living in an atmosphere of what seems to me a bit more judgemental ... I believe He wants me to be real and authentic and share the bad and the ugly
and I do not have a problem with that at all!
I am 53 years old.
my first 28 years I lived in Germany.
the next 23 years I lived in Canada.
the last 2 years and a bit I have been living in West Michigan.
the first 30 years of my life I was what I came to understand to be a "nominal" Christian ( someone who by association / tradition believes in God / Jesus etc. but has not personally encountered the Saviour )
the last 23 years and 5 months I have been walking in close fellowship with Him, who gave His life to save me, have been committed to becoming more and more who He wants me to be and spurned on by the gratitude for what He has done for me, I have chosen to stand firm on the truth He has been and continues to reveal to me through His Word.
one of the ways this works itself out in my life is that I have not hidden anything from those around me. having been accepted and forgiven by the God of the Universe I have no reason whatsoever to be too concerned about what others are thinking about me, I do not need to worry about approval of men since I have the only thing that counts already... the approval of God!
in the first 30 years of my life, for the most part trying to live up to moral standards taught to me by my parents and the society I lived in, I, as I later learned sinned quite a bit....
- sex outside marriage
- abortion
- divorce
I could tell you that my father was never around and when he was, he was not interested in me ( and that was the best case scenario )
I could tell you that I was sexually assaulted at age 15I could tell you that my mother told me to not have sex as early as some of my friends ( as early as 14 ) and I listened, I was 20
I could tell you that I did not know that it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage
I could tell you that I got pregnant the first time I did... and I could tell you that again my beloved mother ( who also didn't understand any different, but thankfully met her Saviour 3 years before she passed away after a long battle with cancer a year and a half ago ) advised me to have an abortion, telling me that my life was just starting and this would never work.
I could tell you about the horrible depression I fell into right after, the guilt I felt for 10 years, the way this made me get married far too young for the worst reasons ( the need for a replacement baby - the need to find out if God would punish me by not being able to have a child )
l could tell you that believing the lie that it would be better for my children to have a peaceful life without their father than by being in a family that wasn't working, was what informed my decision to leave my husband....
I could tell you that I didn't know that God hated divorce
all those things are true.
all those things are still my sins.
coming to Canada after my first attempt at grown-up life had failed, I met and in a matter of 3 months moved in with my new boyfriend, who, again, couldn't meet my needs, no surprises here, as I couldn't meet his, in my desperation I started praying to God to reveal Himself to me... I prayed every day for 6 months.. I remember exactly what I kept saying to Him... "there has to be more to you, to this life than this, than all I had learned about you in religious classes at school and catechism classes "( yes, I had to take those to be confirmed in the Lutheran church )
searching for Him in all the wrong places I am thankful that He never let me be satisfied with any of the counterfeit stuff like astrology, new age and other religions...
so then, when in June of 1994 he directed me to go to church with our neighbours and I heard the gospel preached for the very first time, I couldn't stop crying and the overwhelming joy of meeting Him and realizing what He had done for me has never left me since.
I got involved in Small group right away and a few months later I lead my first Bible Study... I have served in all kinds of different ministries, have been a Women's Ministry director, a Biblical Counselor, the Director of a Pregnancy Center, Adult Sunday School coordinator, Worship team singer, Mission team member and so much more.
God blessed me with a church family that loved me and when my second husband left me, supported me and showed me the love of Christ.
I was blessed by Elders and staff that cheered me on and made it possible for me to follow the calling God gave me to open a Pregnancy Center ... sharing my testimony about my abortion in front of my whole church at our Grand Opening was something I felt I could do, since God asked me to, and, believe it or not, had forgiven me for....
I did not choose my family. I did not choose my circumstances. the culture I was born into.
but I did choose to sin.
my sins nailed Jesus to the cross
my "big" sins and my "small" sins...
He paid for them all
I wish I didn't have made those choices, but I know also that because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner in desperate NEED of a SAVIOUR, I am in a great place.
I know that I cannot live my life in any way that is pleasing to Him without Him being the One who does that through me.
I know that I am depending on Him for EVERYTHING.
I know that I am not contributing anything.
I am eternally grateful for His forgiveness and the new life He has given me.
I am relying on Him for all that I need
and I love Him, so much, that I do not even know what to do with it at times
I love Him so much that doing the hard stuff, the forgiving and loving anyways is a no brainer for me.
I am thankful that what I and others in my life meant for evil , He from the beginning of the world meant for good and that He in His most wonderful sovereignty is working it all out for HIS GLORY..
and, ultimately even for my best.
I don't deserve Him, and what He did for me and that's why this is my life motto:
SOLI DEO GLORIA
