Thursday, November 17, 2016

joy???? seeing through the lenses of the loss....

" We as the older women need to..."... some well meaning lady said to me a little while ago...
and all I could think was :"what?????  older women????" "speak for yourself, lady, I am not old"....
or am I?

my mother, after her mother had passed away said to me that this meant, amongst other things,  that she was now the next in line to go... right.. so, now that my mother has passed away I am the next in line....


I am someone who has children that could be mothers, someone who doesn't have a mother anymore and so, I guess, I most definitely might be moving into that category... older women...
can we maybe call it more mature... wiser... a little more seasoned.. please :)

ok.. it doesn't matter really, because the truth is, as we walk through this life, as we are encountering different issues and trials we do become seasoned... scarred ... it seems as we age and mature sorrows are added... I know from my own experience that they are not drowning out my joy, since this joy is not rooted in my circumstances but rather in my relationship with my Savior and my Heavenly Father... through what He did for me on the cross... but sorrows are added, a profound sadness does come with living in a broken world..

I know that I am extremely blessed to not have had to add many sorrows early on in my life.. but I have been scarred quite a bit.. through my own choices, the choices of others and just plain life..

I have heard things like "when your mother dies your life will be forever altered.. experiences will be classified in before that day and after..."

I am not sure I really feel that way but I figured something out... I most definitely see life through the lenses of this loss... my point of view has changed... I know how life goes on without someone as important as a mother..

maybe that's why I can't really live life the same anymore... there is not one situation I encounter, nice or not so nice that is not somehow thought about through the lenses of the fact that my mother is not there anymore..

things she would have liked, like a beautiful sunset, a new pillow for my living room- she would have loved to see at least a picture of it- a new thought or breakthrough... some knowledge or wisdom gained, 
things she would have had compassion for, things she would not have liked, even the things she would have gotten angry about.. I see them, I experience them and I see it through what my mother would have said or felt about them... so she is always on my mind.. and with it the sadness, the reality of being separated, even if it is only for a time, until I will join her in Heaven...

sorrow and joy, sadness and blessing, gratitude and suffering...

all of those are part of our lives, and, they can be, or maybe even should be, happening at the same time..

blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ..

joy even though it is inexpressible and glorious , given to me by God Himself, given to me in abundance still does not cancel out my grief and my sadness.

His comfort is what allows for joy amidst the sadness, the loss and the grief...

His comfort, His arms tightly wrapped around me, His love and caring and mercy and grace.. that's what allows for the joy not to be drowned out...

He lifts me out of the fog of the deep wound inflicted by a loved one ripped away through death.. so I can fix my eyes on the truth that she is indeed where I know without a shadow of a doubt I will go.. 
and my sorrow, even though still so very real in every moment of my existence here, is not taking away my gratitude for her salvation, so late in her life, my thankfulness for the love we shared, for even the hard times we had together, for how blessed I am to have had a mother like her.

so what do I do with this.. two things I think..

1. I am more aware of how precious my loved ones are. how precious the time I have with them is. I am more intentional about it, and..

2. I do have to choose to keep my eyes fixed on what is eternal, because, if I didn't quite understand it before, I do understand it better now... what is seen is temporal, it WILL COME TO AN END... what is unseen however is eternal... never ending.. 

my heart once again is filled with awe and such gratitude, it cannot be contained... what He did for me.. and my mother.. is PRICELESS..... instead of spending eternity forever separated from His love, I will get to spend it with Him... and my Mama..

listening to Christmas music already this is what comes to mind:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him: I will give my heart.

serving Him with thankfulness, blessed to have been set apart with a purpose for a purpose..
Your will be done!