..celebrating the maker of the clouds...

... read this yesterday: "The optimist expects clouds to have a silver lining. The faithful one simply celebrates the maker of the clouds.”

as I have come to know God more and more, as my faith in Him has grown over the years, my approach to "clouds" and "storms" and "torrential downpours" has changed dramatically...

I have met Him and I know that He cares about my troubles...

I have seen Him at work and I know there is nothing that He could not change and make better in a split second...

I am sure without a doubt that He always has my best interest in mind, and really, that only He can know what that means..

I have come to love Him more and more, as I understand His love for me more and more... I know about the safety I find in His arms, I know that looking to Him is what I have to do...

in His Word He reveals many things to me... about Himself and His plan for me...  He tells me to fix my eyes on Him, to focus on eternal things rather than on temporary things, he tells me that there will be troubles, but that He has overcome them.. He tells me that with Him all things are possible... that I can persevere, and that in the end He will bring me safely to His Heavenly Kingdom...

as I seek Him, I am in awe of Him more and more and love Him... nothing compared to how much He loves me yet still a love that is HUGE...

so, when the clouds appear, or more clouds, when a storm is brewing, I don't really change anything, I just snuggle a little deeper into my Daddy's arms, knowing that He will keep me safe, no matter what the storm will bring, accepting pain and suffering as a fact, not something to avoid at all cost by putting up self defence mechanisms like trying to manipulate and control situations or people....

I keep spending my time in His Word, in communion with Him, sharing my heart and all of myself.. trying to follow Him, as good as I can... and leaving the rest to Him...

I celebrate Him, the maker of the clouds, the maker of the sunshine and blessing in my life, because I know that in Him is where my hope is...

my mother, when talking about death recently had said to me she would miss the sunshine, once she died... oh, I was so happy to share with her what the Bible tells us Heaven will be like... she got excited and the plan is now to have rooms next to each other in the mansion that Jesus has promised He would have ready for us....

Praise be to God from whom all blessings flow!!!!!

... self absorbed and DENSE....

trying to imagine how this Heavenly Father of mine is feeling right now... ( about me, that is..)

truth is, He has always "fathered" me well, much better than well........
truth is, He has been there with me, held me, comforted me, blessed me beyond what anyone could ever wish for and imagine..

and here I am.....
His beloved child...
He saved my mother not even 2 weeks ago... allowed me to be the one to lead her to Him...
He has given me a ministry that fulfills me..
He has blessed me with beautiful daughters..
He has given me sweet friends, caring about me and loving me...

and yet..
a stupid, man made day, 10 days ago, ( yes, I am talking about Valentine's Day) a marriage seminar at my church, memories and realities that were a bit more in my face than usually..... okay, and grey, cold and ugly weather... a cold house..

and here I am...
depressed, sad, searching for what I think I need to have.... taking my eyes of Him...

how horribly DENSE.... self absorbed and plain STUPID.... please forgive my language..

I cannot find what God does not have for me... I cannot force or control or manipulate what is not His plan, and in a way, I am soooooooooo thankful for that... because, can you imagine the disaster???????

there is a reason the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE is the One who controls all things... even the "little detail" that makes me all depressed right now...

it's because He knows best... so there... thankful it is Sunday and I can go to church soon, worship Him, take my eyes of myself and focus on what is really important... a prayer meeting tonite as well... good planning Lord, I know you know what you are doing :)

Praise be to the Lord,

    for he has heard my cry for mercy.

 The Lord is my strength and my shield;

    my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

    and I will give thanks to him in song.

 The Lord is the strength of his people,

    a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

Psalm 28:6-8

Father's Love Letter.... from His heart to yours...

this is not the original version... copyright prohibits this .... if you want to see the original go to www.fathersloveletter.com they have it in many languages as well.... this is how He loves us...
Hallelujah!!!!!!!

.. this is what LOVE is....

up early... the benefit of a crazy travel week.. jet lag..off to my work out session soon, I have had the privilege to lift up all I love to my Heavenly Father already this morning...

saw this, posted by Michael W Smith on facebook as well







it made me cry, like Michael had said it would...

isn't this what we all are longing for? to be loved by a person here on earth, who really is "just" trying, by God's grace and strength to love us like the Father in Heaven loves us????

some get to experience this love from a husband, wife, maybe from a father or mother... some, like I feel now get to love their mother or father this way... I pray and hope I love my children like this, and yet I know I fall short...

but this is the Father's love... so, it is available for all who believe...


as tech savvy as I think I am I have had some issue trying to post the Father's love letter here... so please bear with me and watch my next post on here....

God bless you all...

...metastases ... airplanes and the Heavenly Kingdom

recap:

metastases found in my mother's lungs, many of them, in both lungs, but they are still small

flying to Switzerland to accompany my mother to her, or so I thought anyways, first Chemo treatment.. turns out to be appointments with two different Oncologists to decide the action plan..

sharing my faith " black and white"... she prays the prayer and bows her knee before Jesus, her Saviour! Hallelujah

reading tons of scripture to her, and praying together many times... love flowing FREELY.. <3

spending time in a place so full of memories of my married life, good ones and bad ones.. all back in my face...

Valentines Day... I am single, and today it sucks...

trying to help my mother work through some of the hurts, old and new.. my dysfunctional family :(

at airport, to go back, Ex husband with new wife arrives on the plane I am leaving on...  strange and sad..

arrive back and find out that two people I have been praying for passed away from cancer that day, Chris, a young and wonderful friend of a dear friend of mine, and Daisy, a little eight year-old girl that I have been praying for as well...

both Christians and so we can be sure they are with Jesus now, no more pain, no more suffering, but rejoicing in heaven...

blessed to be home and picked up by my lovely daughters I love, exhausted and spent...

---> this is what my Jesus has for me today:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 8+9

you can say that one out loud.... I am not going to try to get my head around all this....

instead I am trusting this:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Romans 8:35,37

and THIS:

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Timothy 4:18

AMEN

Cancer, you can't scare us :P

..leaving tomorrow morning again, what a whirlwind of a few days it has been....
my mother, a healthy woman with a sickness, not a sick woman, was reconciled to her Father in Heaven,, a tremendous blessing,
God, our Father, has allowed me to be the one to lead her to Him... He has prepared me to love her well and come to her side in a time of deep need...
was allowed to meet the different doctors and be there to help my mother make good choices..

sharing with her about our Father in Heaven and His love for her, that's what we have been doing most of the time.. a closeness like never before...

cancer ??? well, God can even use a mean disease for His glory, a way to accomplish His good and perfect will for those that love Him, that were called according to His purpose...

it hasn't quite sunken in yet that we are now sisters in Christ and no matter what happens we will be spending eternity together....

I am most blessed, it is amazing.... oh how I love Him, oh how I need Him.....

Jesus, Lover of my soul, Jesus, I will never let you go..

you've taken me, from the miry clay,

Put my feet upon the rock and now I know,

I love you

I need you,

Though my world may fall I never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend, 

I will worship you until the very end...

The Prodigal Daughter has returned. HALLELUJAH

Heaven is rejoicing...... A lost sheep has heard her shepherd and responded .....
My heart is crying and I am lifting my hands in total praise to you... Oh Lord, my God, I praise you for saving my mother today.

I thank you Lord that in your omnipotence and your infinite wisdom, your unending love and your amazing grace and mercy, you opened the eyes of my mother so she could see you today, for the first time in her almost 73 year long life...

I praise you Lord and thank you that you had it all so perfectly planned out and orchestrated, so it was just one more tiny little step... ( easy peaty pumpkin eater like my little niece would say)

Lord I thank you that you prompted me and equipped me to share with her and not be afraid to ask her if she wanted to ask your forgiveness and become your child...

Oh Lord, this has been my prayer for 20 1/2 years... Oh Lord you are so faithful ,
You are the source of all that is good and you are worthy to be praised...

You are my all and all, my Redeemer, my mother's Redeemer and I will praise you forever and ever
AMEN

...darkness descending....

God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, has been so good to me...
He has shown me favor today in many little ways, "preferred treatment" checking in and and going through security just to name a few... Not necessary, yet so reassuring, a reminder of His love for me, His child.

Didn't sleep much last night, maybe about 2 1/2 hours and tired as I am, surrounded by all this worldly stuff hanging around the airport here in Montreal for so long, darkness wanted to descend on me ...

That's when I decided in order to have some relief from all that's going on around me, to listen to some music, ear phones in I chose my Carnegie Hall Playlist again...

And that's when the love He has for me overwhelmed me once again and brought me to tears... I love Him, and I am just going to cling to Him for dear life.... This morning when I left the house it dawned on me, I would have to go all alone, having to leave my girls behind , my friends loving and supporting me on the home front, I would be embarking on this journey all by myself... If it was not for Him, my friend, my Lord, my Jesus... going with me wherever I go, never forsaking me , upholding me with His right hand...

and, best of all, He is not only the most loving and caring, He is also God Almighty, the sovereign and holy God, in control of the whole world.....

Who am I , that He would be mindful of me...... Emmanuel, we're singing Hallelujah....

Who am I that He would be mindful of me....

...You are the source of my strength...

breakfast before church with a dear sister in Christ, asking me how I was with all that was going on.. and I told her that I was sad, but that God was giving me peace and strength to deal with what's going on 

( in all the different areas )... true statement..

driving home after church, a wave of sadness and despair came over me and that is when I figured it out... what I was telling my friend this morning and have told many others, is true, I am not just pretending to be strong because that's what I should be, Christian that I am, I am strong in Him...but, and that's what I figured out... even being strong in the Lord is a choice I am making again and again, so it is not a status that is permanent just because it is true, it is truth, and that is because the Bible tells me so... but it is a truth I need to choose to stand on... despite me, a human being, who has feelings, is weak, struggles with all kinds of things "on the daily"..... I believe that I receive the strength to even have the strength to choose to stand on the truth, but, it is a choice..

so in those moments, when I feel like I was feeling half an hour ago, I choose to run to my Jesus and hide in His embrace..... until I am strong enough to come out again and face my life...

Carnegie Hall, 285 voices, plus 1 ( Michael W Smith :) a full orchestra and Michael playing the piano, this is one song we sang... and it was heavenly.... taken from Psalm 121, so I know that it is TRUE:

Lord, I will lift my eyes to the hills

Knowing my help is coming from You

Your peace You give me in time of the storm

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen

..shamelessly growing cancer cells.... and the Holy Spirit...

so, shovelling snow, obviously quite the workout... not so good for you, because it is repetitive movement that stresses out your muscles.. ( 2 1/2 hours of any exercise would kill you )

had to go to the gym this morning to try and stretch out some of those poor abused muscles.. and work them in a good way..

could have never imagined how much I would actually love working out...
I think it is because I bought those magic red running shoes in the summer, inspired by, no surprises here * drum roll*  the one and only Michael W Smith...

but seriously, I think it is because of my dear trainer, who taught me to work out well...  helped me strengthen my poor, old weak core, so that now I can really do all those exercises, and enjoy them.. she has kept me accountable and she has cheered me on...

I think God has blessed me with liking it because I was serious about taking care of His temple, my body... so there, God first, Barb next and then the shoes... that sounds about right...

on Monday I will get on a plane, and another one... they will take me all the way across the ocean to meet with my Mother at the clinic where she will get her first infusion... an infusion of pure poison, administered in the hope it will kill the cancer cells that are so shamelessly growing in her lungs... at the same time she will receive an infusion to help her body cope with this assault.....

it is interesting to realize that I feel as compassionate and protective over my mother as I do over my daughters... I would actually rather suffer myself than have her go through suffering....

can't do that... and that is for a reason : we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
( Romans 5 : 2-5 )

the suffering my mother is / will be going through is what is going to do this in her.... praying that she will be open to receive the Holy Spirit... it is all in God's hands.... praying He will use me to this end... praying that His Word will pierce her heart and bring about a godly sorrow that will lead to repentance and the salvation I so desperately desire for her..... trusting Him, I know that He is trustworthy :)

...Plane Tickets and Chemotherapy ...

so it's decided, I am going to go see my beloved Mama, getting on a plane in a few days to take her to her first Chemo therapy appointment... I will be with her for almost a week and I am so thankful I can do this..

feels so right to do that, would feel so very wrong not to be there for her...

read this a little while ago:


"My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love.

I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter."

it is good to be reminded once in a while... I am blessed to be able to come alongside my mother during this difficult time for her... she most definitely has been there for me 100% when I was that little child that needed her.. she was patient with me, encouraged me and helped me with anything I needed...
praying that she will be blessed to be taken care off by me, even if it is only for a little while....

my girls will be arriving soon after I leave and my brother is going to be there too... I will be back in March and we will go from there..

I know that this is what my Father in Heaven does, for me, for my mother, and all of us:

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

 the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121: 7 + 8

P.S. yes, that is my mother, my Grandmother, my sister and I... back in the days.. you can see my love for singing started at a very young age, no wonder I made it to Carnegie Hall.... hahahaha

...where does my help come from?????

a sweet friend of mine asked me last night if all was ok.. she hadn't seen a new post from me in the last few days...

makes me smile, inside... she cares, and she knows me quite well..

Hear my cry, O God;

    listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

    I call as my heart grows faint;

    lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 For you have been my refuge,

    a strong tower against the foe.

 I long to dwell in your tent forever

    and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Selah

 For you have heard my vows, O God;

    you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

 Increase the days of the king’s life,

    his years for many generations.

 May he be enthroned in God’s presence forever;

    appoint your love and faithfulness to protect him.

Then will I ever sing praise to your name

    and fulfill my vows day after day.

increase the days of my mother's life.. I plead with Him.. all day long, whenever it comes to mind, and obviously it does a lot, all night long, woken up by His Spirit again and again and automatically sending another plea to Him, who never slumbers or sleeps...

I have peace, I am not panicked , I am sad, but I also have hope and I am thankful... thankful because I already can see my Father in Heaven at work... heard some sweet words out of my mother's mouth yesterday that I have never heard before.. answered prayer is what it is....

God is good.. new clients at Hope for Life in tears, so touched by the generosity of God's people..

opportunities to get out in the community and meet many young women coming up...

time with treasured friends, beautiful moments with my children... I am blessed and my heart is overflowing with love.. sadness, might it be it enriches life?? .. it is as if there is a different focus.. an ability to see more clearly what is important.. eyes opened to blessings in the difficulty....

and in the end... the hope for eternity in a place where there will be sunshine and joy and love like we have never experienced before... dwelling in His presence forever... God is good

...are you sinning with impunity????? :O

are you sinning with impunity???

I know what it means, sinning without remorse, sinning, even though you know it is wrong, sinning even though not only does the Word tell you what you are doing is a sin, you have also been confronted about it, but you brush it away...

I looked it up: comes from the Latin.. :)


IMPU'NITY, n. [L. impunitas; in and punio, to punish.]

1. Exemption from punishment or penalty. No person should be permitted to violate the laws with impunity. Impunity encourages men in crimes.

so sinning as if there was no punishment... knowing, that what we are doing is against what the Bible says, not biblical, but going ahead and doing it anyways...

have to admit, that I have done that...
did it for a week and then just couldn't keep it to myself anymore.. had to confess to my mentor..

... I remember thinking "I know this is wrong, but I don't care"... this lasted about 30 minutes and then I was devastated... shocked at my callousness.. shocked that I could have just gone with my feelings at that moment..
fortunately godly sorrow, communicated through the Holy Spirit in me wouldn't allow me to go on..

I am thankful for that... it taught me one thing: we might think we have it together, we might think we are doing quite well with this holy living... but, we have no idea what we are capable of, when circumstances change..

God was faithful, I was not, He convicted me and I repented.. He forgave and wiped my slate clean..

when we dismiss what God tells us in His Word, and even though we know better, we go on sinning, we are indeed sinning with impunity... and that... that is really bad..
we are going to justify it away and create our "own God".. the one that fits with what we want to do and be... we are deceived and we can't really be sure if the things we like to believe about what the Bible says are true either....... scary if you ask me..

we can't be cafeteria Christians... pick and choose what we think applies today and what doesn't...

Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,  and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ ( 2 Peter 1: 9+10 )

.. a new awareness.. I do not like it :(

it is strange living in this new reality... it kind of is not even a new reality, just a new awareness..
truth is only God knows when we will leave this earth.
it could be any minute for each of us...
this new awareness is that indeed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, our days are numbered..
if you have been diagnosed with a secondary cancer in your lungs, it is obvious that you cannot keep on pretending you are never going to die.. you cannot ignore that one day, life here on earth will come to an end..
I cannot pretend anymore that I will not have to deal with my mother, who I love and have loved from when I was growing in her womb, passing away..
I cannot just not look at it because it breaks my heart even imagining it... how that will be..
it has been a fear I had from when I was really young... whenever my mother wouldn't be home at the time she had told us, I was afraid.. I remember not being able to sleep at all when my mother ( and my two little daughters) would be flying to Germany without me ( didn't happen often, but it did ) I remember thinking then, and this was before I was saved, that I would not be able to live anymore if these three were not around anymore..

since then, my God has taken away my fears, and this was a huge one.. so thankful for that..
but still, with this, I am sure it will happen, still don't know when, but it is not just some notion that there is death, a passing away, a passing over from here to eternity, either with God or without, it is a fact, a reality, an awareness..

God is good, He is faithful, He has promised peace no matter the circumstances and there is peace...
and yet... this awareness...
walking around with it is strange.. it really is, it is sad, and there is this part of me that cries out to Him .. only with one word.. and that is NO.....

when my oldest daughter was just one year old I met a woman, whose son was the same age.. we became friends and I found out that she had lost 2 of her siblings and both her parents, each one of them through very different, yet all very tragic circumstances...
I remember not being able to fathom how life was for her... that was almost 24 years ago.........
God has been good to me, to my family..... and He will continue to be good.. faithful, loving and caring.. if only my Mama would know Him personally, if only she could just hide in His arms...
this is my fervent, desperate prayer... Please save her Lord... from an eternity without you.... PLEASE!!!

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ( Philippians 4: 6+7 )

... Jesus wept... so I cry too....

so we found out yesterday, it is cancer..... cried, was all alone in my office so it was all good... cried a lot.... I cried, because I don't like pain, I don't like loss, I don't like watching someone I love, or anyone for that matter having to go through pain, I cried, because I love my mother, I cried because I know how my children will struggle with this, I cried because once again, this is just not supposed to be like that.... I cried, because if I learned anything going through my last loss it is that we need to allow the emotions... yes, it is true... not only we need to, to deal with it in a healthy way, we are also very much allowed to... yes, "even" as Christians, who know God and trust Him, even as Christians who believe and embrace what the scripture says:

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

     your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

    were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

crying and being sad does not mean, I don't understand that, crying and being sad does not mean I do not believe enough or something like that... remember the verse that everyone likes to memorize because it is the shortest one in the Bible:  Jesus wept....... He did, so do I, I need to, because it is sad..

it is part of this life and Jesus obviously came to give us peace and yes, He overcame this world and we do not have to grieve like the rest of the world... and yet, Jesus wept!

I cry, I cry out to Him, because I know He knows what this feels like, because I know Him intimately do I cry and cry out, because I have such faith in Him, to be there for me, I can allow my feelings of sadness ...

Hear my cry, O God;

    listen to my prayer.

 From the ends of the earth I call to you,

    I call as my heart grows faint;

    lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 For you have been my refuge,

    a strong tower against the foe.

David, a man after God's own heart, David, a sinner, he knew he could cry out... I cry and my Daddy in Heaven picks me up... He knows, He understands... and He won't leave us or forsake us, He will be with us... with my mother, who is such a trooper, and with us, her family who loves her..

so, as I am crying, I am thanking Him, and I am loving Him even more... but I cry..........