Monday, June 30, 2014

.. if you never fill my cup up again.... Blessed be Your Name...



I love music.. I love Christian Contemporary Music... I love it because when people write songs that speak to my heart I am encouraged... I am encouraged because they must know what I am feeling... I am encouraged because that means I am not alone, I am encouraged because they always point me to where my hope comes from... so these are two songs I am listening to this morning..


I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ENDS 
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

( Worn by Tenth Avenue North )

and there is this... a good reminder, affirming what He has been telling me...


But who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?
And who are You that You would choose to answer me with mercy new
How many more will wander past to find me sitting in this ash
Will you hold me? Will you stay?
So I can raise this broken praise to You

But You were the One who filled my cup
And You were the One who let it spill
So blessed be your Holy name if you never fill it up again
If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breathe to say
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

( Broken Praise by Todd Smith "The Story" )

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber

Psalm 121:1-3

and then this, from one of the email devotions I get each day... what a timely reminder:

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,  by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

2. Peter 1:3-4

AMEN!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

...God's will and setbacks and garbage????????




well.. I guess no one ever said it would be easy..
no one ever said we would be able to figure it out...
we want to, we so want to... but no one ever said we would..
it might not even be a good thing... it pretty sure is not..
I think it is actually part of our sinful nature, wanting to be independent and only relying on ourselves..
so...
this comes to you from someone who was told she is intelligent and a logical thinker..
someone who studies and researches and really wants to know...

I have no idea how one can figure out God's will.....

some things make sense, some just don't... as I have gotten to know Him more and more, through studying His Word, meditating on it, trying to live a life walking with Him as closely as I can, trusting Him as much as I can and obeying Him, by His grace and strength as well as possible....

that's all I can come up with... His will is one huge mystery....

His Word tells us so.. it educates me to Who He is, my interactions with Him have shown me more of who He is... and so, all I can do is to trust Him.. and the fact that His plans cannot be thwarted, He orchestrates and decrees, He permits and sifts all things that happen to us through His loving hands..

He alone knows the beginning from the end.. He alone sees the front of the tapestry He is busy weaving, perfectly timing it and all..

 so what this might mean things will not be resolved.. so what this might mean heartache and sickness and even death.. He is the author and creator of all things in heaven and on earth.. He is the Great I Am...
God Almighty and Lord of lords and King of kings...

who am I to question Him... all I can do is marvel at His love, His mercy, His care and grace..
all I can do is obey Him and trust Him, all I can do is serve Him and rely on Him to give me refuge and help, in times of trouble and praise Him in times of real deep joy...

so....... once again taking my eyes off all the stuff that frustrates and hurts and overwhelms...
there is such FREEDOM in that...

with the help of faithful friends I am going to try and stand on this... taking each day and all it's setbacks and garbage, giving it over to Him ... one step at a time....

“I know that you can do anything,
    and no one can stop you.
 You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
    It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
    things far too wonderful for me.
 You said, ‘Listen and I will speak!
    I have some questions for you,
    and you must answer them.’
 I had only heard about you before,
    but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
I take back everything I said,
    and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”
Job 42:2-6



Tuesday, June 24, 2014

.. picking my shattered pieces off the floor.... He who never changes..

God is blessing me so much these days..

as my world continues to crumble under all the pressure...  all the never-ending difficulties and complications on so many levels, He blesses me with such amazingly loving and precious people around me, my absolutely darling daughters, my most dearest friends..... my heart overflows with thanksgiving and awe, how much He loves me...

with the stress increasing over the last few days, I had a series of mishaps last Friday... they left me feeling insecure and so vulnerable, frustrated and overwhelmed, scared and diminished , about to really crawl into my bed, hide under the blankets and NOT come out ever again....

obviously, since He is my strength.. I crawled back out... then on Sunday in church, this is what we sang...


oh the tears were flowing and in my brokenness I once again felt Him picking my shattered pieces off the floor... holding me tenderly, His gaze so full of love..

blessed by spending a most delightful day with one of my dear children, some of the peace and the strength that He is, came back.

back to having to face reality on Monday, it's still tough.. but... and that's just it... with the Creator of the Universe on my side... who do I have to fear? what do I have to fear?  no matter how hard it gets.. there will always be that BUT...

the "BUT" that reminds me of what my "real" reality is....

He lowers us to raise us
So we can sing His praises
Whatever is His way all is well

He makes us rich and poor
That we might trust Him more
Whatever is His way all is well

All my changes come from Him, He who never changes
I am held firm in the grasp of the Rock of all the ages

All is well with my soul
He is God in control
I know not all His plans
But I know I'm in His hands

He clothes us now then strips us
Yet with His Word equips us
Whatever is His way all is well
And though our seasons change
We still exalt His name
Whatever is His way all is well

by Robin Mark


Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
 When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
 For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 1-3









Thursday, June 19, 2014

... I am NOT alone...

yesterday, I had just left to drive to work, I passed my "little" daughter who was driving home from a friends house... as I felt such love and pride it hit me... I WILL MISS HER SO MUCH...



all these "lasts".... last dance recital last week....last exam today , Prom tomorrow, Graduation next week... exciting and significant moments... proud moments.. for sure, and then again, bittersweet, because obviously something is coming to an end... 

8 years ago, when my eldest daughter graduated Highschool I remember I was thinking that when I was going to get to heaven I was going to have a very serious talk with God...

there He had us mothers having those little babies grow inside us, leaving us no choice but to fall deeply in love with them before we even saw them... then, they would be totally dependent on us, their mere survival our responsibility... He made them so round and so cute, we couldn't help but love them even more... as they were growing a little less dependent over time we grew to appreciate them, admire them and simply adore them more and more each day...

only, to one day, after about 18 years to get a "Good bye, I am excited to embark on my own journey now... see you later Mama........."

don't get me wrong, I am excited for her, I am happy she is a healthy young girl that is going to start her own journey now.. I am praying for her and her sisters daily and I trust Him to take good care of them.. no matter where they are..

I will miss her though... my baby, I will be lonely, more than I am now.. it's just going to be my puppies and I and thank the Lord for them :)

so yesterday, as I was driving to work the sadness aspect of this all overwhelmed me and I cried... a lot... but then, this song came up... I have had it, you guessed right, on repeat ever since...



"I Am Not Alone"
by Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

as much as I am alone, I will be alone, I am not alone... if you are getting what I mean :)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

.. CT scan results JUST in....




so David and I... we are tight.. no matter where I am, he seems to have been in the same place..
David from the Bible that is.. :)

felt the need to read some of the Psalms this morning, and found this one again..


Psalm 16
(by my buddy David)


Keep me safe, O God,
    for I have come to you for refuge.
 I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
    Every good thing I have comes from you.”
 The godly people in the land
    are my true heroes!
    I take pleasure in them!
 Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
    I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
    or even speak the names of their gods.
 Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
    You guard all that is mine.
 The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
    What a wonderful inheritance!
 I will bless the Lord who guides me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
 I know the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
 No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
    My body rests in safety.
 For you will not leave my soul among the dead
    or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
 You will show me the way of life,
    granting me the joy of your presence
    and the pleasures of living with you forever.

me:

trouble? yes
needing refuge? yes
peace in the midst of it all? yes
thankful and blessed? for sure
in His presence? the only way to be!!!!!

praising Him that the cancer has not grown as dramatically as the Cardiologist thought ( alerting my mother to have this checked out last week... )

He always has our back! and He is doing a wonderful thing... the land He has given us is a pleasant land.. He is indeed showing us the way of life and is granting us the joy of His presence.. there is eternal pleasure... and rest.

#SoliDeoGloria




Sunday, June 15, 2014

... Happy Father's Day.... Thank you ABBA FATHER

it's been a while... the storm has simmered down and even though that one really black cloud is still there, life has kind of gone back to a more normal pace...

more normal is good and then again.. it made me realize this:

having to surrender all because everything around you scares the daylights out of you.. it puts you in a very good place.. a place as close to the Father as possible..

it's a safe place, it's a place of peace, because, you know the outcome has nothing to do with you and there is SUCH freedom in that..

so going back to some kind of resemblance of normal.. one would think is a good thing.. yet.. as my total dependence on Him is not my only way of surviving, my eyes start to stray... they are not quite as fixed on the One and Only... potential for all kinds of self pity and frustration and such..

some kind of normal.... well... whatever that means to me...

my mom admitted to the ICU upon a few days of her arrival in Germany... scary... thank God she is home again and is awaiting more tests...  normal = 6000 km distance between aging parents and me... DO NOT like that..

all the many "last times" for my "baby"... last recital, bittersweet, so proud of her and at the same time grieving our "normal" to come to an end..

and let's not forget about the "black cloud".... the main issue that drove me to my knees and clinging to my Saviour... not resolved... still up in the air...

time again to dwell on the fact that I am alone, as I am facing the new phase in my life : empty nester....

and then, yesterday, a beautiful friend spontaneously invited me and the puppies to come and stay with her for the night...  all my girls with their Dad for the upcoming Father's Day celebration, it would have been a lonely, (probably) "self pity" kind of a night..

instead we, the puppies and I, got to go on a wonderful walk and hung out.. watched a movie and enjoyed the hospitality of a sister in Christ... so blessed!

this morning, this is what I read:

Don’t be afraid or ashamed
and don’t be discouraged.
    You won’t be disappointed.
Forget how sinful you were
    when you were young;
stop feeling ashamed
    for being left a widow.
 The Lord All-Powerful,
the Holy God of Israel,
    rules all the earth.
He is your Creator and husband,
    and he will rescue you.

He is all about blessing His children... He is my Father and He loves me unconditionally.
repenting of taking my eyes off Him for a moment.. He is ALL I ever need..

As I rise, strength of God
Go before, lift me up
As I wake, eyes of God
Look upon, be my sight

As I wait, heart of God
Satisfy and sustain
As I hear, voice of God
Lead me on, and be my guide
And be my guide

Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me
Above and below me
Before and behind me
In every eye that sees me
Christ be all around me
Whoa...Whoa...Christ be all around me

As I go, hand of God
My defense, by my side
As I rest, breath of God
Fall upon, bring me peace
Bring me peace

Your life, Your death
Your blood was shed
For every moment
Every moment



Monday, June 2, 2014

.. you are the peace in my troubled sea.....

 my journey over the last 4 1/2 years has been all kinds of things.. heart-breaking, sad, tough, unbearable, unbelievable, horrendous in the beginning... after some time, as if waking up from a nightmare, slowly I have been daring to get up on my feet again...  one little step at a time, really gingerly.. I have embarked on a new journey...

there have been many blessings, new things, different, more fulfilling things.. tender moments of renewed faith.. fragile moments of breathing a little deeper... stepping out in faith.. eyes focused on Him... "are you really not going to let me fall".....

there have been new endeavours, new friends, new confidants, new interests... new places... and there have been LIGHTHOUSES

some have more meaning than others, but all of them... they have been a symbol of hope, of a light shining in the darkness, of a calling, to be that light, that beacon on a hill... oh the wonders of how my Jesus works His will out in our lives... and for sure.. the beauty that comes from the ashes of destruction is more beautiful, more meaningful than whatever it was before...

the lighthouses, they are calling my name, I LOVE seeing pictures, exploring the history ..

so, right now, as He in is infinite wisdom and goodness, is leading me through another valley, here  comes this song... and this is how it goes :




In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse
I will trust the promise,
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea  
You are the peace in my troubled sea 

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse
I will trust the promise,
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore 
Safe to shore

Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms 

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse
I will trust the promise,
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore
 ( by REND COLLECTIVE )


 isn't He just the greatest???
I can't help but see Him in all that happens around me... because I am more aware than ever that everything is in His hands, I surrender it, again and again... and so I can see His hand in everything...

I think that might be a reason He allows the bad the horrible and the REALLY ugly... so we can't but give it all up... and get more and more a more accurate picture of what is really going on...

Our God is SOVEREIGN over all creation... all that happens, ultimately He is in control!!!
And I am very thankful for that!

#SoliDeoGloria