Thursday, April 6, 2017

grief and sorrow. it's been 351 days


351 days ago a very nice person gave me this orchid ..
this is a picture of it today.
I don't like orchids all that much but this one has brought me joy.
during the last 351 days it has continued to bloom .. some of the blossoms have died and fallen off but there have always been a lot of new ones..

351 days ago was the day I will never forget... I knew that this day was going to be a bad one.
upon arrival in Switzerland the day before my daughter Laura found out that my mother had just gotten so sick that all her medications including the antibiotics meant to fight the latest infection had been discontinued and morphine was given instead.

at 4 in the morning 351 days ago I received a text that the hospital had called at my parents place telling them to come quickly.

it's been 351 days.
351 days. each of those 351 days have had some kind of stark reminder of the new normal that began that day.
the sinking feeling in my stomach, the knowledge that this day was coming closer started about 7 weeks before.
pages filled with medical terms. test results. leaving no doubt that it was going to happen.
much sooner than my small and feeble heart wanted to face this.

I am thankful that until that day I hadn't really experienced it.
the loss of a deeply loved one.
of a most significant person

to be honest, early on in my life already I was afraid of this day.
I remember lying in bed as a child trying to make a deal with God.
I thought it would be better if we all would go at the same time.
I couldn't face the possibility of what has been the reality now for 351 days.

I am sad. and I have learned a lot since this fateful day in April of last year.
I have learned that nothing can prepare you for a loss that huge.
I have learned that there is no getting over it. there is only a living through it.
I am not always thinking about it but I am still thinking about it a lot.
I have learned that there are so many many things I would love to ask her now.
how did she deal with the loss of her mother.. she never talked about it.

I have learned that even though I am a believer, a follower of Christ and His comfort is there for me ALL THE TIME... even though I believe that we all are eternal beings and that my mother is in Heaven with Jesus and I will see her again one day, that I still can't fathom it. dying.
I know that it was never meant to be that way. I know that death only entered after the fall, the first sin in the Garden of Eden, and that this explains why it is so very foreign to me... continues to be so hard and my limited mind just can't handle it.

I just don't know what to do with it.

then I just have to pray for that comfort and peace... and I receive it.
I love more intentionally, all the people I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am so much more aware that my time with them all here is indeed limited.
wasting a second of that time seems foolish.
instead I am intentional about using that time well... investing myself in them by sharing what I know is most important.

I know that fixing my eyes on what is eternal makes more sense than on what is temporal.
I know that even though our outer self is wasting away day by day, yet our inner self is being renewed at the same time.
even the grief and sadness I am feeling right now is light and momentary, compared to the eternal glory it is achieving for me... because the God of all grace has called me, as He has called my mother already, to His eternal glory in Christ.... she has been restored, confirmed, strengthened and established in Him...

my trouble is that I have not seen it yet... I can see only dimly as in a mirror ... but she is seeing it even now, when my heart is weighed down with sorrow over losing her.. for now...
thinking about these things allows me to have hope...

it's been 351 days.