Love: Expectations NOT met...

.. being the enthusiastic, excitable person that I am, lot's of exciting things are happening in my life..
the last few years, as hard as they have been, they also have been quite exciting at times..
so yesterday, after a day at Hope for Life, reflecting on what is all going on there and at home, and other places, I just felt a bit run down and "not excited" rather blah and grey....
I am fully aware that living a faithful and obedient life might very well look like this for long stretches.. so it is okay..
then , this morning, the "tube ride down the river of my life" became exciting, too exciting, as in more like cataracts fit for some wild water rafting.. holding on tight to what I know is true and trying to ride out the bumps, make wise decisions, deal with emotions of "dependants" and try to navigate through it, by God's strength and grace... wow, not the kind of excitement I am looking for ...

while vacuuming just now, I had another revelation...
thinking of how we perceive love... expecting someone to act a certain way for us to feel loved..
a  norm exists that defines kindness and gentleness, even for love, then there are the different kinds of love: romantic love, tough love, faithful love, love of a mother, love of a father..
when what comes our way is not what we think is the way someone would communicate love we jump to the conclusion that this person just doesn't love us...
but is this always the right way to look at it..
when married I learned to appreciate that there are different ways of showing love, and that someone's ability to show love might be different from your own..
I have also learned that if your "love tank" is filled by God's love ( we need to go to the well every morning!!!) any amount put in, even a small one, will make my cup run over..

these are the thoughts of a woman who has been on this journey a lot longer than the young girl that has concluded something today... I pray that she will one day come to the same conclusion... and that her cup will be filled to overflowing each day, no matter what others around her, me included, are able to show her...

victory over sin and temptation.. winning one battle at a time..

every day / night struggles.... we all face them... they are all different and yet the same.. it is always about not being obedient..
what do you struggle with??? is it contentment??? forgiveness??? being patient with your children??? gossip?? a critical spirit?? responding in anger??? holding on to hurt???
for me the trigger is the loneliness and the sometimes overwhelming need for affection ...
in the past, this is when I would "go looking"... online ( for a potential husband ) , ... stepping into the world like that has had it's temptations ( of compromising what I stand for ).. at times I have felt I could not be strong enough to say no to these... the devil works in sneaky, sneaky ways...
for quite some time though, I , by His grace I have been able to be strong and walk away.... but just lately, for some reason the assault has been stepped up... looks like Satan has launched another full on attack...
a year ago that could have been utterly detrimental for me..
not this time... thanks to my Jesus:


For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants.  For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.  Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. ( Hebrews 2: 16-18 )

in this morning's quiet time this passage jumped out at me... putting into words what has been going on for me... and He indeed has been more than able to help me facing the temptation and choosing to walk away from it..

the battle was won, the war I am sure hasn't been... but there is hope.. last years assaults were launched far more often and victory was not always mine.. there have been fewer battles lately and so far we are winning... Jesus and I that is.. Praise Him for standing with me and giving me a way out..

a new day.. I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!!!

loved... despite the weaknesses...

my dear laptop died on Thursday night.. so I had to take it in to the especially wonderful people at the Apple store and they fixed it for me.. all for free and all... so nice..
so, here I am with a brand new hard drive, all covered by warranty, and even though I had backed up "important things" like docs and pics, there was a lot to re download, as in my iTunes library and my apps and stuff...
takes forever..
so here goes:
last night was a very lonely and somehow sad night.. weird how that happens.. sometimes I guess it is just like that..
today, church, as always, great, all around...
have been talking a lot to my one daughter about when she was a baby, how sick she was ... was thinking some more about this and remembered something else..
went to a therapist back then, because I had such a horrible time dealing with her on the verge of starving, since she couldn't digest anything but mare's milk, as in horse milk, which contains all you need but fat.. she gained a total of 4 lbs in 7 months.. it is true, she must have been the one that wore her newborn to 3 months outfits for the longest time... always dressed her in many layers, poor little thing....

anyways, remember the therapist was recommended by my husband's aunt, who was all into new age and all this, so was I at that time...

this therapist listened to me and after a few sessions she did what she was doing as her therapy.....
she sat behind me on the floor, close to me and put her arms around my midsection holding me very tightly... she told me to listen inside and tell her later what I felt while she was saying what she was going to say.......

this is what she said... ( in German of course :)
"Miriam, you are loved despite your weaknesses".... wow...... for one split second all my tension left me totally and I could relax.... the next thought was : "that can't be true"... ha.....
I had told her how I had been trying all of my life to live up to my parent's expectations and somehow try and get them to love me...
the idea that I was loved despite my weaknesses, not rejected and criticized for them, was too good to be true...

anyways, as I was thinking about that this week, I marvelled at how this is exactly the message that Jesus has for us... you are loved, weaknesses and all, blemishes and all, imperfections and all, past mistakes and hang ups and all..........
 she meant well, this therapist... but she could not offer this to me... she was just one very nice woman, but it did not really mean anything that she said this to me...

3 years later I heard this same message preached to me from the Word in a little church, in a little town in Ontario Canada, and even though I had added a few more mistakes to my "slate" I was indeed loved despite my weaknesses...

the tension didn't leave me right away, this is more of a process, the people that make me feel inadequate are still around, but their voices get drowned out more and more the closer I come to the voice that calls me, persistently... the voice of the One who gave His life for me...  " Miriam come to me, I love you, weaknesses and all".. I love Him forever and always...

...a time to be born and a time to die..

it's been one of those days... so much swirling around in my mind.. bear with me as I am going to try to make sense of it..

got the news last night that a wonderful lady from my church went home to be with the Lord.. she was a stellar prayer warrior and wonderful role model and she will be missed so very, very much...
she had been longing to be able to go after a stroke 9 months ago had put her into assisted living..
expecting this to happen I was still stunned.. lately, with my mother's health problems fear has tried to enter my heart, the awareness that we could lose her rather quickly much higher now than it has ever been..

a client of Hope for Life came with her newborn baby boy to start the parenting sessions, what a cute little boy he is.. new life and new hope and opportunity, a young girl so determined to do all she can, she always is such a  blessing to me..

over the last few days I have been researching and reading a lot about men and women in the Bible, their roles in marriage and in the church, and I just listened to a great sermon online...

I agree totally, not just lately but thanks to the great biblical teaching I have received about this topic, I have embraced that very long ago..  still, something struck me this evening..
talking about how we are so different, men and women, not better or worse, just different to together make a better "one", the pastor shared his findings from a poll he had conducted in his church..

biggest need for a woman: to be loved, cherished and romanced..
biggest need for a man: to be respected and admired..

knew that.. but all of a sudden it became so very clear..... the longing to be in a relationship.. so very strong , no wonder, it is the biggest need of a woman... great ...

well, so I am doing the right thing, by going to the One who loves me the most, but still..

another thing I have been thinking about lately.. and something I read today put it to rest...
"time spent waiting on the Lord is NOT wasted time" wow... that's a biggie..... goes nicely along with my decision to give up on my search for that man God has for me, and rather just wait on Him...
the time is not wasted, no matter if and how many years here on earth I end up having the privilege to spend with a godly man... I will rejoice one day when the time will come to go home to the lover of my soul...

time with Him here, and ultimately eternity with Him in Heaven is what I was made for...
ha... that's all.. Good night...

...deception and junk food...

when my children were little they had many food sensitivities and couldn't at all have sugar or any other junk.. to add something like zucchini, or cucumber to their list of foods made them ecstatic...
I remember telling them when they were older that I would not have allowed them to eat junk food anyways, and that because of their inability to stomach it, it was easier to stick to this healthy lifestyle..

I was thinking of this today.. still overwhelmed and saddened by all that is going on around me ( and in this world...) one could be tempted to adopt the motto of today's society: Life is so short, let's make the best out of it while we can.....whatever feels good must be good for us...

it seems that the one that tries to do things right, in accordance with God's will, gets the short end of the stick... ( it even seems he is the horrible and intolerant one.. how that got all twisted around I do not know.. but then again, Satan is the king of deceit.. that's a whole different story)

thankfully...for some reason, even when I was not redeemed and a follower of Christ, I just couldn't "stomach" what this kind of life meant.. I am baffled how one can live this way and not break completely when having to deal with the consequences of it, without God in one's life to give strength and hope... I definitely broke down under it all..

I cannot stomach pleasure / happiness, that costs others, stepping on others because I want something, deception, greed, arrogance... never could..

had I had a chance to choose to have a very thin skin in order to do be so weak and fragile to need God and stay close to Him - like my kids stomach and skin problems when eating most things, kept me from giving in to letting them have stuff that wasn't good for them anyways, - I probably would have..

so what seems to be a"condition of weakness" was really a blessing: my children all love healthy food, and had far less sugar intake in the early years of their lives.. and even though they are all "better" I think they still eat relatively healthy..
I, thankful that God has saved me, just need to rely on Him even more when the darkness of this world seems to be trying to swallow me up... which in the end keeps me protected ..

so, no, I am not going to give up trying to live to please my Lord, I am not going to see what I can get out of this life, by abandoning the morals and ethics the Bible teaches... I am choosing the narrow path, even if that means I do get the shorter end of the stick ....

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

( MAtthew 7: 13+14 )

coping mechanisms and MERCY...

have you ever felt TOTALLY overwhelmed????
what do you do when that happens?
today we call what we do coping mechanisms..
we all have them.. some we are aware of and others we are not..

did you know that anger and aggression is contagious?
lashing out is one way some people deal with being overwhelmed or frustrated..

it runs in my family and I thank the Lord that most of the time I do not respond this way anymore when overwhelmed and frustrated..

just now, I  had to do what I do now when I realize that the issues I have had to deal with overwhelm me.. in the last 7 hours other than pain and feeling extremely uncomfortable with my partials, and the way they make me sound ( like an old granny with dentures.. ) , trouble has been brewing on 7 levels..
each issue in and of itself is troublesome enough to have me on my knees..
I have and am praying and lifting them up to the Lord consistently ..
and yet... I just had to do what I do when it just gets to be too much...
I cry out.. and all I say is have mercy on us, Lord......
I let go of all of it and hand it to Him who, contrary to me, can deal with it.

cast your cares on Him.. this is what His Word tells us to do:


Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ( 1 Peter 5: 6+7 )


Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous fall. ( Psalm 55: 22 )

and lastly.. this one:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 4: 6+7 )

there is a song, from MWS, I used to listen to when things where too tough to pray more than 

"Lord have mercy" 

Lord have mercy

Christ have mercy 

Lord have mercy on me

and He has, on me and on all those I have lifted up to Him right now....

choosing the Path of UNHAPPINESS.. seriously???

bruised face and all, I went to church this morning and, as always, that was a very good choice to make...
there is something to be said about belonging to a church like mine.. vibrant, authentic and real.. we indeed are a family.. a pastor who genuinely loves his congregation through thick and thin and doesn't shy away from preaching TRUTH!!!! not one second of the 90 minutes is a waste of time..
great worship and the Word, unfiltered and sharp as a double-edged sword.. alive and transforming, challenging and encouraging..

I could go on and on about the sermon today and I might even blog more about it later, today I just want to share one "little" did bit.. profound, timely and HUGE for me..

"The Path to Holiness is sometimes a very unhappy Path" WOW!!!

right after stating once again that God is more interested in our holiness than our happiness.. this one, even though I have been living this concept, accepting it and living it's reality, no one had ever put it quite that blunt before...

having decided a little while ago that I am not going to be looking anymore ( as in online dating ) "allowing" God to be in total control of this area of my life, an area that seems to be the hardest to deal with at times, I have had moments of sadness and loneliness and have been thinking a lot about trying to rest and be content, not trying to change my circumstances, realizing that this could be not only for a long time but maybe even for the rest of my life here on earth..
solution oriented person I am, this is hard.. it has nothing to do with this being hopeless, more with trying to be fine with whatever God's will for my life will be...
it has to do with surrendering and trusting.. it has to do with wanting to be more holy, because He, who is Holy is calling me to be like Him.. not being online and meeting a "potential" companion guards me from many things I could be tempted to do..
for one I could start to compromise the views I have of God and His plans for us.. hard to believe what a wide variety of "Christians" can be found on a Christian Dating site.. :S
I am affectionate and passionate and I have been alone for some time now and I would be tempted  to compromise when it comes to purity.. I know how hard it is for me to control myself in this area so it is better for me to stay away... making choices to guard my heart..

I cannot jeopardize my testimony, my walk with the Lord for something like romance and  some immediate gratification.. my life is all about bringing glory to the One who saved me.. (not "the world"
as in  billions of faceless people)  the One who specifically paid for my sins, so that I could be reconciled to the Father... I just won't..

so the path to holiness, the path of obedience, the only path there is, is not an easy one.. I am choosing to go through whatever this will mean.. for today.. and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow...
surrendering each morning and asking for help with this difficult task, among many others.. the protection, the blessing and the joy that I receive as a result of staying close to Him is well worth it..

the path can be unhappy, but the reward will be amazing.. Happiness, it's overrated if you ask me :)

..loving the Hallway... :D

this picture was posted on fb this afternoon, I LOVE it...
it is going to be my new life motto... this is where I have arrived..
not that I haven't kind of decided this before.. but, I can say, I have now exhausted all available tools to try to shorten the waiting time.. as in taking control of my life ( hilarious, makes me laugh out loud actually ) ( as if anyone ever could... duh )
and I have been shown and taught, - I am a slow learner, I know  :( - that it is NOT working..
He has taught me not to settle, He has taught me my value, He has taught me I deserve the best, the exact match.. so I am not looking anymore.. not that I really have for a while.. I am going to work on a matrix which will help me and my panel of "advisors" to ascertain if what might come my way one day will indeed be God's will for me....
discussing this topic with my beautiful friend Mary at length during our most amazing week on the Michael W Smith Cruise, we have decided to enjoy the freedom, the place where the Lord, in His sovereignty, has us right now.. the freedom to spend our time and money on going on a Cruise like this, spend time with friends, without having to feel bad, deciding ALONE what kind of activity or none we would want to sign up for and it goes on...
rather than feeling sorry for being alone, and by that dissing God.. saying basically that I am not content with what He is doing in my life.. implying I know better than He what is best for me.. I am going to enjoy this phase of my life..
decided to explore some things I think I would like to do, start a new exercise regimen and by that be able to be all I need to be for those my Lord is allowing me to minister to..
even while hiding away recovering from the "violent assault on my mouth" God blessed me... sending a new client to Hope for Life.. using the unlikely source He has been blessing us with sending those that need us, our way... receiving a text from this new teenage mom I am so proud of, telling me she wants to start the parenting lessons next week... her little son is a week old today... am I blessed or what???
spending the evening with two of my girls, ( had ice cream earlier.. courtesy of my other daughter..) life is GOOD!!! I like it in the hallway.. who would have thought it could be such a beautiful and cozy space :)

time to move on: "Turmoil" officially OVER!!!!!

lying in bed feeling sorry for myself.. sore teeth, gum, jaw and head.. thinking of all the things I have to do, arrange and pay for as soon as I get better, my car, one tire is losing air and it is DIRTY, inside and out, my "garden", front and backyard is a wasteland.. clients texting me, their lives so much harder than mine.. anyways, as I was feeling sorry for myself and then bad about myself for feeling sorry for myself, I realized that 3 years ago, I became aware that the end of my marriage was looming as a horrendous threat over me...
3 years ago...
wow, it is crazy how time flies ...
truth is, my life is very different now, many worries and issues have been added, others have been taken away.. and even though, when I feel sorry for myself it often has to do with some of those changes, I still think that the time of "turmoil" caused by the break up of my marriage is pretty much over..
hence.. I thought it was time to put "Beauty in the Turmoil" to rest...
my life is more about the daily struggle of living a godly life in a very evil world... fighting against my own habits and issues, trying to be obedient and struggling with disobedience, trying to trust God for everything, when some of it scares me, still... struggling to be patient and kind and loving when it seems there is not much left to draw from.. struggling to be disciplined, in all areas of my life when I'd rather be taking it easy, as in lazy, as in unhealthy ...
regular daily struggles of regular people...
so what I only have 60 % of the teeth everyone else seems to have and my mouth is bruised, sore and tender... so what, my father is selfish and cruel and has never loved anyone in his life,
so what I am alone with all the duties of keeping a house going, dealing with kids that have been left as I have been... so what my parents are ageing and unforgiveness has made them bitter, negative and hard to be around..... so what they are dealing with sickness that seems to be pretty scary..
most people have at least that much to deal with, if not more..
so, I am officially declaring the time of turmoil is over and I am just a regular single mother who tries to live to please God ..
it's a no brainer for me: He loved me first, I love Him, I do not want to disappoint Him... I do, He forgives me, I try again.. that's it!