able to resist, to stand firm, to fix my eyes on Him, being comforted that He is indeed in control of all of this and that He will give me all I need, and ... and that's the best part... will take me safely to His heavenly Kingdom, where I will see clearly what I can only see dimly now, as in a mirror....

to Him be all glory, honor and praise forever and ever AMEN

..my broken heart is part of your plan.....

it is 11:pm.... one hour before my birthday ... in this time zone this is... I was born in Kehl am Rhein in Germany...
it's my birthday there already.. thing is, I am not quite sure when exactly I was born and now I can't ask my mother anymore..
this is the first birthday for me to not at least talk to the woman who gave birth to me...

birthdays are a big deal in my family... my parents were amazing at getting us all hyped up days before the birthday....
early in the morning my mother would come into my room and wake me up... lots of love, kisses and hugs and then came the big moment....


the birthday table had been set the night before, now the cake was put out and the candles were lit... finally allowed to enter the room there it all was... presents and cards and cake, candles and candy all beautifully decorated ...
the breakfast table had porcelain roses around the birthday child's plate... more candles and obviously we had cake for breakfast...






I have had the privilege to pass on this beautiful tradition to my 3 wonderful daughters...




... today will not only be the first time I won't hear my mother's voice on my birthday, it will also be the first time none of my children will be with me ....

watching the slide show I made of pictures of my mother just now I have grieved this loss all over again... then I watched the slide show of pictures of those cute children of mine...

once again I am experiencing sadness and joy all at once..
sadness for what will be a hard first in the "life after April 20, 2016" the day my mother left behind her earthly body, ravaged by cancer, to enter her eternal home, the room Jesus had prepared for her in His mansion... and a deep joy because of all the memories I have of the mother she was to me..

sadness that I won't see my children, but gratitude and joy that the Sovereign God of the universe saw fit to allow me to be mother to these girls... how many memories we have and God willing will continue to make..

in the sadness of the last 9 months this song has been a great comfort to me....

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am NOT

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

Thy will be done

I am thankful that His will is done... I am thankful that in His Sovereignty He chose us before the beginning of the world to be His children and that He has indeed numbered our days..

I am thankful that in His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ .. I am thankful and I am counting it all joy that now for a little while I am, like all His children, suffering grief in all kinds of trials.. these have come so that my faith, of greater worth than gold  ( which perishes even though refined by fire ) may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I am feeling the loss and the sadness, I am lost as to how to deal with it still at times yet still I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is right... I know that my broken heart is a part of His plan...that as I have traveled from heart break to heart break I have tasted that the Lord is good... I have learned to trust... that He gets it right every time.. that He is God and I am NOT....

I am seeing the goodness He has in store for me even now, having relied on Him for all my needs I know that He has never let me down...instead He continues to bless me beyond anything I could ever ask for or imagine.....

so I am rejoicing in how rich in a deep and meaningful way life with Him is....

so blessed by my Father in Heaven who IS a good, good father...His mercies are new every morning and He will be there for me tomorrow and every day....

May He be glorified in all that I ever do or say.

Amen