Monday, August 31, 2015

it's been two weeks ( and taking down an idol )


it's been two weeks.
I have been married to the man of my dreams for 2 weeks.
grocery shopping a few days ago someone called me by my new last name.
took me a second to realize they were calling me.
ha.
it takes a moment to sink in.
the culmination of what God had been planning all along.
what a blessing to be on the other side.
I was trying to hold on to hope for many years.  sometimes I had a hard time believing there was any.
realized that I had to let go of it. trusting Him that He would always be enough.
and He was. He always is. but, because He is this extravagant Daddy, He wanted to shower us with His amazing blessings anyways. blows my mind and makes my heart sing.

it's been a stressful week. so much to do. so many changes. and then somehow the peace eluded me. missing my brand new husband, trying to be the daughter I need to be. trying to be the mother I want to be. trying to take care of my ministry and prepare for handing it over ... I was stressed. sleep was nowhere to be found and in those wee morning hours fear gripped my heart.
my child. moving to another continent to go to school. letting here go pretty scary. my parents. the situation there as chaotic as ever. sickness having it's way. so hard to watch. my move. my immigration. leaving my children, my hometown of almost 23 years, my church family, basically everyone I love ( minus this amazing husband of mine )

just too much.

this morning at church though. worshipping Him, there was this thought.. first it was just a small whisper.
"cannot let all this worry steal the joy. He is bigger. He is always faithful"
and then. the sermon. talking about peace. no surprises here. it's always relevant to me personally.and  not just me. all of us.
and there it hit me. between me and the peace my beloved Daddy usually has for me was this idol. I had put it up. unknowingly. makes sense now.
the need to be the perfect mother. somehow always feeling I had to be the saviour. the protector. making sure they were fine. being everything and all to them, doing it on my own. feeling the love and the responsibility. somehow something very good and healthy became something that took over. something that somehow totally depended on me.

still always praying, always hoping for God to be the One looking after them and protecting  them somehow I did not trust Him for it. somehow it became something that separated me from Him. that idol that was standing in the way of me fully surrendering to Him. it stood between me and the peace

came home and repented and renounced and gave it all to Him.
and now. I am excited for my youngest daughter and thankful for how she has changed and matured over the last 2 1/2 months. I know I can trust Him for her. I know that I don't have to feel guilty for what the Lord has blessed me with. a new life. that takes me far away from where our home has been all along.
it's His plan. and it is perfect. like all the plans He has for us. those plans are always to prosper. never to harm. there is always a future and always a hope.
tears again during worship time. but my little daughter. she was the one putting her arms around me. and then. when she took me to the airport and I shared what the Lord had been showing me she said this: "but Mama, you are the perfect mother"
it doesn't get much better than this.
all praise and glory to Him. so thankful.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

.. rising up from the ashes .. embarking on the journey together..



oh what a wonderful thing again this morning, to be in my church.. my favourite place to be..
wondering where we will find our new home, a church that will be our church.. not his, not mine..  a new place, new people, I know that it will take a very long time to feel like it felt again today..

so at home, so comfortable, so safe, so loved and so blessed..

worshipping Him with arms high and heart abandoned today, tears were flowing down my face..
just so very thankful for where He has had me for the last  17 1/2 years..

I am trying hard not to be too sad about losing my church family.. I just love them all so much..
trusting Him like He has taught me throughout my long journey with Him, I know that He has it all figured out.. ( but still, why change something that is SO GOOD )

because of who my Jesus is, because of what He has done in both our lives, the ruins have come to life in the beauty of His name, we are rising up from the ashes and I am thankful for the fact that I have someone who is so worth saying Goodbye for...
so I will fix my eyes on Him.. because, in the end, that's what it all comes down to..

it's all about Him, always, totally.. the here and now.. it will all fade away..

it was fitting to sing this song today as well:

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

And it's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of Your love
And my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

He has done this for us.. we are His,  I know that He has a plan... a plan to prosper us and to harm us, a plan to give us a future and a hope.. to give us a purpose and direction..

it's all because of you Jesus... 
I give all I have just to know you Jesus.. 
you are FOREVER the hope in my heart...




Friday, August 7, 2015

...it's crunch time... overwhelmed, He carries me...



lately it's been so in my face again, I have been thinking about it a lot... that really, I cannot even imagine where I would be and how I would cope if I didn't have my faith, my relationship with Christ, my hope that is in Him, His strength when I am overwhelmed and weak ( which seems to be most of the time) His wisdom and guidance when I am at a loss, the security He gives me when things are scary and how He just plain calms me when I am an emotional wreck...

how are people doing that?
or am I just an especially weak basket case?

truth is, I am thankful for how He put me together..
I know exactly how much I need Him and that I COULD NOT do it on my own..
it's what it is.. and it's a good thing!

it's a little over a week until I am getting married and preparing for this ( all the organizing, juggling  all the emotions that are coming up in all of us involved) preparing to send my baby off to school in England, and another daughter to the Netherlands ( just for a semester ) .. moving, immigrating, wrapping up my responsibilities here, assuring my loved ones that I am not going to disappear but be there for them consistently, parents and their needs and whereabouts, old and not resolved, scary issues, health problems and all that... ok.. I am overwhelmed..

I am an emotional person and I am crying sometimes.. a lot more lately.. tears of joy and tears of sadness, but most of the time I am just feeling so thankful that He is all that for me..

my fortress
my refuge
my rock
my Daddy
my friend
my brother
the lover of my soul
my confidante
my Redeemer
my Saviour
my God
my All in All
my healer
my eternity
my reward
my Maker
my counsellor
my Peace
my Joy
my Strength

wow.
how are people living without Him?
and how can I not share who He is with those around me....

I love Him,
because He first loved me.
and as much I cannot fathom why in the world He would,
I am thankful and will forever serve Him.
I am His.

His attention to detail in working out my life, that blessed path that He has been having me on, blows me away, every second of every day..
and that's just who He is.. my most amazing, most powerful, unchangeable, faithful, loving, merciful and HOLY GOD...

#SoliDeoGloria