Friday, August 31, 2012

...Where does my help come from???????

this has been " brewing" for a while in my heart, soul and mind.. trying to process it... please bear with me..
yesterday morning, while driving, like always, I was praying..

 I am still sad sometimes, sad about being alone, sad about my marriage to have ended, sad because there is still profound sadness around me because of it... not too sad, most of the time I am more than full of joy because the Lover of my Soul is always close to me.. but still sad..

figured something out a little while ago, with the help of a most wonderful friend..  figured out that there was a fear that had gripped me.. the fear of being alone for the rest of my life.. that this might be what God has for me...

now as we all know, fear is the opposite of faith.. this fear basically says that I am not too sure that the plans He has for me are that good..  I am not trusting Him...
I have tried to change that.. I have, I do pray, I affirm I trust Him, I dwell on His Word, I ask Him to give me more faith, to help me with this...

 so yesterday morning, while driving and praying.. all of a sudden I felt I needed to ask Him to forgive me for doubting Him, for fearing that this plan could leave me wanting, unhappy and sad...
I repented.. made me cry... I think this was a breakthrough..

still not sure what else there is I need "to do or be or not do" to not allow this fear to stay.. as always music was going and there was this song playing right at this moment..
a song from Audrey Assad, amazing young songwriter with an amazing voice, loved her on the Michael W Smith Cruise, very authentic and cute, really..
this was the song:
Breaking You

You've been let down, it's true
Your pain is so easy to see
You're hunted by your history
And it feels like you've got no escape

Your life left you high and dry
You used to be sure of yourself
But then your whole world went to hell
And tomorrow looks just like today

So, you lie on your bed, you won't let the morning come in
And you hide in your room, feeding that fear and it's killing you
......

And your down on your knees
Cause your life is not what you thought it would be
No,

Lift up your head
Help is on the way
And it won't pass you by
You just gotta reach out your hand
Lift up your eyes
Love is on the way
And it won't pass you by
You just gotta reach out your hand....

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
  My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.


as much as not all the facets of the song apply to me.. I know that Love is not only on it's way.. Love is right here with me always.. it is with me because the Author of Love, the Lord, is with me, and He will never leave me or forsake me.. So blessed, so very, very blessed..

Thursday, August 30, 2012

.. do not announce it with trumpets...

entering the office of Hope for Life yesterday morning I was very blessed...
there, on the chair was a HUGE bag full of brand new baby items... sleepers and onesies and outfits and towels, picture frames and toys.. I looked through the bag to try and find an indication somewhere of who had given so generously...
to no avail...... there was nothing other than a piece of paper saying: Donation for Hope for Life..
so, I could bring in a graphologist and get on the task of finding out who the mystery giver is ( can you tell I am watching too many crime shows ) or.... I could just thank God for these gifts...

later we had a client come for the Care Closet and we were able to send her off with lots of fall clothes for her twin babies, an exersaucer, some toys, diapers and a gift card to buy formula...

isn't God just so very amazing? someone gives, someone needs help and accepts it and we have the privilege to be the ones "managing" His Goodness...

made me think, this person who just left a bag full of brand new stuff for us...
challenged me..
this is what the Bible tells us Jesus says:


"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,  so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." ( Matthew 6:1-4 )

 this fellow Christian got it right...
we always need to check our motive...
makes me think of a line from a song by Natalie Grant: 

How would You choose to define me
Cares for others or just cares what others think?

Caring for others without caring what others think, or know.. 
now, some things can't be done in secret.. like me handing out the goodies to someone who needs them.. they see me, I cannot hide.. whenever someone thanks me I make sure they know that it is the people that love God that are giving so freely to show His love to others..
or when counselling, loving and encouraging those the Lord brings to us..  letting them know it is His love flowing through us...

comes all back to Him.. like my tattoo on my wrist says so very well:
Soli Deo Gloria.. to Him alone be the Glory... no one else deserves it, not even the one that gave in secret..

Thanking Him to be able to point others to Him, to be His feet, hands, smiles and hugs... 
LOVE Him so very very much.. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

"I will be with you until the end.."

not rushing to the gym this morning.. (I will go a bit later for some cardio, I promise)... I have some time to reflect on yesterday.. a day (like every day) that the Lord had made..
getting up early for another work out session... ( no pain - no gain, a motto I am trying to embrace  :S )
and then getting ready to go to work..
the work that the Lord has provided for me, in His infinite wisdom He has shaped me and groomed me for such a time like this to be His hands, feet, smile and hug..

great time of prayer, acknowledging once again, so very important to do, that He is the One who brings about anything good that we are ever able to do.. relying on Him for guidance and all that we need..

seeing a client and feeling such a burden to help her with this next step in her journey... I put the word out and : "TADA " ...  God is FAITHFUL... who would have thought.. duh, I was expecting it.... :)

counselling a number of women through Hope for Life, that have had abortions, the plan is now to form a group so that they can work though the Healing and Forgiveness God has for them together..

Fall Fair is coming up and we will be able to hand out brochures for Hope for Life at the booth the church will have ( we are giving away free water bottles at the fair.. what a great idea ) to make the community aware of the Care Closet and the Center offering support for women facing an unwanted pregnancy...

to invest our time and our love into the lives of women in difficult circumstances, engaging in their lives, walking alongside them, encouraging them, sharing with them, willing to bear their issues, shame and their sin.. speaking Truth into their lives.. what a privilege, what a blessing.. it's what He wants all of us to do, no matter where we are encountering people... we all are missionaries in this world.... ambassadors for Him..

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age
The Great Commission
Matthew 28: 19-20





Sunday, August 26, 2012

Fear vs Faith --> who will win???

..have been singing many new songs at church lately..  our new Worship Pastor has brought us back to where Worship needs to be, such a blessing.. rather tragic that I cannot for the life of me remember the title or more than this one line of this song that has touched my heart so deeply lately ...
"..you have fathered me faithfully...."
talking about God, our Father, who is faithful and fathers us perfectly...
for us, that have not had very good earthy fathers.. it is very hard at first ( because of a lack of knowing what that would be like, feel like) to get our head around this, that God is our Father, later though it becomes such a blessing, realizing that it really didn't matter how good a father this earthly father has been, that even though we are dealing with the fall-out of this in many ways, that God our perfect Father only allowed it because it would bring us closer to Him, needing Him more...

He is faithful, no matter what has or will happen to us..He is always there.. He always loves, even His discipline shows how much He cares and is invested in making us more like Him every day...

a faithful Father in Heaven can be trusted, fears and worries are being laid to rest and faith replaces those emotions, peace settles in.. joy fills our hearts.. as He refines us and brings to completion the work He has begun in us..

new situations arise throughout our lifetime, things change, and sometimes, in a perfectly peaceful state of mind, new fear can creep up... 
what to do then?
surrendering again and again, asking for help, accepting that there is no quick fix for this, and trying to have faith and trust Him for this new scary thing....

embracing the wonderful ways He has changed me and brought good out of stuff that was bad, realizing how He is at work, how many things have ceased to be issues, how new interests, acquaintances and involvement have shaped my life and enriched it... how He has been so faithfully  answering my prayers to allow me to serve Him in a meaningful way...

really, seriously, I do not have to worry... I do not have to be afraid.. after all, has He not proven to be a promise keeper to me over and over again???
has He not carried me through the deepest valleys.. rescued me from the fire and the attacks of evil??
He has... how would He, who gave His son so that I could be reconciled with Him, not give me all that I ever need????

Why should I be lonely,
Long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion
And a constant Friend I know

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow,
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He's watching me

Why should I be troubled
When His tender word I hear
Know I rest on His goodness
In my doubt and in my fear

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow,
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know...

I sing because He loves me,
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow,
His eye is on the sparrow
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He's watching me
He's watching me
He's watching you
He's watching me
 (  by Audrey Assad )

 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
 (Matthew 10: 29-31)


Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
( Ephesians 3: 20-21 )

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

... Healing rain is falling down, I am NOT AFRAID...

listening to my new favorite song for about an hour ( on repeat.. I know, good thing I am alone, anyone would be totally annoyed with me ) then switched to the "Top 25 Most Played" Playlist on my iTunes..

I guess it makes sense that these are all very meaningful songs to me, or they wouldn't have made the list.. duh..

playing Spider Solitaire on my iPad rather than trying to sleep... I was praying and thinking and just communicating with Jesus.. the way two very close friends do..

one song on this list is "Deep in love with you".. the first song at my first Michael W Smith concert that spoke to me.. seeing God, my loving Father, reaching down and picking up the broken pieces of me tenderly... telling me He knew... made me think of this time 3 years ago...

the concert was in May and 3 months later I found myself in the house with my cousin, (who was having an affair with my husband unbeknownst to me).. I had invited her to come and stay with us for 3 weeks, because her husband was cheating on her... oh how stupid I was in my love for her.. blind, I think out of denial.. and yet..my husband had, I am sure to please her, also just told me he didn't love me anymore..
these 3 weeks were the most horrible weeks in my life ... I couldn't sleep, I felt constant fear, a physical pain in my stomach... I prayed like never before.. tried to keep it together ...

another song on this list " Healing Rain" was what kept me going...

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

I am not afraid.. I am not afraid .. is what my soul screamed for the whole time she was here and even after until I, by God revealing it to me, found proof that they really were having a full blown affair..
thinking about this tonite I marvel at how my Father has used music, mainly from MWS, to speak peace, strength and hope into my life...
last night, when listening to the song from Kari Jobe "The more I seek you" sung by Michael, watching  his emotional response, my soul resonated once again and that is why this song has now made the "Top 25 Most Played " Playlist... my soul, my whole entire being LONGS for closeness with Jesus, I am not afraid... or maybe I even am... afraid to have to be alone for the rest of my life... I am desperate for Him, desperate for intimacy, hearing His heartbeat.. the only constant in my, in anyone's life.. 
Love... this is what it is all about.. God loving me first, me loving God, loving my neighbour, like myself, with all my soul, mind and strength......
" Cry" from Leeland. "I can't do this on my own.. are you out there tonite"... another one from this playlist... I am thankful for these songs..  they make my soul sing... and they help me focus..  I need that...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3

Sunday, August 19, 2012

...The more I find YOU, the more I love YOU...

living in this internet age has it's challenges but it for sure has it's blessings too...
not only did I have a long chat with a friend, who is going through the same kind of stuff I go through, I also was able to watch "live" Michael W Smith worshipping at the Rock the Lakes event in Green Bay, Wisconsin.. ( and take a bunch of "out of this world" screenshots..)
at the end, he played a song I did not know... yes, it is unbelievable... turns out it is not one of his songs, but rather one from Kari Jobe, and even though I have her last two CDs I did not know this song..
tragic.. really, I definitely missed out..
but not anymore..

here are the lyrics.. AMAZING, is all I can say:

the more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

.......

Thank you Lord for inspiring your children to write songs that express what we feel so accurately..
there is nothing more precious than experiencing what this song is all about...
LOVE listening to your heartbeat... Thank you Lord <3

learning obedience through suffering???



woke up this morning without a headache, amazing, considering the last two days my headache was a constant companion..
picked up my Bible and read the passage assigned for this week..
heard from my God and poured out my heart to Him...



one verse stood out for me:

Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. (Hebrews 5: 8)


wow.. so God's Son, Jesus, the One that gave His life for me, the One I am trying to follow, He had to learn obedience through suffering?

never thought of this like this before..so I, through Jesus' obedience by believing in His sacrifice for my sins have become a child of God, through my suffering, though nothing compared to Jesus' also will learn obedience through it... hmmmmm

great sermon today.. about living as a witness.. extending His love to those around us, the marginalized, entering into the lives of those we minister to, giving up our own rights, investing all of ourselves into their lives, by that know them better and earn the right to speak the Gospel into their lives in a meaningful way... absorbing their sins and struggles... wow... being in it for the long haul...accepting suffering so that the gates of hell could be pushed back..

that's what it is.. this is why I am here, this is where we all need to be...
rather than getting stuck in legitimate sorrow and pain, inflicted by someone else's sin, or brought on by myself through disobedience, I need to take my eyes off myself again, realizing the tremendous privilege of being the hands and feet and smile and hug of Jesus to the people in my life..

rather than focusing on what I do not have, the man to respect and honor and love and to be cherished and loved by... I need to thank God each day for how I can be at work for Him..

I needed the reminder, badly, and there it was, in His Word, for me, today..

putting lotion on my tattoo on my foot this morning, as every morning, it made me sing:

Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path... when I feel afraid, think I've lost my way, still, you're there right beside me, nothing will I fear, as long as you are near; please be near me to the end....

I know He will, be there for me, until the end.. (same scripture as yesterday.. how cool!!!)

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

"Send me" ...out of the brokenness I will serve You

September 1999.... this was the first time someone in my family, namely my now Ex-husband, went on a Mission trip with our church... he had accepted Christ just a few months before and was now off to help build a church in Gabon, Africa...
the kids were a lot younger and the fact that he was going to serve God so far away made my heart soar.... I was so excited and scared at the same time..
in the meantime I went on a trip to the Ukraine, a year later, he on two trips to Ecuador, my oldest to Nicaragua, the middle one to Mexico twice.. exciting and scary, all the same... wonderful growing experiences for all of us..
then the unthinkable happened.. 
and this morning, I was at the church sending off my youngest on her Mission trip to the Dominican Republic.. just me and her..
so glad she went, because after her father had not only left us but also "his faith" behind, she went through some rough time regarding her own beliefs..
I remember one day when she had one of her now so familiar anger outbursts, I asked her if she was also angry at God.. this is what she said:
"I am not angry at God, I just don't think He can do much.. look at what happened with you and Daddy, you prayed , you went for counselling, you tried everything and he still left"
wow, talk about being hit right into the middle of your heart, where it hurts the most...
struggling the way she did we decided later for her to stay home last fall and do homeschooling, which meant, since I was at the church 3 days a week working at the Pregnancy Center, that she too was hanging out there..
God used our prayer times in the morning, her getting to know the volunteers at the Center and a great Youth pastor and his daughter reaching out to her, to bring her back into the "fold"...
so today, as sad as I was that I was representing a broken family in the midst of all those "real" families, I was also very thankful for the fact that my "baby" was on her way to serve God in the Dominican...
I know that He will reveal Himself to her in some special way.. and I pray this for all of them!! I am sure He will, since they are obediently following His call:

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28: 19+20

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

.. reprieve.. and return.. He will carry me...

had a 3 day weekend away with my girls.. long awaited and then here... out  of nowhere.. time just flies.. it is exactly 3 weeks until school starts.. just saying..

did some sight seeing, a lot of walking, taking pictures, some eating of special foods for the area, a little bit of shopping and a lot of card playing.. one or two meltdowns in the very beginning and then mostly harmony and a lot of laughter...

time and money well invested I would say.. a blessing for me to be able to spend time with all my three daughters, rejoicing they can be so very very silly together.. giggling and giggling like little school girls .. I love it...

walking along the streets in a city like Chicago, the memories are prone to come up.. and they do... my life here in North America so far was spent with one man.. there are no other memories that come up.. and even if not all of them have been so great.. it still hurts to have lost the "here and now" and the future too..

back home, more dentist appointments and laundry and all that jazz.. back to work tomorrow and back to some of the hard stuff...

made me think of one of my fav scripture passages...
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...  (2 Corinthians 4: 7-9 )

hope, that's what this has communicated to me so many, many times.. today... something else struck me though..

hard pressed...on every side... not crushed, but still, hard pressed, on every side.. that is a lot of pressure.. actually, we are only not crushed because of the "all-surpassing power from God".. without it, the being pressed hard from every side would very well crush us... so even though we are not crushed, thanks to God's power, the pain inflicted is still the same..
perplexed... " full of difficulty or confusion or bewilderment"...  full of so much of this to lead to despair.. we do not need to despair because we have the power of God.. are we still bewildered and confused because of the difficulties we face?? you betcha..
persecuted.. ewww... don't like this word.. someone going after you, to hurt you, harm you and leave you, rejected, crumbled in a heap of destruction and sadness... we know we will not be abandoned by the One whose power is in us.. abandoned by others though.. for sure..
struck down.. wow... so, lying on the floor, struck down, violently.. not very nice... and yet, not destroyed.. able, by that power of God in us, to get up and keep going... keep doing God's will, keep trying, trusting, obeying, loving, forgiving... until the next blow hits.. it won't destroy, but it might very well knock us down..

if I do not know who this God with the all-surpassing power is... I might get discouraged to the point of giving up...
it's helps to know Him, know Him well... know who He is and that He does what He says...

Sometimes I wonder if my beating heart has a reason
The thought of breathing only takes my breath away
I've spent so many nights wrestling with this feeling
Do I have the strength to make it through the day
But I was never meant
To walk this road alone
I can always trust you
When you say

I will carry you
Be your strength
And pull you through
Reach for me
And take my hand
We will pray
And we will stand
In a world
Crying out for peace
Let your heart be strong
For when I am weak
You will carry me

Sometimes You wonder if the road you're on has a reason
It's hard to go on, when you just don't know
We can shoulder all the weight of life between us
Until the fear of what we cannot see is gone
Cause we were never meant
To walk this road alone
We are bound together
When we say...
 by Michael W Smith

He carries me.. by His all surpassing power and because He loves me... more than I will ever be able to understand..



Friday, August 10, 2012

.. precious babies and a Sovereign God...

prayer... such a wonderful amazing tool God has given us when He gave us prayer.. when He invited us to come to Him whenever, with whatever is on our hearts.. promising He would listen, promising He would pay attention and promising He would always answer... promising also that as we were listening to Him and He listened to us, He was  going to transform us....AMAZING

today, after a break of at least 4 weeks, we finally had Pastor Bob join us again for our prayer time in the morning at Hope for Life..
what a humble, wise man  of God he is, he never fails to point us to Jesus... we are so blessed to have him lead us at Hope for Life..

the day was busy.. one thing after the other and ended with a fun 2 1/2 hours babysitting two precious little girls... as I was holding the little one while she was falling asleep, drinking her bottle, I realized something profound..

thinking about my babies so long ago, and my future "grandbabies", God willing, it dawned on me why my Jesus has kept me away from the one relationship I thought could have been it...
so much wiser than me, (duh) He knew, that I could not live that far away from my kids, especially not when the time will come, sometime in the future, when they are going to have children themselves ...

this said, I still believe that whatever God's will for my future is, I will be obedient and go where He wants me.. but when I was holding this sweet little baby in my arms tonite I knew that would I not be able to be close to the children my daughters might have one day, it would break my heart... especially if I had not listened to what God's will for my life was..

thankfully this is true for the Lover of my soul:

Remember this, keep it in mind,
    take it to heart, you rebels.
 Remember the former things, those of long ago;
    I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me.
 I make known the end from the beginning,
    from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
    and I will do all that I please.’
 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
    from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
    what I have planned, that I will do.
Isaiah 46: 8-11

and this :

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

so there... I am where I am supposed to be and until the Lord moves me I am staying put... lack of godly Christian men in this part of the world or not... Ha!